1986
"So, what do you think? Do you wanna, you know... try it together?"
Bennie and I had known each other since we were toddlers. But, sitting next to me now, I'd never seen her look more nervous or shy. In fact, she'd always been the more adventurous, outgoing one. Always the one to suggest camping out in the backyard, or riding our bikes to the ice cream parlor, or sneaking out of our bedroom windows on a hot summer night just to sit on the swing set and look up at the stars, imagining all the spaceships and alien civilizations that must surely be out there.
Now here we were, two lifelong friends, freshly graduated from high school and spending one last summer together before heading off to separate colleges, discussing losing our virginity together.
It's not that I was only just discovering my attraction to Bennie. Even before she'd transformed from the pigtailed Tomboy with dirty, scabbed knees to a striking young woman who'd traded in her braces and baseball cap for lipstick, perfume and pastel summer dresses, I'd been drawn to her.
We'd even shared our first kiss together, at age fifteen. It was Bennie's idea. We'd just come home from seeing E.T. and she wanted to reenact the kiss Elliott had given the cute blonde girl in the movie, to see if she would swoon the same way. She didn't of course. And neither did I. It was awkward and clumsy and we both laughed hysterically afterwards, then went back to playing Nintendo.
Almost four years later, we were now talking about having sex together for the first time. And, as usual, it was Bennie that brought it up.
"Just think about it, Danny. We've known each other forever. Neither of us really dated anyone. And now we're both about to go off to college still virgins? Wouldn't it just make sense for us to do it now, get it over with?"
My heart was racing in my chest as I struggled to keep my composure. I'd sat beside my friend many times on her bed, even lay beside her in it as we read comic books or played video games. Now here we were, sitting side by side, hips touching, her wide, round eyes gazing up at me, both curious and bashful, contemplating playing a very different kind of game on it.
"Get it over with? Geez, you make it sound like ripping off a Band-Aid, Fitz."
Fitz was my longtime nickname for her. Her full name was Bernice Fitzgerald. Most people, including her parents, called her Bennie. Why they dropped the 'r,' I don't know. But I was the only one who ever called her Fitz.
"Oh, come on, you know I don't mean it like that," Bennie chided me. "But you can't tell me you're not the least bit curious, right? Or am I just that unattractive to you?"
Bennie was many things to me. Unattractive was certainly not one of them. Of course I'd thought about her, as young men will do. But as close as we'd been growing up, there was never that moment that crossed over from friendship to, well, something more.
At least not on her part. That I was aware of anyway. I'd hinted around at us becoming more than friends before, off and on throughout high school. I was shy and awkward around pretty much any girl except her, and so hadn't had much luck with girlfriends.
Meanwhile Bennie never dated at all, although there was no lack of trying on the boys' part. Especially by senior year. Seemed like every guy in school had hit on her, and yet she'd rejected each and every advance.
"They're all just after one thing," she'd always explain. "Three years ago, none of them would so much as look at me, let alone talk to me. Now, I've got boobs, and all of a sudden they all wanna date me? No thanks."
Her breasts were indeed spectacular. And of course I'd noticed them, too. I'd just been better at not being obvious about it. Although that was certainly more difficult at the moment. Bennie was sitting right beside me, her long hair loose and flowing over her bare shoulders, the swooping neckline of her tank top showing plenty of deep, freckled cleavage.
"Listen, Fitz... Bennie," I finally managed, "you know you're beautiful. I just... never thought... tried not to think about... that. Because, well, I didn't think you... felt the same way. About, you know. Me."
Bennie smiled, and when her tiny hand landed on my knee, I don't think I could have blushed any harder. "Oh, my poor, sweet, clueless Danny. You have no idea how adorable you are, do you? There were countless girls in school who always asked me about you. You just never had enough confidence to close the deal with any of them."
I shrugged, enjoying the compliment, but not really knowing how to respond.
"Think of it this way," she continued, her hand now ever so slightly rubbing my thigh. "You need a confidence boost before going to college. To get that monkey off your back. Instead of trying to make some great impression your first time and worrying about not knowing what you're doing, you can do it with me and at least get a little experience under your belt."
"True," I nodded. "I think I'd definitely feel more... comfortable, with you. But what about you? What do you want from this?"
Bennie sighed. I felt a twinge of regret as she removed her hand from my leg to absently pull at her ear. "I suppose the same thing. To have my first time be with someone I trust. Someone I know won't judge me. Or treat me like shit, during or after. Plus, I..."
She paused, trying to decide what to say next. "I'm... trying to figure out something. And I need to figure it out before I go off to college."
"Figure out what?"
Bennie met my eyes. "Whether or not I actually like guys."
I couldn't help but gasp. "What do you mean, 'whether or not you like guys?' All girls like guys!"
Bennie averted her eyes. "Not all girls, Danny. Some girls like... other girls."
The reality of her words hit me hard. I knew what homosexuality was, of course. But only to the extent that we'd been taught it was a "sin" at church.
And although I didn't care much for religion and the biases that came with it, the fact was that being gay was still very much a social stigma. Being called a "fag" was the worst possible insult you could throw at your buddies, and if you called one of your enemies a "homo," you damn well better be ready to come to blows.
I'd never actually MET anyone gay, of course. At least no one OPENLY gay. And the only time I'd ever seen two women kissing was when I'd sneak downstairs to watch late night "Skin-e-max" on cable while my parents slept.
"You're being very quiet." Bennie snapped me back to the moment. "I didn't just lose my best friend, did I?"
My shock at her revelation faded away upon hearing the palpable fear in her voice. While I was confused about her confession, Bennie was still my friend. "Of course not. I'm always here for you, Fitz. You know that. I'm just a little, well..."
"Surprised? Confused? Conflicted? Hey, I get it," Bennie sighed. "Trust me, so am I. And that's why I wanted to try this. To... to see if it's just a phase. Or maybe I'm just confused. Or...."
Suddenly Bennie began to cry. I instinctively pulled her to me, hugging her tight.
My shoulder was damp with her tears as she wept. "I've been so frightened; I've struggled with these feelings for years, but I had no one to talk to! Not my mom, certainly not my dad! I wanted to tell you, but I just couldn't. I was afraid you'd hate me, that you'd..."
