I'm in the downstairs section of my office behind the front desk, the next day when I overhear a conversation between the young feisty Alice and a male customer, middle-aged by the sound of him, and clearly not hip, savvy or sexually free at all; in the shop portion of the storefront.
"I'm looking for a dirty movie for my daughter, for her 18th birthday. The triple-ecks porn version of Schindler's List?"
The way this customer, spiked and pronounced the letter x... he didn't stand a chance.
"Have you got it?" He asked.
"Oh yeah," says Alice. "Course we've got it."
Now, I know for a fact our parody section is vey small. It has to be that way as there's just not a strong enough market for it on DVD sales. When people want to see superwoman getting fucked by Batman, they look it up online. The porn parody movies will be some of the first to fall to the influence of PornHub. I also know that I need porn parody movies to prove themselves through positive reviews before I'll buy them to stock them on my shelves. I mean, I still have a copy of Fatal Pursuit in the shelves I got the week I opened the store. It's got a 20c sticker on it and I can't manage to get rid of it. The reviews to the Schindler's List parody, Schindler's Lust, sucked major donkey dick. What's she playing at?
I go through my door to the store to see what's going on. Alice is still there, smiling st him; the guy looks a bit flustered.
"Could I have it then?" He half smiles with relief, as if he were a little boy who remembered to say 'please' at the very last moment.
"No, I'm sorry, but you can't."
The customer, slightly older than I first thought, is wearing a brown checked jacket with mahogany pants and light brown Oxford shoes with a floral brogue, she stands rooted to the spot. I didn't want to come into this place of perversion in the first place, you can hear him thinking, and now I'm being messed about?
"Why not?"
"Sorry?" Alice appears to have lost her focus to something on her computer screen.
"Why not?"
"Because it's a fucked up movie showing women tortured and sawed in half by Nazis and ape people, and an American soldier defeated by the SS! Do we look like the kind of store that sells that fucking glorifying the Nazis and torturing and murdering women sort of shit?! Fuck off, don't waste our time."
The old guy turns and walks out, and Alice giggles to herself.
"Alice, what have I told you about turning customers away? Always offer them something else." I walk down to stand alongside her. "Even if they've already bought something; digital, physical or personal, always upsell!"
"We didn't have what he wanted, I was just having some fun, and upsell? The man has clearly never paid for pussy or porn before in his life. I don't think I really cost you anything."
"That's not the point."
"Oh, so what is the point then?"
"The point is you upsell using every way you can. Make him think of you on his way out the door and all his drive home. Make him want to return to buy something else."
"You think a stupid old digger like that is going to be a twice a week regular?!"
"No, but... listen Alice, the shop isn't doing so well. I know we take the piss out of these old frigid losers, but it's got to stop the moment we leave the commonroom."
"Master... if we had the movie, I'd have sold it to him and you'd have been twenty cents better off. And you'd have never seen him again. Big deal. If he'd been hiding an erection I'd have gotten him to stick it in me and we'd both be a few bucks better off, and I'd happily be his weekly oral, anal or pussy; but as it was, that customer wasn't going to get us anything!"
I had to admit, she's got a point, but there's still a principle involved here.
"What harm has he ever done you?"
"You know what harm he's done me and girls like me, Master. He's offended me with his terrible taste, fantasies and fetishes."
"It wasn't even for his terrible taste. It was his daughter's."
"You're going soft Master. From what my sisters have told me of you, you'd be the guy chasing him out of the store and up the road!"
Again, she has a point, I just can't muster that kind of anger anymore.
Suddenly Alice's sexy maid dress is around her ankles revealing she's got nothing at all on underneath. She rests her whole body against me seductively. "Want me to help make you less soft, Master."
I looked down at Alice's small perfect body and beautiful smiling face and suddenly realised that I did. Now that's how you upsell.
That's how it came to be that I did a shift behind the cash register in the store, while Alice was on her knees sucking me off. Briefly, she bent over and I stuck it up her ass (with her height being an issue the additional in if height her ass had in this position when compared to her pussy was of great assistance), but soon enough she had me back in her mouth and sucking away with a smile and enthusiasm like she's been given the tastiest lollipop in the world, and everyone she knew had to watch her in envy as she slurped it down.
I brace my hands slightly on the counter as I feel myself inching closer to cumming. Suddenly her mouth is no longer on me and I look down to see her smiling up at me while she jacks me off.
"Would sir prefer to cum on my face, mouth or tits?"
"Mouth."
"Can I upgrade you from a spit to a swallow?"
"Definitely!"
Her mouth is back around my cock and it's doing even more for me than before, and she's maintaining eye contact with me the whole time. I watch as she sucks away at my member, and it isn't long till I'm having to physically hold myself back from taking her by surprise and ejaculating into her lungs.
I rap my knuckles on the table and Alice arches her neck slightly backwards and takes over wanking me with one of her hands. She then opens her mouth wide and places the top of my prick on top of her tongue, just below the tip, awaiting her reward.
I release my muscles and relish the familiar rush of oxytocin as I reach orgasm, and the exhilarating muscle spasm that results in Alice's tongue getting covered with my 'magic juice.' Her hand continues the jerking action on my shaft, and it's as if she's pumping my cock to produce each burst of semen she's happily receiving. When I have no more to give and back away slightly, she gives an open-mouthed big grin to me before moving her head around as if to show me my cum being all in her mouth from every angle. Now she tosses her head backwards and begins to gargle, before swallowing it all down and showing me her clean and empty tongue.
Tuesday night I reorganise my porn movies collection; I often do this at periods of emotional stress. There are some people who would find this a pretty dull way to spend an evening, but I'm not one of them. This is my life, and it's nice to be able to wade in, immerse your arms in it, touch it.
When Lust was here I had my porn movies arranged alphabetically; before that I had them filed in chronological order, beginning with Striporama, and ending with Pussy Passenger or Oil Explosion or whatever else I was masturbating to when Lust and I met. Tonight, though, I fancy something different, so I try to remember the order I bought them in: that way I hope to write my own autobiography, without having to do anything like pick up a pen. I pull the DVD and video cases off the shelves, put them in piles all over the sitting-room floor, look for Pirates and go on from there; and when I've finished I'm flushed with a sense of self, because this is, after all, who I am. I like being able to see how I got from True Love Stories 2 to Wet Dream Lesbian Threesomes in twenty-five moves; I am no longer pained by the memory of watching Outnumbered 5 all the way through a period of enforced celibacy, or embarrassed by the reminder of forming a blokes club at school, so that I and my fellow ninth graders could get together and masturbate watching Jenna Jameson in Virtual Sex With Jenna.
But what I really like is the feeling of security I get from my new filing system; I have made myself more complicated than I really am. I have a couple of thousand DVDs, and you have to be me - or at the very least a doctor of Flemingology - to know how to find any of them. If I want to watch, say, Girls' Dormitory featuring Blue Angel, I have to remember that I bought it for someone in the autumn of 2014, and thought better of giving it to her, for reasons I don't really want to go into. Well, you don't know any of that, so you're knackered, really, aren't you? You'd have to ask me to dig it out for you, and for some reason I find this enormously comforting.
A weird thing happens on Wednesday. One of my former girls, Jodie, comes in and I can tell right away she's slightly drunk, and tries to grab a handful of condoms.
"Are you okay Jodie?" I ask her as I level her on her feet and look in her eyes for pupil dilation.
"Are you married?" She asks me.
"I'm not, Jodie, no. You?"
She laughs to herself out-loud and drops the front of her singlet to reveal her big tits.
"You think I'd be in this fucking state or back in this fucking store if I had a husband?"
I stop and start giving Jodie a back massage like I know she used to like, but she spins quickly leaving my hands outstretched and groping her tits.
Alice was out in the lobby pretending to be dusting the floor she's crawling on, and I can tell she's paying very close attention to my conversation with Jodid after our interactions yesterday.
"I guess you wouldn't know Rob, would you?" Jodie continues. "You've always got a girl of some sort at home helping you warm the bed at night, don't you Rob? And now look at you! Bad haircut. Zits. Terrible jacket. Smelly socks. The only difference between you and me is that this place is still fucking you Rob, and I don't have to pay rent on it either!"
I used to get this sort of shit from Jodie all the time, especially after a slow week and she'd been drinking. Today, though, I can't take it, and I give her a look that is supposed to shut her up, but which she interprets as an invitation to abuse me further.
"Rob, I'm doing this for your own good. That's the worst fucking cologne I've ever smelt. I've never had someone I'm on speaking terms with voluntarily put on a smell that bad! It's a disgrace to the human race! It smells worse than what Karla and Latifa were eating in 2 girls 1 cup! Ass-lickers and sniffers would have it arrested for hate crime! Ass-hatters would take one sniff of that and..."
I get Jodie out the door and close it in her face, leaving her out on the street with her tits out for not the first time I'm guessing. The moment I turn back inside, Alice has rushed right up close to me. I look at her and she takes a big long sniff.
