It was all that dern Gomer's fault.
As Barney pulled away from the courthouse he noticed that a rear tire was low. Wally's filling station did not open until 10:00 on Mondays because that was the day that he took his sister to the foot doctor. Barney looked at his watch. 8:25. Maybe he could rouse Gomer from his cot in station's backroom and get him to turn on the air compressor (No charge for air....).
The front of the station was dark, so the deputy walked around to the back. He saw Gomer spread out on the cot and was about to knock when Gomer flinched suddenly. Gomer's deep voice echoed through the room. "Yes, daddy, yes, daddy, deeper...." Then Gomer flopped back on the bed, a magazine falling to the floor. Eagle-eyed Barney Fife saw that it was one of them, watcha call it, nature magazines. The open pages showed a muscular young man wearing only tight shorts. As Gomer slowly threw back his cover, Barney's eyes almost bugged out of his head. Gomer was rubbing something creamy looking on his bare chest.
Barney skedaddled. He was so nervous it took him three tries to put the car in gear. He drove back to the courthouse in a daze. He sat in the car thinking about what he had seen. What was that? He darn-tootin' didn't know what to think. He lit a cigarette and leaned his head back on the seat. The image of hillbilly Gomer's glistening penis kept running through his head. Then he noticed his own penis was bulging under his uniform pants. No, he thought. Not again.
Barney shook his head and went into the jail. He was about to lie down in the backroom and remembered what Andy had asked him to do. The sheriff had taken the morning bus to Mt. Pilot for a meeting. He sure is having a lot of meetings, Barney said to himself. Wonder what was going on? Was Andy looking for a new deputy to replace him? Well, he would show Andy how reliable Barney Fife was.
Andy had asked him to check and make sure Opie had locked the garage before he went to school. Aunt Bee would also be gone all day to a Ladies' Aid Society meeting and the sheriff had some stuff in the garage that he didn't want tampered with.
Barney drove to the Taylor house and walked to check the side garage door. Sure enough, Open had forgotten to lock it. He peered in to make sure no one was there and clicked the padlock. What was that? Did he hear someone in the house? The house supposed to be empty. Maybe someone had cased the house waiting his chance to break in. The deputy crouched behind the bushes at the side and reached into his shirt pocket. He admired the shiny bullet before pulling his gun from the holster. Now, that would show Andy how important he was to him. Yep, if he caught a burglar in the act of stealing from the sheriff's own house....
Barney duck-walked along the side of the house and crept onto the porch. He took his hat off and slowly raised up enough to see through the gingham curtains Aunt Bee had just put up. His second shock of the day was worse than the first one.
Aunt Bee was wearing her usually flowered apron alright. But her back was turned to him and he saw she was naked under it. What was going on? Has Mayberry gone crazy? Her ample buttocks and haunches were practically staring him in the face. He was surprised how white and round her ass was. It had little dimples all over her but cheeks. Barney dropped back down when she started to move. He thought he heard her say, "my turn now"
The kitchen table creaked. When he thought it was safe to look Barney raised himself again. Aunt Bee had stepped aside to reveal Clara Edwards. Not Clara too, Barney thought. He had always thought of the skinny, boney Clara as a kind of Olive Oil type. He was amazed to see how young her body looked for a 64 year-old widow. Her boobies looked so good. Between her legs was the hairiest thing you ever saw. Her pubic hair was wet and matted.
"And what would you like, my dear," she asked Bee.
"You know what I want," Bee almost growled as she said it
