Im Ardashian's Comebac

I didn't ask to be sucked down the rabbit hole of "Kimye." Hell, it was the nanny agency's idea. I don't even know how they picked my agency, to be honest.

Yet for some reason, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian called my agency to find a male nanny for their new baby – North West, as all bloggers and comedians know – and I won the lottery.

For the next two-and-a-half months, I was driven privately to Kris Jenner's mansion, where the new family was staying. Although Kanye wasn't letting the Kardashian reality show cameras in to film the family, I still had to sign my share of non-disclosure forms.

I worked in shifts with a female nanny, while trying not to listen too much to the parents – both for the sake of my job and my sanity. While half the world would love – or hate to love – listening to them every day, the other half would likely blow their brains out. Between Kanye's musical genius and love of being treated like a genius, along with Kim's incredible body and....the personality it's attached to, it was a maddening rabbit hole to get sucked down.

The body part wasn't even that present, since Kim was working off her baby weight and was determined not to show herself off until then – or until they made the right deal with a magazine. The irony of not wanting to be seen would be....palpable under any other circumstance for them.

When I could block it out, I tried to give North a few moments of regular care a day – while she could still get them. This was the usual routine, so when I was driven to the back of the mansion for my afternoon shift on this day, nothing was out of the ordinary.

The Jenners and the Kardashian sisters didn't pop up, which was somewhat rare but likely too good to be true. I didn't even see Kanye, which made me raise an eyebrow. When Kim showed up with baby North – along with damp hair and a pink robe – I struggled not to literally raise my eyebrows or anything else.

Kim explained that Kanye was meeting with his producers all day, and the rest of the family was off on a shoot. My immediate reaction – at least my immediate public reaction – was to wonder if I was still needed today, but Kim insisted I was. She said she needed an hour to "get things done" and then she'd come down to help.

I and many others could have had some snarky comments, but my profession wasn't in comedy. My real profession dictated I smile and nod, then stick to my regular routine with North while Kim was upstairs doing God knows what. With no one else around to distract me and further test the meaning of 'guilty pleasure.'

Which meant I could clearly hear Kim cursing upstairs while trying to put her daughter to sleep. As odd as it was, she didn't come downstairs to give any more clues. So I went upstairs to put North in her crib, then went to Kim's door after I double checked her baby's room for safety.

"North's asleep now," I informed after knocking on Kim's door. "Do you need me for the rest of the day?"

I waited for an answer, then I heard a quiet, "Come in and we'll work it out." Confused for a number of reasons, I carefully opened the door and went into Kim and Kanye's predictably garish guest room – complete with the giant mirror next to the bed. A bed that Kim was on while still wearing her robe.

"Okay. How do we work this out?" I asked. Of all the possible answers, I didn't consider the one where Kim got up and untied her robe. When it came off, I saw Kim was wearing a barely effective white bra and panties, which was both a relief and....not a relief.

"I know the baby weight's not gone yet. The fucking exercise programs ripped me off. Is it that obvious? I need to ask you before I ask Kanye and get into a fight. So?" Kim requested.

"I....I think you would be a better judge than I would," I said the first thing to pop into my head. Even if it probably wasn't her preferred answer.

Kim would technically be better at it, given her notorious vanity. Then again, given how much of her body I'd seen on the Internet, I could have offered some observations. Of course, since this was the first time I'd seen....so much of it up close, it would skewer my perspective.

Still, it did seem her breasts were even fuller than in her pictures and tapes – although that might not have to do with the pregnancy. Her notorious curves and thighs did seem to have more weight, but they'd already been so....well defined that it wasn't so obvious. Of course to someone like Kim, any flaw and unwelcome change would stand out even more, if not too much.

As for the ass? Unfortunately, she didn't turn around to help me out there.

Still, Kim seemed like how she always was. If no one knew who she was or what she symbolized, she could just be recognized as one of the most gorgeous women alive. Especially up close, recent pregnancy and all. It was when she spoke and reminded you of the other stuff that she became a very guilty pleasure – although it was harder to feel guilty now.

Then she spoke. "That's the problem!" she started, reminding me of the actual conversation, whatever it was. "I hated it so much, I didn't let Kanye touch me the first six weeks. It must have pissed him off, cause now he won't touch me when I am ready. Now I don't know what to believe. Why do you think I didn't leave the house or let E! see me?"

I didn't have many answers she would like, so I kept quiet. She continued with, "I miss my old body. I miss Kanye fucking it. I miss being touched down there too." I willed myself to block that part out.

"I still see a lot of your old body. And the new stuff shouldn't be enough to make him stop fucking you. Not at all," I said, feeling better that I was reassuring her. At least until I realized what I actually said.

Before I could apologize, Kim answered, "You sure? I know I can't be objective. Are you just saying that because you think I'll cut your shifts?"

"I didn't know that was on the table. But I still said that nice stuff before I did," I cleverly worked around that, or so I hoped. Kim didn't have a follow up, so she just took her robe and walked away to hang it up – allowing me to finally analyze her ass.

Like the rest of her, her ass was already thick enough that extra weight wouldn't make a huge difference – to coin a phrase. Yet Kim judged her appearance differently than most of us would. Nevertheless, her ass still made me groan louder than I should have.

Kim still stayed blank faced, although she had made a career out of that already. She just sat on the side of the bed, while I stayed on my feet nearby.

"I wanted to look good enough so I could surprise Kanye when he got home," Kim stated. "But I don't know. I'm too nervous to have him....do that stuff by now. What if it's too different for him? What if he doesn't wanna do....certain parts now? If he looks at me different, you know they will too!" she reasoned, pointing to the outside world.

Even E! might not put this on TV if they were here – but it probably would have made her far more relatable to the rest of the world. I shook that observation aside and said, "It's normal to think that way. Lots of women like you feel that way at first."

"But that doesn't help me now," Kim scoffed, then asked, "Wait, do you know how they got over it?"

"Not personally," I answered. "My shifts usually ended before I saw the clients work it out," I added.

"Shit. Well, I need something to get me ready," Kim admitted. "Is it just because I don't wanna disappoint Kanye?"

"Maybe," I offered. "Hell, if you could fuck someone else off the bat for practice, it might get the jitters out."

You can nitpick this all you want, but I really wasn't offering to volunteer. I just came up with the first funny thought in my head. But while I was laughing to myself until I came to my senses, Kim was actually thinking. "That's not the worst idea...." I heard her mutter.

"What?" I snapped back into reality.

"I'm just nervous to fuck my husband again. If I warm up on someone who matters less, I can get everything out of my system for Kanye," Kim declared. "It's not like I forgot how to do this stuff! I just gotta feel sexy enough to do it. It'll be easier if it doesn't mean anything else!"

Although I hadn't thought ahead before I spoke earlier, I was thinking ahead enough now to see where this was going. Before Kim even looked at me, I went through the whole spectrum of nerves, paranoia and full blown arousal. "He might see it different if he comes home soon," I let my paranoia win for now. "And the baby..."

"Kanye's too good at his job to get away right now. And you're too good at yours to leave my sleeping baby in trouble in her room. Right?" Kim made sure.

"Obviously. I know too well how to do that now," I assured her, hoping it discouraged her from using the blackmail option.

"I know too, baby," she answered. So she was going for flattery now.

As her offer and everything it meant truly sunk in, I was still too uneasy to really look at her. But then again, if Kim still needed to feel sexy, it's not like she would have minded me checking her out.

In fact, she was probably counting on it. In this scenario, she was smarter than most gave her credit for. So I gave her that small win by letting my eyes trail down her body again.

It was half genuine insecurity and half overdeveloped vanity that made Kim so worried about her body, even when she had little reason to. At least as far as I could see. If she really needed to see it another way, and if she was afraid to try with Kanye first....well, it might help the work environment more in the long term. Even if it made Kim bring the media and E! around here sooner.

I almost asked Kim what she wanted me to do, since I doubted everything was on the table here. But there was probably one thing she did need. "Lie down," I asked, which qualified as my yes.

Kim got on her back as I stood in front of her and put my hands on the side of her panties. I pulled them down to expose her pussy – which had a baby come out of it over two months ago, and apparently hadn't been played with since. Not by Kanye, anyway. For the sake of my guts, I put him out of my mind so I could help Kim with her nerves.

There was some unease in eating her out after what she just went through, yet that was her whole problem right there. Once I put that out of my mind, it wouldn't be a problem at all for either of us.

To get the ball rolling, I bent down and put my head between Kim's legs. But instead of diving in between them, I trailed my tongue over her upper left thigh instead, followed by her right.

"What the..." Kim questioned. Yet when I put my tongue right inside her, she finished with a more aroused "fuck...." than she first intended.

My tongue rapidly licked her up and down, getting the initial milestone out of the way. My hands also grasped her thighs, then slid up to fill them with her hips. I figured not going directly for the ass would impress her, even if there was no guarantee I'd see it later. In the meantime, my lips and teeth started to give my tongue some support.

"Oh, fuck, baby," Kim moaned, trying not to be too loud. It might not have helped when I lifted my head up to let her see me lick her pussy lips. But the way her face flushed and bent back made it worth it.

I thrust my tongue in and out of her as my hands went over her hips, waist and stomach. I stopped underneath her still bra-encased breasts, not knowing if they'd be extra sensitive from her nursing. Since Kim then took my hands and put them on top of her glorious breasts, she didn't seem to mind either way.

I sucked on her pussy like I would suck on her breasts, while squeezing the top of her tits to match. I even bobbed my head up and down and rubbed my face deeper into her, as Kim grabbed the back of my head. "Fuck, baby, make me cum....god, I missed this," Kim groaned out.

I hoped that dipping my tongue down and licking below her pussy helped her nostalgia. Her deep breaths seemed to say so, and they got heavier when I shoved my tongue back into her. As my lips went in deeper, Kim arched her chest and reminded me to keep rubbing her tits, but I shoved my fingers in her cleavage instead.

My fingers fucked her ample breasts, mimicking what my cock would like to do if given the chance. Then again, it might only get to fuck one juicy hole today. Assuming I didn't make her cum too soon to need it, and assuming it could stay ready either way. Since it was still trapped in my pants and had precious little room left, it might be a close call.

My right hand left Kim's chest to pull my pants zipper down, giving my cock some much needed freedom. Kim couldn't see it, but she still called out, "Get that up there and fuck me. I need a real cock..."

I breathed a sigh of relief into her, then added a few more deep licks. I might have blown on her to excite her more, but I didn't want her to get dry -- and I didn't know if lubing myself up with her juices would bring me too close. So I bought extra time by standing up and letting Kim see my cock before it went in. Yet the hungry look in her eyes did more harm to my self control.

To be safe, I looked up when I finally put my head onto her. I heard us both breathe deeply as my tip pushed ever so slowly into her opening. Deciding to rip the band aid, I took a deep breath and pushed halfway in.

Many would figure she wasn't super tight, for a couple of reasons, yet she still clenched me hard enough to nearly make me go right there. I kept breathing heavy and looking at the ceiling, ignoring Kim's "fuck's" and groans.

Finally, I felt ready enough to thrust slowly and look at her, as she had her eyes closed and her hands on her breasts. After a few more slow thrusts, I pushed myself in deeper and made her open her eyes.

"You miss that, too?" I asked. "You feel hot enough now?"

"Just make me cum on your cock already," Kim said, her nerves clearly gone. To celebrate, I thrusted harder before pushing in all the way.

Kim wrapped her legs around me as I stayed on my feet and stood over her. I put my hands back on her chest and alternated between soft and hard gropes with every thrust. She laid her head down and relaxed while her hips lightly pushed back against mine. But I did most of the work, not minding too much since the work was good and this was supposed to relax her.

If she just needed to fuck once and be done with it, this was all I was gonna get. So instead of taking my time much longer, I squeezed her tits once more and gave her a hard series of thrusts. Kim cried out as I slid my hands back to her hips, grasping the curvy flesh while fucking her faster between it.

"Baby....baby, that's so good. Oh, keep fucking me hard..." Kim asked and I obeyed. She finally pulled her bra cups down to expose the front of her jiggling tits, but I kept my hands on her hips. Yet I did squeeze them like I would with her breasts, then went underneath to get at least one handful of her ass.

"Mmmm.....oh, come on, baby, almost there. I need to cum again...." Kim demanded. "I've got so much cum to get out....all over you if you want it...."

"Fuck, what do you think?" I questioned rhetorically. Before she tried to answer, I slammed all the way inside her and humped furiously from there. Now Kim started to move around more and wiggle her body, which only fueled my efforts.

To give my cock a breather, I pulled out and immediately slid two fingers into Kim. Once her disappointed moans turned into satisfied ones, I started moving my fingers around furiously, bringing her closer to the edge while I took myself off it.

"Yes, yes, fuck I'm cumming!" Kim gave me my cue. As soon as she said that, I removed my fingers and put my cock right back in, resuming my rapid fire pace. Now it wasn't enough to get me off quite yet, but it did the trick for Kim. She grit her teeth and let herself go while I barely slowed down to enjoy the sensation.

My slow pace continued until her orgasm subsided, then I picked it back up while she recovered. But before I could speed up, Kim called, "Don't cum in me. Pull out and cum all over me."

With those instructions, she finally found it wise to get up and remove her bra. Once she tossed it aside and completely bared her breasts, I pumped her hard in order to make them completely jiggle. Kim soon laid back down as I nearly lost myself, barely remembering not to grip her too hard and to pull out soon.

When I felt myself just about ready, I savored my last three pumps and pulled out, jacking myself off quickly before I regretted it. I studied Kim's fully nude form and heard her moaning in anticipation, and the combination soon pushed me over.

I aimed the first few spurts on her stomach, went up to coat her chest and then got her lips at the tail end. I kept my mind from imploding by making sure none of my strands went on the bed -- just in case Kanye or the others took a closer look at the sheets later. Otherwise, coating Kim Kardashian in cum – and being the first one to do it in months – took up most of my mind.

As I started coming down, Kim licked her lips clean and rubbed her chest dry, licking up what was left over on her hands. I didn't see how she cleaned her stomach off, but she looked relatively clean as I sat down on the bed.

"Is that it?" I double checked. "Can you handle all that later?"

"I think I can," Kim failed to surprise me. Figuring my job was done, I gave myself a few moments before planning to take my leave. Yet just as I got up, I heard her continue, "But that's only one part of it. I haven't done....my part in a while too."

"Your part?" I couldn't figure at first. When I did, I questioned, "I thought you were just hung up on....the two things I just did."

"Yeah, but I haven't done the other stuff I like in ages too. I haven't been in the mood," Kim explained. "If I'm rusty in that stuff and not rusty in the other stuff, it'll look suspicious, right? Best not to take chances."

Maybe she actually was smarter than most gave her credit for. "So what's the other stuff, exactly?" I played along. "You know I might not look....excited about it for a while now."

"That's what this stuff is for," Kim warned without explaining further. But perhaps the answer lay in how she got on her feet and walked right over to me. Before I could move off the edge of the bed, Kim dropped to her knees and I stayed right in place.

I and most on the Internet knew Kim could take cocks a lot bigger than mine. So it wasn't a shock that she got my still soft cock down her throat on the first swallow, but it still shook me up. Yet since it would take a while longer to get hard, Kim went down to fire up my balls instead.

She lifted my cock up and licked the bottom of my sack, jiggling one testicle at a time with her tongue. She took one in her mouth and soon added another, and I could see my cock starting to respond. However, I couldn't account for my sight when Kim's tongue went below my sack and was pretty close to my taint. It stayed in place there until she licked up between my balls and up to the underside of my head.

As I stiffened up, Kim took my cock in one hand and my balls in another, working them both as her mouth worked over my head. Her enjoyment was reflected in her big brown eyes, especially as her pouty lips rubbed all over my tip. My erection got more prominent as Kim's tongue went up and down my shaft, then she suckled the side of my head.

Soon her mouth went halfway down my shaft, with her left hand holding the bottom half and her right sliding between my balls. Once I was fully erect again, Kim took her hand off and let her mouth go down all the way, stopping both our breaths at the same time. She popped off with a satisfied moan and a sultry twinkle in her eyes.

"Whoh....you didn't even do that for...." I barely stopped myself from mentioning her pre-Kanye collaborator.