Big Bang Theory Howard The Magician

(Fictional story about fictional characters)

(A stand alone story)

Since being selected to go into space and travel to the International Space Station, where he could install and work on his design for a zero-gravity elimination system (a space toilet), Howard Wolowitz had agonized about having a cool astronaut nickname. He wanted something with pizzazz, something everyone would immediately recognize as being both cool and masculine...something studly. It seemed like all the really cool nicknames were already taken: like Maverick from Top Gun, or The Rock. He and his friends were sitting around in apartment 4A reading comic books when he brought up the nickname "Flash;" but his friend Leonard had chuckled and asked, "oh, you mean like "flush?"

"Ha, ha," Howard replied, "I get it...like the toilet...real clever." His best friend Raj suggested "Crash," but Howard had pointed out, "I really don't think my fellow astronauts would want to go hurtling through space, in a Russian rocket built by the lowest bidder, with someone named "Crash."

Then Raj had hit on a brainstorm, "how about Rocketman?"

"You mean that catchy, unforgettable song by Elton John...that is not bad...not bad at all," Howard had agreed.

"It would be perfect," Raj beamed, proud of himself for suggesting it.

"It would," Howard admitted, "but you're forgetting one thing: it can't be something I suggest...it has to be a nickname given to me by my fellow astronauts." Howard could never seem to use the word "astronauts" enough times in his conversations; something that had not gone unnoticed by his friends.

"Well maybe we could think of a way to persuade them to suggest it," Raj offered. "I know...you sometimes have those conference calls with them, right...so maybe we could program the song as your ringtone and the next time you talk to them, I could be there and make sure your phone rings."

Howard smiled and admitted, "that's not bad...it just might work." A couple days later, Howard was in his bedroom sitting at his desk and staring at his laptop while waiting for his Skype call from Houston. Raj was sitting on the corner of Howard's bed, munching on an Oreo while making sure his phone was ready. Suddenly Howard's fellow astronaut Michael was on the screen and they exchanged pleasantries before discussing their schedule of events and training. Out of the corner of his eye, Howard saw Raj fiddling with his phone and then his rang out with the familiar sound of "Rocketman."

"Hey, is that Rocketman," asked Michael, smiling.

"Yeah, it's just my ringtone," Howard shyly told him, "I'll shut it off."

"I love that song," Michael admitted.

Just then Howard's mother bellowed up the stairs, "Howard, I'm going to the store...do you want me to pick up Fruit Loops."

Just as loudly, an irritated Howard screamed back, "no thank you...and I'm on the computer with NASA."

"Oh...mister big shot," he could hear her voice trailing off as she left the house.

Chuckling, Michael inquired, "who was that?"

"Oh that's just my Mom...sorry for the interruption," Howard explained.

"Oh that's OK...Fruit Loops," Michael laughed. And just like that, Howard knew he was doomed to be nicknamed Fruit Loops instead of Rocketman. For the next month, every time he had a Skype call with anyone from NASA, he had to endure the despicable nickname. Howard knew he had to do something to get in their good graces or the trip to the Space Station would be unbearable. Finally he hit on an idea: he remembered how Dimitri, and the Russian engineer cosmonaut Ivan, had been fascinated with his little magic tricks.

His idea was for him to go all out and put on a full-fledged magic show for them the next time they were all in Houston. He would reserve a suite, instead of just a room, in the hotel and bring all his equipment...and most importantly: have his fiancée Bernadette dress in a skimpy costume and assist him. He had been around the Russians enough to know they were real suckers for blondes. Even before he consulted Bernadette, he asked his mother if she would sew her a costume and she readily agreed; selecting one of her old bathing suits for the material.

When he asked Bernadette, she was less enthusiastic. "Howie, I'm really not in the mood for your magic...I'm having a difficult time at work with one of the new researchers. He just seems to know which buttons to push to irritate me." The truth was, the new assistant was tall and handsome and Bernadette was finding it difficult to concentrate on her work. She was working on isolating the ribonuclear protein in the rabies virus in hopes of finding a cure, and it was tedious work.

"Come on Bernie," Howard pleaded, "it will be like a vacation...I'll show you all around the NASA complex...and you will look so cute in the assistant's costume."

"You mean you'll give me a tour like you already did for your friend Sheldon," she sarcastically asked, bringing up a sore subject. Howard had taken Sheldon to Houston instead of her once before.

"Come on Bernie...you know I only took him because you were working, and his mother lives near there," he practically begged. In the end, she of course relented and agreed to be his assistant. Howard was indeed a good engineer and he immediately went to work constructing lighter-weight, stripped down props for his tricks...ones that could be more easily transported. The costume rivaled a professionally crafted one and fit Bernadette like a second skin. Howard didn't tell Bernadette, but he thought she looked like a Playboy bunny in her skintight, purple sequinned costume. It was, of course, strapless, fashioned like a bustier, and revealed a vast expanse of cleavage, while being cut extremely high on her outer thighs so that her short legs seemed much longer; especially when combined with four inch heels. He knew the other astronauts were going to flip when they saw her.

Howard worked feverishly to built stripped down props; his pride and joy was a disappearing-box with black cloth sides instead of solid ones. The corners were crafted by telescoping poles and it seemed to work perfectly. The most important piece: the revolving base which pivoted so that the subject was turned 180 degrees and concealed from the audience, was the most bulky, but when he was done everything fit in one big trunk. Howard was nothing if not a showman, and he planned to shape his performance for his audience: instead of pulling a rabbit out of his hat, he intended to produce a bottle of vodka. Not Russian vodka either. Howard had been around the cosmonauts enough to have heard then say more than once that they could get Russian vodka anytime, so he planned on featuring Absolut vodka from Sweden.

Everything was going as planned: Howard had shipped off the trunk ahead of time so that it would be at the hotel when they arrived and he and Bernadette were already packed. Unfortunately even the best laid plans can go wrong: the day before their plane left for Houston, Bernadette was distracted by her handsome lab assistant and accidentally dropped a vial of rabies virus and her lab was quarantined. She would be confined there for at least three days, ruining his plan. Howard had rushed to the university lab where Bernadette had assured him, talking through a speaker, "don't worry Howie...it's just a precaution. If we were infected, we would already be bleeding from our eyes. I'm sorry about the trip."

"Bernie all that matters is that you're OK. You know I'll have to make the trip without you for my training exercise...I'll just forget about the magic show. Without my beautiful assistant it just wouldn't be the same."

Knowing how much it meant to him to lose the dreaded nickname, Bernadette encouraged him to go on with the show, "maybe you could find someone to replace me...I know...how about Penny." Instantly, visions of the gorgeous Penny dressed in the skimpy costume flashed through Howard's mind, but he tried not to let it show: "no...she's not crazy about me...she would never do it."

"I have my phone in here...I'll call her and explain the situation. She's my friend and I'll bet she'll do it," Bernadette told him.

"Thank you...you are the best fiancé ever," Howard gratefully said, "I wish I could kiss you right now." Later that afternoon, the four scientists (well, technically Howard was an Engineer) were all gathered in 4A for their usual meal together. That night was Giacomo's pizza with sausage, mushrooms and light olives.

Howard had just finished telling his friends about Bernadette's predicament and Leonard consoled him, "that's really sad, Howard...what are you going to do about your magic act."

"Yeah," Raj added, "without that I think you're doomed with the Fruit Loops nickname," and he giggled when he said it.

"Well, here's the thing," Howard began, "I wanted to talk to Penny...where is she...it's not like her to miss a free meal."

"Hey, that's the woman I love you're talking about," Leonard defended her, "she should be here any minute...another waitress was going to be late at the Cheesecake Factory, so she stayed longer to cover for her. What did you want to talk to her about?"

"Bernie suggested that maybe Penny would fill in for her and be my assistant for the act," Howard admitted.

"Jeez Howard, I don't know," Leonard told him, "you haven't exactly made the best impression with her these past years...what makes you think she would do you such a big favor."

"Because Bernie was going to ask her," Howard confessed, "listen, if you can convince her to go along, I'll pay for your hotel room and you can come to the party and meet the cosmonauts. I'll even give you the VIP tour of the NASA complex...like I did Sheldon."

"Oooo I hope you get to go," Sheldon exclaimed, "it's magical."

Just then Penny came through the doorway, immediately kissed Leonard and grabbed a plate from the kitchen counter. She was still wearing her Cheesecake Factory uniform and when she sat and crossed her legs, Howard couldn't resist staring at her exposed thigh. He started to open his mouth when Penny, reaching for a slice of pizza, cut him off: "I hope you realize how lucky you are to have a girl like Bernadette...I'll do it as long as Leonard comes too."

Trying to contain his excitement, Howard asked, "oh you already spoke to her. Thank you so much...of course Leonard is coming. You guys won't mind sharing a room I hope because I already reserved the last available one for you."

"Of course we don't mind sharing a room," Penny answered for both of them, "what a stupid question."

"It's not on the same floor as mine though," Howard added, "I reserved mine weeks ago."

"Even better," Penny told him.

"So everyone but your best friend is now going to have the VIP treatment," Raj sulked and sank back into the sofa.

"Oh all right," Howard agreed, although sounding exasperated, "you can come too Raj...you can share my suite since Bernie won't be there."

"Now that's what I'm talking about," Raj beamed; his smile covering his entire face.

"And don't worry Penny, it won't be hard," Howard assured her, "basically you just follow my directions and hand me things."

"So...just like at the Cheesecake Factory," Penny laughed.

"Well, try to do a little better job than that," Howard chuckled. Penny just glared at him and he smiled weakly, afraid she would renege. "We have to leave tomorrow, so you guys better get packed," Howard suggested.

"I'll call the airlines," Leonard volunteered, "while you pack," and he kissed Penny on the forehead.

"So you're going to leave me here all alone...with just Amy to talk to," Sheldon asked..."great. Well...maybe we can film an episode of Fun With Flags, or I can just re-install all the programs on my laptop."

Penny had been very reluctant to agree to assist Howard, but Bernadette had talked her into it. She was excited to go to Houston...for free... and she guessed she could put up with Howard for an hour as long as Leonard got to live out a fantasy like touring the NASA facility with unrestricted access.

On the way home, Howard had made a stop at his friend Duane's house. Duane worked in the bio-pharmaceutical research department at Cal-Tech, and the duo had bonded after realizing they were both perverted lechers. He was Howard's go-to man whenever he needed some unauthorized prescription strength drugs. This particular trip had been unscheduled until Penny had agreed to substitute for Bernadette. Howard now viewed this opportunity as the perfect chance to get in the good graces of his fellow astronauts, and he was going to do everything in his power to assure that. On this visit to Duanes', Howard procured some capsules that were a combination super-laxative and emetic (which induced vomiting). It had been illegal to sell Ipocec for years, but that didn't stop private chemists. His other acquisition was kind of a standing order for Howard: a combination strong sedative and rophynol...a drug that not only suppressed inhibitions and made the subject susceptible to suggestions, but also affected the memory and actually acted as an aphrodisiac. In Howard's opinion; Duane was a genius...a genius who was slowly acquiring a small fortune for his concoctions.

Next days flight took just over three hours (actual flying time) and the four friends arrived still refreshed. Penny had worn her favorite, comfortable black leggings, topped by a loose fitting long sleeve button-up shirt. As usual when she was with Leonard, she wore flats so as not to tower over him. After checking to make sure his trunk had arrived at the hotel, Howard offered to take everyone out to dinner at one of the numerous barbecue joints in Houston. During his previous training sessions, some of the NASA employees who were local residents had made sure he was familiar with their favorite cuisine. On this occasion, Howard selected one that featured a mechanical bull machine, assuming Penny would accept his challenge to ride it. Any time he got to watch her breasts flop around, was a good night for Howard.

After freshening up at the hotel, Penny had changed into a tight-fitting, sleeveless blouse for their night out, and it did not go unnoticed by the three guys that her prominent camel-toe was clearly visible. After a pitcher of margaritas, she did indeed agree to tame the bull; and holding on with one of her Nebraska farm-girl hands and her vice like thighs she easily beat the timer. There was not a disappointed man in the bar after watching her shirt bounce up and down. Howard kept plying them with drinks as part of his plan for the next day. On the last round of the night, he slipped Duane's first concoction into Leonard's drink; emptying a capsule into the liquid while everyone was watching some poor sap get bucked off the mechanical bull. If his plan went as expected, during the night Leonard would develop flu-like symptoms and would be unable to attend the magic show.

The next morning, as Howard and Raj were assembling and setting up his magic props, Penny called down from their room to say that Leonard had come down with some kind of bug and was now residing in the bathroom. Howard, pretending to feel compassion, told her, "that's a shame...I hope he's better by tomorrow so he can come on the tour with us. You're not sick, I hope."

"No, I'm fine. I'm actually looking forward to the show so I can get out of the room...it's not a pretty picture up here. I went down to the exercise room for awhile and then took a walk, but I don't even dare to order room service...I'm afraid the smell of food will upset his stomach," she informed Howard. " I picked him up some crackers and 7UP, but I think once he's done voiding everything, he'll be sleeping all night. I'll see you in a couple hours...do you have the costume?"

"Yep, we just unpacked it...didn't we Raj," Howard answered.

In the background, she could hear Raj, "yes we did...Hi Penny." What she couldn't hear was the two friends winking at each other as Raj held up the skimpy costume and they imagined Penny dressed in it. Howard had finished setting up his props in the spacious living room area of the suite and had set out the special welcoming gifts for his comrades. When he had secured Penny as a substitute for Bernadette, he had changed some things; instead of pulling a bottle of vodka out of his hat, he had purchased a bottle of Absolut for each cosmonaut and covered them with a cozy knitted by his mother in the shape of a rocket...they really looked special. He had decided to pull something else out of his top hat. He and Raj arranged the furniture to surround his make-shift stage and then they had put out the trays of appetizers he had ordered from the hotel's kitchen. The last preparation was donning his black magician's costume, complete with cape; and then preparing a pitcher of margaritas for anyone who wanted it...but with Penny in mind.

When Penny knocked on the door of the suite, Raj gleefully let her in. She looked around the suite, whistled and commented, "wow...this is niiice...it must have cost Bernadette a pretty penny."

"From one pretty penny to another," Raj mumbled, watching her gracefully move around the room.

Howard replied, "nothing but the best for my Bernie...too bad she couldn't be here. He quickly went over what was expected of her. "Basically you just hand me the props from the table when I ask for them," he explained, "my act is pretty simple...a lot of sleight-of-hand tricks and my disappearing-cabinet...which is not a cabinet now, just a frame covered by black cloth. You know...had to improvise due to space restrictions. You just stand on the platform and when I close the cloth sides, I push this lever and it rotates 180 degrees so that you are no longer visible from the front. It's like you disappeared...then I reverse it and you re-appear...like magic. Really I just need you for eye-candy...you know like when you're out on a date with Leonard. The audience will be watching you, which makes the tricks even easier."

She glared at him, letting him know she didn't appreciate derogatory remarks about Leonard, and told him, "I think I can handle it...where is the costume so I can get changed."

"I hung it in the bathroom by the bedroom," Howard informed her, "and I made a pitcher of your favorite drink, just to take the edge off." He went to the bar area, grabbed a glass and surreptitiously dumped a capsule of Duane's second wonder-drug in before filling it with the margarita liquid. Penny graciously accepted the drink and swiftly downed the entire contents before asking for another. Sipping on the refill, she headed to the bathroom while Howard and Raj watched her leggings-covered ass wiggle. Howard knew her blood was still thin from all the alcohol the night before, and the added tequila would aid in the blood absorbing the drug-cocktail. She should becoming very mellow...very soon; and then the susceptibility to suggestions would kick in.

Raj and Howard waited for her anticipated reaction as she went into the bathroom to change. Almost immediately they heard her yell, "Howard!! We have a problem." They looked at each other and began to giggle, but swiftly stopped as Penny emerged from the bedroom dressed (or nearly dressed) in the costume that had been made for Bernadette. The two scientists actually sucked in their breath when they saw her standing in front of them with her hands on her shapely hips and an angry look on her face. The costume was, of course, much too small for the taller beauty. It barely covered her crotch and rode so high on her hips that her long legs seemed six-feet long. The bodice, made for the tiny Bernadette, was so short that whenever Penny moved, the tops of her pink areola were visible. When she walked, she kept tugging at it to keep it up. Raj and Howard could feel their erections forming as they stared at the gorgeous blonde. "What the Hell," Penny demanded, "why didn't you have it altered for me."