Let's Be Batman

This is a parody based on characters owned by DC Comics. Special thanks to Mild Mannered Author, whose "Two or Three" story on this site inspired me to start writing. First time so please be gentle.

*****

"Alfred, I need my suit."

Bruce Wayne had been at fundraiser, listening to boring people talk about boring things, when he heard word of a break-out at Arkham. He quickly feigned drunkenness and not-so-subtly implied that he'd spent a night in a hot tub with the host's daughter. Once he picked himself up off the pavement, he had radioed Alfred.

"Very well, sir. I will have it dispatched by the Batwing immediately. Honing in on your coordinates."

5 minutes passed, and yet there was nothing.

"Alfred, remind me to check the Batwing when I get back to the cave," said Bruce. "It should have dropped off my suit 2 minutes ago from this distance."

"But sir," replied Alfred, "It did drop off your suit 2 minutes ago."

Bruce grimaced. "Well it didn't drop it off by me. Where did it drop it off then?"

***

For 27 long years, Tommy Naylor had been the world's personal shitter. Once a high school football star with dreams of one day playing for the Arkham Rogues, that had been dashed when his knee was wrecked in a car accident. Ever since his life had been one disappointment after another, capped off by his recent laying off from Ace Chemical. 26 years old, no job, no future, no girlfriend, no hope.

'Who the fuck works in a chemical plant anymore, anyway,' thought Tommy as he walked home from another night at the bar. 'Shit was dangerous. All those open vats. Why if anyone fell in one of those they'd-'

Tommy's thought was cut short by a loud bang right in front of him. He could barely make it out but his eye had caught something big and heavy landing from the sky above.

"...Hello?" Tommy asked the darkness. "Is there someone there?"

Tommy crept forward and inspected what had landed. He hoped to God it wasn't a body.

"What the... hey, is that the Batman logo?"

Tommy gradually realized that he was looking at a large, heavy package that had Batman's logo on it. Before he even realized what he was doing, Tommy quickly hoisted the package onto his back and hurried back to his apartment. 'Man, if this is any good maybe I can sell it for something.'

***

Sitting on his couch, drinking a beer, Tommy stared at the package. Finally gathering up the courage, he walked over and... stared at it some more.

'How the fuck do I open this thing?'

Tommy couldn't see any zippers. He ran his hands along the top and sides before finally finding a small button. Upon pressing it, the package burst to life. Tommy couldn't believe what he saw. Standing before him, in all its glory, was the Batsuit.

"Hooooooly shit," said Tommy aloud. He didn't know what to do. He was hoping for a couple batarangs, maybe one of those grappling hooks Batman used, but the entire suit? He couldn't sell this, not without someone finding out. He didn't think he could keep it, either. What if a supervillain found out about this? He'd be killed.

But at the same time, Tommy was incredibly excited. Batman had first appeared about 10 years before and ever since, Tommy had marveled at the stories that were told. Tommy was relatively in shape but Batman put him and everyone else to shame. Batman had even once saved Tommy's sister by foiling a robbery at her bank. Tommy had grilled his sister for every detail she could provide. Tommy dreamed of being Batman. And now, with this suit, he could be.

After a long while, Tommy figured, "What the Hell," and decided that he was going to try the suit on. What could it hurt? Besides, the suit seemed like it would fit him.

For about an hour, Tommy struggled with the heavy kevlar and thick leather that made up the suit. He had the most trouble putting the cowl on, finally just forcing it down on his head. He heard a sharp crack as he did so but thought nothing of it. Tommy looked in front of the mirror and couldn't help but smile.

"I look awesome!" Tommy suddenly struck a martial arts pose and karate chopped the air.

"Ow!" Tommy yelped, grabbing his shoulder. "Fuck, maybe I should have stretched." He fell onto his couch.

***

"Bruce," said Alfred," I managed to get a faint location of your suit but it appears the tracking device has been broken. I was only able to trace it to a 1/2 mile area in The Narrows."

Bruce grimaced even harder. "Dammit! Okay, we'll have to worry about that later. Killer Croc has gotten out and I can't let him get too far into the sewers. I'm coming back to the cave for my other suit. In the meantime, hopefully no one finds the missing one."

***

"Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu - ahahahahahaha!!"

Tommy was flying through the air. He had gone from, "Let's just put on the suit," to, "Let's go up to the roof and throw some batarangs," to, "What does this thing do," to flying through from building to building with a grappling hook. It was pretty automatic; Tommy basically only had to push a button. The rush was unlike anything he had ever experienced. Before he knew it, he had gone roughly 3 miles and was in the heart of Gotham's financial district. He landed on the roof of Gotham First Bank and caught his breath.

'This is the best shit ever. This couldn't be any more fu-

Suddenly, Tommy felt a sharp crack around his ankles and he was pulled from his feet. He landed with a hard thud. Looking down, he saw a whip around his feet.

"Oops, sorry Bats," a voice purred. "Guess I have a tendency to knock men off their feet."

Tommy gaped. Standing before him, in all her glory, was Catwoman. She was wearing a skintight suit that hugged in all the right places. The suit's zipper was pulled down to Catwoman's chest, giving Tommy just the barest of glimpses at her perfect breasts. Tommy was speechless; he had jacked it to Catwoman for years and now here she was, standing above him.

Catwoman continued. "I have to say, I'm pretty impressed that you were able to find out where I was hitting like this. You startled me, big boy."

Tommy was trying to figure out if he should run, if he should fight, if he should hide his erection, but he couldn't move. He lied there.

Catwoman dropped down to her knees and crawled on top of Tommy. She stopped ever so slightly near his crotch and then continued until she was nose-to-nose with him.

"So is this the part where I try to tempt you into letting me go and you refuse before sending me back to prison? Because I hate prison, Batman. It's so... unglamorous. I know I can't beat you in a fight so why fight? Why don't you just let me wrap my lips around that Batcock of yours and we forget we ever saw each other? I think you'll find tha-

"O-okay."

Catwoman paused. "What do you mean, 'Okay?'"

Tommy found his voice a little bit. "I mean if you suck my cock I'll let you go."

"Wha... Seriously? I didn't think you'd actually say yes. Are you sure?"

"Y-yes?" Tommy was worried that he had gone too far, that Catwoman would know he was not the real Batman. They were 30 stories up and the fall would kill him...

"Eh, what the Hell," Catwoman finally said. "But if you screw me... well if you betray me I'll cut your balls off."

"Uh, sounds fair.." Tommy couldn't stop himself from smiling. Luckily, Catwoman didn't see him because she had already started working her way down to Tommy's groin. She slowly lapped at his armor with her tongue, looking for an opening She finally made his way down to the sweet spot where the body & leg part of the suit separated. Catwoman tucked her hand inside the suit and rooted around until she found what she was looking for.

"Jesus Christ!" Catwoman jolted back and all of her sexy charm seemed to vanish for a moment. She pulled out Tommy's cock. "This is your dick? That's fucking huge!" Tommy had been cursed with a lot of things, but he was not cursed with a small cock.

Catwoman's poise slowly came back to her and she started to smile. "Well, I guess I know why your balance is so good now." She reached her head down and gave the tip of Tommy's cock a small kiss. It was already slightly wet from precum. She kissed all the way up and down his cock and then sucked on each of his balls one at a time. Tommy thought it couldn't get any better.

"Here comes the good part," Catwoman said, before attempting to deepthroat Tommy's entire cock in one movement. She couldn't quite get there, only getting 3/4ths of the way down, before she came up gasping for air. She coughed slightly. Tommy smiled even wider. Catwoman glared at him before throwing herself on his cock once again, this time getting all of his cock in her mouth. She came up smiling with just a little bit of mascara running down her face. "Guess I look like the cat who swallowed the canary," Catwoman said.

"More like the cat who swallowed the cock," Tommy replied.

Catwoman looked at him, frowning.

"Sorry," Tommy sputtered.

Catwoman went back to work on "Batman's cock." She was lying between Tommy's legs, holding herself up with her left arm while she used her right to jerk his cock. With a fluid motion, she was sucking and jerking at the same time. Her tongue was bouncing around the head of Tommy's shaft and she was gobbling about half of his cock with every bob of her head, before her hand would guide her lips back up.

Tommy was seeing stars. He reached down and grabbed the ears of her mask and started pushing his cock deeper into her mouth. Catwoman purred in response. Tommy began bucking his hips harder until he was fucking Catwoman's face, sending his cock deep into her mouth with every thrust. Catowoman was breathing hard, a soft moan escaping her lips as she tried to keep up with Tommy's pace. He could feel his cock starting to get warm and didn't know how much longer he could last.

Finally, right before he could feel the orgasm wash over him, Tommy pulled Catwoman's head off his dick. She came up with a thick string of saliva connected to his dick and a confused look on her face. The mascara was now running down her cheeks. Tufts of short black hair were coming out of the sides of her mask. Tommy had never seen anything hotter.

"I thought you were going to cu... hey!" Catwoman yelped as Tommy rolled them both over so Tommy was on top of her. He reached down and felt for Catwoman's vagina. He could feel that she was wet. 'Sucking my cock got Catwoman wet,' Tommy couldn't help but think. He ripped at Catwoman's suit; the gloves on the suit made it easy to tear open. With a swift motion, he began to stick his cock inside her.

"I guess you always loved pu- OH MY GOD!" Catwoman's words morphed into an exclamation as Tommy's huge cock pushed inside her. He thrusted a quarter of the way, half way, three fourths of the way, before finally thrusting all of his girth inside her. Catwoman's screamed and at first Tommy thought he had gone too far, but quickly the screams turned to moans. He found his rhythm and began fucking Catwoman hard, his balls slapping against her. She loved it.

"oh God, Batman, fuck me harder, treat me like your little slut!" she yelled. Tommy slowly realized that this was a fantasy for Catwoman, too. Her eyes were closed and she had wrapped her legs around his waist, forcing him deeper and deeper inside her. Catwoman wanted to be fucked. Hard.

Tommy was more than willing to oblige.

He wrapped his arms around Catwoman and used her as leverage to fuck as fast as he could. He was pounding her now, driving her deeper and deeper into the roof floor. He had to put one arm around her head to keep it from bouncing off the cold concrete.

Catwoman had undone her zipper even more and was using one hand to caress her breast. Tommy couldn't help but stare; her breasts were slightly smaller than he would have thought but then again, Catwoman had a gymnast's body. But her tits were perfect. Tommy took the breast not being used and stuck it in his mouth.

"Unnnhhh," was all Catwoman could say in response. She was in her own world now, lost to the pleasure that was racking her body. Her free hand shot down between her legs and began furiously working her clit.

"Oh god, Batman, oh god I'm going to... I'm going to..." Catwoman shot up and hugged Tommy tightly as an orgasm shot though her. She screamed, loudly, right in Tommy's ear, almost sending him over the edge as well. But he didn't cum just yet, although it took every ounce of his will power to stop himself from doing so; no, he wanted to make this one count.

Catwoman slumped back to the floor and Tommy slowed his rhythm. Catwoman brought him close and rolled him over so that she was on top, without ever removing his cock form her pussy. "Let's slow this down a little bit, shall we? I want to mak-"

Tommy quickly rolled them back over so he was on top once again. Catwoman barely had time to register what had happened before he started fucking her again, hard, and Catwoman started moaning. He had himself up on his hands now so that he could watch Catwoman's face as he fucked her, watched her breasts bounce with every thrust, feel the walls of her pussy envelop his cock...

"Oh fuck," was all Tommy said as he felt himself ready to cum. He pulled his cock out of Catwoman's pussy and started to shoot his cum all over her. Tommy's once full balls were emptied as he shot load after load onto Catwoman. It covered her tits, her neck, and the final massive loads shot all the way from her chin to her hair. She had 3 ropes covering her face and she disgustedly tried to wipe them away. The cum mixed with her mascara.

"Jesus, you could have warned me you were going to do that," Catwoman said. She couldn't put up too much of a fuss, though; her body was spent from the fucking Tommy had given her. Her suit was ripped and open, her mask and goggles had come off, 3 of her claws were embedded in the armor of the Batman suit. The always graceful and elegant Catwoman was out of sorts.

"Sorry," Tommy said sheepishly. He had forgotten who he was for a moment and now suddenly realized that he was a regular guy dressed up like a bat with the world's most dangerous thief covered in his cum right next to him. He wasn't sure what to do next.

Luckily, the police made his decision for him. 4 cops, apparently alerted by either the alarms or the noise, bursted onto the roof. Their guns were drawn.

"Alright, nobody move... what the Hell?" The scene before them was baffling for even the most seasoned among them. Catwoman glared at Batman and hissed, "You bastard, you said you'd let me go!"

Tommy shrugged and said, "Welp, gotta go!" before utilizing his grappling hook and jetting off into the night.

***

"Sir, it appears that we have located your suit," Alfred broke in over the comm.

"That's great," Bruce replied. He had managed to track down Killer Croc and, after a brutal fight in the sewers, had gotten him back to Arkham. He was exhausted. "Send me the coordinates and I'll go pick it up."

There was an uncharacteristic silence before Alfred responded. "It's not quite that simple, Master Bruce. It appears that someone was wearing it. We just received word that "Batman" captured Catwoman 30 minutes ago atop the First Gotham Bank."

Bruce was startled. For 10 long years, he had been the only person preventing this city from collapsing. He had been bruised and broken, with only Alfred as his ally. Suddenly, there seemed to be someone else in the city who could capture Catwoman, the most elusive criminal he had ever encountered. Someone who everyone would think was Batman. An idea slowly formed in Bruce's mind.

Alfred chimed in again, "Master Bruce? Shall I begin tracking this imposter?"

"Hold on that, Alfred. I have an idea. What would you think about going on a little vacation?"