Let's Be Batman

Tommy was feeling stumped. He admittedly felt that way most of the time but tonight he was feeling particularly vexed. Four things were currently indecipherable in his brain:

1) Black Canary had been cold & distant ever since that night in Ra's Al Ghul's lair. Tommy had tried to engage her both verbally and physically and she had rejected him. Tommy didn't know why.

2) The Mad Hatter had seemingly vanished after running amok in Gotham the night before. Tommy didn't know where he was.

3) Lex Luthor was looking for something in Gotham and had tried to get "Batman" out of the way. Tommy & Barbara Gordon didn't know what he was after. And Tommy STILL wasn't sure which, if any, member of the Justice League might be working with him.

The third mystery led into the fourth: Barbara had tasked Tommy with tracking down The Riddler and coercing him into helping them find out what Luthor was after. She insisted that Batman was the only person The Riddler would meet with, as Batman was the only person The Riddler respected. The two had matched wits many times before, Barbara said, and The Riddler believed Batman to be quite intelligent.

"Hopefully he doesn't figure out the truth," Barbara had said earlier.

"Hey..." Tommy was muttering as he traversed Gotham, hours later.

The Riddler was both easily tracked down and impossible to find. He compulsively always left a clue at his previous lair that led to his next one. If Tommy could solve the riddle, he'd be golden.

But, like always, Tommy was stumped.

"What can travel around the world while staying in a corner?"

Tommy stared at the riddle. He fucking hated riddles. They made him feel, like, dumb and stuff. He stared at the clue, embossed on a 8 1/2 x 11 card, and tried to decipher it. Actually, he mostly thought about tits, but occasionally he tried to decipher the puzzle.

'What stays in a corner?' He thought to himself. '...Baby? No, you're not supposed to put her in a corner. ...Tits? Goddammit, try to focus. Stays in a corner... go to a corner... go to your corner... GOT IT!!!'

Tommy quickly got on the comm and contacted Barbara Gordon.

"Barb! I went to The Riddler's last known location and found a clue that leads to his next hideout. Where's the nearest boxing ring?"

"Boxing Ring?" Barbara responded after a brief moment. She sounded like she was having dinner. "That doesn't sound like somewhere The Riddler would be. Are you sure you got the riddle right?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure," Tommy said, sounding offended. "Geez, give me a little credit."

Barbara paused. "Go ahead and read the riddle back to me," She told him.

Tommy sighed and began to read the card. "'What can travel around the world while staying in a cor-"

"A stamp," Barbara said, cutting him off. Tommy stared at the card. 'Fuck, that makes a lot more sense,' Tommy thought.

"Why did you think it was a boxing ring?" Barbara asked. She sounded like she was trying not to laugh.

Tommy felt very sheepish. "You know, because boxers have to, like, go to a corner during a bout."

"And boxers travel around the world?" Barbara said. She was laughing openly now.

"Yeah," Tommy said, feeling defensive. "You know, to fight... shut up," He said quietly.

"Okay, okay, so we got that riddle solved. You know where to head to next?" Barbara asked him, her laughter dying down.

"Of course I do," Tommy replied. His pride was hurt. "The answer was 'stamp' so I need to head to... to..."

"A post office," Barbara finished. There was clicking on her end of the line. "There's an abandoned post office not to far from you, at Cross & Wayne. And Batman," She said, her voice quivering, "Don't try to match wits with The Riddler. He's incredibly bright and you're... well..."

"I'll be fine," Tommy said quickly. "He's a nerd, right? I know how to handle nerds. That was like the only thing I learned how to do in high school. Didn't you?"

"I graduated high school when I was 15, so..." Barbara said nonchalantly.

"Oh," Tommy said. He felt dumb once again.

"Call me if you have any more riddles," Barbara said, her voice quivering as she signed off.

Tommy hung up and headed for the post office.

'I fucking hate riddles,' He thought.

***

Diedre Vance & Nina Damfino could not have predicted 6 months ago that they would be sitting in an abandoned post office, working for a man who dressed entirely in green and obsessed with puzzles, but life has a funny way of surprising you.

The two henchwomen had met at, oddly enough, a dominatrix club. Diedre, blonde & fair, had worked the front desk while Nina, darker with short black hair, had been one of the club's most in-demand workers. The two had struck up a friendship and, when an aggressive customer refused to accept that Diedre wasn't available for work and had gotten violent, Nina had responded by sticking him in the dick with a knife. The two had been on the run ever since and had wound up impressing The Riddler when they tried to stick him up outside of a bank. The villain didn't give him the cash; instead, he offered them jobs.

Overall, the gig wasn't bad for the two. The Riddler, while eccentric, was generally kind. He paid them on time, his jobs were always immaculately planned, and he never laid a finger on them. It could certainly be worse, as henchpeople for The Joker could certainly attest. The Penguin's probably made more money but they had to deal with The Penguin's grabby hands (plus they all ended up dead) and Two-Face's people never knew who they were going to deal with. No, dealing with The Riddler was as good as it was going to get for a Gotham City henchperson.

Of course, the job had its downsides. The outfit, for one. Both women had to wear a skintight green bathing suit with large "?" emblazoned on the front, along with domino masks and fishnet stockings. They looked good but it was hard to fight in: Diedre managed alright with her tall, slender frame but Nina was constantly worried that her large breasts would spill out of her top and she was constantly picking a wedgie out of her voluptuous ass. The lone piece of flair they were allowed was the policeman's cap that Diedre had picked up on their first caper; she convinced The Riddler to let her keep it by telling him it could be a riddle as to why she was wearing it. He liked that.

The nicknames were another annoyance. Diedre & Nina were not good enough for The Riddler, of course not. They simply HAD to go by Query & Echo. Diedre, now Query, made sense, but when Nina asked The Riddler why she was named Echo he simply smiled and told her to solve it. Diedre had barely held Nina back from punching their boss.

And then there were the riddles. God, the riddles. People thought The Riddler left riddles at his crimes to taunt the police and the superheroes that patrolled Gotham, to prove some sort of point about how smart he was, but the truth was he couldn't help himself. The man was compulsive, constantly answering questions in the form of riddles. This wasn't so grating most of the time, but when you as your boss where to go to escape the police cars behind you and he answers by telling you about a man with 7 wives it could be a little irritating.

Both Query & Echo liked their boss but they were never quite sure of what he was going to do. He could either do the smart thing or the compulsive thing. And now, as they watched Batman swinging upside down in one of The Riddler's immaculate traps, they hoped to God that he'd do the smart thing.

"Riddle me this, Query," The Riddler was saying, a wide smile on his face. He spun his cane as he presented his riddle.

"When I'm metal or wood,

I help you get home.

When I'm flesh and I'm blood,

In the darkness I roam."

"A bat," Query replied after a moment of thought. She couldn't help but feel a certain thrill when The Riddler nodded in approval. She couldn't help it; she loved riddles.

"That's right, a bat," The Riddler said as he watched Batman try in vain to pull himself up and undo the rope that was holding him. Batman flailed and then gave up, hanging upside down by one foot.

"I didn't come here to fight," Batman said. "I came here for help."

"Help?" The Riddler said, pausing the twirling of his cane. "Oh Batman, I agree that you need a fair bit of help right now." The Riddler acted confident but Echo knew that her boss's interest was piqued. "What sort of help did you need?" The Riddler asked, trying not to sound interested.

Batman began to speak. "Lex Luthor is trying to get his hands on something in Gotham and I need to find out what. I was hoping that you could help."

Query & Echo eyed their boss carefully. The smart thing to do would be to say no. The compulsive thing... The Riddler began to speak.

"When you have me

you want to share me

When you share me

I no longer exist..."

"Echo?" The Riddler asked his buxom assistant. She sighed angrily; she hated riddles. She was surprisingly good at them but still, answering them constantly was incredibly grating. But she knew that not answering would kill The Riddler so she tersely replied, "A secret."

"Indeed," The Riddler said, stroking his chin. "Lex Luthor has a secret and, given that Batman has come to me for help, it must be a good one..."

The Riddler trailed off, his mind already working. Query & Echo were worried; they knew that this was just the kind of thing someone like Batman would say to distract their boss, to throw him off. They tried urgently to get him back on track.

"Boss," Echo said, "Remember that we have plans ahead." The three were due to knock over a train carrying an assortment of bonds the next night; their carefully-planned heist had to go on as scheduled.

Echo's words seemed to have their effect on The Riddler. "I'm sorry, Batman, but I'm afraid my assistant is right. I'm a little too tied up to help you right now. Or to free you, as well. You're going to hang here for a very long time." Both Query & Echo breathed a sigh of relief.

"...Unless you are able to answer the following riddle."

Query grimaced. Echo muttered a profanity under her breath.

"A riddle? Goddammit," Batman said as he swung lightly from side to side. "I fucking hate riddles."

The Riddler began to recite a riddle. It was one of his favorites and one both Query & Echo had heard before.

"What is the beginning of eternity, the end of time an-"

"I figured you wouldn't be able to help me," Batman said, interrupting him. "It probably wouldn't matter, anyway. If The Cluemaster couldn't figure out what Luthor was up to then certainly you wouldn't have been able to." He let the words hang in the air. Echo winced when she heard the name.

"The... The Cluemaster?" The Riddler said in disbelief. "You went to THE CLUEMASTER before you came to me?" His face turned red.

Batman, still hanging upside down, nodded. "Well of course I went to The Cluemaster first. I needed the best."

Query held her breath.

"The be... I'M THE BEST!" The Riddler yelled. "I'VE BEFUDDLED AND VEXED THE GREATEST CRIMEFIGHTERS IN THE WORLD!!! I HAVE PLANNED THE GREATEST CAPERS THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN!!! I'M THE RIDDLER, DANG IT!!! NO ONE IS BETTER THAN ME!!!" The Riddler was apoplectic now, and both henchwomen went to his side to calm him down.

"I guess we'll never know, since you won't help," Batman said. There was a long silence and then Batman grabbed something from his utility belt and held it out. It looked like a memory stick. The Riddler stomped forward and snatched it from his hand.

Query & Echo both sighed. Their boss had done the compulsive thing.

"I'll show you who the best is," The Riddler said. He fiddled with the memory stick, turning it over in his hands. He put it in his suit pocket but kept his hand inside, fiddling with it. "And I'll leave you here hanging until I figure out what exactly is going on." The Riddler motioned to Query & Echo and they headed for the door. The two walked out, irritated that their upcoming heist was surely going to be foiled by The Riddler's obsession with his newest puzzle. They were even more irritated when they heard The Riddler speak from behind them:

"...Unless you are able to solve the following riddle."

Query threw up her hands. Echo yelled, "For fuck's sake," loudly into the air.

The Riddler began to recite a riddle. It was another one of his riddles and one Query & Echo had heard before.

"I have billions of eyes,

Yet I live in darkness.

I have millions of ears,

Yet only four lobes.

I have no muscle,

Yet I rule two hemispheres.

What am I?"

Query & Echo stood impatiently by the door, waiting for a reply. There was silence. The Riddler leaned on his cane impatiently. The silence hung heavily in the air. The henchwomen slowly walked back towards Batman and their boss, trying to figure out why he wasn't responding. It was a relatively simple riddle and one the detective should be able to solve easily.

"Well?" The Riddler asked impatiently.

Batman finally spoke. "Fuck your riddles," He said. "I'm not answering."

"...What?" The Riddler said. His face fell.

"I told you, I hate riddles," Batman told him. "They're stupid and I'm not playing."

Query & Echo made their way back to their boss's side and were looking at each other worriedly. No one had ever refused to answer a riddle. They weren't sure how their boss would react.

"But..." The Riddler said softly, "You have to. I need you to." The Riddler was starting to sweat.

"No," Batman said. The Riddler began to get worked up once again.

"Answer the riddle!" He yelled. "Answer it! Answer it! Answer it!" His face was beet red now.

"Nope," Batman said.

"Here, I'll give you an easier one," The Riddler said. He recited another riddle:

"What belongs to you,

But is used by others?"

"Don't care," Batman said. His own face was turning redder from being hung upside for so long.

The Riddler dropped down to his knees, looking Batman in the eye. "Please, Batman," The Riddler began to plead, "Please answer the riddle. I can't leave until you answer a riddle. Please. Please, I beg you."

"Nah," Batman said.

The Riddler's voice cracked. He sounded like he was going to cry. "Please! I'll give you anything! I'll solve your puzzle! I'll turn myself into the police! You can take from me whatever you want! I just need you to guess!"

"N- wait, really?" Batman asked. He seemed to be considering The Riddler's offer. "...Can I fuck them if I guess?" Batman gestured towards Query & Echo. Both of them stood up straighter and looked at each other, shocked.

"Fuck them?" The Riddler said, looking back at his two henchwomen. "If it means you'll guess then yes, absolutely!"

"Wait, what the fuck?" Echo said. Query covered her mouth with her hand as The Riddler recited another riddle.

"What gets broken without being held?"

"Wait, there's no way Query & I are-" Echo began to say.

"An arrow?" Batman guessed.

"Thank God!" The Riddler shouted. "You're wrong, of course, I mean completely off, but at least you guessed!" The Riddler stood up and wiped his brow. "Now I can get started on this little puzzle." The Riddler held up the memory stick and began to walk out of the back room.

"Ahem," Batman said, still swinging from the ceiling. The Riddler turned and saw Batman, then looked at his assistants.

"Echo, Query, go ahead and fuck Batman for me. A deal's a deal," He said. Then The Riddler turned and walked out of the room, still fiddling with the memory stick.

Query & Echo, their jaws dropped, stared at one another. They slowly turned and looked at Batman. The superhero shrugged.

"We have the worst boss ever," Echo grumbled.

"Echo, we don't actually have to..." Query said, looking at her partner for reassurance.

"Absolutely not," Echo said. She could find another supervillain to work for. Maybe someone who's not, you know, crazy. She was already wondering how exactly to write "henchwoman" on her resume when Batman spoke.

"It's okay, you don't have to," He said. "Of course, then you'll never know the greatest riddle of all..."

Query couldn't help herself. She loved riddles. "What riddle is that?"

"How big is Batman's dick?" Batman said.

"...That's not a riddle," Echo said. Still, both women could feel their curiosity aroused. Something else was aroused, too; neither had been laid in a while, finding The Riddler unappealing and having little time to go meet men.

Plus, c'mon, it was Batman. Every woman in Gotham had probably thought about Batman's dick at least once in their lives. Query & Echo were no different.

Query fiddled with her policeman's cap. Echo adjusted her gloves.

"Well..." Query began.

"I mean, he's all tied up..." Echo continued. The two looked at each other and began to laugh at the absurdity of the situation. They both knew the smart thing would be to walk out of there, to leave Batman and re-join their boss at their next hideout.

They did the compulsive thing instead.

"Don't you move," Echo threatened Batman. He looked at her with exasperation.

"I'm hanging upside down, what the fuck am I going to do?" He asked.

Query & Echo slowly made their way over to Batman. With him hanging upside down his groin was at their Echo's eye level. Query had to bend her knees slightly. The taller henchwoman tentatively put her gloved hand on Batman's groin and then pulled it away quickly.

"What the..." Query muttered. She looked at Echo wide-eyed. Echo reached her hand up inside Batman's suit bottoms and her eyes soon shot wide as well.

"We have the best boss ever," Echo told her companion. As she said this, she pulled out Batman's dick.

Despite Batman's red face, not all of the blood in his body was pooled in his head. There was still at least a fairly large amount in his dick, engorging it and making it hard for Echo to wrap her hand around. His balls hung down on either side of his cock, almost like a set of ear muffs. Both Query & Echo were fascinated by it.

"I was not expecting this," Query said softly.

"Look at this vein!" Echo exclaimed, pointing at the long vertical vein that ran along the top of Batman's dick. Echo held Batman's cock higher so her partner could see it. Query put her hand to her chest.

"Look at this!" Query said. She ducked lower and put her face up against Batman's dick. It ran from her chin to the top of her hair. The cock rested on her face, covering her left eye. Echo laughed.

"I want to try!" She said. Query moved aside and let Echo take a turn. The henchwoman rested the cock on her face as well, feeling the tip pushing her black bangs out of the way. Echo laughed and, as she pulled her face away, she extended her tongue and licked Batman's dick from shaft to tip in one long stroke. Batman shuddered. As Echo's tongue left Batman's cock his dick fell, slapping against his stomach.

"Ooh, I think he liked that," Echo said. Query followed suit, taking Batman's cock in her hand and giving it a long lick along the top side of his shaft. The thin blonde smiled at her companion.

"I think you're right," She said. Query let go of Batman's dick, letting it fall back to his stomach.

"Let's see if he likes this," Echo said while smiling. She took Batman's cock in her hand and rested the tip in her mouth. The tip of his dick rested against her tongue. She slowly pushed her head forward, taking more of him in her mouth. Below her, she heard Batman gasp.

Echo had to stretch her mouth wide to take his dick, sticking her tongue out and craning her jaw to accept his girth. She pushed as hard as she could, grabbing Batman by the hips to prevent him from swinging away. She managed to fit three-quarters of him in her mouth until she felt him touching her throat. Echo pulled him out of her mouth, coughing slightly. She looked at Query and saw her compatriot staring at her, her eyes wide.