Rhetorical Lara

This is a parody on the all below mentioned characters (and the kind of stories that usually is written about them). All rights Lara Croft belongs to Edios. This story contains no plot and only mentions sex. If you’re offended by such stories keep looking and im sure you will find something hardcore enough for your taste.

This is just a feeble attempt of bad humor. No skeleton were hurt during the writing. After all they’re just bones so they have no nerves.

Feedback is appreciated.

Scyta

Rhetorical Lara

While raiding a tomb Lara Croft has just been captured by two skeleton warriors.

Skeleton 1: Got you now, Beetch!

Skeleton 2: Yeah, got you!

Lara: Let me go you anorectic oafs.

Sk 1: I don’t think so.

Sk 2: Yeah, talk to the Hand cause the ears ain’t listening!

Lara: What?

Sk 1: What?

Sk 2: What, what?

Sk 1: What, what what?

Sk 2: What do you mean what what what?

Sk 1: I didn’t. You started it!

Sk 2: WHAT?

Lara: Will you two shut the hell up already!

Sk 1: Um, sorry.

Sk 2: Sorry.

Sk 1: Now, where were we?

Lara: You two had captured me. I demanded to be released and you two refused.

Sk 1: Right.

Sk 2. Right.

Sk 1: Let’s see now. It’s your turn.

Lara: What?

Sk 2: Hey, She started it!

Lara & Sk 1: SHUT UP!

Lara: What do you mean it’s my turn.

Sk 1: It’s your turn to do or say something. Look, we caught you. Then you protested. Then we refused. So now, it’s your turn.

Lara: Oh, right. So what should I do, break every bone in your bodies? Get it, break every bone in your bodies!

Sk 1: No.

Sk 2: No.

Lara: Never mind. Well, should I destroy you and escape?

Sk 1: No no. That comes much later. Now you will only make futile attempts to escape. Otherwise it’s customary to demand to know what we will do to you.

Lara: I see. Is that it or is there anything else?

Sk 1: I'm not sure. Do you know if there anything else she could do?

Sk 2: Are you talking to me. How strange because I have a strong memory of someone telling me to shut up. Im shutting up. I'm not talking to you.

Sk 1: Geesh, over 3000 years of stalking and killing tomb raiders and just look what I have to put up with. Never mind him. Let’s just continue.

Lara. Right. Let’s see. What are you going to do with me?!

Sk 1: First we going to rape you and then we’ll kill you.

Sk 2: Yeah, kill you.

Lara: How?

Sk 1: Generally he push you down on your knees while holding your arms. Then I’ll just take this scimitar and chop off your head while remembering to keep my spine straight and bending my left knee a little and to follow the stroke all the way through.

Sk 2: Maybe straighten your grip a bit too and move your thumb a little. That should give you more force.

Sk 1: You think so?

Sk 2: Yeah, I’ll….

Lara: No, I meant how are you going to rape me?

Sk 1: The usual way.

Lara: What usual way?

Sk 1: Well, you see. When a man loves a woman he sometimes puts his wee-wee in her honey-pot.

Sk 2: Yeah, and sometimes the woman take his wee-wee in her mouth like a lollipop or the man will put his wee-wee in her doo-doo hole.

Sk 1: And that what we’ll do but without the love.

Lara: I know how a rape done. After all I am an experienced tomb raider, having raided hundreds of tombs and a member of the Royal Female Tomb Raider Society. So I do have certain standards, you know. I know what’s expected of me. And let me tell you it ain’t always so easy either. Try raiding an dusty Irish Barrow where the only way to find something wanting to get in to my pants is to wait for the village pub to close.

Sk 1: I sympathize with you, I really do.

Sk 2: Now I get. Break every bone in your bodies. Ha ha. That’s real funny, that is.

Sk 1: Just ignore him. I have the last 3000 years.

Lara: Anyway, what I mean was how can you rape me? Isn’t your equipment just a wee bit inadequate.

Sk 1: That’s not a nice thing to say!

Sk 2: Yeah!

Sk 1: We might not be so well endowed as many others but that’s no reason to go ahead and mock us.

Sk 2: Yeah, besides size don’t matter.

Sk 1: We have feelings too, you know. Just because your butt might be a bit, shall we say, enlarged, we don’t tell you that you have a big fat butt to your face.

Sk 2: Yeah, Huge!

Lara: There is nothing wrong with my butt. I work out. I know it’s not as small as it could be but it’s not above average.

Sk 1: I didn’t mean it. You have a fine butt though you might want to consider firming it up a little bit.

Sk 2: Yeah, or drop a couple of pounds from each buttock.

Sk 1: But now you know how hurting those kinds of remarks can be.

Lara: Fine. You don’t have small dicks. In fact you don’t have any dicks at ALL!

Sk 1: What do you mean?

Lara: You are skeletons for Christ sake! You’re all bones. You don’t have any dicks so how can you rape me?

Sk 1: We do have dicks.

Sk 2: Yeah, and no matter what you might have heard they’re big. Huge in fact.

Lara: No, you don’t. Look for yourself. Look!

Sk 1: Oh, you’re right. How disappointing.

Sk 2: Damn!

Sk 1: Yeah, you said it, damn!

Lara: In fact, how can you talk? You don’t have any tongues or vocal cords.

Sk 1: …

Sk 2: …

Lara: You shouldn’t even be able to stand or move without the help of muscles and tendons holding up the skeleton.

Sk 1:!!!

Sk 2:!!!

Lara: It’s always so sad seeing men fall to pieces like that. And they were such nice blokes too. It’s funny though, I used to think rhetoric was such a drag in school and here I just defeated two skeleton warriors without so much as a karate chop. Never mind. I better get moving. I’ve been down here for hours without meeting any good monsters. But what can you expect in a tomb whose idea of a labyrinth is a place where you can’t get lost as long as you remember to always turn left. Oh, look. There is a minotaur. And he’s hung like a bull! Which is perfectly logical when you think about it. Oh, here comes some Goat men too, they're inexhaustible. Goody, I couldn’t look the girls back home at R.F.T.R.S in the eyes without them knowing that I’ve been humiliated and sexual abused. After all, I do have a reputation to uphold.

THE END