Wrestling with Life's Cruel Irony

Wrestling With Life's Cruel Irony – Chapter 1

See "Life's Cruel Irony" for context. This is a continuation upon the marriage of Jeff and Pam. This story deals with the impact the marriage has upon three couples.

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When the minister said, "if there is anyone who objects to the joining of this woman to this man, let them speak now or forever hold their peace," Doris tried to muster the courage to speak, "Jeffery and Pamela you cannot wed. You are brother and sister."

Yet the courage she sought disappeared like the morning mist under a blazing sun. There was no delicate way to utter her objection without bring ruination to all.

In shame Doris' declaration remained unspoken. Life in its cruel irony had visited great sorrow upon her heart for her affair with Vince, Pamela's father. That day when lust and passion ruled, Vince and Doris conceived Jeff.

On the second evening the cool reality hit Doris hard. The affair was a mistake. She knew within her heart that she loved Royce deeply. She knew she loved him with equal depth even though he had been neglecting her needs for five months. She lost control of her rational self. Lust caused her to violate her vow of marital fidelity. She had put her marital happiness at risk. She pledged she would not repeat her mistake. Though Doris constantly wished she could undo that wayward afternoon, her love for the son conceived that day never wavered.

Almost two years later Vince pressed her to be his lover once again. Though Doris refused, having crossed that line once frequently created a tension within her when she was around him. The vivid memories of their passion did not help. Eventually, the line was crossed again two months before Jeff's fourth birthday.

Vince's seductive words were mixed with an implied threat of exposure. At the end of a long week she was already feeling depressed when an early Friday evening telephone call from her husband added self-doubt and anxiety to the mix. Her husband called to say his return flight from Denver was cancelled due to a blizzard and it would be two, maybe three days before he would get home.

At the end of the call Royce asked her to inform Vince that he could not meet Saturday for breakfast because the storm. When her husband said Vince had an important family matter to discuss with him away from their homes a large pit formed in her stomach and she had difficulty speaking. All Royce knew was that it could affect their future. Doris could only think of one thing: Vince was going to carry out his threat.

Envisioning the worst when Vince propositioned her during the call she agreed to meet. Her marital vow was torn. She did not enjoy the sex that first time, nor the second time five months later. Her heart was not in it. There was no passion, no desire, no lust nor love. She felt used and cheap. When she looked at her sleeping children she justified her actions by telling herself that she was protecting her family from dissolving. When she pressed Vince to wear a condom he laughed that he had a vasectomy three years prior.

Since, Doris had found herself in Vince's arms once or twice a year for an evening or afternoon. It was not until the third year that she realized Vince too would be putting his marriage at risk too if he followed through on his threat. To her surprise Vince laughed when she called him on his threat. He laughed that Tara allowed him to have other lovers as Tara was not interested in sex. She permitted him to satisfy his animal urges with other women as long as he would be discreet, he did tell her who and it was no more than a couple times a year.

He smiled, "though she does not want to know, she once suggested that I should fuck you." Being a naturally submissive person, Doris acquiesced. Though over the years she questioned whether Vince's claim was true, she was not willing to call the bluff. It was not a subject she could just raise with Tara.

Though Doris was reluctant those first years, she rationalized that if she was trapped she should enjoy the pleasure. Though the pleasure of their coupling did momentarily waylay her angst, days later she would inevitably become depressed, sometimes for weeks.

She constantly searched for a way out. She hired an investigator to see if he could unearth some secret about Vince. Alas, her limited fees were quickly exhausted before anything was uncovered.

When Jeff was about to be twelve, Doris thought of a possible answer to her problem. Simple she thought, get Vince and Tara involved. She did not like the idea of her husband being with Tara, but was willing if it would help end Vince's control over her. Vince found flaws. He noted she would be risking Royce's wrath if he learned the truth. The biggest problem was that Tara was a cold fish and Royce would feel he got the short end. Vince speculated that because of Tara Royce would either want to leave Doris or open their marriage up to include many others because he was would not be satisfied by Tara. Opening herself to other lovers revolted her so she dropped the idea.

Though the affair allowed Doris to push her sexuality beyond what happened at home, she was still a reluctant participant. Vince and his dominating personality had a way of stirring her imagination and base desires. Yet, the difference made her appreciate her husband's lovemaking skills all the more.

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On her daughter's wedding day Tara's heart was carried with joy as if she was a feather on the wind. As she watched the newlyweds dance she was elated by Pam's choice of a husband. She could not understand why her husband had been so negative about Pam dating Jeff. They were a lovely match. Jeff's personality was so much like his father, kind, gracious and thoughtful. He carried himself with confidence without being arrogant. He was broader in the shoulders than Royce and a little taller, but he had Royce's blue eyes.

Being drawn from her seat by her husband brought the mother of the bride momentarily out of her thoughts. Once dancing in his arms and seeing the bride and groom while looking over her husband's shoulder caused her to again recall her youth and meeting Vince. As a high school student she caught Vince's attention during a visit to the local community college. His blue eyes, bright smile, angular face and muscled body caused her heart to flutter. It was only a matter of days before he telephoned and asked her out.

Though she regretted how quickly their physical relationship developed, she always reminded herself that she would have married that July even if she had not been pregnant. She smiled that her daughter's marriage was getting off to better start. She and Vince did not have much time to become a couple before they were a family by Thanksgiving. She also hoped that Jeff would be more attentive to her needs and desires as the years passed than Vince had been to hers. Though she told herself she loved Vince, Tara had been feeling increasingly distant from her husband. The closeness and tenderness in their relationship had become thinner over the years. Seeing how Jeff interacted with Pam, the looks of admiration and love upon his face she wondered if Vince loved her anymore or if he truly loved her at all. As such a thought was more appropriate for another time, it was quickly pushed from her mind so she could just enjoy her daughter's joyous day.

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Following the wedding, Doris fell into going through daily duties by automation. She slept well past nine each morning and stayed up near or just past midnight. Though she was up in the rotation for teaching the summer high school, she willingly gave the opportunity to a young teacher. Though she accepted the marriage, life's cruel irony weighed upon her.

The third Sunday following the wedding Doris headed to the cottage Tara had inherited from her grandfather. The urgent matter Vince wanted to discuss when Royce was stranded in Denver was an invitation to time-share the cottage by buying a third stake. The foundation and the septic system needed serious repairs and the Andersons could not afford all the repairs. If she had only known, her relationship with Vince may never have recommenced.

Royce started a two week vacation a week later. In the meantime she would be alone as Tara and Vince were off visiting her parents on the Outer Banks. Wednesday morning Doris was shocked by the image in the mirror. Her hair was unkempt. Sunken eyes and pale skin from a lack of quality sleep gave her a drugged look. At that moment Doris realized she was moving rapidly toward a deep depression.

After a hot shower, she paddled her kayak along the lake for nearly four hours. During her journey she listened to the birds, watched the wildlife and observed the diversity and beauty of life. She needed to be in her personal life more like she was in her professional life. At the school she was clear and took charge.

Her mind suddenly recalled what she often told her students, "life always has problems, some are nice problems to have, some are not so nice. Regardless of the problem, the questions are the same. Are you going to allow it to unduly control you and rob you of your joy? Is the problem that big that it should control or even destroy your future? Or are you going to take charge and set a positive direction?" She reminded herself to practice what she taught. As she watched her paddle leave the water, which quickly displayed no sign of having been disturbed, she thought that she should be like the water. She would accept the effects of life's impacts, respond quickly and close around the disturbed areas, then show no trace of the impact once the ripples ended. At that moment she felt a burden lift. She was not going to allow her shame to control her.

Wednesday evening and Thursday she worked vigorously to clean the grounds and the cottage. Friday, a 9:00 AM visit to the hair salon and spa at an upscale resort helped immensely. The makeover helped to seal her transformed spirits. A trip to two local boutiques completed her preparation. She hummed and sang as she drove back to the cottage. Arriving at the lake just before 3:30 she noticed the blinking light on the answering machine. Wendy, Royce's secretary, said her husband had left the office at 3:10.

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Things that day did not go as planned for Royce to leave at one o'clock. His boss asked for a thirty minute meeting at one-thirty. The meeting lasted nearly an hour and then he had to connect with two of his staff to give them new assignments. By the time he got to his car, the expressway traffic was starting to build, which delayed him further in getting north of the city. By the time he got to the edge of the city, northbound traffic was heavier than he desired. Yet, he was pleased to be ahead of the crawling cottage traffic that he would have found if he had left at 4:40, as usual.

As he drove, Royce's thoughts moved from his recent promotion to his wife. Thinking of Doris usually brought a smile to his face. This time he frowned. If he had to do a performance evaluation on the current state of their marriage the evaluation could not be any better than marginally acceptable. While he could not say why, his wife was occasionally depressed and distant, more so in the last year. There was a tension that was pushing them slowly apart. He could not for the life of him identify the nature and issue, and efforts to get her to talk were rebuffed. Since New Year's, Doris was even moodier and her melancholy periods were more pronounced and more frequent. He asked himself aloud, "do I still love her?"

He recalled scenes from their dating and first years of marriage. Those were happy days. They were so in love and free with high energy to match their big dreams.

Royce and Doris met in a fall educational psychology class during his sophomore year. She was a lively, vivacious junior education student. He was a quiet business administration major with a minor in psychology. It was not until two months later, while volunteering one Saturday at a local nonprofit agency, that he asked her out on their first date.

It was not long before he was aware though they seemed so different, they meshed well and shared similar views on a host of issues. He also learned that though Doris projected self-confidence, she was also very sensitive to how others viewed her. Another which irritated him but he learned to accept was that she desired for him to make a range of relationship decisions. Eventually, they came to dialogue and arrive at mutual decisions, but there were always moments when she would just relinquish control to him. What attracted him most was how her encouragement made him feel good about himself and the passion she had for him.

Royce laughed at how quickly he fell in love with Doris. Soon after they started dating he was thinking each day of nothing more than to bring a gleam to her eyes. It was natural for him to love and protect her.

Because his parents taught him to respect a lady and not to manipulate women, Royce did not seduce Doris into his bed. Though he knew he could manipulate her into his bed, he did not do so. Instead he sought to empower her and build her self esteem so she gave less concern about the opinions of others. They decided together to wait until the time was right to have sex. When he asked her to marry him in April, they knew that the right time would not be until their wedding night.

They wedded a week after his graduation the following May. They focused upon getting themselves established and advancing in their professional lives. Royce put in longer hours than expected and was promoted. The second promotion gave him the opportunity to transfer to the city near the town of his youth. Unfortunately, only his sister remained in the area as his parents had relocated to Arizona three years before.

As he drove, Royce laughed and cried inwardly as he recalled the family joys and disappointments they shared together. He maintained the yard and worked hard to keep the house and their pool in good repair. Every morning and evening, weather permitting, Royce swam laps for a half hour. Life was not exciting but it was good, with each settling into defined roles. Every day they told each other that they loved the other, held hands and were passionate in their love for one another.

He was proud that twice Doris won the "Teacher of Year Award" given by the local weekly paper. Though they cuddled often and supported each other without question, there were days when Doris' joie de vivre was gone. He often wondered if he had done something to hurt her. For months he thought it may have been because he had looked lustfully at Randi, a young neighbor, and Tara during a party. He had drunk too much and found himself openly lusting the two neighbors. He dismissed this possibility two years later when he could not discover any pattern in his actions or words that brought on her downcast periods.

As he was filling the car with gas he recalled that Doris' negative periods started around the birth of Jeffery. Since the birth of their son, Doris's figure had become softer and rounded. Her thin torso and narrow waist were memories recalled in pictures. Yet, the more developed, mature Doris stirred him repeatedly. Until that moment he had never traced the changes to the birth of Jeff. Biological developments and biochemical changes could explain her swings. The realization disturbed him and comforted him. Royce was troubled that he had not caught it before. Yet, he was comforted that her mood changes were likely biologically rooted. With that new insight he knew he would be more patient and understanding.

Yet, still hanging was the question, "do I still love her?" He was haunted by the question until he came to the country road leading to the lake. He pulled onto the shoulder at the crest of the hill. As he stood by the car and took in the vista with the shimmering lake surrounded by a blanket of green Royce realized that though the passion was not expressed the same as in their younger years, he definitely loved his wife dearly. He would feel empty if she was not in his home and in his bed. He smiled and nodded. He took a deep breath as he realized that the passions and the expression of their love had changed and deepened over the years. His desire to bring Doris only happiness and fulfillment remained unchanged even if the means and expression had changed. Without thinking he would put himself in harm's way to protect her.

He could not fault his wife for the state of their marriage if he had not been patient and understanding. As with most relationship issues, when it came to lovemaking Doris more often than not waited for him to take the lead. As he continued to look at the vista he remembered that his wife could be a dynamic excited lover when he pushed the right buttons. She had a wild side that she kept in check. Occasionally her wildness flared, when her passion was high and she let herself just go. They did not cuddle as frequently or walk through the malls holding hands as often. He had been negligent in taking the initiative whether holding hands in the mall, cuddling in the living room or being intimate in the bedroom. Royce accepted responsibility for not fueling Doris' fire. Leaning against his car he decided he needed to be more intentional with his. It was past time to rediscover the passion of the early years.

Upon his arrival at the cottage Royce found the barbeque tools spread on the deck table. The barbeque was ready to be fired. His wife, who was taking a bath behind a locked door, called out that the steaks were in the refrigerator. Returning with the cooked T-bones, he found Doris standing by the table dressed in a deep pink satin lingerie gown. His eyes fell upon the fruit that rested within the deep V-neck. As she opened a bottle of Merlot, he smiled, knowing that she had the same thoughts on her mind.

Throughout the meal they said very little as they gazed into each other's eyes in the candle light. Doris studied her husband's face afresh. It had been too long since she studied the features of his face and smile. After opening a second bottle, Doris rose. She led her husband over to the sofa and the crackling fireplace.

Sitting Royce upon the sofa, she positioned herself across his lap. With her arms around his neck Doris kissed her husband. Their mouths parted as they continued to kiss with a growing depth of love and need. Her right hand danced through his hair as the other stroked his back. Between kisses she was placing on his neck, she whispered expressions of love. Her eyes locked upon his as she slithered down him and onto her knees. His eyes widened as she took a subservient position before him.

Ever so slowly, she undid his belt, his pants and drew them, along with his boxers, down and over his feet. She could not recall when she had last done this for her husband. She thought it had been too long since she had serviced him in this manner. Starting with her lips on his left knee she sensuously created a trail of kisses toward his yet untouched manhood. All along the entire erotic trail to his hard cock her eyes remained fixed upon his.

Royce not only relished the experience but was thrilled by his wife's initiative. Taking the initiative in such a subservient manner excited him. He found himself excited by the idea of his wife becoming subservient to him at her initiative. In her mind she was not showing initiative as much as affirming and demonstrating her love, that she would be willing to love him in any manner he so desired. She loved her man, even though many would say otherwise by her actions. In a distorted sense of logic, she felt that what she was doing with Vince was because of her love for her husband. Vince was a threat to their happiness and fulfillment. Now that she had crossed the line, she would do anything to protect her husband from the painful truth.