CHAPTER 1
Elwood Chaplin's maternal grandmother always said Elwood was rather near the end of the line when brains were handed out. That told one something about grandma but perhaps gave an impression of Elwood not altogether accurate.
Woody, as Elwood became dubbed, had ended school at eighteen with no one including Woody believing he ought to go on to college. But for every downside there's an upside, and so it was for him. Through generating an appallingly low school attendance record Woody acquired one of life's great gifts -- a street education.
On days when not at school Woody learned how to break into homes and warehouses; how to recruit clients for prostitutes for commission; how to drive cars and assorted other vehicles and then steal them; how to negotiate with gang leaders to save his neck; how to wear smart clothes (stolen of course) and wear them with style and how to hand any woman a rose, eye her in a certain way, and she'd sit him down and cook him a hot meal.
Jobs were scarce at the time Woody emerged on to the labor market and so he behaved gallantly. He applied for recruitment into the military and was snapped up by the navy when claiming he'd never gotten sea sick and loved killing animals with a rifle and had run with a gang that blew up vehicles, derelict houses and sea protection walls for fun.
Alas, when asked in what capacity he wished to serve, the attention of the recruiting officer wandered when a pair of pretty legs went past and he misheard 'gunner' and wrote plumber. So five years later -- and that was yesterday -- Woody was tossed out of the Navy as a fully qualified plumber. The reasons for his ejection were highly classified. In return for undertaking to keep his mouth shut Eddie was handed a big check and he planned to use that windfall to buy himself a small apartment with two vehicle parks in the basement.
* * *
Wondering whether he would have been tossed out of the Navy if found active in bed with a lieutenant's wife whereas it had been caught active in bed with the wives of the admiral and captain of the carrier he was serving on at the time, Woody checked into a flea-bitten hotel. He complained next morning that fleas had bitten him.
"Just a moment sir. That's the owner checking the safe. I shall report the alleged incident."
The burly owner came over and said, "Have you paid for your room?"
"Yeah, the eyebrow plucking babe at the counter last night said I had to pay in advance."
"Then fuck off. Our fleas only bite scum. And don't you dare walk off with any of our fleas."
Everyone laughed.
"Have a nice day everyone," Woody smiled
The owner grinned and called Woody a geek masturbator.
Waiting for the big guy to return behind the counter Woody said, "And I suppose you enjoy having your way with women?"
"Yeah but I make sure they are without fleas."
The women behind the counter and people lining up for second breakfast laughed.
"Were you aware that woman you fucked last night was your mother?"
The big guy turned purple and attempted to vault the barrier to get at Woody but fell well short, screaming and clutching his balls as he fell to the ground, creating pandemonium.
Woody left whistling and decided that guy ought not to be in business; he was a menace to hotel patrons that he was in business to serve and to protect. He turned into the back street and entered the hotel basement and picked the lock to the boiler room. Woody redlined the gas flow and when he could smell excessive gas left.
Fifteen minutes later he made an anonymous call from a street phone reporting smelling excessive gas when he'd parked his truck in the basement of the Red Sunset Hotel.
"Hold and give me you name and address sir."
"Sorry, got to get my truck out of that building before it blows."
Woody joined onlookers watching the hotel being evacuated. Police and firemen then moved onlookers back and just in time. The boiler room blew, shaking the entire five floors of the flea-house. Watching TV that night, paying a bit more for a room that was guaranteed pest-free, Woody nodded approvingly when the newsreader reported that extensive structure damage meant the building would have to be demolished. He was relieved to hear no one had been injured.
Sucking a beer Woody mused, "I hope the building is uninsured or even grossly under-insured and that the percussion decimated the flea population."
Next morning the 23-year old attempted to open a bank account with the Navy-issued check. The teller looked at the amount on the check and who the issuer was and wide-eyed hit an alarm bell. Within half a minute security guards surrounded Woody. The day manager asked Woody to identify himself.
"I'm Woody."
"Your full name please."
"Elwood Augustus Chaplin."
"That's a funny name."
Scowling Woody asked the manager for his name.
"Herbert Maygrove."
Woody fell about laughing and most of the security guards were unable to keep a straight face.
"ID please," scowled the manager.
Eddie handed him his passport, driver license and navy discharge papers.
"Why are you in possession of a check of this magnitude?"
"I'm not permitted to say. Call navy HQ and check with Admiral Lahore Gurganus's office. Ask for the chief administration officer."
While the manager hurried off to make the call one of the security guys asked, "What did you do in the navy?"
"I was a plumber."
"The navy has gunners, not plumbers."
"Oh yeah. Well dummy, think about it. You are a thousand miles out at sea and the john blocks and sailors still use it and it begins to fill. Do you stand by and gawk and feel the carrier sinking or do you call urgently for a plumber. Who ensures the water reticulates and wastewater is dumped, the showers supply water and it drains off as it's supposed to. And all that rainwater falling on to the ship, what happens if the drains block?"
"Christ," said the guard. "You plumber guys must be high up in status"
"Yeah, I was in line to be made vice-admiral one day but I fouled up."
The guards gathered around Woody.
"One of the officers had it in for me because I wouldn't sleep with him. So when that gunnery officer was commanding a training exercise he prepared to fire a practice missile. I had a CD of an explosion in my portable player so I blasted it out as I walked past and there was near mayhem as he and his trainees scrambled to evacuate, proving there were no heroes amongst them I said in my defense. But I still spent a week in the cooler and had my pay cut."
The guards, now looking at Woody with respect, laughed just as the flushed manager hurried out.
"Mr Chaplin. We are so sorry. We have made a terrible misjudgment and embarrassed you."
"Utterly humiliated me," Woody insisted and the security guys nodded as one.
"Ah yes. Consider your account open and please accompany me to the president's office. We have a plan of how to compensate you."
"Bye boys," Woody waved to the guards who called "Bye Mr Chaplin."
The bank paid $2000 into Woody's account and placed him in a penthouse suite at the 5-star hotel of his choice ('the one with the best swimming pool with the sexiest women and the best bar' was the request) for five nights, room and all reasonable hotel service expenses paid.
After booking into his suite Woody bought a red rose and walked into a real estate agency and gave it to the sexiest looking receptionist.
"I want you to show me apartments."
"I don't show sir; I'm a receptionist."
"Then give that rose to a sexy saleswoman and tell her to show me apartments."
A horse-faced woman came out and returned the rose. "You are rather young to have saved enough money to buy an apartment. You mean rent one don't you?"
