He'd only seen her once since she'd been back. He figured the worst was probably over. He'd hated the way she looked then, the way she smelled. It brought all the memories rushing back to his gut. The three months she'd been gone had been both a blessing and a torture. He'd moved on. Found a girl less than a month after she'd left. Not that it was hard for him, it never had been. The easy ones all wanted him, always had. Of course that threw Chora's integrity and grace into harsh relief against their obviousness. He'd admired her, thought her classy. Her way with guys blew him away while her relationships always left him conflicted. He'd find himself ready to throttle the latest asshole to make her cry and at the same time, relieved to the core that she was rid of him. The years of being her closest friend, and no more, had left him bitter and tired.
He hated her now, he'd decided while she was gone. That's what he wanted to feel now. Love had just pissed him off and left him empty. But deep inside he feared that he couldn't believe it, not really. Not her. She hadn't done anything, hadn't meant to hurt him. As much as he wanted to blame her he knew it was the cowardly thing to do. She may not have wanted him back but you couldn't really blame her for that. She continued being a great friend. He could have walked away at any time, maybe he should have.
No, he thought with self-loathing, you had to wait until she was out of the country before you screwed up the courage to move on.
That thought had the frustrations starting to get the better of him again. He shook it off. Well, if I can't hate her I can still act like I hate her. He needed to lash out and he didn't care if it was fair or not. Knowing he was being childish stopped him from seeking her out to confront her but he didn't know if his self-control would hold when she came to him. He felt certain she would.
As the days went by without her his attitude grew worse. He was cranky with the people around him and knew it was stupid. He simply couldn't find the strength to care. He began to think ruefully of what he would do if he ever did lay his eyes on her.
He just hadn't anticipated she would be so mad. He didn't mind her this way though. She was glorious when she was angry. Her color was heightened and her eyes danced.
"How dare you?" The question was out of her mouth before he even had the door fully open.
"Chora", he responded calmly, which she hadn't expected. It made her hesitate just a moment.
"How dare you?" This time she added a shove at his chest that moved him enough for her to pass into the apartment. He closed the door and followed her into the living room. He kept his hands in his pockets and was concentrating on keeping his breathing calm. Her obvious irritation was like adding fuel to the fire. She'd been out of his life for three months and now the intensity of the moment brought the recent lack of their intimacy to center stage in his mind.
"You'll have to be more specific, kid." The dry, almost cynical, use of the nickname he'd given her, which had been unanimously adopted by their almost exclusively male circle of friends, had her angry shell cracking.
He saw hurt underneath and instantly realized anger was better. He hadn't meant that reaction, it was supposed to be mocking. The guys had pretty much let go of the nickname, but Ben had never quite given it up and it wound up his personal endearment for her again.
"How dare you shun me like this? How dare you act like I've done something wrong?" The bite was substantially less acidic but the prickles were back.
"Oh that's rich. That phone receives calls too you know. Don't barge in here like a whiny teenage girl about me not calling you. I've got a life." Her look of hurt stabbed at him and he wondered what response he'd even wanted out of her. "Look, just go. I'm tired and cranky. Ignore me."
"Why are you mad at me? What did I ever do to you?"
He stared at her for a few tense moments. Words streamed through his head that he had no intention of sharing. He noticed her studying his face and snapped back from his musings.
"Or maybe its what I didn't ever do to you?" She seemed intent, serious. Concerned even. It brought his anger back to the surface.
"Fuck off. Don't give me that shit." His mind was scrambling.
"I've been talking to the girls this morning." His eyes met hers and he went still at the implications.
"And what did the girls have to say?" This was leading somewhere big. He could feel it building, growing.
"Why didn't you tell me?" She was getting excited again while he remained deadly calm.
"What did they say, Chora?" Her stomach was in her throat. She just wanted to grab hold of him and make everything ok. She wasn't good at tense moments, she was awkward. He seemed on the edge of something. What if they were wrong? She could feel the panic rising in her. She opened her eyes to meet his and knew they'd been right. How had she not seen it before. Tears came to her eyes but didn't spill over. "Jesus, you're killing me kid. You've got looks that could slay a man." His friendly shift had her relaxing. "What did they say?" He asked her slowly and she knew he understood the situation. She took a deep breath and prepared to change the most important relationship in her life.
"They said you've been acting mad at me because you have feelings for me. And and that you have for a while."
"And what did you say?" She was exasperated by his calmness. Just like him too.
"What? Ben. That's not the "
"What did you say?"
"I said, 'what the fuck are you talking about? No, he's not. What are you guys, drunk?' And more things along those lines.
"Don't give me that."
