Private Benjamin

This is a satirical revision of scenes from Goldie Hawn movies, particularly Private Benjamin, a very delightful Goldie Hawn comedy (at least the first half). My second half travels to another movie (and play). It would help to be familiar with these films, but I clearly can't really suggest that you become familiar with them (although perhaps you might want to see one of them afterward). In any case, I revised the scenes in a manner that I hope you will enjoy. The story is a bit long but it can be read in parts.

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When Judy Benjamin was eight years old she confessed her life's desire to her best friend. "All I want," Judy whispered, "is a big house, nice clothes, two closets, a live-in maid, and a professional man for a husband." Today, all of her dreams appeared to be coming true.

At the age of 28 she had finally achieved her goal. She had married Yale Goodman, a very successful lawyer, specializing in prenuptial and estate contracts. She had no idea what that meant but she couldn't be happier.

She hardly seemed to notice that the relationship was not particularly deep. Throughout the wedding reception he was still fielding calls from clients and business partners, promising before each call that it would be the last, that he would focus all of his attention now on their wedding and his bride, but each business call was inevitably followed by another.

Even if she had noticed his failings, however, Judy would not have objected. She understood that if not for his devotion to his career she would not receive the comforts, the pleasures, the security, that she treasured so much, and that he so easily and readily provided.

At one point during the reception, however, he did seem to disappear altogether.

Judy found him in the parking lot, sitting in the back seat of their limousine, again on the phone. She got in beside him.

"Honey, please," she implored, "it's our wedding day."

"Peanut," he replied. "I know, it's just a little business. This is the last one. I promise."

She smiled appreciatively.

He could never resist that smile. Who could? Judy Benjamin was the spitting image of Goldie Hawn, when she was a young adult actress. She was just so darned cute, with her long curly blonde hair, kissable lips, dimpled broad smile, red rouged cheeks, red fingernails and, perhaps most distinctive, her large, round, sparkling, twinkling innocent blue eyes with those long, curved, well-separated lashes. And, she even spoke with such a sweet, innocent, feminine voice. Some would say, actually many would say, that she came across rather goggle-eyed and ditzy, but that was really her special appeal. She was endearingly cute, cuddly, and kissable. No man could deny Judy her happiness. Nor would she deny his.

"Darling," Yale complained, "I have a very bad headache."

"Well, honey, no wonder! You've been on the phone all evening. Let me get you some Tylenol."

"Sweetheart, it's not a Tylenol headache."

She instantly knew what he meant. "Honey," she complained.

"Please," he groaned.

"Honey, please, not here."

"Why?"

"Cause it's my wedding day, and some of our guests are like ten feet away."

"Sweetheart, they're having a good time, they won't notice."

"But I'm in my dress."

"You're dress is fine." He didn't seem to get why it bothered her. For Yale, the fact that she would be in her wedding dress when she gave him a blow job made it all the more pleasing. All fiances want their brides to give them a blow job on their wedding night, but only a few would probably ask for one and none, other than Yale, would ask for one at the reception while she was still in her most special dress.

"Oh, dear," she sighed. This wasn't what she was expecting to do at her wedding reception.

Yale, though, would not be denied. He continued to plead and cajole. "C'mon, honey, please, c'mon."

Judy didn't want to, not really, but then she also didn't really mind. After all, this was how she got a husband like Yale in the first place. She knew that men needed you to do certain things and, besides, she had to admit that a part of her did actually enjoy doing this sort of stuff. But, still, in her wedding dress, at her reception, with relatives potentially walking right by? She asked, "Kiss me first?" He did more than that. He kissed her a number of times. It was a reasonable exchange, particularly on her wedding day. He gave her very sweet, tender, affectionate pecks and kisses on her lips; those cute little girlish "Goldie" lips that would soon kiss him somewhere else. When he was done with her request he returned to his own for a quid pro quo. "Okay?"

"Okay," she said softly, and brought her face down into his lap.

She unzipped his pants and reached inside the fly to extract his cock, which was already quite hard. His actual problem had nothing to do with having a headache. His problem was that he had been getting quite horny throughout the wedding and reception seeing Judy in that white lace, crinoline, wedding dress. He had not been entirely distracted by his business calls, and now he wanted some relief, some satisfaction. She had done this for him many times before, in many different ways and places, but the dress excited him so much that he just couldn't wait until their wedding night. There is perhaps nothing more sexy than a girl in her wedding dress, looking so very virtuous and virginal, slipping your cock into her innocent mouth and, who looked more innocent than Judy Benjamin?

He sighed deeply when she planted a soft, sweet peck on the tip of his cock. Those cute puckered lipsticked lips felt so nice on the head of his dick.

Judy did enjoy making her Yale happy and he did have a very kissable cock. She at first just uncovered the head. It looked so darling peeking out from his briefs. After her first loving, sustained kiss, she gave the swollen plum a series of sweet, lovable pecks, just like he had done for her lips.

She then traced her soft lips around and around the rounded crown, caressing his soft purplish bulb with her wet red lips, at times sneaking her tongue out for a brief tickling lick, giving him little butterfly flicks. She so much liked butterflies. They were so pretty and fragile, so feminine.

She slipped her hand into the small flap of his tight briefs and worked to pull the entire shaft out through the flap. It was a bit of struggle to get it out. "Honey," she complained, "if you wanted me to give you pleasure you should have worn your boxers."

"I know, I know. I'm sorry. I'll remember next time, kitten."

She knew that he wouldn't. He never did remember, and it was always a struggle to get him out of his briefs. With a bit more effort she pulled it out, and then paused to admire the sight. Yale did have such a nice pole. She found the contrast of the masculine hardness of his shaft with the soft tender head to be so appealing, so provocative. She also liked to breathe in the peaty smell of his masculine dick. He had such a lovely, sexy cock. She was so happy to be marrying him. Who would know that such a rich, successful lawyer would also have such a wonderful cock! She was such a lucky, happy bride.

She stuck out just the tip of her tongue to plant little licks along the curves of his cock head. She flicked and fluttered her tongue all along his smooth skin, getting every little inch and centimeter of the round red bulb glistening and shining with the moisture of her tongue. She even tilted and dropped her head down so that she could flick away at the sensitive underside. She knew Yale really liked that. It would always drive him up a wall and sometimes over the edge.

Yale groaned with satisfaction as he felt his bride's tongue at that most special, sensitive spot. He was twitching and jerking with pleasure as her tongue tortured him with such intense delight.

Judy stretched her mouth wide to take his thick meat entirely inside. She paused, letting him, letting it, anticipate what was about to cum, then closing her lips tightly around the sulcus to capture the engorged bulb in her mouth, which she now more thoroughly bathed and fondled with her tongue.

Yale sighed deeply. Judy was so good with her mouth and tongue. He loved his new bride. She was so sweet, so loving, and so very talented. He reached underneath to snake his right hand down into the top of her wedding dress. He always enjoyed playing with Judy's titties while she sucked him off. Judy did not have the largest breasts in the world. In fact, they were rather on the small side. But, he was not a superficial person, like some men. He was willing to accept her occasional failings, her inadequacies. That was what marriage was all about: accommodation, understanding, and compromise. And, besides, they complemented well her overall diminutive size and girlish face.

She did at least have quite large nipples. Because her breasts were so small Judy would at times not wear a bra, and that would became very evident whenever her perky nipples grew to their maximize size, which they certainly did now with the playful stimulation of Yale's fingers.

She began to slide her mouth up and down the shaft, as if she was humping his cock with her face, fucking him with her lips and tongue. She knew that Yale also liked that. He found it so earthy, so animalistic, so dirty. She knew that he had gotten lots of blow jobs in his life, being so handsome and successful (as well as being such a womanizer), and he once complained that he found that many of the girls just seemed to do it as a service, an obligation. They didn't really seem to enjoy it, nor did they really try to do it the way he liked best. Judy was much different. She would sense what Yale enjoyed best, and if she was confused or uncertain, she just asked. In the end, he got a blow job that seemed to be tailor made.

"That's good, dear, that's good, keep that up." He placed a hand on her head to encourage her to move faster.

Judy though quickly stopped and pulled her face away from his cock. "Honey, my hair!" She didn't mind terribly much sucking him off at her wedding reception, but she wasn't about to do it at the cost of messing up her hair. She did have her limits.

"Oh yeah, right, I'm sorry. I won't do it again."

She gave him a scowl. She wasn't really angry. It's just that he never seemed to remember these things, and he really should know better by now not to mess up her hair while she sucked him off, at least not on her most special wedding day. "Well, okay, but don't forget."

"I won't dear. I won't. Now, c'mon, I'm almost there and we have to get back to the reception."

"Yes, dear," she replied and resumed her sucking with renewed vigor. She bobbed her face rapidly up and down his cock, all the while working on the bulb with her tongue, while holding the shaft with her right hand while she worked her fingers beneath his briefs to tickle his balls with the fingers of her left. He always seemed to object to that, to his balls being tickled, but that was only because he was so terribly ticklish there and she could tell that he really liked it. There was something really very appealing about being tickled and sucked at the same time. Not too many guys would think of that on their own. It was her treat for him, despite his protests to the contrary.

"Honey, stop it, stop that!"

He was now really squirming in the car seat, trying to escape her tickling while at the same time enjoying so much the licking tongue, bobbing lips, and stroking fist.

She felt him squeeze her tit hard. It was perhaps in protest, in retribution, but it was also the signal that he was going to cum. He never would warn her verbally. He liked it to be a surprise, but she had long learned his signs and signals, his tell, and she gave him a double dose of tickle as she felt his cock twitch and jerk in her fist with the first gush of cum.

Yale gasped as he felt his orgasm sweep through him. "Judy, I love you! I love you so much!" It was such an odd conjoining of sensations: his body squirming and twitching with the tickling, coupled with the shuddering of his orgasm. Giggling and paroxysmal rapture both at the same time. What really could be better? His head went back and he sighed with orgiastic pleasure as he felt his cock jerk and spit into his bride's mouth.

Judy sighed with deep pleasure as well as she felt Yale's cock gush its load into her mouth. She did very much enjoy receiving a man's cum in her mouth. It was such a clear, vivid gesture of how much pleasure she had given him, how pleased he was with her, and taking him this way was itself such a concrete demonstration of how much she loved him. Plus, she had to admit, she just so much liked the taste and texture of Yale's cum. It was so thick, so gummy, so salty and viscous, and Yale had so much of it. He just kept squirting and spewing wad after wad after wad.

"Don't spill any," he gasped. It certainly wouldn't look good to have a cum stain on the trousers of his tux. It was, after all, rented, and a very pricey rental at that.

"Donth wthy," Judy slurred, as her mouth continued to fill with his globs, his sticky slop. She didn't need to be reminded. He was the one who forgot things, not her.

She could have swallowed some of it as more continued to spit and spurt, but she liked to get a full mouthful before she swallowed. Plus, she liked to show Yale how much stuff he gave her. It was a point of pride for him, as well as for her. For the both of them.

When he was done she carefully squeezed out any remaining drops that were left behind. She didn't want any leaking seepage as she was getting his penis back into his briefs. She carefully milked it like it was an udder, squeezing out the last final drops of thick milky cream into her mouth, and then carefully slipped his dick back into his briefs, keeping her mouth tightly shut all the time. It was again difficult, as he usually remained hard for awhile after he came. Plus, he never helped with this task. He would just sit back, breathing deeply, enjoying the bliss of the resolution phase of his orgasm. At best he might light up a cigarette or, at worst, a cigar. But he did at least know better than to do that in the limousine.

When his tool was safely tucked away, zipped, buttoned, and belted, she rose back up. By now she had swallowed a bit, but she did still have enough to give him one of her pretty cum smiles. She would smile broadly, showing him her teeth and the thick, sloppy gism that was still lodged in, sticking to, and hanging and dripping off her gums and teeth. He always thought that her smile was so cute and sexy, particularly when it was filled with his cum.

Tap! Tap! Tap!

"C'mon you two!"

A look of panic swept over Judy's eyes as she turned to see Mrs. Waxman through the window. She snapped her mouth tightly shut. Yale rolled the window down. He cheerfully greeted the woman, feeling much better and more sociable now. "Hello, Mrs. Waxman!"

She teasingly replied, "Two little love birds sitting in the car, K, I, S, S, I, N, G!"

"Yes, Mrs. Waxman, you caught us."

Judy would have preferred that Yale not roll down the window, but she knew they shouldn't ignore Mrs. Waxman. Her husband had been so generous with his wedding present, agreeing to furnish Yale's study in their new home with precisely the mushroom colored fabric that Judy so desperately wanted. He even had the ottoman redone when it was delivered with wheels rather than the upholstered balls that Judy preferred. As he said, "Anything for our little Judy."

"Dear," Mrs. Waxman said, speaking to Judy. "Are you feeling alright, your hair is a little mussed." Judy's hair was never mussed. If it was, then there must be something wrong. "Noth, ith okay, I'mth finth," she lisped and slurred. She had quickly swallowed quite a bit as soon as Yale had rolled down the window, but he had spewed so much there was still quite of bit lodged in various nooks and crannies of her cheeks and gums.

"Excuse my wife, Mrs. Waxman. She has a mouthful."

Judy gave him a big elbow in the ribs. How could he say such a thing?

But, he was not deterred. "We were just having some wedding cake in the limousine. You understand. A private moment for the husband and wife."

Husband and wife, that did sound so very, very good to Judy.

Mrs. Waxman understood. In fact, she realized that three at such a moment was probably a crowd. Still, though, they should realize that they do have some responsibilities at the reception. "Well, you two finish up the cake and then get inside." She turned to Judy. "I think your father is looking for you, Judy. I think he has a very special present."

"Thank you, Mrs. Waxman," Yale replied. "We'll be right in."

"Well, alright then," she said, and strolled off.

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It had been a lovely reception, and her father's present was indeed very generous: the down payment on a very upscale condo. However, tragedy did strike on the wedding night, and Judy found herself alone once again.

It was difficult, really very difficult. She had invested so much time and energy into Yale. She had worked on this one so hard. He had kept putting off getting married, year after year after year. That was in part why it was so terribly wonderful to finally be married. It had been such a long, committed investment, and she could finally cash in, with a very big dividend. Yale was such a great catch. She just didn't think she could start all over again with a new one. Plus, she was so old now. She was 28! How many reasonably desirable, worthwhile, profitable guys would still be available at this point? All that would be left would be losers that nobody had wanted in the first place or that somebody had returned after she got to know him.

It was a disaster, and she knew it. She was actually on her own, with no prospects even in sight. She had never been in this place before.

In fact, she had never not belonged to somebody. Never. Her first boyfriend was in nursery school. Since then she had been either coupled, promised, pinned, lavaliered, intended, betrothed, engaged, and then ultimately married.

If she wasn't going to be married, she had no idea what she was supposed to do with herself. She had no job skills. She never even really had a job. Her parents were so wealthy, and had been so supportive and caring that they had always provided for her when a boyfriend was unable.

She had gone to college, Livingston College, but it was never for the purpose of developing any knowledge, skills, or career. What would she do with a career? She had been a Delta Nu girl, and her only focus at Livingston was finding the right man (see "Fives steps to Delta Nu"). It was in fact there that she had found Yale, and she had feared that she would in fact be the first Delta Nu failure. It took so long to get him to walk down the aisle. All of her Delta Nu sisters were married to handsome, successful, rich, and/or powerful men by the time college was over (in some cases all off the above). But, not Judy Benjamin. And, every time she came back to Livingston for alumni weekend her sisters would ask when she was getting married. She began to dread those reunions, but Yale insisted they go. He so much loved to hang out with his old college buddies. Goodness knows what they did when they finally got away from the wives, and the forever fiancé, Judy.

How could she possibly go back to Livingston now? She would forever be the scar on the Delta Nu ledger.

She was so desperate that she began to call radio psychologists. As she explained to one of them, "Did you happen to see that movie, 'An unmarried woman'?" Well, I didn't get it. I would have been Mrs. Alan Bates so fast that guy wouldn't have known what hit him."

When she hung up to listen to the various responses of the radio audience to her story, she was flooded with a barrage of suggestions. One woman proposed that she would be better off without a man, that she should become a lesbian. Another suggested that she join a new religion. Another argued that she should just grow up, learn a skill, and get a job. None of the proposals were really very constructive. Until, she heard the suggestion that she needed the guidance, the security, and the heathy dose of self-confidence that she would get from a new life as a member of the proudest and the most supportive family in the country: the army.