[Β©2010 BY CLINTON09; ALL CHARACTERS OVER THE AGE OF 18; NO EVENTS DESCRIBED ARE TRUE]
Caveat: if you dig the Octomom and the idea of pregnancy, then soldier on; if not, you are dismissed.
*
My name is Thurman. I am a billionaire. I bought one of those many on line website gossip columns that have an occasional presence on TV as well. I paid much too much for it, making the obnoxious two guys who founded it rich beyond their expectations and even more insufferable, if possible, than they were before.
I couldn't be concerned with that. I bought the site not so much to make a net profit, but really to get my hands on the pulse of society. I didn't give a damn whether Lindsay Lohan was arrested or not arrested, doing lines of coke or not. Frankly, I thought she and her friends were damn hot and I wanted just a tiny look into that world. You see (here comes the sob story...), I had to work all my young life and never really had time to 'make the scene'. I never married and I really missed out on THE most valuable asset in the world, a good spouse, and the 2nd most valuable asset in the world, the children that would result from the 1st most valuable.
I always kept up on the issues of the day, which were stories in the news, especially ones that we would be breaking. When I asked about the Octomom, and the AP story that she had to auction off some of her possessions, the young stringers (reporters) all laughed.
Tory, 22, just out of UCLA, snickered, saying: "Old man, she was news a long time ago. That's yesterday's news, dude!"
I specifically encouraged the kind of loose collegial atmosphere that would allow this bloke's rude comments, so I didn't bat an eyelash. All I said was: "Excuse me; Myron, can I see you for a second?"
Myron was the coordinator of the news crew and damn good at this Hollywood and national news biz. I told him: "Look, call me crazy. I know you have staffers doing everything else BUT this, so I would like to jump into the shallow end and see if there is still anything of interest surrounding our old friend, the Octomom."
He DID look at me like I was crazy. He said: "Hey, I am sure that there is nothing there but a pathetic display of begging publicly for help in raising 14 rugrats. But, you ARE the Man, you are the head honcho. If you want to do a report, then I will book you roundtrip. Have a nice one."
What did Mel Brooks say in the History of the World, Part One? "It is GOOD to be the king!" No sooner had I raised the issue then I was off flying first class to see the Octomom. It would be quite a contrast, too. She with Mother Hubbard problems of childcare and no money, me with no children and tons of money.
I came to her door and she answered it herself. I could hear in the background all sorts of sounds of children, including the unmistakable sound of infants. It had a strangely mesmerizing effect on me almost instantly. I had called in advance so she was not surprised by my visit. She saw me in.
I sat down on a relatively ratty cloth couch that had seen better days. She excused herself. It was 10 pm and all of the kids had to be in bed, if not asleep. I asked if I could help.
She looked at me with that famous doleful expression--her lips strangely outsized, her face deceptively beautiful (to me at least.) She said with 14 kids, she couldn't be polite. Yes, she did need help.
When I arrived at her humble abode, I wasn't sure about my feelings about her, her legion of offspring, and the whole aura of the Octomom. I know that people are split, some envying her fertility if not lifestyle choices, others thinking her a carnival sideshow. I was leaning to the latter until I arrived in her home.
Seeing the endless line of cribs, bunks and beds, I was ashamed to admit it...it got me damned hot. For someone who desperately wanted a family and had none, like me, this place was like a temple of new life. I just had to make like Larry David, and 'curb my enthusiasm'.
We finally got all 14 of the young pups settled, with bribes of rubber nipples, teddy bears, 3 bottles, and other devices. It was actually quiet...for the moment.
We escaped to her living room. She told me that she had had a sale to raise money. She even had to autograph and sell her nursing bra. For some reason, that hit me square in the family jewels. Under my gabardine slacks, my deep frozen old fun toy started defrosting, reaching to 4 of its total 8 inch size.
I asked: "Tell me, was that REALLY your nursing bra, or just one that you got for the auction?"
Octomom: [laughing] "Oh, it was real all right; you DO know that women don't just wear one bra continually, don't you?"
Me: [embarrassed] "Well, sure, now that you tell me! Anyway, I don't know what you got for it, but I would've paid $1,000 for your real autographed nursing bra..."
Boing...she leapt up and zoomed to her room. Out she came with this enormous device looking more like bat wings in white than a bra. She closed the nursing patches, grabbed a marker, signed it, and handed it to me.
I asked: "How do I know that this is a REAL nursing bra of yours that you reaaly used?"
Octomom: "Well, you can see the front, where my erect nursing nipples pushed out the front until the material formed these little bumps. Also, if you look, you can see the white material has some ochre or eggshell color, where my breastmilk might have leaked a little. You can even smell that mother's milk, if you take the time."
I grabbed the bra, saw those gentle discolorations of crème color, and then took a deep breath. Holy Hanna but I could smell the distinct scent of milk, which I presume was mother's milk. That dairy smell...some would be off put by it, but it got me turned on again, and my eight inch rod assumed steel hardness. Ms. Suleiman (the Octomom) had to notice it too.
I started an interrogation of the whole phenomenon, going over territory that she had had covered many times. So, I asked her was there any minutia that people didn't ask normally.
Octomom: [thinking] "Well, most people except nursing moms don't know the almost magical correlation between their breasts and the babies' needs. The babies are sleeping now, but if some of them cried to be fed, you would see my body respond, with a life of its own."
I smiled politely, thinking "sure, sure, sure." I soldiered on with my interview, recording all of it on our digital recorders; those palm devices that are the life's blood of the industry. All of a sudden, one of the infants cried out, waking the one sharing its crib, so that two now gave the eternal "Wah" sound. We (ok, she) would have to staunch this or all 14 would be up again. As she left the room, something struck me that I couldn't put my finger on. She moved too fast for me to see clearly. The Octomom was back in no time and then it hit me. BAM.