Fine- I admit it! I'm an Avril Lavigne fan. I don't really like all her songs, but some are pretty good. And of course she's gorgeous. So when she came to an HMV in Ottawa for a signing, I showed up early.
Me and a thousand other wide-eyed teens had gathered with albums and posters for her to sign. This was some years ago and she'd just done a photo shoot for Maxim. Both she and I would have been in our 20s at the time. I don't consider myself a pervert, but I'll admit that for the past decade or so, I'd fantasized about her having a shaved pussy, modeling it for me, and us making love and going out together (and it doesn't take a Sherlock Holmes to know that the same thing was on about a billion other guys' minds.)
I knew it was a long shot, but I'd prepared her a love note. Would she even accept it when I tried to hand it to her when she signed my poster of her? I doubted it. I guessed she probably fought off stalkers and whatnot daily, what with her looks and her fame. But it was worth a shot.
After hours of waiting amidst the screaming crush of teens and the eerie self-consciousness imposing TV cameras which one could never be sure were on or off, it was my turn to go get her autograph. The guards let me through and I scampered up to the smiling talented singer hottie toting in front of me like an idiot the CD jacket of her second album, 'Under My Skin' for her to sign.
'Hi!' she said beautifully.
'Hey,' I stammered handing her the CD jacket, 'Could you make it out to Jack, please?'
'Sure. Hey man, are those real tattoos?' she asked referring to the seven black stylized tears I have tattooed on my face coming down from my eyes.
'Yes. Hey, can I give you something to read later, please?' I said as I handed her the tiny folded note.
'...Ok, I can make an exception for a guy with tattooed tears!' She accepted my note and handed me back the CD jacket on which she'd written in neon pink paint-marker, 'To Jack From Avril XXX.' She'd dotted the 'i' with a cute sexy little heart. My heart was awash with joy as I thanked her and left the signing table.
***
Later back in her hotel room, Avril Ramona Lavigne unfolded my note and read:
'Hi Avril! I'm Jack. Thanks so much for reading this letter. Don't worry- I'm not a stalker! I've been your fan since Let Go and I think you're just amazing and totally F-ing hot! Like so many others, I've always been able to relate to your music, and it feels in a strange way like we've been growing up together through the years. I know you probably hear this kind of thing from fans every day, and you deserve it! But anyway, if you'll be in the city for any amount of time, please get in touch with me at...
Love, -Jack xxxooo
***
I was utterly and completely blown away when she actually called me late that evening!
'Hey, Jack?'
'Yes. Who's this?'
'It's Avril. I read your little letter and I just wanted to say thanks for giving it to me.'
I started hyperventilating so bad with excitement I could hardly answer, but I managed, 'Yeah? Well you're welcome, Avril!'
'So like, I'm not leaving till tomorrow morning, and I don't have anything to do tonight, and I was wondering if you'd like to do something together or something.'
(Hiroshima of my heart!!) 'Sure, ok!' I was faint and panting wildly with excitement, careful to keep my phone's receiver from picking up my frantic near-wheezing lest she think me a complete freak.
'Cool! So like, I don't know Ottawa that well, can you suggest a place?'
I somehow managed to give her the name of a nice restaurant I knew and arranged to meet her there in an hour, without barfing. I ended the call, flung my hands up and dropped to my knees- 'Hiroshima!!!' I yelled at the top of my lungs. My friends and the rest of the people around me in the crowded mall where I'd been all stopped and stared at me in disgust and disbelief.
I raced home and contrived my utmost to dress in something that looked un-contrived. I meditated for ten minutes to still my about-to-bust heart, splashed on cologne, and raced to the restaurant, stopping only to withdraw some cash from an ATM on the way.
I met her there. She had to weirdly, yet totally understandably, cover her facial features until we were alone at a secluded table to avoid the Paparazzi and their equivalent. We passed a wonderful evening and I could not believe my lucky stars when she invited me back to her hotel room!
***