Still Lost In Space

Author's note:

This story was written with the original '60's TV version in mind. I know the show was a joke in and of itself. A few hours and beverages of my choice produced this story. It's meant for a chuckle. I hope you enjoy it.

Kirk

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"...Last time as you recall, Professor Robinson was sleeping one off after eating some bad mushrooms from the hydroponic garden. Maureen and the girls were playing 'hide the cucumber' in Penny's' room, while Will was in the galley having a discussion with the Robot about what he wanted for his 18th birthday. Dr. Smith, having just pinched a loaf, was currently topside giving Major West a hard time..."

"Come on, Major! Just let me play with the controls for a little while," asked Smith, sounding like a ten year old.

"Smith, don't you have something better to do than hang around me all night? Go screw with the Robots' programming or something," replied West, as he was trying to watch the controls and pilot the Jupiter 2 through a large void in space.

"He's with Will down below and both of them when together are quite rude to me these days. I seem to be the butt of many jokes," said Smith, laced with enough emotion to almost make Don give a shit.

"Well you are a joke, Smith. When we first woke up from suspended animation and the ship was in danger of being destroyed, you were the meanest son of a bitch I ever met. I mean you were down right evil. Then what happened?" he said, shaking his head. "You turned into the biggest faggot ass wipe I've ever seen in my life! I mean, like, what gives? And while we're on the subject, just how the fuck did you manage to wind up on this ship in the first place? I can't remember you ever giving us a straight answer!" shouted West, as he stood from his seat to his full height.

"They forgot to put the box of moist towelettes in the bathroom for cleaning ones hands after..." Smith pointed toward his pee pee, "...you know."

"Yeah, too bad you didn't bring a truck load," West mused, since they'd been out there since 1997. "How come you never made it off the ship before the lift off?"

"Well, I had the urge and having a spastic colon..." Smith explained.

"Alright, alright," said West, waving his hand at Smith to cut him off. "So how come you didn't warn them you were still onboard when the final call was made for lift off?"

"I tried, but as I stood from the seat, my head hit the towelette dispenser and knocked myself out," explained the Doctor.

"Yeah, we've never been able to get that thing back up on the wall," ventured West as he stared off into space. "Okay, Smith, if you really want to try and steer this thing, go ahead," said the Major, as he stepped away from the pilot's seat.

"Lovely," Smith uttered excitedly, rubbing his hands together and flopping down in the chair. "Let's see, is there any point of reference for me to steer by?"

"Hey, not bad. Looks like you picked up a few things over the years." West adjusted a few controls. "We're in a void that extends about 5 light years all around. It might just be a dark matter collection point, but we need to get through it if we hope to ever get our bearings again and try to zero in on Earth."

Smith looked down at the controls. "Oow, we're using the Hyper Drive!"

"Yeah, we have to unless you want to be in here for the rest of your life," West answered with a chuckle. He watched Smith handle the controls like a pro. "Hey, Smith, it seems like we found something you're good at after all."

"Thank you, Major! Remember I used to perform surgery with these hands," Smith replied, holding them up and wiggling his fingers.

"Ah, yeah, before you moved into 'God knows what'," West replied. "Say, Smith," West tapped the Doctor on the arm, gaining his attention. "Do you think you can watch the Jupiter 2 until I go squeeze this thing a few times?" West asked pointing to the major wood he was sporting in his pants. "Judy's been holding back on me the last few weeks for some reason. I've got to let off some steam or I'll blow."

"Of course Major, never fear, Smith is here!" he said thrusting his finger into the air.

"Right," uttered West, as he headed to the head.

*...Meanwhile, down below...*

"Look, Robot, this guy gave me this 'wish stone' to use on my birthday and I'm going to use it," said Will Robinson.

"I understand, Will, I just don't want your feelings to be hurt if it doesn't work," replied the Robinson's faithful servant.

"What? Do you still think I'm a little kid? I'm eighteen today!" exclaimed a very angry young man.

"No," answered the metal man.

"He showed me how it works, remember? He wished you to have tits!" Will said, as he pointed to the Robots extremely large mammilla glands separated by his lighted speech center.

"Yes, I remember, and they ache." The Robot leaned in for Will to hear. "I need support. Could you ask your Mother for an old bra that we can alter, please?"

"I've asked. You're on your own," replied Will, fondling them in earnest.

Just then, their attention was directed to Major West as he ran through the lower level to the head.

"Hi, Don!" shouted Will.

"Hey!" West replied, as he hid his wood and ducked into the head.

"Who's piloting the ship?" asked Will.

"Auto pilot," replied the Robot.

"No way. Not in this void," said Will.

"I could check it out if you let go of my breasts," said the Robot.

"No problem," said Will, as he released the tits before him and stood to allow the Robot room to head up on the lift.

*...Meanwhile, up above...*

Doctor Smith was doing a terrific job of steering the ship. He was really getting into it when he heard the lift stop and open behind him.

"Too lazy to take the stairs, Major?" asked Smith, as he turned and then noticed the large breasted Robot. "How are you doing, you bubble headed boobie?"

"Dr. Smith, why are you piloting this ship?" The Robot asked

"The Major allowed me to while he went to the bathroom," replied the old doctor, with a grin that went from ear to ear.

The Robot extended his claws and said, "Doctor Smith, move away from the controls."

"Why? Aren't I doing a smashing job?" asked the Doctor, still with a wide grin on his face.

Electricity started crackling between the Robot's claws as he moved toward Smith.

"What are you doing, you over sized espresso machine?" asked Smith.

The Robot went silent and then repeated without emotion... "...At exactly sixteen hundred hours after liftoff...Destroy the Robinson Family...Destroy the Jupiter Two!"

"What's your problem? We hashed this all out eons ago," replied Smith.

"I just wanted to see if you were still on your toes", replied the large breasted Robot. "Where are we?" he asked, after retracting his claws.

"In a void. Look! There's something in the window and it's moving! It's some kind of creature! We're doomed!"

"Real funny, Smith," said West, as he finished climbing the ladder and stood next to the Robot. Smith had been referring to the Majors' reflection in the glass. "How's he doing there, Robot?" he asked, giving the boobs a squeeze.

"Dr. Smith is holding his own at the helm. You are holding mine here," it replied, as West glanced back at Smith who was holding his crotch with one hand and rubbing his chest with the other.

"Smith! Keep focused. Anything can happen out here!"

"Yes, quite right Major," he replied, placing both of his hands back on the console.

"Robot, do you think there is anything you can do about the environmental unit down below? It is hot as hell down there," Don asked.

"Negative, Major West. The unit is shot. In fact, the remaining unit for the top level is showing signs of giving out."

"It's almost impossible to sleep down there," said Smith, looking at the radar readout.

"Doctor Smith!" said Will, as he climbed up the steps. "We need you down below."

"I'm not doing the dishes. It's Professor Robinson's turn," replied Smith.

"No, Penny has a medical emergency!" shouted Will, as he started back down the ladder.

Smith spun his chair around. "An emergency!" He stood and thrust his pointed finger in the air. "Never fear...Smith is..."

"Get moving, Smith!" said West, as he pulled Smith from the pilots' seat and pushed him toward the lift.

"There was no need for that, Major!" Smith retorted.

The Robots' claws extended and electricity crackled between them. "Get moving Doctor Smith."

"Just you watch yourself, you booby chested bubble head!" said Smith, as the lift lowered him below.

*...Meanwhile, down below...*

"Dr. Smith!" shouted Maureen, "Hurry!"

Smith hurried into Penny's cubical and saw her lying on her side with her pants off. She was crying from pain. Smith noticed that both Judy and Mrs. Robinson also were bottomless.

"Get it out! Get it out!" cried Penny.

Smith's eyes focus in on the problem. "Eeww," he uttered.

*...A few moments later...*

"OW!"

"Thank you, Dr. Smith," said Maureen.

"Yes, thank you very much," echoed Judy.

Penny was still in a great deal of pain, but all the medications had been used up long ago. Smith told her to use an ice bag for now and to avoid sitting for a while.

Smith left, closing the accordion door shut behind him. As he headed toward the lift to get back to the top air-conditioned level, Professor Robinson stopped him.

"What were you doing in my daughter's cubical, Smith?" he asked, with deep dark circles still evident under his eyes bought on by the bad mushroom trip he had taken.

"I performed a small procedure on her. Everything came out fine," replied Smith as he started toward the lift again. Robinson grabbed his arm.

"Smith, if you so much as put a hand on her, I'll kill you," he warned, trying to stay on his feet, as his head still hadn't cleared from the toxins.

"Nonsense Professor, you know my sexual preference lies in a different plane. Besides, I only held her butt cheek and greased her rectum!"

"Why you son of a..."

"John! Stop! He helped remove this from Penny's ass," Maureen said, holding up the offending cucumber. "Judy I want you to jettison this into space. I don't want it showing up at dinner tonight."

"Okay, Mom," Judy replied, taking the cucumber away.

"Damn it Maureen, don't tell me you were playing that game again with the girls."

"Well, quite frankly, I'm getting a little tired of waiting for "Mr. Happy" to come for a visit," she replied, grabbing his crotch.

Smith got on the lift and headed up. He could hear the professor still arguing his point as the lift deposited him on the much cooler first level.

"What happened down there?" asked the Major, with Will seated in the co-pilot seat waiting to hear as well.

"One of the women was anally impaled," replied Smith.

"I would have loved to have seen that!" Will said excitedly,

*...Later that evening...*

Penny was standing as the others, with the exception of Smith and the Robot, were sitting around the galley table.

"Do you really think it was a smart idea to leave Smith in control of the ship while we eat down here?" asked John, still looking haggard.

"You should see him. It's like he's had a talent that he's been hiding for the longest time. He really knows what he's doing up there. Besides, we're still inside this void and there is nothing for him to hit," replied Don, as he suddenly made a face as he chewed on his salad. "Something tastes funny," he said, turning to look at Will who was also having trouble getting his salad down.

"It's a new salad dressing I tried," lied Judy.

"Yeah, well try not to use it again," answered Will.

Maureen held a forkful up for inspection and sniffed it. "Judy, I thought I told you to jettison this cucumber."

"I'm sorry, Mom, the airlock jammed," Judy replied.

Six forks simultaneously hit the table signaling the end of dinner. Penny hid her face in her hands.

*...Meanwhile, up above...*

"No, not like that! You bubble headed booby!"

"Dr. Smith, my arms just don't reach that far."

"Oh forget it, wait! What's this hole back here for?"

"I forget."

"What do you mean you forget? You're not supposed to forget anything! You tin plated, double breasted amnesiac!"

"Dr. Smith, why do you always insist on hurting my feelings?"

"Wait, this hole is perfect! Stand still, Booby. I said stand still!"

"Warning! Warning!"

"What is it?"

"That's my pencil sharpener!"

"Oh, The Pain! The Pain!"

*...Later that evening, down below...*

Professor Robinson, his wife, Major West, and Judy were in their cubicles while Smith (with a bag of ice on his crotch) and the Robot were on the upper level piloting the ship. Penny was still standing in a corner sobbing in pain as Will sat at the kitchen table fondling the wish stone. He desperately wanted to wish them home to Earth, but knew from the guy that gave it to him that it was simply beyond the scope of the stone's power to provide. He looked down at the list of things he had written down to wish for.

*1.Refill all stores and supplies.

(Will knew they were low on everything and the hydroponic garden was inadequate to feed them all.)

*2.Refuel the Jupiter 2.

(The tanks were nearly empty and duetronium was hard to find.)

*3.Restore the ship to its' original operating condition.

(The suspended animation containers were ruined and the AC on the upper level was shot. Most systems were cannibalized to fix others.)

*4.Get a permanent fix on Earth.

(They had no idea where it was or where they were.)

Will shook his head, unable to choose a wish.

'Just once I'd like to have something for myself,'

he thought. "What I need is more wishes," he muttered. Looking at the clock, he saw that it was nearly midnight. He held the stone tight, desperately thinking of a wish. Suddenly there was a flash of light and the guy that gave him the stone was sitting across from him at the table.

"Hey, Sweetie," said the guy. "Got a dilemma on your hands?"

"Where'd you come from?" asked Will, wide eyed.

"I've been keeping my eye on you, but you don't even know that I exist," he said, leaning back in his chair and checking his manicure.

"Are you a genie or something?" asked Will.

"Oh please! I'm nothing of the sort." He leaned in close and whispered, "Unless you'd like me to be."

Will looked at the guy a second and thought he seemed a bit off. Then he realized that it was just too much makeup for that time of night. "I need to know how many wishes I can make on this stone."

"Well, if you had been listening to me when I gave it to you instead of playing with the Robot's tits, you would've known that you had the whole day to make wishes. Now you've got only a few minutes and you have to wait for each wish to be completed before you can wish again," replied the guy, as he reached his bare manicured foot under the table to play with Will's.

"You know, there's a guy on the upper level you might want to meet," Will said as he started wishing.

A thudding and thumping sound could be heard as the stasis room and freezers were magically filled. The cabinets popped open as food filled them for the first time since liftoff. The counter of the galley was filled with spices and the crisping bins filled with fresh fruit and vegetables.

"Smart move, always start with survival," said the guy, as he checked Will's list. "Two minutes left."

Will closed his eyes and wished again. The sound of alarms came from above as he heard Dr. Smith shouting something about the fuel tanks ready to burst at the seams.

"Two down," said the guy, standing and looking at Will. Slowly, he started to traverse the table. "One minute, thirty seconds."

Sweat started to form on Will forehead as he continued to wish away. Clanking and clanging reverberated around the ship as components and units became operational again. A cool breeze could be felt as the air conditioner on the second level started to work again for the first time in a year. His parent's cubicle and Don and Judy's opened as they immerged from the ruckus going on around them.

"What's happening?" asked Maureen.

"One minute," said the guy as the repairs completed.

A drip of sweat hit the table as Will concentrated. Out of nowhere, the sound of the song, "Downtown" by Petula Clark, started blasting on the audio system. Major West nearly fell twice as he ran to the ladder and climbed to the first level. A moment later he shouted down the ladder,

"That is a radio station. We might get a fix on Earth!"

"Forty seconds left, Sweetie. If you're going to wish for something for yourself, now's the time to do it," said the guy, as he completed his move around the table and sat close next to Will.

'Damn it! I want something for me!'

thought Will, as he inched away from Wish Stone Guy.

'Mom's got Dad, Don's got Judy, Dr. Smith has the Robot and Penny has...aw...fuck Penny any way!'

"Twenty seconds," said the polyester clad visitor.

'I know that Mom's not happy with Dad and Don's going though a tough time with Judy. Dr. Smith isn't happy with the Robot and Penny... aw...f...'

"Ten seconds," said the effeminate guy, breaking the spell.

"Something for everyone..." mumbled Will. A smile crossed his face.

"Excellent!" said the guy, as the stone disappeared from Will's hands.

"Look at all the food!" shouted Maureen as she opened the storage doors.

"This AC is actually working," said Judy as she held her hand over one of the vents.

"Hey! The fuel tanks are full, and I think I've got a lock on Earth!" shouted West down the stairway.

"Oh my! There are moist towelettes in the dispenser and it's back on the wall!" squealed Smith from the bathroom.

"Look at the tits on her!" said Penny, still standing in the far corner, as she pointed back at the other seat next to Will.

"Oh Wow! Alright!" exclaimed Will, as he turned to view his wish.

"Man, they always wish for the big ones," said 'Wish Guy' as he took a good look at the girl. "She's a little young don't you think?" he said, sneering in her direction.

She was all of five foot, naked, and a body to make grown men cry. Her face was smooth and free of imperfections. Her eyes were like sparkling green jewels. Her hair was chestnut colored and cascaded down her back, nearly touching the floor were she sat. The galley became silent as the beauty of the new visitor sank in on the Robinsons.

West and Smith joined the group in the galley and were equally impressed.

Then she smiled.

The men groaned as her beauty was enhanced by her perfect angelic smile.

Will adjusted his pants.

"Hey! I'm sitting right here, Sweetie. Why didn't you wish for me?"

"Uh, Dr. Smith?" said Will, looking around the room for the Doctor. "I want you to meet," he paused in mid sentence, gesturing, "the 'Wish Stone Guy."

"Eeww..." muttered "Wish Stone Guy" looking at Smith.

"Bitch," hissed Smith.

Maureen walked over to her son and placed her hands on his shoulders. "I think you made a fine set of wishes, Will."

"You did good, son. I'm proud of you," said his Father, still not too steady on his feet.

"You got to admit, she is pretty," said Judy, blocking the AC vent.

"No shit," replied West, as he slipped into a seat across from the young girl.

"Hi, big boy," cooed "Wish Stone Guy".

West leaned close to Will and whispered, "So, ah, are you going to share her or keep her to yourself?"

"Watch it, Don," snapped Judy.

"Do you really want me stuck with her the rest of the trip?" West asked, hooking a thumb at Judy.

"Don!"

Will stood and cleared his throat. "My last wish was for everyone."

"That does not compute," said the Robot as the elevator deposited him on the lower level. "How does wishing for a woman for yourself serve all on the ship? Oh, by the way, thank you for removing the breasts."