The day all hell broke loose, Russell wasn't in his usual place. A few streets over from his normal stompin' ground there was a dark house. I don't mean dark in the sense that there was no light. I mean dark, like spooky. Evil almost. Anyway, there were several large trees in the yard. Oak, walnut, elm, ash, pine and other kinds of trees surrounded this house. Everyone knows you don't put that many varieties together in one place. I don't even know if they'll all grow in the same place, but these sure did. Russell was seen huggin' one of the young oaks in the front yard.
Well, you can't tell kids the whole story, but he was doin' more than huggin' it, let me tell ya. Russell had his britches around his knees and his pecker was pressed against the trunk of that tree. He was humpin' that thing like a man possessed. Which I guess he was. I mean, honestly, who fucks trees? The whole town could hear that tree just a squallin' and carryin' on. Russell just kept on humpin'. His face was a picture of ecstasy. His eyes were closed and his head was thrown back. Beads of sweat rolled down his face and he held onto that tree so hard his fingers had started to bleed. I guess he musta thought it was gonna run away from him. He pumped and he humped. Out of his mouth came this horrible screeching sound. He made one last thrust into that tree and then laid his head on the trunk. His chest heaved with his staggered breathin'. I reckon he came right inside that tree's knothole.
Well, the next thing you know, there's a rippin' sound. The roots of that tree seemed to move. Impossible, right? Wrong! They pulled up outta the ground, creatin' a rumble akin to an earthquake. The whole town felt it. Russell got knocked clean on his ass when that tree moved. The shock on his face as he landed... oh my. It was more like he couldn't believe what he had done than surprise that the tree was movin'. He cowered on the ground beneath that tree, beggin' for mercy. The townsfolk only caught a few of his words, but the tone of his voice was clear as a bell.
The house seemed to come alive at that moment. It had a presence about it that couldn't be explained by logic. But then, logic had already flown, hadn't it. A piercing whistle emanated from the house. The trees began to move. Russell's expression changed from one of pleading to one of terror. His eyes widened, his face lost all color and his jaw dropped in a silent scream.
A few heartbeats later, he seemed to recover himself enough to stand and pull his pants up. Fumblin' with the fastenings he began to run. The faster he ran the louder the whistle got. Trees all around him were uprooting themselves. They began chasin' him. Their roots rolled on the ground like snakes, propellin' them along as swift as a sidewinder. It wasn't long before Russell found himself surrounded. He began to weep.
The townsfolk came out of their shocked stupor with a jolt. They might not have liked Russell and they might have thought he was a little strange, but he was still one of their own. They armed themselves, down to the smallest child, with axes, chainsaws and anything else they could get their hands on that chopped wood. When they drew close to where Russell stood tremblin', they stopped.
Russell spoke, his voice shaking, "I didn't mean to fuck the young oak." The townsfolk watched in silence. "Well, I mean, I did... but I didn't enjoy it."
Something strange was happenin'. Yes, even stranger than what'd already happened. Russell's pecker seemed to be growin', and I don't mean just harder. I mean growing! Like Pinocchio's nose when he told a lie. Every time Russell opened his mouth and spoke, his pecker grew a few more inches. The townsfolk knew his words were false. They had seen him in the throes of ecstasy. A mumble went through the crowd. A single phrase seemed to pass like wildfire, "Pinocchio Syndrome".
The silence was stifling, but for the murmur of the crowd. Russell continued to speak in a high-pitched whine, "Uh... yeah. I did enjoy it, but so did the oak." The trees stopped their advance. They too seemed to be in awe of Russell's growing woody.
In the next instant, a shrill voice echoed across the land. "He LIES! I would not enjoy the attentions bestowed upon me by one such as he. He smells of earth and blood. I prefer flowers and sap. He Violated me. He should be punished!"
The trees began to advance on Russell, their branches swaying close to his head. Fearing for his life, he turned to run. His woody poked a tree near him and he stumbled backward. Branches reached down and captured him. A small squeak of terror burst from his lips. Eyes wide, Russell jerked his body, trying to escape.
