PERSONAL LOG, CADET JONAS OSTROW, STARDATE 35398.74:
If you're reading this, that means you're examining my logs, trying to find some clues as to why I did what I did. I don't know exactly how I did it, I've thought about it, but haven't decided what would be the most painless way. I don't want pain. If I wanted pain, I'd have stayed alive.
But it's obvious I *did* do it, somehow, or you wouldn't be here.
You want answers: Why did I do it? Why didn't I come to you sooner? What could you have done to stop me?
Why did I do it? Because I'm tired. I'm tired of being afraid and angry and recognising what a worthless piece of shit I am. How I don't deserve to be in this Squad, on this ship, in Starfleet. I don't deserve to be home, either, having to face Mom or the people in her company. I don't deserve to be anywhere.
I go through the motions every day now. I pretend to sleep soundly. I pretend to enjoy my meals, I pretend to laugh at my friends' jokes and pretend to love going to work and pretend to Counselor Shall that everything is getting better for me.
But obviously it's not, or you wouldn't be reading this. I know that the memories that Lt. Aiken planted in me were false... but the feelings behind them, the feelings that made them so strong, were true. You may want to believe I'm the victim of a telepathic assault. But I'm really a victim of a bad life. I hated myself before that. Maybe Aiken did me a favour by making me finally face the truth.
Why didn't I come to you sooner? Because I can't. I'm moving from day to day with no purpose, like a ship adrift in some cosmic current. I'm not in control anymore. The voice in the back of my head is true. It tore me apart, piece by piece, taking away my power, my voice, leaving me an observer in my own body. I choke on every lie I tell everyone around me, on every false smile I give them. I'm permanently numb - but somehow I still feel pain, a constant ache I can't escape.
What could you have done to stop me?
Nothing. I need you all to understand that. All of you: Captain Hrelle, Counselor Shall, Commander T'Varik, Kit, Sasha, Eydiir, Rrori, Giles... Neraxis... This isn't your fault. You are all amazing, wonderful people, more family than friends. This is the best place to be, the best I could ever hope for. It can't- can't get any better than this.
That's... That's how I know that what I did, whatever I did, was for the best. The Universe Had Other Plans for me.
I don't want to die. I just want the voice to shut up and leave me alone and I want the pain and the numbness to stop. And I don't want any of you feeling guilty about this.
Because I'm not worth it...
*
USS Surefoot, Deck 1, Captain/Counselor's Quarters:
Captain Hrelle stood naked in front of his mirror, twisting to look at his rear end. "So... shall I do it? Shall I regrow the tail?"
Kami was slipping into her uniform, feeding her own tail through the slit in the lower back. "Told you before, I love you, tail or not."
"That's not an answer."
"Get dressed, you have that briefing, and you can't go looking like that."
"I would if you dared me." As he began dressing, he looked over at his new wife, smiling at his good fortune - and then frowning. "What's wrong?"
She stood up, flicking back her mane and tying the fine bronze hairs together. "It's Jonas. I'm worried about him."
He slipped into his boots. "I thought he'd been making progress?"
"Oh, I get all the right answers from him. Answers that aren't in his eyes or his body language or scent. He refused a mind meld with T'Varik, but I suppose no one can blame him if he has a phobia of telepathy. He remains profoundly depressed, but he's hiding it from me. Maybe himself, too."
Now he approached. "Is it serious? Does he need to be taken off duty temporarily?"
"I don't know yet. I'll have a read through his personal logs later, see if I can get any clues as to his state of mind."
"You're going to do that without his permission?"
She looked at him challengingly. "It's not something I do lightly, Esek. I want to respect the privacy of my patients. But if I think it's serious enough-"
He held up his furry hands, smiling slightly. "Hey, I trust your judgement. Just let me know if I can do anything."
"Thanks, but I've got some people working on it now." She drew in and brushed against the side of his muzzle, nipping his neck slightly. "Oh, and for the record: grow the tail back. It'll give me something else to play with down there besides what you usually offer me."
*
Deck 1, Briefing Room:
Commander T'Varik rose from the table, indicating the display screen behind the still-seated Captain Hrelle as she addressed the senior officers and cadet squad leaders. "As you will note, we have halted our progress to Starbase 154 on the detection of this abandoned vessel, a Vulcan freighter registered as the Saaruuv, reported stolen from Karakol 82 days previously. It is suspected to have been used by Orion smugglers to escape law enforcement, and we believed abandoned here for a faster vessel.
There are no lifesigns onboard, and no threats detected, and we have remotely reactivated life support and main power systems. The cadet squads have been assigned areas onboard the Saaruuv to run standard security sweeps, making recordings for Starfleet Intelligence files. Meanwhile, the Engineering Specialists in the squads will assist Chief Grev and his team in performing diagnostics on the engineering and propulsion systems, to determine if the vessel can be brought to Starbase 154 on its own power, or if it will require towing by the Surefoot. Captain? Anything more to add?"
Hrelle straightened up. "I know there's a desire to impress us with your skills and initiative. Well in this case, keep it in your pants. Starfleet Intelligence requires properly gathered evidence, not amateur detectives trying to solve the mystery of the freighter thieves. And those cadets testing the systems should do just that, don't power up anything or try to get the ship running on your own. You're there to do exactly what's expected of you, no more, no less. Believe me, we're already impressed with you, or you wouldn't be here."
"Well put, Sir." The Vulcan returned to her audience. "The cadet squads will be equipped and ready at the Transporter Room at 0900 Hours, and your individual orders will be fed to your tricorders. Dismissed."
*
SECURITY AUDIO TRANSCRIPT ALPHA SQUAD, STARDATE 35425.08 LOCATION: FREIGHTER SAARUUV, WARP CONDUIT ROOM PRESENT:
SQUAD LEADER SASHA HRELLE (COMMAND) CADET EYDIIR DAUGHTER-OF-KAAS (MEDICAL) CADET JONAS OSTROW (ENGINEERING) CADET NERAXIS NEMM (SECURITY) CADET MEOW RRORI (FLIGHT OPS) CADET KITIRIK (SCIENCE)
HRELLE: Okay, Jonas, you get to work on the diagnostics in here, the rest of us will sweep the port nacelle. Where's the access hatch?
OSTROW: There, just behind you. Here, you'll need my magnetic coupler to open it.
[0904 HOURS: SOUNDS OF HATCH OPENING]
NEMM: Good work, Scrappy. Think that coupler will help me get into Bobby's pants?
OSTROW: No.
HRELLE: Stow it, this is being recorded, remember. I don't think Starfleet Intelligence is going to be interested in your crush on Cadet Beaudine.
NEMM: You never know...
KITIRIK: 'Crush'? This is slang for infatuation, is it not? But 'Crush' typically indicates an act of destruction?
RRORI: Because that's how infatuations usually end, my friend, with the lovesick broken. Sadly, many of my admirers have ended up in such states. I've often considered setting up support groups for those whose hearts I've broken.
NEMM: I thought it took all your effort to stay humble?
RRORI: I am brilliant enough to manage both.
HRELLE: So, my warnings that this is all being recorded have basically been ignored, am I right? Neraxis, Eydiir, Rrori, Kit, get going up into the nacelle, we'll leave Jonas to his work.
KITIRIK: Respected Squad Leader, may I please stay here to assist Friend Jonas?
