I stood in a phone booth. It was a stereotypical late 1970's phone booth, with the requisite torn up directory and smelling slightly of urine. I was nervous as hell because I was about to do something crazy. Something I never thought I would do. I was about to call the woman I had dated for two years and unceremoniously dumped nearly a year ago.
The phone number was permanently etched in my memory. Back in the 1970's there were no mobile phones for the masses, no email, no facebook. You either phoned or you wrote a letter. I dialled the number and held my breath.
"Hello?"
"Hello, Jane?"
"This is Jane, who is this?"
"Ron, Ron Grayson."
There was a long pregnant pause.
"Ron? Why are you calling me? Who died?"
"No one died. I just... wanted to give you a call."
"It's been a year! Why on earth would you want to call me now? You haven't tried to reach out to me once."
"I've been wanting to call you Jane. I just couldn't work up the courage to call."
"After what you did to me I don't doubt it. I don't really want to talk to you. If you've got a good reason to talk then tell me now, otherwise I'm hanging up."
"I... I want to apologize."
"Apologize for what?
"Apologize for the way I broke up with you. It was cruel and thoughtless, it was casual and cowardly. I never told you why, and never gave you a chance to talk about it."
More silence on the line.
"Why now? There must be a reason why your conscience is bothering you."
"This isn't a sudden thing. I have been wanting to do this for a long time. In fact I nearly called a week after we split."
"Alright, you have my attention. So spill, tell me the truth about why you quit loving me."
"It is hard to talk over the phone. I'm in a phone booth. Is there any way we can meet?"
"Where are you?"
"I am here in Grantham."
"Aren't you living in Dunsfield?"
"Yes, I came here hoping to see you and talk. I also have some business contacts here in Grantham, so I really hoped I could catch you at home."
"Um, okay, how about the First City Cafe in half an hour?"
"Perfect, see you there."
This meeting and discussion should have happened a year ago but I took the cowards way out, a dear Jane letter. Shameful, but I couldn't face her with the truth back then.
I sat in the cafe sipping on my dark roast, black, the way God intended coffee to be consumed. When she walked through the door I realized how much I missed her. It wasn't that she was super model gorgeous, she was who she was, she owned it. Tall and lanky, frizzy long brown hair and a pale complexion. She hadn't dressed up specially for me, I was glad for that. She wore a pair of faded Levi's and a brown knit sweater, nothing fancy. She wore Adidas runners.
I stood as she approached.
"Let me get my coffee."she snarled.
There were no hugs, no kisses, not even one on the cheek. I guess that was to be expected.
With coffee in hand she sat opposite me at the table and looked me up and down.
"You're looking pretty good Ron. Life must be treating you well."
"Thanks, you look pretty fine yourself Jane."
"So, what is it that's burning a hole in your conscience Ron?"
"I shouldn't have sent that "dear Jane" letter. It was stupid and cowardly. I'm ashamed that I didn't speak to you face to face. I hope I can make up for that insult to you, albeit a year late."
"It was a chickenshit move Ron. I was furious with you, then disappointed, then depressed and enormously sad."
"You were justified. I used the lamest excuse in the book, that I needed to take time out to "find myself."
I want to come clean and tell you the truth."
"So why did you feel the need to break up with me?"
"The number one reason is that I was working and living in Dunsfield, four hours away. I loved you, but eight hours in the car every weekend was killing me. My old Chevy Nova was barely road worthy and it was taking nearly every spare dollar I earned to feed it and keep it on the road. I wanted to ask you to move to Dunsfield but your family was here in Grantham."
"The second reason was that I was just starting a career. I was making very little money. You weren't able to find a job and you were in danger of losing your apartment. I felt helpless. I couldn't even afford my own rent let alone help you with yours!"
"The third reason was that I discovered you had stopped taking your birth control pills. I found them by accident when I needed some Aspirin. I checked three weeks later and there had been no pills removed. I always wore a condom as a double protection. Then there was that one night."
"I will never forget that night Jane. We were so hot for each other. You told me that it was time, you needed me inside you. I went to get a condom. You stopped me. You told me we didn't need one, that it was okay if I took you without one. Just fuck me bare, you said. I insisted there would be no sex without one, so I got a condom from my bag and we made love, but you had lost a lot of your ardour. I thought maybe it was just a moment of passion that made you want such dangerous unprotected sex, it was only later that night that it dawned on me that you wanted to get pregnant."
"My thoughts cascaded from that point. Were you truly trying to get pregnant? Why? Were you trying to make it so I would feel obligated to marry you? That struck fear in my heart. I loved you, but it was impossible for us to marry. I could barely afford my rent, keep my junker of a car on the road and eat. How in the hell could I support you and a baby? I panicked, I jumped out of the relationship and pulled the chute. I needed to find myself but it feels like I lied about why I left. I'm sorry, I should have been honest. I should have heard your side of the story but I was a coward."
Jane was staring into her coffee cup. Her face showed a mix of emotions. It took several moments for her to speak.
"Wow, when you are honest you don't pull your punches. I can see why you made up a lame excuse. Yes, it would have destroyed me back then. Still, I wish I had known."
"I know it was hard on you to live so far away. I wish you had asked me to move to Dunsfield, I would have moved. My family knew how I felt about you, and they were waiting for us to make that decision to live together. A year ago you were at the the start of a promising career, of course you were poor. I always expected us to start with very little and struggle to build our lives together."
"Your accusation about going off the pill and trying to convince you not to use a condom? I am sad to say, and ashamed to admit, that is true. I kept dropping hints that we should marry and start our lives together but you were always putting it off. I knew you were a man of honour and that you would marry me if you got me pregnant. I am sorry that I ever thought that I could manipulate you that way."
"Thank you Jane. I know that wasn't easy for you to admit. My reluctance to marry as a poor man comes from experience. I have quite a few relatives who married and divorced over financial difficulties. I never wanted that to happen to us. If I had confronted you with these reasons a year ago...would we have been able to work it out?"
"A year ago, no. I would have been so embarrassed and ashamed that I would stoop so low. I would have broken up with you for accusing me. Today, a year later, I can admit to being a manipulative bitch back then."
"So that's my confession. I feel better now I've levelled with you."
"I feel better now that I've been able to clear the air too."
"So, are you seeing anybody? I asked her.
"A boyfriend. We have been dating for a few months now. How about you?"
