This story was inspired by Mild Mannered Author's story,
Third Times the Charm
.
CHAPTER I
one
Gods!
I thought as the I woke up in the hotel,
What town am I in, now?
I had thought that since retiring from Wrestling (see my previous stories, shameless plug, shameless plug!) that maybe I'd have more time to spend with my family...I hadn't figured on concert touring. After the first month of a World Tour all the towns blur into one long haze of hotels, motels, cigarette smoke, and whiskey. Yeah, I know, sounds like I'm bitching, and I suppose I am, what I ain't saying is it's worth the price, just for the adrenaline surge before going on-stage, the rush of a stadium full of people worshiping you, the sound of the roar...who needs drugs or drinking when you've got that!? Hell, it's almost...well, almost almost, better'n sex!
D.C.!
I remembered,
The bus driver said something about checking out the Smithsonian.
I got up and trudged to the shower. Me'n wake ups don't get along. Until I got around at least half a pot of coffee, I was barely human.
Coffee...?
The thought triggered something...something I should do before shower...
Room Service!
I ordered, showered, ate, caffeinated, and then decided I might like to catch some sights before I sang. I had woken up early, so had a few hours that I should've spent doing sound checks, but fuggit, you only live once.
two
D.C. was definitely alright. I'd visited the Lincoln Memorial, got to see The Fonze's Leather Jacket, and had found, quite by accident, a great coffee shop that, most important aspect of the shop,
wasn't
Starbuck's
!, and was walking next to the reflecting pool towards the Washington Monument, when I found out I could fly, and flight for some reason was accompanied by a "
WHUMPF!!
" sound. I felt like a warm hand had enveloped my body, and my eardrums pushed toward the center of my brain...
Oh, shit! Thisisn'tflightsomesortofexplosionjusthappened!
passed through my head at the speed of light. Then I hit the ground. I did a quick inventory of my body, nothing broken, ears ringing, no permanent damage unless shock was covering it up...try to roll over, good, I can move!
I rolled over onto my back, and saw a strange sight. Over head was a man who looked like he spent too much time playing Fantasy R.P.G.s, and reading
Harry Potter
, and not enough time in the real world, except for the muscles...under the robes he had on a skin tight outfit that revealed a body that while not bulky, was toned, and hardened. He had an arrogant cast to his face, and a mouth that had a cruel cast to it. As I watched and tried to get my thoughts to stop swimming in molasses, I saw him make a few gestures, and throw another fireball with a negligent wave of his arm. Through the ringing, I heard screams and another of those "
WHUMPF!!
" noises, and then I saw
her
! She was tall for a woman, about 5'11", with stiletto heels on her red boots adding at least another three inches. Blue spankys (those short shorts like cheerleaders wear) covered in white stars, a red and gold bustier covering an incredibly muscular, yet still heart stopping-ly feminine body that was a gorgeous olive color. A beautiful, if overly proud face with full lips, clear, intelligent, blue eyes, and hair that was a color of black that was so deep that when the sun hit it it reflected blue. It was in wild, yet still beautiful curls and tangles held back by a golden tiara. Wonder Woman was about to pound this creep into pudding, and somehow I ended up with front row seats!
CHAPTER II
one
Okay, quick re-cap: Washington, D.C., I'm out for a walking tour before a a concert, when a psycho in robes and tights shows up and starts lobbing fire balls all over the place. That's when an Amazon (Literally) Goddess shows up, apparently with every intention of sending the creep to either the hospital or jail.
two
"Halt! Surrender or..." the Amazonian began, when "Robe-boy" made another gesture, suddenly, the grass shot up and entangled Wonder Woman's arms and legs, binding her, and bringing her from her perch in the air, down to the ground.
"Ahh, 'The Maid of Might,' as I had hoped! As you can see, I've done my research, Princess, and have discovered your Achilles' Heel! When bound, you possess no more power than that of any other mortal!"* Okay, whoever wrote this guy's dialogue, should be brought up before the U.N. for crimes against humanity. "But, fear not! I don't seek your life. My cabal has instituted a mystical scavenger hunt, to determine its new leader, all I seek is a piece of Aphrodite's Girdle, which," he said, bending over, and lifting her Golden Lasso up, "
this
is!" He paused and looked her up and down, as I struggled to my feet behind him. "Well, maybe not
all
." I could hear the smirk in his voice, as I saw him bend over again, and tug down the bustier that was part of her uniform. "Hmmmn, nice!" I shook my head to clear it, and began creeping up on him.
"You don't want to do this, sir," I heard Wonder Woman say, and knew she was also speaking to me. Somehow, that made me more determined. Here she was, helpless, about to be raped, and she was still trying to protect me! Well, she
wasn't
going to get raped, not if I had a say! The
Potter
reject began kneading her breasts. "You can still turn back, for what ever happens to me, you can rest assured, justice will prevail!" "Tom Piddle" chuckled, and continued. "You have no idea how dangerous the course is you have set, for the last time, cease! Cease, and go your way!" I looked her in the eye, shrugged, and then leapt at our attacker with a flying kick! It landed, but didn't do nearly as much to him as I'd hoped. Inches from its target, I felt the air...
thicken
, and I felt a horrific cold blast my leg!
three
"Moldy-Wart" picked himself up, and shook his head, clearing out the cob webs, as I clutched my wounded leg, and writhed in agony.
Okay, don't panic; first rule of cold, if it hurts, it's still alive!
I thought. Below the knee, my right leg felt as if millions of knives were being stabbed into it. I saw "Jerko Lameboy" walk towards me, while behind him, Wonder Woman snapped her head forward, causing her tiara to fly off of it, and into her hand. She then started sawing at her bonds. Gotta keep him distracted!
"Did you
really
think it was going to be
that
easy, defeating someone who brought down a being possessed of the powers of a god?!"
"Actually," I said, standing up, "yeah, yeah I did, what with you being a little bitch boy who has to force himself on a woman to get any, and all." His face whitened, and I saw anger replace the amusement on his face.
"What did you say?" Here's where being an ex-wrestler, and a master of cheap heat was about to pay off!
"I said," I said, smiling at him, "That you were a little cock stain, panty waste of a bitch boy, who can only get a woman by raping her, and are so threatened by women that you can only get it up when they are helpless. Maybe you should try what I did last night, give your mom two dollars! You do that and the dirty whore will suck your dick so good, you'll think your balls are coming out of the end of it! Hell, make it five and she'll let you in the ol' back door!" I saw his face go from white to purple, and an insane light leapt into his eyes. He let out a bestial roar, and leapt at me!
CHAPTER III
one
One thing I've learned: Man is a beast. There are no exceptions to this; at our core, each and every one of us are beasts, with just a thin veneer of civilization. If you stress that veneer enough, it cracks. That's what I'd done to "The Wonderful Wizard of Ugh." A beast can't plan; a beast can't strategize; a beast can't use magic; and, most importantly, a beast
should
go down to a smart and strong man who has the right skills.
So, "Magic Boy" was flying through the air, no longer a man, but as a beast, just as I had planned. I stepped forward and to the left of his clumsy tackle, then I pivoted on my right heel, and brought the point of my elbow down at the base of his skull. You hit someone there just right, and one of
three
things will happen: death, a K.O., or, and this is the weakest effect, you'll stun them. I didn't wait to see which of the three I'd done. In the same motion I'd used to bring my elbow down, I grabbed his arm. While he was falling, I twisted it into an arm bar. When he landed, I stepped onto his shoulder, and used my knee as a fulcrum to place yet more stress on his elbow. I could now shatter his arm like glass from hand to shoulder on a whim. He. Was. Mine!
two
"Yield, or I'm a-gonna' rip your wing off like you were a chicken, boy!" Even if he was stunned, he
should
still hear me. I could tell from the tension in his muscles that he wasn't K.O.'d, or dead.
"
Azorath, Klatuu, Barrata, Metrion, Zenthos, Nektu
!" At first, I thought it was "stun speech." You know, that gibberish you spout when all the circuits ain't firing right? Then I saw his fingers gesticulating, not in pain, but in a precise choreography. Before I could make good on my threat, he...
changed
. Where as before he was about six foot tall, and around two hundred pounds, now I was holding on to a man who was seven foot tall, and about eight hundred pounds of steroid overdose.
No problem
, I thought.
You've got leverage and his joints are locked. What with pressure points and physics on your side, he ain't...
and then I was flying through the air, again. He had flung me off as though I weighed no more than a bit of dandelion fluff. I rolled to a stop, and sprang up to see a fist roughly the size of a canned ham speeding toward my face. I ducked, and, while rising, put two punches into his floating ribs.
CRACK! CRACK!
