This Ain't Animal Control

"This Ain't Animal Control"

by J.D. Savanyu

Another dreary drizzly morning in Seattle. A city full of crazy people and crazier animals. Amit Patel and Frank Shaw were up to the challenge of rustling up those stray critters, but they were dangerously underqualified. They only got the job because they fucked the hot Animal Control supervisor on her desk with their big "snakes."

"Hey Patel, don't hog all the churros," Frank grunted in the driver's seat of a mobile animal response vehicle, or MARV for short.

"Sorry, Shaw. I'm

starving

after an epic sex-fest with Maya last night,

and

this morning. She really wants another baby, but blowing all those loads takes a lot out of me."

"TMI, bro."

Frank turned east on Rainier Avenue, heading toward their favorite coffee shop for cold brew lattes to wash down those Mexican pastries. A moment later, the dispatch radio crackled to life with the sweet New Zealander accent of their supervisor Victoria Sands, two miles away at Animal Control HQ.

"Attention MARV-2. Please respond to a raccoon attic call on 134 Benson Street. Repeat, a raccoon in the attic on 134 Benson."

"We'll be there in two shakes of a wallaby's tail. G'day, luv!" Frank quipped, poorly imitating the Australian accent of the GEICO gecko.

"Kiss my Kiwi ass," she grunted.

"Roger, ten-four."

Frank turned westward into a nineteenth century neighborhood that used to be a slum, but was now a "vibrant community" full of annoying rainbow flags with even more colors on side triangles, like the Munchkinland Lollipop League. They parked MARV-2 in front of a stately Victorian house, and they were greeted at the door by a drop-dead gorgeous redhead.

"Good morning, boys," the redhead uttered sweetly, tossing her flaming hair and admiring their ripped muscles.

"It sure

is

good, ma'am," he replied awkwardly, paralyzed by her Irish fairy beauty. Hypnotizing emerald eyes and tits to kill for.

"We heard you have a big breast in your attic. I mean, a big

beast

," Patel croaked just as awkwardly.

"A nasty raccoon. Scratching the floor, chewing wires, and scaring my cats. That thing might have rabies, so please get rid of it fellas!"

The redhead stepped aside, revealing a living room that was chock-full of cats. Lounging about on the colonial-style furniture and pussy-footing around on elaborate aerial catwalk platforms.

"Wow, ma'am. How many cats do you have?" Frank asked.

"Twelve furry angels," she uttered flirtatiously. "One for each month of the year."

"Your Friskies bill must be through the roof. Not to mention your Scoop-Away bill."

"It's totally worth it. Now get to work, boys. Catch that dirty coon!"

The pestbusters climbed a narrow stairway and opened a very squeaky wooden hatch. They pulled out flashlights to illuminate the dark attic, revealing lots of moldy dust-riddled Victorian furniture.

"Damn. Nobody's been up here since the Gay 90's."

"I love the Gay 90's," Frank beamed. "Richard Simmons and Ellen DeGeneres totally rocked."

"No, dumbass. The Gay

18

90's. Back when the word 'gay' referred to mirth and merriment."

"Before it was 'appropriated' by ass pirates."

They meandered through a maze of furniture with long catch nets, searching for a stealthy nocturnal critter.

"I'm straight as an arrow, like a wolf on the prowl," Frank beamed. "That redhead is a total smokeshow."

"Hell yeah, bro. I wanna pound her hot ginger pussy."

"I thought crazy cat ladies were supposed to be ugly middle-aged librarians."

"Never judge a book by her cover."

A rustling sound rang out in the opposite corner, followed by the skittering of claws across the wooden floorboards. They shined their flashlights in that direction, revealing a pair of beady black eyes, framed by an adorable black furry "mask." Patel lunged forward, and the raccoon skittered toward the opposite corner. They chased it all around the attic, pratfalling hilariously like the Keystone Animal Cops.

"That thing is even slippier than the penguin we chased into a convent last week."

"Don't remind me about Happy Feet from hell," Patel groaned. Five minutes later, the raccoon finally wedged itself between two antique wardrobe cabinets and the "hunters."

"We got ya cornered, Ricky," Patel growled.

"Ricky?"

"That cute raccoon from Shirt Tales."

"Shirt

what?

"

"Never mind. Just nab that motherfucker!"

Frank scooped it carefully into his long net, pulling a retracting knob to seal it in.

"Fuck yeah, Shaw! We just arrested Rocket Raccoon's evil cousin, like the Guardians of the Galaxy."

"Whatever, nerd-wad."

They took their furry quarry downstairs to the living room. The hot redhead swooned in admiration at those hunky dudes.

"Oooh, my heroes!" she beamed.

"Just doing our job, ma'am. Seattle's finest."

"You're a lot finer than that overpriced coffee brand," she giggled. She followed them out to the driveway and watched them deposit the raccoon in a cage in the back of MARV-2. Tossing her long copper hair, cocking her wide child-bearing hips and grinning naughtily.

"You deserve a

big

reward, boys," she beamed.

"We can't accept tips, ma'am. City policy," Frank replied.

"I'm not talking about...

tips

," she uttered slyly, emphasizing the double entendre. Their dicks started rising involuntarily beneath their blue cargo pants.

"What

are

you talking about?" Patel murmured awkwardly.

"Come back inside, and I'll show you," she giggled, wiggling that great ass up her front porch steps and beckoning them hither with her right index finger. Patel looked at his partner incredulously.

"Fucking

go for it

, bro," Frank grunted.

"Fuck yeah."

They marched up the steps and back into that crazy cat lady's abode. She closed the door behind them and lifted her blue dress over her head. Nothing underneath.

"Holy shit," they gasped, gawking at her big milky-white tits with pointy pink nipples, and her flaming red crotch.

"Like what you see, boys?"

"Fuck yeah, ginger," Frank groaned like a stupid teenager. His cock surged right up to full mast, pressing hard against the zipper.

"I love men in uniform," she uttered seductively. "

Well

, I prefer real cops, but they're too hard to bang on the job these days, what with all those body cameras and professional protesters."

The redhead sashayed forward, flipping her flaming bangs over her shoulders to give them an unobstructed view of her amazing tits. She maneuvered around three yowling Siamese cats, then she yanked down their zippers and whipped out two major league manhoods.

"Oooh, nice long cocks for Momma. I love Irish guys, but I've always wanted to try a spicy brown Indian."

"Namaste, bitch," Patel groaned. "Suck my big Taj Mahal."

"Yes sir, Officer Patel," she giggled sweetly. She dropped right to her knees on a grey carpet riddled with cat fur, and stroked his thick shaft nice and slow.

"I'm gonna

devour

this long dong, like a Bajji shawarma."

She opened wide and shoved it deep in her mouth until she gagged. Patel tilted his head back toward the crumbling plaster ceiling and yowled in harmony with those loud annoying Siamese pussies.

"Oh

shiiiiit

," Patel growled. She rocked her steadily back and forth for a minute. He grabbed her red bangs and used them as a handle, whipping her head back and forth along the full length. "This is awesome, bro. I don't fucking care if I get fired."

"Me neither," Frank snickered, whipping out his own nine inch nail. "The Animal Control department is a fucking joke."

"Just like the rest of Seattle city government."

The redhead growled like a dog against Patel's spicy brown manhood, with ropes of spittle oozing down on her pale hooters and curly ginger pubic hair. She grabbed his hairy ballsack and squeezed until he yowled like her oriental kitties.

"We are Siamese if you please... we are Siamese if you

don't

please..." Frank sang mockingly, like the anthropomorphic cats in

Lady and the Tramp

. The redhead pulled back abruptly, ejecting Patel's cock from her tightly pursed lips with a loud

poof

sound.

"I want a big hunk of corned beef to go with that curry," she groaned ecstatically.

"Jolly good, you wee slutty leprechaun lass," Frank remarked, poorly imitating the accent of his distant ancestors. She moved her knees laterally on the carpet and shoved Shaw's long shillelagh right down her throat.

"Awwww

yeaaaah

, bitch!" he groaned triumphantly.

She went down on him aggressively, whipping her head back and forth in a red blur, slurping and gagging disgustingly.

"Damn right, ginger. Dance a jig with your gob!"

She switched back and forth five times over five minutes, moaning like hell against their plump manly sausages. Her twelve cats gazed down at them with curious expressions, unable to comprehend the concept of fellatio.

"I wanna make this last. Get your ass up on that cat condo."

"Yes sir, Officer Shaw."

She got up and scooted three orange tabbies off a red wooden platform that was suspended three feet in the air, connecting to higher platforms nearby. She leaned back against an old plaster wall and spread her legs nice and wide.

"I've got

another

cute cat, right

here,

" she murmured throatily, pointing at her dripping wet snatch.

"That dirty pussy needs a good tongue bath," Frank quipped. He swooped in and buried his face in her fire crotch, licking and slurping her lilac-scented pink folds while Patel masturbated eagerly.

"Oh shit, just like that! Tame my naughty cat, you hot fucking stud!"

He flicked his tongue in slow laps around her outer labia, then he slurped her puffy clit up into his mouth and chomped down on the base, making her squeal in delight.

"Fuck yeah, make it hurt. God, I love animal cops. You have the right to remain

wild

!"

Frank nibbled every millimeter of her perfect glistening cunt, humming loudly with his teeth locked on her little pink pleasure center.

"Break me off a piece of that cat-cunt, bro."

"Fine, whatever," Frank grunted, reluctantly stepping aside. Patel performed cunnilingus even more eagerly, driving her crazier.

"Holy shit, you Indian guys lick pussy so

good

. Like oral yogis."

"Embrace the moon, bitch," he grunted, smacking her ass nice and hard. He kept sucking and spanking, pushing her quickly toward the breaking point. She grabbed an overhead catwalk, arched her busty chest sharply outward, and screamed in orgasmic rapture. Blasting his face like Old Faithful.

"HuuuuuWAAAAAAAAAH!

Oooooohhh FUUUUUUUUUUCK

!" she wailed, sending her pets scurrying out of the living room.

"Fuck yeah!" Frank cheered. "That cat lady squirts like a bulldog on a fire hydrant."

The redhead sputtered clunkily, like a Lamborghini that ran out of gas at 130 MPH. She caught her breath for a moment, then she hopped off the cat condo and grabbed them by the cocks, pulling them toward a staircase.

"You better 'interrogate' me on the sofa, officers."

"Damn right, you crazy ginger whore. You

don't

have the right to remain silent!"

Frank scooped her up in his burly arms and tossed her across the room onto a purple couch, sending a cloud of cat fur high in the air. She laughed giddily and spread her legs real wide.

"Fuck me in the ass, ya dirty pig."

"Don't call me a pig, ya skank pussy."

He jumped on the bed, pushed her legs way back against her shoulders, and rammed his long manly rod deep in her tight sexy bod.

"Oh god, that's intense," she groaned throatily. "Screw my brains out, baby!"

He tried his best, pounding her asshole and literally bouncing off her hips. He spanked her ass cheeks with authority, over and over, and she caterwauled like a Calico in heat. He buried his face in her bouncing DDD's, sucking her pointy pink nipples with gleeful abandon.

"Let

me

interrogate that crazy cat lady, Officer Shaw," Patel snickered.

"Why don't we

both

interrogate her, Officer Patel?"

"Oooh

yeah

," she groaned. "Stuff my holes to the brim, boys!"

Patel and Frank crouched down on the couch and squeezed their huge pricks through both of her delicious openings. They screwed and fucked her as hard and as fast as they could, driving her even crazier.

"Holy shit, that's so fucking

gooood

!" she wailed toward the crack-filled plaster ceiling. "I better call Animal Control on these wild horse cocks!"

Frank smacked her large breasts twelve times each. Turning her pale milk flesh bright red. He hawked a big loogie and smeared it all over her face, demeaning her nicely. They switched up a minute later, with Frank pounding her pink Patel driving his big rig down her Hershey Highway. Knocking her balled-up body wildly back and forth. Her knees knocked against a wooden end table, tipping over a cat-shaped lamp and scattering a bunch of real cats.

"Call us your cowboy daddies, bitch!" Patel growled, smacking her heart-shaped rump yet again.

"You're my cowboy

daddies

!" she cheered. "Rope me in like a broncin' buc!"

They tried like hell to hold back their loads, but the three-way orgy was too damn hot to last any longer.

"We're gonna cum all over your face, cat-bitch. Get down on your paws!" Frank growled.

"Mee-

oww

," the redhead cooed sweetly. She hopped right off the bed and dropped down on the red shag carpeting, tilting her pretty face upward. The guys swooped down and jerked off toward her hypnotizing emerald eyes.

"Damn, ginger, you're so fucking hot," Patel groaned. "Like a cosplay kitten."

"Meeee-

yowww

!" she giggled.

"Beg for our milk, kitty-bitch!" Frank barked.

"

Please

, boys!" she begged loudly, waving her "paws" like a starving tabby. "Gimme some hot fucking man-milk! I need your creamy treats real

bad

."

"Oh gah, oh gah, hoooooooUUUUUUUUHHHHH!"

"Awww

damn

, I got a big one coming! Shit, shit, shit,

shit

, shhhhAAAAAAA-HA-HAAAA!"

They splattered every square inch of her pale face, with even more splooge coating her flaming red bangs. She stuck her tongue and savored her bitter dessert, growling triumphantly.

"Suck those big dicks, bitch! Get every fucking

drop

!" Patel ordered fiercely. She grabbed the base of their shafts and shoved the tips into her mouth as far as she could. Sucking hard while stroking the rest with her dainty hands.

"Double your pleasure, double your fun," Frank sang dreamily. "Double it, double-mint

cum

!"

The redhead pulled back with a sweet grin. She wiped a gallon of spunk off her face and tits and sucked it off her fingers, giggling girlishly.

"Great collar, officers. I'm promoting you both to corporal."

"Sir yes, sir," Patel beamed with a mock salute.

"Damn, girl. We just fucked you silly, but we don't even know your name," Frank snickered.

"I'm Ginger. Ginger Rogers."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Meanwhile, down at Animal Control HQ, Victoria was reading an email from the mayor of Seattle at her desk. That A.O.C. wannabe was demanding a twenty percent increase of "diversity" in her department (while slashing their budget by

thirty

percent!)

"Even more underqualified people chasing wild beasts with sub-par equipment? Damn. I hope we won't have to rescue your precious poodles, Your Majesty."

Fred Taylor entered through the front door, holding a dangerous reptile in a cage in front of his crotch.

"Is that a fully grown viper, or are you just happy to see me?" Victoria beamed in her charming New Zealander accent.

"Both," he grunted wearily. "I rescued it from a drug lord's mansion, right after a big shootout with federal marshals."

"Wow, you always get the best assignments. The main cages are full, so you'll have to put it in the auxiliary section way in the back."

Fred took that highly venomous predator to a distant nook near the canine cages. He carefully maneuvered it into a steel cage near various other lizards. Twenty stray dogs whimpered fearfully at that reptilian murder machine.

"Hasta la vista, snakey," he uttered dryly, poorly imitating the Gubernator.

"You're such a dork, Freddie," a lady muttered nearby. Frank knew exactly who she was before he whipped his head toward the open back door where she stood. Isabelle Frei, his crazy blonde tomboy girlfriend who worked at a pawn shop on Alaskan Way.

"Hey Izzy. What are you doing

here

?"

"It's my day off, and I'm bored, so I came by to... check things out," she uttered slyly in a husky boyish voice.

"You really shouldn't be here, babe. There's lots of dangerous animals."

"I

love

danger, boy," she giggled naughtily, cocking her head and teasing her golden bangs. "Seeing you handle that killer snake really turned me on," she groaned throatily, stepping closer to him.

"I don't want to get in trouble, Izz," he murmured awkwardly, with his dick rising against his blue cargo pants.

"Then why are you dating a punk-ass bitch?" she giggled, backing him against an empty oversized cage for livestock animals like donkeys. She grabbed him gently by the throat while pressing her tall lean body against his.

"Oh god," he groaned, with his cock pressing hard against her blue jeans.

"I wanna suck the venom out of your viper,

Shred

," she growled, emphasizing his ironic nickname. She grabbed his erect cloth-covered member and massaged it vigorously.

"Holy

fuck

," he groaned louder. "All right, all right. I always dreamed about this."

"Me too, Freddie," she cackled triumphantly. "Safety first. I better lock this rabid beast

up

."

She opened the latch on the big cage, shoved him inside, and slammed the door shut behind him.

"This is the way

I

always dreamed it. Locking up my boy-toy animal cop, and making him my

bitch

," she uttered theatrically.

"God, you're so fucking crazy. I fucking love it."

"Shut up and strip, doggie."

"Yes, ma'am," Fred groaned in awkward arousal. They both took off their clothes as fast as they could, eager to indulge in perverted public sex. Isabelle licked her lips hungrily, sizing up his six-inch sausage.

"Want me to suck your dog-prick?"

"Hell yeah, blondie."

"Beg for it, doggie."

He sneered indignantly. "Fuck you, bitch."

"Fucking

beg

for it, you piece of shit!"

He sighed wearily, reluctantly dropping to his knees, waving his "paws" and whining like a hungry cocker spaniel.

"Good boy. Now stick out that big snake prick out for your favorite bad girl."

He shoved his naked body against the metal cage door, with his twitching penis jutting through one of the grid openings. She knelt down on the concrete floor and slid it slowly into her mouth, not stopping until her bright red lips hit a cold metal bar.

"Fuck yeah, blondie! Choke on that fucking cock!" Fred barked, echoed by several incarcerated dogs across the aisle. She twisted her head back and forth vigorously. Slurping and moaning loudly while working her clit with her right hand.

"Keep going to town on Shred's machete, just the way he likes it," he groaned. "So fucking what if I get fired? I hate this two-bit Seattle circus."

Isabelle laughed with a mouthful, without missing a beat. She massaged his prostate with one hand and flicked her bean with the other.

"I'm gonna cum all over your face, blondie!"

"Not yet, you naughty boy. I better

tame

this wild snake."

She slapped his spit-soaked dick nice and hard, wagging it sideways against a metal bar. He yelped delightfully, then yelped again as she slapped it from the other direction.

"Fuck yeah! Make it hurt so good, Izzy."