Planet Of The Asses

[Jizz was fucking Phlatyllis doggie-style when they received the distress signal, from far away, on another planet. Waves, vibrations, emitted through space to where they were. He pulled out of her, and she moved aside.

"Fuck!" he growled, his head then swaying back and forth. "Do you sense that?"

"Yes, I do," she said. "From a...Peter Balls?"

"With a name like that, he could be one of ours," Jizz said, concentrating on the message as intensely as his lover was.

The following was Peter's message, as Jizz and Phlatyllis felt its vibrations making contact with their intellectual faculties:]

Call me Peter Balls. Please help me. My family and world are under attack from a predatory alien intelligence. I have a long, complicated story to tell you, so please bear with me.

I'll start my story, as hard as this is for me to believe, from before I was even born; I'll be able to tell it as if I were a spectator there, seeing as I've developed the same mind-expanding consciousness as everyone else who's been exposed to the little floating green things I'll be telling you about later.

['Little floating green things?' Jizz said. 'He's definitely one of ours. Let's continue listening.']

I'll start right at the beginning, at the very first moment of relevance. Picture this scene:

My soon-to-be father, Lieutenant Ellis Monroe, laughed as he was reading his ebook, an old story that now would be from almost two millennia ago.

"I didn't know William S. Burroughs was so funny," Commander Ansel Proctor said, looking out the window into space.

"I'm at the part where he's telling the story of the man who taught his asshole to talk," Monroe said. "His loquacious anus is demanding equal rights."

Both Proctor and Lieutenant Levar Arthur, the third man on their spaceship, laughed. "Why read a thousand-year-old story, Ellis?" Proctor asked.

"Hey, don't knock it," Monroe said. "It's an old classic."

"What's that up ahead?" Arthur asked.

"An electromagnetic storm?" Monroe said just after looking up from his ebook. "A wormhole?"

"I don't know," Proctor said, frowning as he looked out ahead, leaning forward with curiosity in his eyes.

"Don't you think it's time we turned the ship around and went back to the mothership?" Arthur asked. "I know you don't like any of those people we have to work with, but..."

"I don't like people, period," Proctor said with a pout. "Present company excepted, of course."

"Look, that disagreement you had with Captain Becker..." began Monroe.

"Captain Pecker, more like it," Proctor said, then began accelerating towards the electromagnetic storm.

"Hey, c'mon, Ansel," Monroe said. "It's our job to find a habitable planet to replace the Earth with."

["'Replace the Earth with'," Phlatyllis said. "I'm not sure the teller of this story is one of ours. The Earth was almost as bad off as when we came to this once-red planet."

"Let's just keep listening," Jizz said.]

"To exploit and destroy all life on, as we did on the Earth," Proctor said. That storm was up close now.

"Proctor, you're going to get us killed!" Arthur said.

"We're already dead, in spirit if not yet in body," Proctor said. "Maybe we'll find a habitable planet on the other side."

"Not likely," Arthur said. "C'mon!"

"There's just as small a likelihood of finding a good planet out here as there is on the other side of that thing," Proctor said. "And I'm in command here, in case you both forgot."

"We know you're despairing of the Earth, and of the politics on board the mother ship," Monroe said, "but..."

"The same politics as on Earth," Proctor said. "Kill and dominate. I'm not helping them."

They were almost in the electromagnetic storm now.

"Alright, I'm taking over," Monroe said.

"Are you disobeying a superior officer?" Proctor said, then pressed a few buttons.

"We don't wanna die!" Arthur said. "And you're disobeying Captain Becker's orders!"

"Fuck him!" Proctor said.

Arthur and Monroe struggled with Proctor to take control of the ship. They knocked him to the side, but he'd just set the shuttle to autopilot, using his password so the other two couldn't switch it back to manual.

"What's your password, Ansel?" Monroe yelled. "Tell me, before I beat it out of you!"

"It's too late," Proctor said. "We're going in."

They heard a voice from the mothership from the intercom. "This is Captain Becker to shuttle XX19. Turn your ship around and return immediately. You have been given no authority to continue as you are now. Return to the mothership immediately!"

The shuttle entered the electromagnetic storm.

["Entering an electromagnetic storm," Phlatyllis said. "That sounds familiar. I wonder if it was the same one as..."

"Will you stop interrupting?" Jizz said. "Let's just hear the rest of the story."]

The three men screamed as their ship spun around and around. As the lights flashed in the windows, the men saw the distorted image of a talking man. He looked like their captain.

"Is...that...Pecker?" Proctor said.

"Captain...Becker," Arthur corrected. "And why...are we...seeing him? The mothership...is behind us!"

"Time warp?" Monroe said.

"Wherever we go," Proctor said, "please,...if there...is a God,...don't let us...find him...and his crew...wherever we're going."

Next, they saw brief flashes of naked asses, bent over bodies with vulvas, anuses, and scrotums showing.

'What is this,... a porno?" Arthur asked.

"Better a porno...than Pecker," Proctor said.

The ship passed through the electromagnetic storm, and after spinning and swaying out of control for another minute or so, the autopilot regained control and had it steering straight again.

"Well, we got through that alright," Proctor said.

"Yeah," said Monroe. "But where the hell are we?"

"There," Proctor said, pointing to a green and blue planet ahead and to the bottom-left of the shuttle's front window. "That planet looks OK. According to my scanner, there's water, plant and-well, some kind of animal life, even oxygen. Gravity's about the same as Earth's, too. That star over there will serve as a sun."

"Well, how's that for convenient?" Arthur said.

"But where's the mothership?" Monroe asked. "We can't tell Captain Becker about it."

"Pecker can do without this planet," Proctor said. "It's ours. We'll live there without exploiting anyone or anything."

"What if the life there exploits us?" Arthur said.

"Well, that'll be humanity's bad karma," Proctor said.

He landed the shuttle in the middle of a forest, full of lush vegetation: trees, grass, a waterfall-just like Earth.

"The mothership must have gotten here before us," Arthur said. "Then planted all this greenery from its supplies. How else could this planet be so much like Earth?"

"We never saw the mothership fly ahead of us in the electromagnetic storm," Monroe said. "We only saw Becker's face. And even if they all did get through first, how could he and his crew have set everything up so quickly?"

"They would have needed at least half a year to put vegetation all over the planet," Arthur said. "Even with our growth-accelerating technology."

"Check the year on the computer, Ansel," Monroe said.

"3955," Proctor said.

"Whoa!" Monroe said. "We've gone almost eleven hundred years into the future. Do you think the mothership could have passed through and gotten here in an earlier century?"

"Could be, but I doubt it," Proctor said. "If Pecker got here by time warp, last in the electromagnetic storm and first out, and gotten here first, his world-destroying ways would have destroyed all life here within a generation of his having landed here." They went out the shuttle's door.

"You really have a dim view of the Central Command of the mothership, Ansel," Arthur said, sneering at Proctor.

"Yes, I do, and for very good reason," Proctor said. "I remember what Pecker said he wanted to do once he'd 'greened up' the habitable planet he was to find. Re-establish a market system as the head of the corporation he'd inherited from his father, Stellar Corporation. The same interplanetary business that waged war with its rival on Earth, the Gaia Company Ltd., during the Corporate Wars, then destroyed all life there in a nuclear war. Pecker never learned; I know when I found out about his Alpha/Omega bomb. He wants to make the same mistakes all over again. That's why I hate him."

They stepped out of the shuttle. Everywhere around them were trees, bushes, and grass. The fresh air reassured them that they didn't need to wear their space suits.

Fruit hung on most of the trees: apples, mangoes, bananas, pears-just like on Earth, but grouped together in a manner suggesting an artificial planting of them.

"God, I hope Pecker didn't get here first," Proctor said.

"If he did, he doesn't seem to have done any warmongering for profit," Arthur said.

"And if he didn't, a sister to planet Earth seems to be too wild a coincidence," Monroe said.

"Well, maybe the Central Committee is on the other side of the planet," Proctor said. "I hope we never run into them, whatever's going on here."

"Or maybe they lost whatever war Becker was planning in defence of his corporation," Monroe said. "Do you see those green things floating over there?" He pointed at a cluster of small, green, puffy balls hovering to his right. They were like spherical asterisks, and all three men had the feeling they were watching them, waiting to fly onto them and absorb something from them.

"They don't look like anything from Earth," Proctor said. "But they seem to be alive."

"Let's keep our distance from them," Monroe said. "Just to be on the safe side."

"Good idea," Arthur said. "How about a swim over there?" He pointed to the waterfall and lake that was about fifty meters to the left of where the men and their shuttle were.

They ran over to it, got naked, and jumped into the water. They all grinned as they swam and splashed about in the refreshing blue.

Then they saw her come out from the bushes.

Proctor looked over and saw her. "Well, well, well," he said as his eyes roved all over her frontal nudity. "What have we here?"

"Damn, she's fine!" Arthur said. "Turn around for us, honey. Let's see what the rest of you looks like."

She turned around for the gawking men, the look in her own eyes a mix of fear and trance.

"She understands English, apparently," Monroe said, his mouth and eyes wide open at the sight of this golden-haired beauty. She had tanned skin, serpentine curves, round breasts and bubbly buttocks. Her toes were like peach-coloured grapes he wanted to suck and nibble on. Those brown, timid eyes, however, were what had HIM in a trance.

None of the men noticed the green spherical asterisks floating around her head...and theirs.

She got on the ground by the edge of the lake, and lay on her back, her legs spread.

"What's your name?" Monroe panted.

"Vova," she cooed, her eyes gazing into Monroe's.

"Appropriate name," Proctor said, eyeing her vagina.

"Well, if she isn't embarrassed about showing herself off, why should we be?" Arthur said, then got out of the water, proudly showing off his full erection.

"I agree," Proctor said, following Arthur.

As Monroe followed behind Proctor, as much in a trance as the other two men, Vova rolled over on all fours and spread her legs out wide, exposing her bronze anus-wrinkles as well as her pink genitals. A few asterisks were dancing around her bottom now. She looked back at the approaching men, Monroe in particular, with inviting eyes.

"I want her mouth," Arthur said as he walked over to her head. She looked up at him as he aimed his dick at her lips.

"I want that pretty brown asshole," Proctor said, then knelt behind her.

Monroe, speechless in his amazement at her beauty, got on the ground and slid under her. I want all of her, he thought as he aimed his dick at her vagina.

I feel conflict and great difficulty describing my own future mother in this way, but the image in my mind is so vivid, and I feel so compelled to tell the story in all its lewd explicitness-because of the alien intelligence in my head making me do so-that you'll just have to endure the pornographic description, whoever's listening.

["The alien intelligence in his HEAD," Jizz commented. "I don't think he means the head of his cock."

"I thought we were going to keep quiet and listen, Jizz," Phlatyllis said.]

Conveniently, all three of her holes were lubed and ready for the men, who still hadn't noticed the anatomical improvements of their own bodies, all courtesy of the asterisks: all three men now had muscle tone, the endurance of youth, and longer, thicker cocks. Nor had they yet noticed the green asterisks all around their heads.

All three men slid inside her, causing a chorus of moans and sighs. Monroe wished he could look in her eyes as he moved in and out of her wet pussy, a perfect fit for his cock, but Arthur's cock, slipping in and out of her salivating mouth, as well as his balls slapping against her chin, was a turn-off for him; so Monroe stared at her shaking breasts instead. He cupped his hands on them and gave them gentle squeezes, all the time wondering about that enigmatic fear he'd seen in her eyes...not a fear of being taken advantage of by three strange men, but somehow, he sensed, as if he could read her mind...she had a fear of losing control of her mind. He felt an urge to protect her from that, but didn't know why.

"Oh!" Arthur groaned. "She is...talented! Uh!" He came in her mouth, then fell back on the dirt, dazed from what he felt was the best blow-job in human history.

"Her...asshole," Proctor grunted, "is...so...tight. Ah!" Indeed, that tight ring was crushing his cock. He pulled out, not wanting to come inside her, and shot his load in a high arc so it would spray all over the grass to their right. Dazed and staggering, he fell back into the water.

Now Monroe had her all to himself. Wanting to clean her of his colleagues' pollutions, he picked her up while still fucking her, then walked with her in his arms, always grinding, back to the lake.

They went in and lay in a shallow area, the water up to their chests, while Vova, sensing her lover wanted her mouth clean, splashed water on her face to clean away any vestiges of Arthur's come. She further intuited what Monroe wanted-the asterisks guiding her thinking as they do in my relating of this story-and drank up huge gulps of water to clean her mouth out.

Now Monroe could kiss her. The lovers dug their tongues inside each other's mouths and snaked them over and under each other as their lips pressed together so closely, it was as if there was one mouth instead of two.

He looked closely in her eyes and wondered, What are you so afraid of, sweetie? Those beautiful eyes of yours show a secret terror I want to shield you from.

Proctor, just to the side of the lovers, got out of the water and sat by Arthur.

"I think Monroe's in love," he said to Arthur.

"I almost feel bad about us sharing his girl," Arthur said. "I have a feeling, though, that there are other beauties on this planet...lots of other beauties."

"Me, too...such a strange feeling to have," Proctor said as he and Arthur got up. "This sister of planet Earth seems to be a global brothel. I wonder what the planet's name is."

"Whoror," Vova sighed. "Ah!"

"Another appropriate name," Proctor said. The green asterisks were flying in circles around the two unwitting men. "Something's telling me there are more naked women in that field over there. Let's go."

"Definitely," Arthur said, and the men, not bothering to put their clothes back on, ran off.

"Unh!" Monroe yelled, coming inside Vova. She dug her fingernails into his back as she came, too. They lay there in the water and held each other tight. They brought their faces together, their noses touching, and they stared into each other's eyes. "I...barely know you, yet...I feel...I'm already...in love with you."

Most of the asterisks left them and followed Proctor and Arthur. They ran through the field, where other naked men and women, like Vova, were running. The other runners were chanting something, over and over, in an alien language, but something Proctor and Arthur-inexplicably-could instinctively understand to mean, "Fuck fast, then run!", panting the words out. Like Vova, their faces suggested they were in a trance, yet with a trace of fear...fear of losing control of their minds and bodies.

Those who were running with Proctor and Arthur were coming from one side of the field, the one near the lake, while another group of runners, as yet unseen and unknown, were coming from the other side. Proctor and Arthur felt drawn to them, already knowing, uncannily by instinct, what to expect without needing to see them.

"We're...hunting ass!" Arthur panted.

"Hunting it,...then...humping it," Proctor said.

Finally, those from the other side of the field appeared from the tall grass: they were all men and women as naked as all those on Proctor's and Arthur's side, but they were all moving on all fours, the men bent over backwards, reminding Proctor of Regan MacNeil going down the stairs in The Exorcist (again, how I know Proctor's memory of a drama I've never seen, which is from two millennia before I was even born, is a testament to the extent of the library of accessible knowledge these asterisks provide!), with their legs in front and their arms behind, with erect cocks pointing up at the sky and their heads bent back so they couldn't be seen; the women were crawling on all fours, but backwards, with their asses pointed out front and their unseen heads in the back, slouched between their arms.

Proctor's and Arthur's eyes were almost bulging out of their heads, their salivating mouths dropped wide open at the pussy they saw offered to them.

It was an erotic, but also eerie sight, for the anuses and vulvas of the backwards-crawling women were opening and closing like the lips of a smoker blowing smoke Os [Again, I know this from Arthur's memory of having blown smoke Os before. The asterisks provide me with not only my father's memories, but the knowledge of all those involved in this oh, so strange story!]. The dick-holes of the phalluses of the men were vibrating open and closed in the same way. All of them chanted a mantra unintelligible to the human ear-"ew-ew-ew-ew-ew-ew-ew"-but the vibrations of this sound reverberated in the heads of every listener, and seemed to be some kind of mental telepathy, for every human understood the message.

The penises, vulvas, and anuses were all saying, "Make love to me, not war with me."

The women on Proctor's and Arthur's side got on top of the men's upward-pointing cocks, and the men-including Proctor and Arthur, of course-got behind the bent-over women. A few gay and lesbian exceptions mated with those of their own sex.

And the fucking began.

Again, the asterisks are making me tell you all the explicit details-I can't help it. Please excuse me.

Both Proctor and Arthur were pumping in and out of vaginas this time, staring in a daze at the women's talking, opening and closing anuses, which endlessly vibrated, "Ew-ew-ew-ew-ew-ew-ew," or, "Make love with me, not war with me."

To Proctor's right, he saw a beautiful naked brunette bouncing on the cock of a man lying on the dirt. Both lovers had long hair that obscured the faces of their slumped-over heads.

We never see their faces, he thought; Why is that?

Still, their fucking was an inspiration to him to keep jamming away inside the girl he was with...a girl whose face he never got to see.

Meanwhile, Monroe and Vova got out of the water while still in each other's arms. It comforts me to know how much my father and mother were in love, here in a world where love seems to be only physical. They stared in each other's eyes and grinned.