Storage Whores: Sandi’s Big Unit

Disclaimer: This is a lampoon of a favorite TV show. The names are changed to protect the cast, who I'm sure are fine people with normal body parts and normal sexual appetites. Except for that one guy... Yup!

*****

I knew Sandi was scraping bottom when she invited me to join her at an auction. Not that I'm bad for ratings. Just the opposite, in fact. But a few seasons ago Ken the auctioneer had me kicked off the show for getting a little too friendly with his wife Lorna. No clue why he singled me out. If they fired everyone who swapped spit with Lorna there'd be no one left.

Anyway, as far as I was concerned a call from Sandi was welcome for any reason. Now that she had kicked Jarron to the curb I could imagine the two of us getting together. It made for must-see television how she sexed herself up after the breakup. But it was clear after a few episodes that even with the tight shirts and short skirts she wasn't a solo act.

She started teaming up with Sherry from Texas. Sherry played the nice girl. Every time was her first time. "Oh wow, I've never swallowed before." "Oh wow, I've never done it in the butt before." "Oh wow, I've never been spit-roasted in a Denny's parking lot before." It didn't matter how many times she did it. She always managed to sound surprised.

It might have raised some eyebrows when Sandi started hanging out with Manny. But Manny was pretty likable, more likable than Sandi. Then she started bringing along Janelle, that girl with the really wide mouth. I always wondered how many dicks she could fit in that thing. But I wasn't sure that dicks was what she used it for.

And now Sandi was calling on me.

There were some familiar faces when we walked on the set and a few new ones too. Ferrell was there, and Livey and Livey Junior. Steve Yuppers was standing apart, his smug face plastered on the side of his truck. I recognized Genay and his wife from watching on TV. Damn but Stacy's tits looked even better in person, straining against the thin fabric of her tank top. Wouldn't I like to get my hands on those milkers?

Janelle was there with Sherry. I weighed my options with one of them in case Sandi decided not to put out. There was a time I could count one of Sherry's many first times as a sure thing. But the thought of Janelle's otherworldly lips wrapped around my prick... Could I make that happen? Definitely worth trying.

Ken walked up to me and gave my hand a vigorous shake but the menace in his stance was obvious. "We're going to have a nice auction and no trouble at all, now aren't we?"

I looked over his shoulder at Lorna. She was giving me big eyes and her mouth hung open in mock surprise. "If Lorna can keep her panties out of my mouth we won't have a problem, Ken."

"OK, that's good," he agreed, as if saying wasn't so much easier than doing.

The old timers gave me the expected ribbing but right on cue Larry swoops in to steal my thunder, rolling noisily up on a replica of the bat-cycle. His shiny black riding suit and helmet completed the look. His sidekick Manny was playing the part of Robin in the sidecar. I was fine with Larry taking the spotlight so Sandi and I found a shaded doorway to wait for the bidding to start.

I won't bore you with the details of the auction. They're all staged, anyway. You know that. I was glad Sandi got a unit though. That would give her more camera time and me more opportunity to lay on the charm. If she could turn a profit that would definitely swing her mood in my favor. So I was curious what goodies the producers had stocked the room with. And honestly? I was pleasantly surprised.

"What the fuck is it?" Sandi sneered. She had worked up a healthy glow and her skimpy dress was clinging to her hourglass figure. She had pulled her blond hair back into pigtails and I just wanted to grab hold of them and take her round ass for a long ride.

"Haven't you ever seen a dildo before?" I quipped sarcastically.

"That's not a dildo," she shot back. "That's what you hang over the dildo section of a dildo store so everyone knows where the dildos are."

She had a point. The realistic-looking rubber dick was a little too big to be used as a pleasure device. It was a foot and a half long and maybe five inches thick. A network of thick, blue-tinted veins stood out along the shaft and two enormous balls sat at its base. I shuddered at the sight of the big purple cap on top. Who could handle that? Well, I had an idea who.

"Phallus the Titan," I read from the packaging. "For the size queen in your life. I think this is supposed to be a real dildo, babe."

"Well, whatever floats your boat. We need to get it checked out. Maybe that's where the money is."

I had a better idea and opened the package, freeing the massive sex toy.

"What are you doing, you idiot," Sandi lambasted me. Evidently she mistook me for Jarron.

"Settle down. I think we should try it out, see how it works."

"We? You mean me, don't you? You actually think I can handle that thing?"

I didn't answer right away. I had heard things. If even half of what I heard was true then yeah, I thought she could probably handle it. "Why don't you just try it? And if it doesn't work, it doesn't work."

Sandi had her mouth screwed up in her skeptical look but I could tell she was giving it some serious thought. Finally she let out an exasperated breath and started pulling her dress over her head. "OK, I'll try. But if this ruins the value I will take it out on your hide."

Seeing her in her underwear like that, in the close quarters and surrounded by television crew, I didn't give a flip about consequences or what the locker was worth. This is what I came for.

She set the enormous dildo upright on a low table and circled it warily. You could hear a pin drop in that sweaty storage locker. I felt a tap on my shoulder and when I looked, the producer gave me an excited smile and made the OK sign with her thumb and forefinger.

Eventually Sandi peeled off her panties and laid them on top of the discarded dress. I snatched them up before the camera man could and stuffed them in my pocket. She climbed up on the table with her hands on the giant rubber dick for balance. Both her hands together couldn't reach around the thing. She had her work cut out for her.

Facing the cameras, she straddled the beast and with a shame-faced grin she put her weight on it. Now that she was committed the guys and girls of the crew spoke up with words of encouragement. If anyone in the room was disappointed that she wasn't a natural blond, they didn't let on.

Sandi was up on her tiptoes and rocking forward and back on the toy's massive mushroom head. I could see the tip glisten where her trim black bush had made it wet with her arousal. Maybe I should have offered to warm her up with my tongue. But it looked like she was doing pretty well as it was. Oh my goodness! Was she starting to make headway?

Sure enough, her coochie was starting to spread over the head of the thing and a fraction of an inch of it was no longer visible outside of her pink pussy lips. I stepped forward and lifted her legs over my shoulders, cupping her soft round butt cheeks in my hands and gently pulling them apart. The producer cleared her throat and the cameras moved forward to get better angles.

She began rocking slowly side to side now and more of the titan was visibly penetrating her sweet fuck hole. Maybe half of the cap was inside her now. She had eyes shut and her lips pursed in concentration. I'd always thought she was attractive, but now... wow! I used her panties to mop away the sweat that beaded up on her forehead.

A voice from the open doorway made her eyes snap open, ruining the moment.

"Oh, sow dis is what you do when you get a cwummy lock-uh," said Genay in his comical accent. Where the hell is he from, anyway, where they talk like that?

"If you don't like my locker then don't let the door hit you on the way out, Genay," Sandi told him. Apparently the 100 or so cubic inches of silicone sex toy in her snatch hadn't taken the fight out of her. Not yet at least.

I noticed Genay's wife looking longingly at the tableau. Her pretty eyes were wide with excitement and she had that subtle smile on that you were never sure what she meant by it.

"Are you up next, Stacy?" I asked her.

Genay answered for her, "Why would chee need dat when chee hass me? I'm bigg-uh."

"Okay, I believe you," I replied to him and winked at her. Her subtle smile broke into a broad grin. Genay grabbed her by the arm and hustled her away.

I reached up and gave Sandi a nice wet kiss to help her get her mood back. The hard part was over, really. Her sweet cunt was wrapped around the thing. She just needed to find room for the rest of it. I coaxed her down on it with words and caressing hands. When Jarron saw this episode he was going to want to murder me.

She was about halfway down when Larry and Manny arrived. Larry had shed his riding attire and was dressed like a bit player in a rat-pack movie. Manny was wearing one of his "Manny Don't Quit" t-shirts, available at his website for 29.99.

"Oh man, Sandi," Larry expostulated. "I haven't seen you like this since you and Jarron found that scale model of the Washington Monument."

"Greaaat..." Sandi moaned dejectedly. But I could tell she wasn't really bummed to have them there.

"Don't mind me, I'm just a-wondering if there's something to eat in here." That was Manny for you, always hungry.

"Sorry, Manny. All we have here is milk, milk, lemonade," I told him, pointing at each of Sandi's breasts, still encased in her bra, then at her painfully stretched pussy.

Manny looks right into the camera and waggles his eyebrows before finishing the rhyme, "Round the back, fudge is made."

"There's not going to be any fudge today, fellas," Sandi assured them. But she didn't sound too convinced.

"Oh man, Sandi. Don't be so negative."

Larry went around and took hold of her hips with his trademark skeleton-hand gloves. He tugged and twisted and pushed down on her until she was nearly all the way down. It made her stomach swell like she was going to have another baby.

"Yo, take it easy, bro," I warned him.

"Sheee's fine," he replied. "Manny, help lay me her on her side, why don't ya?"

They lifted her up and turned her sideways. Poor thing could hardly move with that thing stuffed up her cooch. Larry unzipped himself and started to go to work on her heinie with his old-man dick. Next to Phallus the Titan, would she even feel him? He could feel it, though. "Oh yeah, Sandi. I've wanted to clap these cheeks for a long time."

"Live it up, then, dude," she replied in a bored tone of voice.

Manny went to her other end and produced his Louisiana blacksnake. Laying awkwardly on her side, Sandi couldn't do much beyond opening her mouth for it and swiveling her head in a little circle while he softly thrusted into her mouth. I helpfully removed her bra and gave her boobies some encouraging squeezes and licks.

Next to arrive were Sherry and Janelle. I was pretty excited to see them and curious what they would think of the situation. Larry and Manny were just finishing and as they pulled up their pants the girls took their places. Janelle comforted Sandi by running her hands through her hair. Sherry slowly pulled the titan out of Sandi's sloppy, stretched out cunt.

"Golly, that thing is huge." I assume Sherry was talking about the dildo.

Janelle took it from her hands and placed it over Sandi's head. Then, to my delight, she straddled Sandi's face and placed her wide mouth on the head of the phallus. I looked back at the crew to make sure they were getting this. The producer was excitedly directing the cameras and I could see additional crews crowding the doorway, trying to get a good view.

Sandi was devouring Janelle's pussy from below and squeezing her tight little butt cheeks. I had my theory about Janelle. But Sandi I thought was a strictly dick and balls kind of girl. Clearly, though, this was not her first time dining at the "Y". As lewd and alluring as it was, though, to watch Sandi's lips and tongue lapping at Janelle's hindquarters, it was Janelle's mouth that stole the show.

While she rode Sandi's face, Janelle opened her mouth much wider than I thought was humanly possible and stretched it over the head of the giant rubber dick. Her crotch grinded into Sandi's mouth which licked and sucked and smacked up her juices. Janelle looked like a snake -- a very sexy snake, mind you -- trying to swallow a pig, and succeeding.

Meanwhile, Sherry had stuffed her fist and much of her arm into Sandi's gaping hole. Slowly she withdrew it to her wrist, then punched it back in up to her elbow, causing Sandi to groan in Janelle's muff.

"Oh wow," said Sherry, right on cue, "I've never fisted a pussy before."

That might have actually been true, if you don't count her own pussy, of course. She started pumping her fist in and out of Sandi's clam, her forearm glistening obscenely with pussy juice. Her other hand went under Sandi's plump ass cheeks and toyed with her freshly fucked butt hole.

Janelle had succeeded in taking the head of the toy dick in her mouth, her lips barely able to curl over the ridge of the crown. The angle she was in forced her to lift up off Sandi's face, who clung to her thighs so she could get at Janelle's labia with her tongue. Then, as Janelle backed off the dick, she brought her pussy down hard on Sandi's face and rubbed it into her nose and mouth and chin.

Over and over, Janelle pleasured the five-inch wide cock head with her mouth, never letting her teeth touch the lifelike silicone surface. Over and over, Sandi alternately licked at Janelle's pussy lips and let that wet cunt bathe her face in juices. Over and over, Sherry fist-fucked her friend with one hand and twisted four fingers in her ass with the other.

It was a glorious sight. But there was still a lot of work to be done so I left them to it and finished going through the locker.

I had to take Sandi to get a new bra and panties on the way home. The producers deducted the cost from her episode winnings, which I thought was a little unfair, especially since the crew had most likely helped themselves to the old ones.

"You're probably hoping for some action," she said as she emerged from the dressing room. "But you'll have to settle for a handie, maybe a blowie. My holes are all worn out now."

I pretended to be downcast and suggested we drop in at Jarron's bar for a couple of drinks, Turns out that a couple of margaritas did wonders for her attitude. Her holes were still loose as heck. But I sure did enjoy trying to fill them.

*****

"So today we are at Underground Oddities so that Dick and Jane can take a look at our... thing... and maybe tell us what it's worth."

Sandi was talking to me for the benefit of the viewers at home. Obviously I knew where we were and why. Dick and Jane were suitably impressed when we produced the eighteen-inch dildo.

"Ah yes, Phallus the Titan," said Dick. "These retailed for a hundred and eighty when they were in stores."

"Most were bought as gag gifts. Bachelorette parties and the like. Not much value now." Jane ran her hand over the purple head and looked at me questioningly. "But if it had been used by a minor celebrity there might be interest."

"Ha ha," I said. "Why are you looking at me?"

"The Titan series was for men, for ass play," Dick informed us. "Didn't you know that?"

"Well, I'm not gay," I assured him.

"Still, you have the equipment," said Jane.

"Yeah, lover," Sandi chimed in, her big beautiful eyes lit up with glee. "Come on, let's see what you got."

She lifted the big prick off the counter and set it upright on a sturdy bench.

'Oh well, fair is fair,' I thought, and unbuckled my belt.