(This series is pure fantasy. Please enjoy it as such.)
Last month's clash between the stars of 30 Rock and Parks and Recreation didn't quite go as planned, when brooding brunette Aubrey Plaza suddenly quit, and prima donna blonde Jane Krakowski followed suit right behind her.
Lucky for us, their respective managers Amy Poehler and Tina Fey, filled the void with an entertaining, intense clothes ripping catfight that ended up with the comic actresses baring all. The surprise facesitting ending was the talk of the town, as the former SNL Weekend Update anchors showed a kinky side of themselves we'd never seen before.
Needless to say, interest in our erotic series was going through the roof. Several other celebrities looking for instant fame came calling, looking to get in on the rising popularity of Celebrity Sexfights.
With the enormous success we've had with the Milf angle, plenty of older, more mature stars wanted to be part of our new series that was sweeping the country.
Stars of the past that I grew up fantasizing about, wanted in on our racy competition: Heather Locklear, Jamie Lee Curtis, Jennifer Tilly, Crystal Bernard, and Sean Young were all in their 60s, yet were willing to show their sexual side, competing for another crack at the spotlight as well as the prize money, that was now almost half a million dollars.
Other entertainers like Jenna Elfman, Morena Baccarin, Chelsea Handler, Avril Lavigne, and Ariel Winter were willing to get into the ring, as were athletes Tonya Harding, Megan Rapinoe and Ronda Rousey.
I don't know who would be brave enough to step into the ring with Ronda, but I'm sure we could find someone.
We've also heard from quite a few of the money hungry contestants from Survivor. After seeing ex-castaways Jerri Manthey and Stephenie LaGrossawalk away with a hundred grand each, our phone has been ringing off the hook with former Survivor players looking to cash in. Parvati, Sugar, Colleen and NaOnka were just a few of more than twenty girls from the popular reality TV show that responded to our offer.
Luckily, with all the interest from different celebrities, popular or not, I don't have to beg anyone to be oart of our show. I'm the one who gets to decide who we take and who we don't.
There were several names that I couldn't believe were on the list. One was Kelly Ripa of daytime television. I've always been a big fan, and think she's cute as a button. Especially for someone in her fifties.
Apparently her good friend Amy Poehler suggested she try it. Amy, who did a hilarious impression of Kelly on Saturday Night Live, told her that her live sexfight with longtime friend Tina Fey, was the most exhilarating rush she's ever had as a performer.
If Kelly was interested, then so were we. I called her, giving my sales pitch, running several names past the perky talk show host. Actresses Kate Hudson and Rashida Jones and singers Avril Lavigne and Lisa Loeb were brought up, but the blonde chatterbox said no to all of them, telling me she had someone else in mind.
She had talked with recently retired cooking show host Rachael Ray, who thought a matchup with a food fight angle might go over pretty well. They both agreed to the possibility of appearing nude, but drew the line at any kind of sex act. Apparently they didn't know how we did things.
I was so eager to get Kelly on board, that I agreed to their terms, signing them up to do a sexy food fight. It was a different type of show, so we decided to go with a different setting. We were able to use the set of Rachael's cooking show, complete with a small studio audience, so we still had the live atmosphere.
Kelly came up with the idea that they would pretend to do a live cooking show, that would eventually get out of hand, turning into a sexy, wet and messy free for all.
Who was I to argue? I mean who hasn't had a fantasy of seeing their favorite star covered in linguini, whipped cream or some other slimy goo.
The day of the show I was nervous as hell, not knowing what to expect from our normally G-rated performers. They were dressed as if it were regular television. No bikinis like we usually have.
Kelly was wearing a short yellow floral print dress, and Rachael looked surprisingly hot in a short sleeve black blouse and gray mini skirt, showing off her thick white thighs.
Both of the women were bubbling with excitement, ready to have some fun. They didn't appear to be nervous at all. It looked like business as usual on the set of The Rachael Ray Show.
We began the show like any other, with an ovation from the audience, and an introduction from the chubby little host.
"Hello everybody and welcome to the final episode of The Rachael Ray Show. It's sad that we'll be leaving after seventeen wonderful years, but today we promise that we'll have some fun. You could say we saved the best for last."
The charismatic brunette paused for a second to give the audience a chance to cheer again.
"Kelly Ripa is here today!"
More applause from the overappreciative crowd.
"You all know the saying that to be the perfect wife, you have to be a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom? Well today, Kelly is going to help us combine the two, as we have some sexy fun with food."
Again, more applause as the energetic blonde walks onstage, waving to the crowd, joining Rachael behind the huge counter on their kitchen set.
"Welcome to the show, Kelly! Now first of all, do you believe the saying that you need to be a whore in the bedroom."
The talkative blonde waits a second to answer, as the crowd murmurs with a smattering of boos, voicing their displeasure with the saying.
"Absolutely not!" she answers emphatically, to a roar of applause from the audience.
"A slut yes, but a whore, no."
Rachael laughs at Kelly's response, flashing her pearly whites before moving on to a follow up question.
"How would you combine the two so that you're sexy in the kitchen? To me, it's two totally different things."
"Well for me, every now and then I like to do my cooking and food preparation in my undies!"
The crowd laughs at her surprising response and Rachael reacts with shock as well.
"Your underwear?! No way!"
"Yep! I like to call it my B & P special" Kelly states matter-of-factly, as if it were something on the menu.
Rachael had a puzzled look on her face, trying to follow along.
"B & P special?"
"That's right. Bra and panties! I feel a lot better about myself if I'm wearing something sexy."
The cute daytime host wasn't just teasing, she was ready to back it up as she came out from behind the kitchen counter, and started taking off her yellow flowered dress.
