Big Bang Theory The Prom

Fictional story about fictional characters.

(My version of S. 8, E. 8 "The Prom Equivalency")

*****

Penny was behind the kitchen counter of her apartment making cocktails, awaiting the arrival of her friends Bernadette Wolowitz and Amy Farrah Fowler, when the door opened and they walked in carrying take-out food for everyone. Amy spied neat piles of clothes on Penny's sofa and wondered what they were doing there. "Well, with all the new stuff I had to buy for my new job at the pharmaceutical company, I had to make room in my closet," Penny informed her.

"I meant why are they folded," Amy joked, alluding to Penny's somewhat messy habits, "but whatever." Holding up a particularly attractive red gown, Amy asked, "ooo, what's this one?"

"Believe it or not that's my prom dress," Penny admitted.

"Wow, you still have it," Bernadette sounded surprised, "I just assumed it was balled up in the corner of a barn somewhere."

Looking shocked, Penny inquired, "what kind of teenager do you think I was?"

"Slutty," Bernadette volunteered.

"Easy," Amy added.

"The word is popular," Penny corrected them, sipping on her wine.

"How was your prom...did you go," Bernadette asked Amy.

"No, she responded, "but I was on clean-up committee and it was OK...the DJ let me have one slow dance with my mop before he shut down."

"Yeah, my prom was pretty horrible too," Bernadette consoled her, "turns out my date only asked me because he liked my friend. He spent the whole night talking about her."

"Wow, you had a date and a friend...how lucky, now quit bragging," Amy told her.

Penny volunteered, "it doesn't matter, prom is silly anyway."

"That's easy for you to say," Bernadette said, "you probably went with the captain of the football team."

"No, I just made out with him while his date was puking," Penny chuckled.

"I have an idea, let's have a prom do-over," Bernadette suggested.

"Ooo that would be so much fun," Amy agreed, "we could decorate the roof, and make the guys wear tuxedos."

"Yeah, we could get out hair done and slow dance," Bernadette added.

"OK," Penny surrendered, "but trust me, from someone who's been to like seven proms; they're never as great as you want them to be."

"Seven proms," asked Amy.

"Yep; four Under the Seas, two Enchanted Evenings, and one Night to Remember...that for the life of me, I can't."

Several nights later, Raj Koothrappali, Leonard Hofstadter ( Penny's boyfriend), Sheldon Cooper (who Penny referred to as "head nerd") and Penny were sitting around the coffee table in 4A, eating take-out when the fourth nerd, Howard Wolowitz (Bernadette's husband) entered. They immediately asked him why he was late and where Amy and Bernadette were. "Oh they're out shopping for dresses for their prom thing," he informed them.

"Oh yes, I got the e-vite," Raj spoke up, "I have to admit that ever since I saw Pretty In Pink I've wanted to go to an American prom."

Howard told them, "Bernie's really excited...and I could tell because her voice got so high that the beagle next door started howling."

Raj asked Sheldon, "did you go to your prom?"

Sheldon smugly replied, "uh no...I had a date with a higher education. Instead of a tuxedo I dressed myself in good habits. Instead of spiked punch, I enjoyed the intoxicating flavor of knowledge. Instead of dancing in a gym, I shook my booty to the rhythm of calculus."

"OK, OK," interjected an exasperated Penny, reflecting the feelings of everyone.

"Besides," Sheldon quickly added, "my senior year I was only twelve."

Raj asked Penny, "how come you're not out dress shopping with Amy and Bernadette?"

Seeing her frown, Leonard guessed, "let me guess, you think the whole idea is lame?"

"Who cares what I think," Penny answered, "what do you think?"

"To be honest, the idea of going to even a fake dance with a woman as beautiful as you is kind of a dream come true for me," Leonard told her.

"Oh jeez..thanks a lot," Penny frowned again, "now I can't blow this off without being a bitch."

"That sounds like a "yes,'" Raj clapped, and everyone smiled. "Even Stuart is bringing a date...and it's not Howard's Mom."

Later that day, Penny was across the hall in 4B when she heard a familiar series of knocks: knock, knock, knock, "Penny"...knock, knock, knock, "Penny"...knock, knock, knock, "Penny"...knock, knock, knock, "Penny"...knock, knock, knock, "Penny."

She yanked the door open and confronted Sheldon, "you knocked more than usual."

"Someday I may be in a hurry," Sheldon informed her, "it doesn't hurt to have these in the bank."

"What do you want Sheldon," Penny asked.

"Well it occurred to me that since you and I are both reluctant to attend this party that Amy and Bernadette are throwing, that we could use a method I have employed on many occasions to help me get through unpleasant experiences. I used it the first time I saw you in a play."

Looking annoyed, Penny asked, "what method?"

"We can pretend we're aliens like in "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy," Sheldon responded.

"Wait...what," Penny asked incredulously. "Here's a question for you: as an alien pretending to be human, are you planning to participate in any post-prom mating rituals with Amy?"

"Wait...there are post-prom mating rituals," questioned Sheldon.

Penny clarified, "not always...unless your date drives a van with an air mattress...then always."

"Well if it's part of the prom experience, then I'm open to it," Sheldon astounded her.

"You're kidding," Penny responded, her jaw dropping.

"I may be an alien, but I do have urges," Sheldon told her, "if Amy wants to copulate by firing her eggs into space, I'm more than willing to catch then in the reproductive sac on my upper-phlerman." Penny looked more puzzled than usual when talking to Sheldon and he continued, "I may not be the best at reading facial cues, but I can see that you're a little turned on." He turned and left her apartment.

A few days later, Leonard and Sheldon were in their apartment getting ready for the prom, and Leonard was tying his roommate's bow-tie. "If you're not going to learn how to tie this, they do make a pretty good clip-on," Leonard told him.

"Bruce Wayne doesn't wear a clip-on," Sheldon replied.

"Bruce Wayne doesn't make his roommate tie his," Leonard answered.

"His name is Alfred...and yes he does," Sheldon responded.

Straightening it, Leonard commented, "perfect."

"Are you sure, this is my first prom and I want it to be perfect," Sheldon told him, putting on his tux jacket."

"I thought you were going to pretend to be an alien," Leonard asked.

"I was but Penny didn't want to...Amy didn't want to, Bernadette, Koothrappali, and Wolowitz didn't want to.

Leonard saw him stuff a silver object into his inside jacket pocket and asked, "is that a flask?"

"Oh yes," Sheldon admitted, "I've decided to embrace all the high-jinks associated with prom including spiking the punch."

"You're going to add alcohol to the punch," an amazed Leonard questioned him.

"Oh no, it's pomegranate juice," Sheldon confirmed.

"Wow, give you a leather jacket and you'd be the most bad-ass kid on the Disney Channel," Leonard told him. "So anything else planned for tonight?"

"Oh, everything: slow dancing, getting our picture taken, being elected prom king...then reminding everyone that kings are not elected," Sheldon answered, and then snorted (his version of a laugh).

"Well, while we're at it young man," Leonard teased, "I know your hormones are raging at your age, but just because all your friends are having sex, doesn't mean you have to."

"Why would you say that," Sheldon asked worriedly, "Penny implied the same thing."

Leonard explained, "well it's a known fact that a lot of people lose their virginity on prom night, but don't worry, I'm just joking with you...you don't have hormones," and he patted his roommate on the shoulder.

They went across the hall and knocked on 4B (just a normal Leonard-knock) and Penny opened the door dressed in her old red prom dress. It was backless, revealing a good deal of cleavage and she looked absolutely ravishing. "Wow, you look great," Leonard complimented her, "I am the luckiest guy at the prom."

"You guys look so handsome," she told them, and then Amy appeared by her side dressed in a pale blue gown. "Doesn't Amy look hot Sheldon," Penny urged, "that's got to put some starch in your upper-phlerman."

"What's that," Amy looked confused.

"Oh it's a scaly genital organ that grows between the shoulder blades," Leonard explained, "try not to touch it when you're dancing."

Sheldon looked like he was having an anxiety attack as he turned to go back into his apartment, "excuse me...I can't do this. And for your information Leonard, the upper-phlerman doesn't grow out of my shoulder blades...it grows out of the bellybutton on my neck."

"Oh, right...silly me," Leonard admitted, "I was thinking of the lower-phlerman."

"I think I'd better check on Sheldon," Amy said as she opened the door to 4A.

Penny was never a nostalgic person, but standing in the hallway in her old prom dress she couldn't help but reflect on the changes in her life since she moved to Pasadena from Omaha. Her dress still fit her incredible body like a glove (maybe a little tighter glove), but this time she was going to the prom with someone she truly cared about; the only man she had ever met that she actually thought about spending the rest of her life with. Glancing at the door to 4A, she remembered that a few short years ago she had referred to that apartment as the "nerd's apartment"...now it was her "boyfriend's apartment." Climbing the stairs to the roof, hand in hand with Leonard like a couple of high school sweethearts, she couldn't help but feel contentment...maybe for the first time in her life.

Sipping champagne in the limo on the way to Sheldon's building, Bernadette was dressed in a shimmering blue gown and complimented Raj's date, Emily, on her shoulder tattoo. Looking sexy in a bare-shoulder red gown, Emily thanked her, "thanks...it's Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas. I kind of identify with her character."

"Oh because of the red hair," Howard suggested.

"A little I guess," Emily explained, "but I think it's more because she's covered in scars and can rip off her limbs and sew them back on." Emily had a decidedly dark personality streak.

Looking a little frightened, Bernadette responded, "I like Cinderella."

As the limousine pulled up to the curb, Raj stated, "there's Stuart and his date."

Glancing out the window, Howard seemed panicky and shouted, "oh no that's Jeannie."

"Who's Jeannie," Emily asked.

Grinning, Raj continued, "she's his cousin... that he had sex with."

"She's my second-cousin and we were fifteen. You weren't supposed to say anything," Howard excitedly answered.

"Oh it's OK, he told me that story a long time ago," Emily calmed him.

"Hey it was our first date and there was an awkward silence...what was I supposed to say," Raj admitted.

Reaching the attic, Penny and Leonard walked out into a wonderland. There were hundreds of twinkling white lights, almost like fireflies (and engineer Howard had made sure they ALL twinkled; not just a few like on a normal strand). There were white and blue streamers, flimsy strands of blue and white netting, several inflatable and bean-bag chairs and even two blow-up sofas, all covered with blankets to disguise them. There was a table of snacks and appetizers, another table of liquor bottles and a huge punch bowl with flower-shaped ice floating serenely on top. Howard had set up a sound system for dancing and a camera on a tripod with a background for taking portraits of the couples; all hooked up to his laptop. "Wow, the girls really did a great job," Leonard commented.

"It's amazing," Penny gushed, "I know I wasn't really into this but I'm so happy that I get to be your date to your first prom."

"What makes you think I didn't go to my prom...I went," Leonard answered defensively.

"Who was your date," Penny asked.

"A little lady I like to call Loneliness," he said, "but it was OK, because afterward we had a threesome with her friend Humiliation."

"Awww, well if I would have been there and seen you alone, I would have asked you to dance," Penny smiled.

"No you wouldn't...it was before my growth spurt," Leonard told her.

"You mean that already happened," she teased, "well you wouldn't have asked me either."

"Sure I would...in my head...on the way home...while I was having a good cry," Leonard assured her.

Laughing, she put her arms around his neck and kissed him passionately. "I can think of a big difference between that prom and this one," she whispered in his ear, "it's almost a sure thing that you're going to get lucky tonight. Just for future reference...I'm going completely commando tonight...just for you...that and this dress seemed really tight with underwear on...it must have shrunk. Let's dance."

"But there's no music yet," Leonard observed.

"We'll make our own," Penny suggested as they put their arms around each other and began to sway.

"Who's the nerd now," Leonard teased. As they danced, Leonard held her close and said, "this is nice; I almost wish no one else were coming. Thanks for wearing your flats, by the way."

Feeling his erection pressing up against her, Penny smiled contentedly and rested her head on his shoulder, "me too...and thanks for wearing your heels."

Standing outside Sheldon's bedroom door, Amy announced, "this is sill Sheldon. I'm not going to miss another prom...I'll be on the roof."

Opening his door, Sheldon responded, "wait...I'm sorry...I really did think you were pretty. So much so that I had a panic attack. All this talk about losing one's virginity on prom night got me upset. I knew you must be feeling pressure too...even I saw how my posterior looked in these tuxedo trousers. Were you hoping we would spend the night together?"

"I'm always hoping," Amy admitted, "but tonight I just wanted us to have a nice night together. There's something I have to say and I know you're not ready and you don't have to say anything back, but..."

Interrupting her, Sheldon told her, "I love you, too."

Feeling short of breath, Amy responded, "you do?"

"Of course," Sheldon assured her, "there's no denying I have feelings for you that can't be explained in any other way. I briefly considered that I had a brain parasite, but that seemed even more far-fetched...the only conclusion was love."

Seeing Amy clutch her chest, suddenly short of breath, Sheldon announced, "I know what this is...you're having a panic attack. Soccermom109 says the cure is to lay down and elevate your feet." Smiling and rushing into Sheldon's room, Amy lay down on his bed, kicked her heels off and put her feet on his pillow. "Whoa, whoa, whoa," Sheldon exclaimed, "Just because you're having an anxiety attack doesn't mean there are girls allowed in my room...oh, what the Hell," and he sat down beside her. "This may be the pomegranate juice talking but I might be ready to explore some of those other prom night rituals after all."

When the limp arrived at Sheldon's apartment building, the passengers had finally calmed down after what was actually a physical confrontation between Howard and Stuart. Howard had accused Stuart of using his family-tree as his dating pool and it escalated from there. Finally Bernadette had shrieked, her voice like a siren, "everyone just shut-up and have a good time."

Stepping out onto the roof, and seeing Leonard and Penny in a passionate embrace, Howard asked, "are we interrupting anything...or should we just be quiet and watch?"

"Very funny Howard," Leonard responded, "what took you guys so long?"

Chiming in, and not wanting to get things started again, Emily answered: "it was the stairs...what the hell. What happened to the elevator...those stairs are a killer when you're wearing heels...right Penny."

Lifting the hem of her gown to show her feet, Penny replied, "you're asking the wrong girl."

"Yeah, the elevator is a long story," Leonard quickly interjected, "hey Howard, how about some music...I didn't want to mess with your laptop."

Within the next ten minutes, Howard, Raj , and even Stuart had visited the punch-bowl and surreptitiously spiked the punch with flasks of vodka; now knowing that Bernadette had already mixed some Grey Goose in when she made the punch.

"Hey, where's our resident alien," Howard wanted to know.

"Oh he's downstairs being Sheldon," Leonard informed everyone, "and Amy's trying to talk some sense into him...good luck with that."

Howard had programmed a nice mix of slow and dance music and everyone drank, snacked, and danced. All the couples posed for the camera and checked out the photos on Howard's laptop. As the evening progressed, all the participants were becoming more and more inebriated and inhibition-free. The slow dances became more sensuous with hands grasping ass cheeks and the faster ones more risque as shoulder straps slipped and breasts bounced nearly free. Penny whispered in Leonard's ear, "of all the proms I've been to...this is the only one I want to remember forever."

His voice becoming slurred, Leonard agreed and urged, "more pictures then."

Amy had turned over onto her stomach, and Sheldon was massaging her shoulders. "You know," he remarked, "this would be more effective if your shoulder straps weren't in the way." Seeing an opportunity that she thought would never come, Amy sat up and swiftly shoved the arms of her dress down her arms and pushed her dress down to her waist, exposing her pale breasts. Penny had convinced her to forego a bra so that she didn't ruin "the flow of the dress," and it had made her feel so naughty. Quickly she lay back down and a shocked Sheldon calmly said, "alrighty," and resumed his massage of her shoulders and now her bare back. "Are you feeling better," Sheldon asked as he continued to rub her back, his strokes extending way down her sides and actually touching the sides of her breasts as they flattened out beneath her.

"Much better," Amy moaned, "maybe I should turn over so that you can do the front...you know that might make my recovery faster."

"Perhaps," Sheldon mused, "although I don't see why it should...but we can experiment purely for scientific reasons." Amy turned over on her back, displaying her naked breasts and a huge smile. "Oh my," they're much larger than I anticipated." Seeing her surprisingly ample breasts flatten out on her chest, Sheldon's hands were inexplicably drawn to their flesh. Her areola were large round brown circles surrounding jellybean sized nipples and Sheldon began to massage and knead them in the palms of his hands. Then something even more amazing happened: Sheldon Cooper began to get an erection. "Oh my, what's happening," he thought to himself as his trousers got tighter."

Continuing to massage her soft flesh, Sheldon became even more aroused; something he thought he was immune to. Amy's body squirmed under his touch and he found himself suggesting, "perhaps I should expand my area of massage to speed your recovery."

"My thoughts exactly...to speed my recovery," Amy agreed as she hopped off the side of the bed, not wanting to miss this opportunity, and shoved the dress down and off her body. "Oh what the Hell," she mumbled, "it's now or never," and proceeded to slide her surprisingly sexy panties (she had borrowed them from Penny) down her legs and jump back on the bed. "OK maestro, work your magic," she invited Sheldon. A shocked Sheldon began to massage her pale stomach, all the while his eyes focused on the dark mound between her legs. At Penny's urging, Amy had trimmed her bush until it was more like a short carpet, rather than her former jungle. As Sheldon moved lower with his hands, Amy suggestively spread her legs, hoping he would get the hint.