Disclaimer: This is a lampoon of a favorite TV show. The names are changed to protect the cast, who I'm sure are fine people with normal body parts and normal sexual appetites. Except for that one guy... Yup!
*****
I knew Sandi was scraping bottom when she invited me to join her at an auction. Not that I'm bad for ratings. Just the opposite, in fact. But a few seasons ago Ken the auctioneer had me kicked off the show for getting a little too friendly with his wife Lorna. No clue why he singled me out. If they fired everyone who swapped spit with Lorna there'd be no one left.
Anyway, as far as I was concerned a call from Sandi was welcome for any reason. Now that she had kicked Jarron to the curb I could imagine the two of us getting together. It made for must-see television how she sexed herself up after the breakup. But it was clear after a few episodes that even with the tight shirts and short skirts she wasn't a solo act.
She started teaming up with Sherry from Texas. Sherry played the nice girl. Every time was her first time. "Oh wow, I've never swallowed before." "Oh wow, I've never done it in the butt before." "Oh wow, I've never been spit-roasted in a Denny's parking lot before." It didn't matter how many times she did it. She always managed to sound surprised.
It might have raised some eyebrows when Sandi started hanging out with Manny. But Manny was pretty likable, more likable than Sandi. Then she started bringing along Janelle, that girl with the really wide mouth. I always wondered how many dicks she could fit in that thing. But I wasn't sure that dicks was what she used it for.
And now Sandi was calling on me.
There were some familiar faces when we walked on the set and a few new ones too. Ferrell was there, and Livey and Livey Junior. Steve Yuppers was standing apart, his smug face plastered on the side of his truck. I recognized Genay and his wife from watching on TV. Damn but Stacy's tits looked even better in person, straining against the thin fabric of her tank top. Wouldn't I like to get my hands on those milkers?
Janelle was there with Sherry. I weighed my options with one of them in case Sandi decided not to put out. There was a time I could count one of Sherry's many first times as a sure thing. But the thought of Janelle's otherworldly lips wrapped around my prick... Could I make that happen? Definitely worth trying.
Ken walked up to me and gave my hand a vigorous shake but the menace in his stance was obvious. "We're going to have a nice auction and no trouble at all, now aren't we?"
I looked over his shoulder at Lorna. She was giving me big eyes and her mouth hung open in mock surprise. "If Lorna can keep her panties out of my mouth we won't have a problem, Ken."
"OK, that's good," he agreed, as if saying wasn't so much easier than doing.
The old timers gave me the expected ribbing but right on cue Larry swoops in to steal my thunder, rolling noisily up on a replica of the bat-cycle. His shiny black riding suit and helmet completed the look. His sidekick Manny was playing the part of Robin in the sidecar. I was fine with Larry taking the spotlight so Sandi and I found a shaded doorway to wait for the bidding to start.
I won't bore you with the details of the auction. They're all staged, anyway. You know that. I was glad Sandi got a unit though. That would give her more camera time and me more opportunity to lay on the charm. If she could turn a profit that would definitely swing her mood in my favor. So I was curious what goodies the producers had stocked the room with. And honestly? I was pleasantly surprised.
"What the fuck is it?" Sandi sneered. She had worked up a healthy glow and her skimpy dress was clinging to her hourglass figure. She had pulled her blond hair back into pigtails and I just wanted to grab hold of them and take her round ass for a long ride.
"Haven't you ever seen a dildo before?" I quipped sarcastically.
"That's not a dildo," she shot back. "That's what you hang over the dildo section of a dildo store so everyone knows where the dildos are."
She had a point. The realistic-looking rubber dick was a little too big to be used as a pleasure device. It was a foot and a half long and maybe five inches thick. A network of thick, blue-tinted veins stood out along the shaft and two enormous balls sat at its base. I shuddered at the sight of the big purple cap on top. Who could handle that? Well, I had an idea who.
"Phallus the Titan," I read from the packaging. "For the size queen in your life. I think this is supposed to be a real dildo, babe."
"Well, whatever floats your boat. We need to get it checked out. Maybe that's where the money is."
I had a better idea and opened the package, freeing the massive sex toy.
"What are you doing, you idiot," Sandi lambasted me. Evidently she mistook me for Jarron.
"Settle down. I think we should try it out, see how it works."
"We? You mean me, don't you? You actually think I can handle that thing?"
I didn't answer right away. I had heard things. If even half of what I heard was true then yeah, I thought she could probably handle it. "Why don't you just try it? And if it doesn't work, it doesn't work."
Sandi had her mouth screwed up in her skeptical look but I could tell she was giving it some serious thought. Finally she let out an exasperated breath and started pulling her dress over her head. "OK, I'll try. But if this ruins the value I will take it out on your hide."
Seeing her in her underwear like that, in the close quarters and surrounded by television crew, I didn't give a flip about consequences or what the locker was worth. This is what I came for.
