Because out of every situation you have this uncanny ability to make me feel like it's all my fault. Not every day, but enough to make it matter. That day was the limit, it was a Sunday, not like any other but by five pm the black cloud you had created drove me out.
It started as a walk, even though i had no idea where i was going or for how long. All I wanted was to get away from you.
It was one of those days where the sun was shining down, the air was warm and I should have felt just as bright, but I couldn't and it was all because of you. Your mood on my mind, your last words in my head, how you had not even bothered to say goodbye as I had walked out. I stared at the concrete below my battered converse as I walked, not noticing anyone or anything around me, alone and confined in my own world. That was until I bumped into him... literally! My best friend.
* * *
We had known each other since high school. I had been the social outcast, that skinny weird kid who wore far too much black and insisted on streaking her hair purple to match her nail varnish. It had been behind the science block where they had jumped me, four of them, the 'popular girls'. Every high school had them and to this day probably still has them, those stuck up too rich from daddy types with bleach blonde hair and fake tans that go far too orange. It had started off with a few insults and when I didn't bite, they did!
I don't remember much else apart from the blows raining down on me, the kicks to my stomach, the pulling of my hair. Then he had stepped in, appearing from no where and pulling them off me.
"Are you ok?"
"Uh yeah I think so, why the fuck did that happen?" I looked up to see a dark haired, scruffy looking guy crouching beside me, picking up the papers that had fallen from my bag as I had gone down.
"Because you let them." Was all he said and helped me to my feet. From that day he looked out for me, all the time like the big brother I never had. Years later, he still did, every time I fell he was there to catch me.
* *
"Woah, someone's not looking where they are going"
"Sorry, one of my days..." I replied, looking down so he didn't see the tears brimming in the corners of my eyes.
"Holy shit, what's he done to you this time Jess?" He pulled me into a hug, we didn't need to speak at that moment because as usual he knew exactly how I was feeling.
"The usual Gee, I'm so sick of it. Why does he hate me so much?" He pulled me to the side of the street out of the way of several maniacal kids on bikes that had been heading our way.
"Come on, you need a coffee."
"..and a cigarette." I sniffed into my fist, wiping the black smudges of eyeliner from my face.
"Yeah, I guessed that already. Come on!" We walked the two blocks to his house, my own getaway yet again. His arm around me the whole time.
"I don't know why you put up with his shit Jess." He said, handing me my drink.
"Nor do I." I shrugged, "It's the whole marriage thing you know it's not something taht I can just walk away from."
Gerard looked exasperated, running his hands through his hair.
"Yes you can, I told you this the first time he started all this. You can come here any time and stay as long as you like."
I smiled up at him and pulled him down to sit next to me on the couch.
"Why are you so nice to me?"
"That is such a stupid question.." He sighed.
"No, I mean all I do is call you at four a.m when he's locked me out or turn up after one of your shows when he's got in one of his moods and started shit. Don't you ever get fed up of looking out for me all the time..."
"Jess, you're my friend and you also have 'victim' printed on here.." He ran a finger over my forehead, sweeping my long black hair to the side.
"Why do you wear your hair all over your face like that?"
"Cause I never got round to changing it." I shrugged, flicking it back over my eyes. The truth was that I hid behind my hair, it was one of my comfort zone.
"And you have such pretty eyes too, when you're not looking so sad that is..."
I pushed his finger away from my cheek where he was absent mindedly stroking me.
"Hey, I'm smiling ok!"
He leaned back into the couch and I lay my head on his chest. Something we always did,his arm around me felt comforting and calming.