Well, I finally did it. Parts of me feel horrible and guilty, and parts of me feel satisfied, elated, and just plain good again.
I said I would never 'go there' with him. God knows he's given me the green light for more than a year now, and I just couldn't do it. Paul is married, he's my boss, and his wife, Cathy Steel, is a friend of mine. How weird is it that I couldn't cheat on my own husband, even though we were having major problems, and yet I still contributed to adultery against my boss's marriage?
I can't say I did this on a whim. I knew full well what I was doing. Damn, it's been so long since Jeff and I separated, and my self esteem has taken a beating these last few months since I moved out. Paul has been so good to me during all of this; supportive, letting me cry on his shoulder, listening and talking to me throughout the split. I guess I let that concern and care finally get to me.
Paul had been gone on business for almost a week. I'd had plenty of time to think through his standing invitation for no-strings sex while he was gone. Before he left last week, he walked up to me, wrapped his arms around me, and hugged me, telling me everything would be okay. He knew what I needed, and the door would always be open if I changed my mind. How is a woman supposed to resist THAT? Especially a wounded, lonely, and now very horny one?
I got up this morning, and took a shower. I shaved...everywhere...and used the Aloe and Green Clover body spray that he likes. He says it drives him nuts and makes his dick hard enough to cut diamonds with. I slipped into my best white lace panties and matching bra, under my usual jeans and a turquoise T-shirt. I didn't really expect anything would happen today, but just in case something did, I wanted to be prepared.
I went in to work a little early, because things are always backed up when he's been gone longer than 72 hours. I was sitting there at my desk when he came in, just like always. He was uncharacteristically early as well, considering how badly he doesn't do mornings.
"Goooood morning," he chirps, with a huge grin on his face. "How come you here so early?"
"Thought I'd get an early start, you know what it's like your first day back," I reminded him. "How was your trip?"
"Good, good." He went into a few details that I really wasn't listening to, because I was trying to figure out what I was going to say to him next.
He paused, sipped at his coffee, and looked at me, realizing I'd been pretty quiet during his story. "Everything okay with you?"
I took a deep breath and said "Yeah, I think so."
"What's on your mind?" He knows me too well, I think. "I'm waitin, tell me what's goin on?"
"Okaaaaaaaaaaay." I pause, take another breath, and turn my chair around to face him. "Remember when you told me before you left last week, that the door would always be open if I changed my mind?"
He looked at me for a moment, and took another sip from the cup. "Are we talking about the same door I opened last year? The one you said you wouldn't ever walk through?"
No sense beating around the bush and playing dumb. Games are for kids, not adults. Might as well just go for it.
"Yes. That one."
He kept looking at me; waiting, I suppose, for me to explain. After a year of fervent, if infrequent 'not a chance in hell' responses to his flirty come-ons, he wanted to know why I would suddenly reconsider.
"Have you changed your mind?"
Damn, it looked like he was almost holding his breath, waiting for the answer.
"Possibly," I exhaled. "I'm sure that large quantities of alcohol would have to be involved, and I'm nervous and I have no idea how it would wind up, but I just....I can't...I'm....I need to feel something again." I looked down at the floor. This was harder than I thought it would be.
'Okay," he says softly. "But you realize that it can't ever be anything more than sex, though. I'm happy at home, I'm not lookin' to change things, and this has to be kept between the two of us. Is that all you want? You need to know upfront that's all I can ever give you."
"I'm not looking for anything but a quick scratch for the itch; make me feel better, and just needed and wanted for a little while. My heart is broken, my head's not in any place to go any farther, and my self-esteem is in the toilet. The last thing I need is for anyone to find out, especially my kids." I hated to admit it, but it wasn't like he didn't know everything.
He looks back at me, weighing my words. I'm sure my face must have reflected the turmoil and uncertainty I was feeling. I needed the connection and the emotional reassurance as much or more than I needed the sex.
"Alcohol won't be involved. I want you to be awake and aware and fully conscious," he said softly. I nodded, but still not sure I could go through with it cold-sober. The phone rang, and he answered it, while I turned back to the tickets I was entering in the computer. He talked for a couple of minutes and then hung up. I swiveled my chair back around when he hung up. He checked his watch, and then he stood up. He looked at me with a measuring look for what seemed like and eternity, then got up and partially closed the office door.
"Come here," he said. Clearly, almost like an order, his normal tone of voice. I just looked at him like "whaaaaaat?" I must have said "huh?", because he repeated it again, this time differently. He stepped closer, and held his hand out to me.
"Come. Here." he whispered, as I put my hand into his. He pulled me up from my chair with a gentle tug on my hand, and drew me close to him, face to face. He continued to look into my eyes, taking my other hand into his, holding them both. There was nothing coy or teasing, the usual mating dance of two people trying to seduce each other wasn't necessary.
He stepped closer and smiled, both of his hands now linking fingers with mine. He gave them a quick squeeze of reassurance, then let them go.. His fingers slid across my jaw, back to my ears, his thumbs brushing over my lips. His head lowered and slanted to mine as I instinctively moved in closer. He kissed me; a long, soft, slow, deep kiss that just kept going on and on. I remember my hands sliding up his chest, almost like I was resisting him, but I couldn't. His tongue slid into my mouth, searching; so hot and sensual I melted. I remember moaning, and then my arm wound around his neck, my fingers sliding into his hair as the kiss took both of us somewhere else. I could feel his arms wrapping around me. One hand slid up my shoulder and caressed my neck while the other grazed my breast and ribs, and then rubbed urgently up and down my back as he pulled me closer.
