Fight Club: I Am Jac's Blue Balls

DISCLAIMER

Why are you reading this? You know these all say the same thing. You could be reading porn right now. But instead you're reading this. It's amateur erotic fiction; do you really think there's any legal issues? Are you old enough? Is this legal in your area? Does anyone check what porn is and is not permitted in his or her area? Why would you even be here if you didn't know that Palahniuk and Uhls own these characters? You could post this thing on a million websites and no one would care. Write your own porn. If you had no imagination you'd be watching instead of reading, so you obviously could. Write a porno movie. Get a camera and cum on someone's face. Stop looking for what you want and create it yourself. If you don't make yourself cum no one else will.......Tyler

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Fight Club: I am Jack's blue balls

A Screenplay

CAST:

NARRATOR-Edward Norton

TYLER DURDEN-Brad Pitt

MARLA SINGER-Helena Bonham Carter

ANGEL FACE-Jared Leto

DVD: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/JacksDVD/

View the DVD website for bonus features including author's commentary, scene selections, and publicity material.

SCREEN BLACK

JACK (V.O.)

People are always asking me if I fuck Marla singer.

FADE IN:

CLOSE SHOT: JACK'S FACE.

JACK'S face is on a carpeted floor.

MARLA

Why won't you fight back?

INT. MARLA'S ROOM. NIGHT.

JACK'S face scrunches up in pain. JACK and MARLA are both naked. JACK is lying face down on the floor. MARLA is standing.

JACK (V.O.)

No one really asks that, I'm just nostalgic. Tyler's space monkeys and Marla are the only people I've talked to since I killed Tyler.

MARLA kicks JACK in the balls. ANGEL FACE is standing against the wall, also naked. JACK rolls over on his back.

JACK

I don't know.

JACK (V.O.)

Don't even both saying "this isn't fair" or "you can't do this." The sooner you realize there is no fair, and they are doing this, the sooner you can change your situation.

MARLA kicks JACK in the face.

JACK (V.O.)

The space monkeys visit Marla's place often, cause they still think I'm Tyler, and I live at the Regent Hotel with Marla now.

JACK tries to stand up but MARLA kicks him in the balls and he falls down again.

JACK (V.O.)

I can't get a place under my name and I can't go back to Paper Street.

Marla steps on JACK'S hand and kicks him in the head.

JACK (V.O.)

I don't watch the news but I'm probably on the FBI's most wanted list. I ask Marla and the visiting space monkey's not to tell me anything about my status on the outside.

MARLA sits on JACK and punches him in the face.

JACK (V.O.)

Whatever the world thinks or knows about me, the space monkeys seem awfully proud of me, Marla seems worried.

Marla stands up and exhales exhaustedly. She kicks JACK in the balls once more. Then she starts walking back towards ANGEL FACE.

JACK (V.O.)

The space monkeys always want to tell me about the great accomplishments of Project Mayhem, I just tell them I'm retired.

TYLER stands over JACK. TYLER'S face appears upside down from JACK'S viewpoint.

JACK (V.O.)

I can't fuck Marla for you anymore. You have to do it yourself.

JACK stares straight ahead.

JACK (V.O.)

As you can see, all of this has something to do with an imaginary man named Tyler Durden.

INT. MARLA'S ROOM. AFTERNOON.

JACK is lying on MARLA'S bed, naked, masturbating.

JACK (V.O.)

I masturbated in vain every day. Wait, I can't start here, you'll be lost. Once again I back up.

INT. MARLA'S ROOM. DAY.

MARLA is lying on her back on her bed. JACK is on top of her. They're both naked. MARLA is smoking and staring up at JACK with a bored look on her face. MARLA rolls her eyes as JACK thrusts a few times and rolls off of her. JACK hits the mattress and slides off the bed. JACK, the sheets, and MARLA slide off the bed and onto the floor revealing the slippery plastic cover still on the mattress. MARLA stands up, she's upset.

MARLA

Is that the best you can do?

JACK

Yes, I'm sorry I'm not as good as Tyler.

JACK stands up. He throws a used condom in a trashcan.

MARLA

Shut up. You know, ever since you told me your name wasn't Tyler Durden you've really been a whiney little pussy.

MARLA searches the sheets for her cigarette.

JACK

Hey, I'm not the one complaining about the sex.

MARLA finds it and continues smoking.

MARLA

Well you have nothing to complain about, I'm great.

JACK

Men never complain, they're just happy to get laid.

MARLA

They complain when you don't swallow.

JACK twists his face into a sarcastic smirk. MARLA smiles and picks up the sheets.

MARLA

You never had any problem satisfying me when you were Tyler. Sometimes I couldn't keep up with you.

MARLA throws the sheets onto the bed.

JACK

I told you, I can't remember what Tyler did. I killed Tyler.

MARLA

I still don't understand that. You have to remember something.

CLOSE SHOT: JACK'S FACE.

INT. TYLER'S ROOM. NIGHT. (FLASHBACK)

JACK is on top of MARLA fucking her. MARLA is screaming in passion underneath him. JACK looks up from MARLA with a confused look on his face.

INT. MARLA'S ROOM. DAY.

JACK

It's like trying to remember an old dream.

MARLA

Well I didn't really believe that you and Tyler were separate till you fucked me, if you can call it that.

JACK sits down on the bed and slides off again.

MARLA

At least that plastic ensures something unexpected might happen.

MARLA turns around and looks at herself in a mirror.

JACK

Hey, I can't be that different. I'm still the same size as Tyler.

MARLA slyly looks over her shoulder at JACK.

MARLA

Don't be so sure.

JACK stands up.

JACK

Ok, I get it. You're not exactly helping the situation.

MARLA

There's nothing I can do. You couldn't satisfy Chloe.

JACK (V.O.)

I am Jack's sexual inadequacy.

MARLA flicks her cigarette at JACK. It hits his crotch and he jumps back, brushing it away.

JACK

You could at least refrain from smoking while we're having sex.

MARLA

Tyler never used to mind.

JACK

Tyler quit smoking.

JACK (V.O.)

Knowing Tyler, he did it to spite Corporate America.

MARLA

I should just go back to prostitution, purely out of boredom.

JACK picks up a box of condoms.

JACK

That's it, we're going to try again, right now.

MARLA turns around. She takes the box from JACK and throws it across the room.

JACK

What are you doing?

MARLA pushes JACK onto the bed and kneels on the floor. She leans forward and takes JACK'S cock in her mouth. MARLA reaches up and pushes JACK down onto the bed. She grabs his balls while she moves her mouth up and down. She reaches underneath him with her other hand and scratches his ass. She sucks his cock till he's hard. She lifts her head up and stares into his eyes. She exhales hot breath on his cock as she slides herself away from him. She stands up.

MARLA

You ready now?

JACK

More than…

MARLA walks away from JACK. JACK sits up.

MARLA

Well then you can either get Tyler back or fuck yourself.

JACK (V.O.)

I am Jack's unrequited desire.

MARLA walks to a dresser and picks up her flesh-colored plastic dildo.

MARLA

That's what I'll be doing.

MARLA sits on the bed to the right of JACK.

MARLA

This wasn't a threat to Tyler, it is to you.

MARLA starts licking the head of the dildo. She bites it and pulls on the dildo like she's trying to rip it in half with her teeth. She stops for a moment and looks at JACK. She pushes him down on the bed with her left hand. With her right hand she shoves the dildo in his mouth. JACK pushes her hand away. MARLA spreads her legs and starts rubbing the dildo on her pussy.

MARLA

At least you're good for some lube.

JACK sits up and wipes his mouth.

JACK

At least I know where it's been.

MARLA pushes the dildo into her pussy. She holds the dildo inside with her left hand and traces the rim of her pussy with the fingers of her right hand.

MARLA

No you don't. I bought it at a thrift store.

JACK looks surprised. MARLA keeps her left hand on the dildo and closes her legs on it. She brings her right hand up to her breasts and pinches her nipples.

JACK

How does a dildo end up in a thrift store?

MARLA continues masturbating. She licks her fingers an rubs her nipples with them.

MARLA

It was at the bottom of a box. I didn't know it was in there till I bought it. I figure it's been passed around a lot if it ended up in a place like that.

JACK (V.O.)

I could picture some girl buying it at a porno store. She was shopping with her boyfriend and they were looking for something kinky.

MARLA grabs JACK'S hand and puts it on her breast as she masturbates. JACK stares into space, lost in thought. MARLA uses her hand to make JACK'S hand squeeze her breasts.

JACK (V.O.)

After they break up she forgets about it for awhile. Then one day she gives it to her younger sister cause she assumes they both started masturbating at the same age.

MARLA lets go of JACK'S hand and uses two hands on the dildo. His hand lingers on her breast for a while. When MARLA leans back his hand falls onto the bed.

JACK (V.O.)

One day she shows the dildo to her best friend. She steals it because she doesn't have an older sister to shower her with gifts of sex toys.

MARLA starts screaming passionately and moving the dildo very fast. She slows down gradually.

JACK (V.O.)

She starts worrying her parents are going to find it so she hides it in a box that's being given to a thrift store.

MARLA takes the dildo out and hands it to JACK. JACK tosses it on the bed. MARLA begins putting on a burgundy dress.

MARLA

You'd better learn to satisfy me or you won't be getting any sex at all.

JACK (V.O.)

It was impossible for me to leave the apartment. Marla brought me food and did everything else. I literally depended on her for survival and more. She was like a mother to me.

MARLA puts on shoes and opens the door.

MARLA

Till then you'll just have to satisfy yourself. You can use my dildo if you want.

JACK (V.O.)

But living with your mother is like staying in an abusive relationship.

MARLA leaves and closes the door.

INT. MARLA'S ROOM. AFTERNOON.

JACK is lying on MARLA'S bed, naked, masturbating.

JACK (V.O.)

After a few days I realized Marla was serious about not fucking me. But I couldn't improve if I couldn't practice.

MARLA walks in with four lunches stolen from Meals on Wheels.

JACK (V.O.)

The only privacy I had was when Marla was out stealing jeans and meals.

JACK stops masturbating and sits up.

JACK (V.O.)

I don't know why I felt I needed privacy. Whenever Marla walked in on me jerking off she just ignored me.

MARLA sits in a chair and opens one of the meals.

JACK (V.O.)

If she had watched me I could have continued, but somehow ignoring me was worse. It was easier masturbating alone that it was trying to when I could see her heartfelt disinterest.

INT. MARLA'S ROOM. MORNING.

JACK is masturbating alone.

JACK (V.O.)

I was the Zen master of masturbation. It was like guiding my own meditation. I had created my own chakra, the cock chakra.

INT. CAVE. (JACK'S IMAGINATION)

JACK walks into his cave naked. MARLA is naked and tied to a chair made of the same ice as the cave. Her legs are spread and her arms are behind the chair. She has a metal device holding her mouth opened and she is wearing two nipple clamps connected with a chain. She has a look of desperation in her eyes. TYLER walks out from behind the chair naked. He jumps onto the seat and stands there between MARLA'S legs. He starts fucking MARLA'S mouth and looks over his shoulder at JACK. He grins condescendingly.

TYLER

Slide.

INT. MARLA'S ROOM. MORNING.

JACK has stopped masturbating and is staring at the ceiling with wide eyes.

JACK (V.O.)

As soon as I gave up on Marla, Tyler reappeared.

TYLER is sitting naked on the bed, next to JACK.

TYLER

What the fuck are you doing?

JACK jumps out of the bed and stands on the other side of it.

JACK

You can't be here, I killed you.

TYLER

If you close your eyes you can see what isn't there.

JACK stares at TYLER exasperatedly.

JACK

This is impossible, I'm dreaming.

TYLER

I was a dream to start with. You don't need me as much as you did, so I'm essentially gone. But I'm still in your head.

JACK waves his hands around.

JACK

I'm not going to let you blow anything up or hurt anyone. I'll kill you again.

JACK points at TYLER.

TYLER

I don't want to blow anything up anymore. Excuse my bad pun. I want to get you blown.

JACK scoffs at TYLER'S statement.

JACK

What are you talking about?

TYLER

Just like before you met me; you're laying in bed masturbating when you could be having great sex with Marla.

JACK

Well it's no good to me to have you fuck Marla, I can't even remember it.

TYLER

And this is better? I had to stop you because Marla wasn't going to interrupt you this time. But since I'm in your head I guess you're stopping yourself.

JACK

Stopping me from what?

TYLER

From settling. I won't let you squirt your ambition onto your stomach. I know you, when you become content you stop trying.

JACK

What are you talking about?

TYLER stands up and points at JACK.

TYLER

The next time you cum, you're cumming in Marla, or you're not cumming at all.

JACK

Is that supposed to motivate me?

TYLER

Once you're desperate enough, you'll find a way to fuck Marla the way you both need it.

JACK

I think it would be best if you just told me what you and Marla did and left me alone.

TYLER

If you can't remember, how can I tell you?

JACK

You can't make me stop masturbating.

TYLER

I can make you do anything, you know that.

MARLA walks in. JACK looks at the door, then looks back to were TYLER was. TYLER is gone.

INT. MARLA'S ROOM. NIGHT.

JACK is on the bed masturbating.

JACK (V.O.)

Insomnia still haunts me. Instead of nodding off and becoming Tyler I spend six hours a night in bed thinking about Marla, jerking off, trying to cum. But Tyler stops me every time. He's able to stop me because he's right, I could be having great sex with Marla. Tyler's still with me I guess, though now he's purely internal. Now instead of a jailer keeping me imprisoned in a shared body, he's more like a parole officer. He keeps me in check, makes sure I won't give up and settle for less, no matter how much I want to.

JACK switches hands.

JACK (V.O.)

Or maybe Tyler's a psychological terrorist, thwarting my attempts at pleasure to frustrate me and thus attempt to gain his own release from my subconscious. He thinks if I'm forced to reintegrate him to get what I want then I'll have to eventually become him again. How can Tyler think if he's gone? How can I know what he thinks if I killed him? Am I doing this to myself?

JACK stops masturbating and rolls onto his side.

INT. MARLA'S ROOM. EVENING.

JACK is watching porn on MARLA'S TV. There's a tape box sitting on top of the TV that reads "Animated Bukkake."

JACK (V.O.)

I had hit bottom, just like Tyler always wanted. That's why I couldn't get Tyler back, his self-stated purpose was to help me hit bottom. But ironically Tyler could never hit bottom, he was too obsessed with making the rest of the world hit bottom. When you really hit bottom you stopped caring about everything. You didn't want to save the world, or destroy it. In fact you wanted nothing to do with it. I hit bottom for a split second when I pulled the trigger on a gun in my mouth. I now suspect it was Tyler who cocked the gun slightly to the left at the last second, blowing out the side of my face instead of killing me. Maybe he thought if I lived after hitting bottom I'd pick up his cause, but considering the nature of our existence I guess he knew I wouldn't. Or did he? Did he think in the same time frame as I did? If I thought I was killing myself, but Tyler knew he was making me shoot the left side of my face off, then shouldn't I have died, and Tyler lived. Maybe Tyler's gone cause he served his purpose, I hit bottom like he wanted me to, like I needed to. And a second was all it took. I couldn't live at the bottom, I'd be putting guns in my mouth twenty-four hours a day. That's Tyler for you, can't live with him…

MARLA walks in. JACK turns off the TV.

JACK (V.O.)

I am Jack's painful erection.

ANGEL FACE walks in after MARLA. MARLA is wearing a burgundy dress. Her shoes are both black but they don't match. ANGEL FACE is wearing the official black shirt, pants, and boots of Project Mayhem.

ANGEL FACE

How's the jaw? Sir.

JACK (V.O.)

I obviously couldn't go to a hospital. One of the nameless members of Project Mayhem was pre-med.

JACK moves his jaw to the left, causing a click to be heard.

JACK

It's fine.

MARLA begins undressing.

ANGEL FACE

It's a momentous day, sir.

JACK

Oh, and why's that?

ANGEL FACE

Earlier today, the first child was born into Project Mayhem.

JACK (V.O.)

I am Jack's portentous dread.

JACK

What do you mean?

ANGEL FACE

I was there, sir. You should have presided. A child was born today and taken into Project Mayhem.

JACK (V.O.)

I am Jack's worst nightmare.

ANGEL FACE

Think of what we'll be able to do with space monkeys who were born that way, raised on your ideals, sir.

JACK (V.O.)

An army of innocent children, brainwashed and marching against you.

ANGEL FACE

We named him Tyler, sir, the first human of the new era.

JACK (V.O.)

Project Durden, it was a cult now.

ANGEL FACE

The exploits of the demolition committee will seem like fables to him.

JACK (V.O.)

Maybe this was how all religions got started.

MARLA

Your weird little club will have to open a day care center.

JACK looks over at MARLA, she's naked.

JACK (V.O.)

Be sure to spay and neuter your humans.

JACK

You told her about this?

MARLA

Project Mayhem's not just a boy's club anymore.

ANGEL FACE takes off his shirt.

JACK (V.O.)

Equal opportunity self-destruction.

ANGEL FACE removes his shoes. MARLA crawls onto the bed. ANGEL FACE removes his pants and joins her.

JACK

What are you doing?

MARLA

Until you can fuck me like a man I'm going to have to do something to get my fix.

JACK pushes ANGEL FACE off the bed.

JACK

No, you are not fucking Marla.

MARLA pulls ANGEL FACE back onto the bed.

MARLA

You're retired. You can't tell him when to do.

MARLA grabs a condom from the table next to the bed. She holds ANGEL FACE'S cock with one hand and massages his balls with the other.

MARLA

You can watch if you think it'll help you figure it out.

As ANGEL FACE gets hard MARLA slips the condom onto him

JACK (V.O.)

I am Jack's jealous submission.

ANGEL FACE flips MARLA on her stomach and starts fucking her hard. He grips her thighs tightly and pushes her back and forth in unison with his thrusts.

JACK (V.O.)

You didn't have to loose everything like Tyler said. You just had to think it was everything. You can think you've lost everything, but you don't know it till you've lost a whole lot more.

ANGEL FACE slaps MARLA on the ass. JACK gets up off the bed.

JACK (V.O.)

This was worse than Tyler and Marla fucking in the Paper Street house. Marla's place was barely one room as it was.

ANGEL FACE reaches forward and scratches MARLA'S breast with his nails. He squeezes it roughly and MARLA moans.

TYLER

Hey, Cuck Boy.

JACK looks over to see TYLER filming MARLA and ANGEL FACE fucking.

JACK

Shut up. Can't you fuck Marla, or at least get him off of her?

ANGEL FACE takes his cock out of MARLA'S pussy and starts fucking her ass. MARLA screams.

TYLER

I kind of enjoy the show.

MARLA'S hands slip on the plastic covering the bed. Her head slams into the headboard as ANGEL FACE continues thrusting. She tries to put her hands on the bed again but ANGEL FACE grabs her hands and holds them behind her with his left hand. With his right hand he grabs her hair and pulls her face off the bed. MARLA screams mixing passion and pain.