"What? Haven't you ever seen a girl pee before?" She stuck her tongue out at me.
"Ummm, no, I haven't."
She made another of her enigmatic half-smiles.
"We'll have to see what we can do about that."
She pulled a length of paper from the roll, wrapped it several times around two fingers and wiped herself.
"I would have thought," she said with no small amount of skepticism as she cleaned herself, "that after dating my sister for a few years and engaged for nearly a year, you would have seen just about all there is to see of Jennifer's girl bits and how they work."
"Not really." It came out like a confession. It felt like a confession when I said it.
"She was always shy around me," I added. "I don't know if 'shy' is the best way to put it, but I'll go with that."
I suddenly felt uneasy and angry. Hayleigh had unknowingly touched a sore spot.
"Then what would be a better way to put it?"
She was still sitting down with her shorts puddled around her cute little bare feet, which compounded my unease because I was starting to get aroused by the whole setup.
I wasn't sure how much I should tell her. Hayleigh had always been able to draw me out when she wanted to talk about something, but this wasn't like our usual lake house late night gossip and politics and life philosophy talks. It had never been so intimately personal. What the hell, I might as well tell her.
"How would I put it? One of the reasons that I was so volcanically pissed off about what Jennifer did with David at the church is that she had never acted that way with me. Not once ever. Not even close."
Hayleigh's confusion was evident. She made that face a person makes when what's being said makes no sense at all. I plowed ahead, my unbidden anger building.
"As I told you before, I don't talk about things I have done with other women. Not that there have been many, but still. But this is a really weird situation. At least I think it is, so I'm going to make an exception to tell you about me and Jennifer, but this strictly between us." She nodded somberly.
For the first time Hayleigh didn't already have more information than I did about her sister's activities, but she sensed that she had inadvertently stumbled onto something that was eating at me. And I sensed that it made her uneasy to be totally in the dark for a change.
"I didn't recognize the Jennifer who was in the church. We'd had sex, of course, but with me she was never that, I don't know, enthusiastic. With us it was usually straight missionary and done. She would sometimes agree to other positions, but I always had to ask. And then there she was with some other guy, really going at it. And then the whole blowjob thing she did. I ALWAYS had to ask for that. He didn't even have to hint, much less ask, and she just went to town on him like she was auditioning for a porn flick." My exasperation billowed. "Jesus, Hayleigh, you saw the video!"
For some reason Hayleigh looked as upset as I felt. I assumed that it hurt her to be reminded of David two-timing her and Jennifer betraying her. A-holes.
"Did you talk to her about it? Did you try to tell her what you wanted?"
"Yes, several times, and things would get better for a while. She wouldn't put up a fuss about oral or different positions if I hinted, but it was obvious that she wasn't into it. Then it would quickly go back as it was before, where I had to ask. So I just stopped asking. Having to ask every time starts to feel like begging, and no guy likes to have to beg. Begging is pathetic, you know? She would let me do oral to her, but it was a one-way street. I thought I satisfied her overall, but I don't know now. I really don't know. I must not have, or she wouldn't have been cheating on me, right? Maybe my dick is just too damn small. David is a lot bigger than I am. Could be I'm just lousy in bed."
I was thankful that she didn't laugh at me, but I still felt liking crawling into a hole and disappearing. For some reason my need to vent overcame the good sense to shut the fuck up.
"And she really didn't like me to just look at her when she was, well, exposed. Never ever. I absolutely was not allowed in the bathroom with her. Casual nudity, like we are now, that just didn't happen. She didn't even like to be in only her bra & panties around me. She said it made her 'uncomfortable' if I checked her out. Like I wasn't supposed to look at her!"
I hadn't noticed that Hayleigh had covered her half-open mouth with her hands while I was talking. She was wide-eyed when I stopped venting. Was she laughing at me and trying to hide it? Probably. She had to have been laughing. Not that I didn't deserve to be laughed at. Cucked at my own wedding was bad enough without this sad tale of rejections and frustration. Whoever says that it's good to get things off your chest is full of shit to the brim. Admitting bedroom fails is like being beaten with a stick, except you're the one holding the stick.
"Damn! And you were going to marry her?"
I felt deeply ashamed, and incredibly foolish. All of my pent-up anger at Jennifer roiled up and redirected itself inward. I was far to humiliated to look at Hayleigh anymore, so I stared straight ahead and nodded silently. Thus far I had managed to push away the fact that I was a pathetic loser, first by getting drunk and then by seizing on this ill-conceived trip with Hayleigh. It occurred to me at long last that maybe the real reason I asked Hayleigh with me on this trip was to convince myself that I wasn't that much of a loser. Still, a reckoning was owed, and here it was, ready to collect. I WAS a fucking loser, and a colossal idiot to boot. Cucked at my own wedding was just an exclamation point. I knew it, and now Hayleigh knew it. Better that she found out now. Only by raw force of will was I able to hold back breaking down, which I regarded as a small but significant mercy from a God who must surely hate me.
Hayleigh realized immediately that her question did some damage, albeit unintended. She reached out and took my hand in hers. I tried to pull it away, but she kept a firm grip.
"I'm so sorry, I didn't at all mean that the way it sounded!"
I still couldn't look at her. She went on, keeping a death grip on my hand.
"What I meant was that she was treating you like crap, even if my piece of shit ex-boyfriend wasn't in the picture. You should have walked away a long time ago and never looked back. Why didn't you?"
As I said, Hayleigh had stumbled onto a sore spot, one that I had pushed to the side for too long. I decided I might as well answer, even if the answer sounded naive and stupid when my jumbled thoughts gelled into actual words.
"I figured that passion usually cools down with all couples, and after being together for as long as we were, well, that it was normal. That we were normal. Like I told you, I don't share my exploits with friends, so I didn't have the benefit of other guys telling me how messed up things were with Jennifer. And I loved her. She was fun to be with, and smart, and pretty. I guess I convinced myself that the sex part of our relationship would get better after we married and things worked themselves out. That Jennifer would loosen up. Or something like that. I don't know. As I look back on it, the passion had really cooled off for her, and now that I have more info I see that things really started going downhill about the same time she met Shit-stain. I see now that I pushed that issue aside even as it was staring me in the face. I was foolish, and I've paid for it, big time. And I was emotionally invested in marrying her; I see that now too. Doesn't matter any more. I'm done with her."
Hayleigh didn't believe me about being done with Jennifer. And to be fair, I couldn't blame her.
"I don't think so, Tom. You're furious with Jennifer. And you should be! But you were in love with her. You can't flick a switch and turn that off."
This time I paused to organize my thoughts before I spoke.
"You're wrong about that. Yes, I AM furious with her. I don't want to physically harm her, but ANY affection I had for her is totally gone. She's dead to me, as they say. I don't even want an apology from her. I'm sure that I'll run into her sooner or later, but I'd just as soon never see or speak to her again. Switch flicked."
Neither of us said anything for what seemed like a long time. Hayleigh finally stood up and fully stepped out of her clothes that had pooled at her feet.
"Come on, you had something in mind when you woke up, and this girl has serious needs that require your participation!"
She tried to pull me along with her toward the bedroom, but I let go of her hand. My battered male ego convinced me that Hayleigh was proffering a charity fuck. If there's a thing worse than a mercy fuck it would be a charity fuck, and that's how it would have felt to me right then. Despite my proclamations that Jennifer was in my review mirror, she was fully living in my head rent free. Hayleigh stopped at the doorway and looked at me with the saddest eyes.
"Why don't we just grab some breakfast first instead," I said as nonchalantly as I could muster. "I think that's best for right now. You can have the bedroom to get dressed, and I'll get ready in here."
She didn't try to change my mind, thankfully. Coaxing me would have only made things worse.
"OK," she said sadly, "but don't think you're off the hook."
She went into the bedroom, and I gave her a minute or so to get a change of clothes on before I went in to grab something from my suitcase. When I came in she was almost ready to go. Even as low as I was feeling the mere sight of her tugged at something in my core. She had picked a pair of modest mid-length shorts that showcased her incredible legs, and a knit polo that showed just enough of her midriff to catch the eye. I should have said something about how good she looked, but I was foolishly too lost in my introspection and self pity. I just stood there, staring off at the window to the beach. It was fun while it lasted, but my father was right; the trip was a mistake. Instead of exorcising my demons I gave them a big, brand new playground.
