It's an odd feeling to love someone, want them in your life, care about them... and cheat on them over and over again. It doesn't add up or make any sense, but as the years passed, I embraced the odd feeling to make a strange and wonderful side life that I like to call, "Fuck a GF Inc." It is secret, and naughty -- I am sort of like batman or superman, except I am probably the villain because I do the wrong thing because it feels so, so right.
It started innocently enough, considering. My amicable relationship with my ex-boyfriend, Jonathan, turned into an on-going sexually charged environment, all the while being with my boyfriend, Peter, of then three years. At one point, I confessed my transgressions to Peter and our relationship was very rocky for quite some time. I told John that I cared for him as a friend (which I did), but this sexual thing had to stop, despite our clear desire for one another. I truly did not want to leave Peter and I knew Jonathan and I would never make it long-term. After all, there is a reason we broke up in the first place.
We reverted mostly back to our (pretend) platonic relationship, ignoring our obvious chemistry, until I came into a huge financial jam. Due to circumstances I won't go into, I really needed cash to pay my bills or my electricity would be shut off and/or I would be evicted from my apartment. Stressful times. Though I hate asking for money or handouts, I was desperate -- I borrowed money from family and friends. Through their love and understanding, I had just enough to make ends meet and to dig myself out of that financial crisis. Jonathan helped considerably. More than I could have asked him to contribute - More than he could probably afford, but I was in no position to turn down any assistance. In the course of things, I asked how I could ever repay him. He jokingly and offhandedly replied, "Blowjob?" Of course he was kidding, but the thought dwelled in my mind for months afterwards.
In fact, repaying Jonathan's money with a blowjob often occupied my fantasies while my boyfriend fucked me over and over. At work, the thought would slip into my head and I my breath would catch and I could feel a surge of moisture under my lace panties and sensible gray work slacks. Oh it was so wrong, so naughty to think of such things. Not only was it cheating... it was prostitution. An illegal activity in my state. Incredibly degrading to women. Totally outside my own moral code. Totally inappropriate to my situation in life! Not only was it bad -- but I was a successful, intelligent career-focused woman! Why in the world would I get so turned on by the thought of being so ... slutty??
