Tessa opened the closet door looking for the blouse and skirt she wanted to wear for Duncan that night. The closet was sparse, nearly bare of all clothes. She didn't have many clothes to start with but the bulk of what she did have was now residing in Duncan's closet. Tessa lifted a rueful brow. It wasn't just the contents of her closet at Duncan's house.
Most of the things in her bathroom were items she usually took when she traveled since her regular toiletries were in Duncan's bathroom. There was nothing worth mentioning in her fridge. She suspected that what food she did have in there turned to penicillin a while ago. Her cupboards were also bare.
Why didn't she move in with Duncan, she wondered. It wouldn't be very hard. The only things left to move were furniture, electronic equipment, some dishes, and a few odds and ends she hadn't taken over there already.
"Are you listening to me?" Jessie impatiently asked from her perch on Tessa's bed.
"No," replied Tessa. She scratched her chin and started thinking about the pros and cons of moving in with her boyfriend, drowning out her friend's incessant chatter.
Jessie had followed her from the Junior High softball diamond, to the high school game where Tessa had stood in as coach for one of her sick friends, and finally back to her apartment. The whole time Jessie chatted away about her feelings, thoughts, and questions concerning Danny. Tessa stopped listening when Jessie started to become redundant. The woman went round and round, circling over the main problem, yet not landing on it.
"What do you think?" Jessie's question brought Tessa back from her musings again.
It was the fiftieth time she asked that question. Tessa had long since reverted to shrugging half way through the high school game when the answer "marry the man" didn't work. It started to make Tessa think the question was rhetorical, but she decided to throw out a different answer this time. Simply because she was sick and tired of listening to Jessie's constant jabbering about a situation that was ridiculously basic. It was Jessie's stubbornness that made it difficult.
Taking a deep, fortifying breath she turned to her friend and said, "Jessie, you're afraid to say yes even though you desperately want too. He hurt you badly in the past and you don't want to revisit that pain again if he decides to up and dump you again." Tessa sat beside Jessie on the bed and continued, "If you set aside that sense of betrayal you feel, you'll see that you still love him - have loved him all along. Why else would you still be wearing the fire truck charm he gave you? If you don't fight for love, then it's not worth it. I told Danny the same thing."
Jessie turned wide eyes to her asking, "You talked to Danny about me?"
"Of course I did! He asked me for advice. There aren't many men willing to do that. I think it shows determination. It shows that he means forever this time." Tessa gave her friend a companionable nudge with her shoulder.
Laying back on the bed, Jessie stared at the ceiling and said, "There's nothing I can do but to give him a second chance. I don't want to let him go and there's no reason to keep fighting with myself...other than stubbornness."
Tessa let out a snort of laughter. "Stubbornness is your middle name. I'm not surprised you're trying to fight your feelings for Danny. It's annoying having to listen to the two of you."
Jessie looked around the bedroom for a clock and found none. "What time is it?" she asked.
Lifting her arm, Tessa read her wristwatch. "Looks like half past five."
"I think Danny's waited long enough. Time to tell him the good news!" Jessie hopped up and started for the front door.
"Good for you! Have fun with all the sex!" Tessa yelled after here.
When she heard the door close, Tessa dubiously eyed the blouse and skirt hanging in her closet. The last time she wore women's clothes Jessie was there to help. Since she's currently taking care of her own problems Tessa was on her own.
She thought it was a good thing that Duncan made no mention of make-up and shoes in his demand. Jessie supplied the make-up last time because Tessa didn't even own a tube of lipstick. As for shoes...
Tessa looked down at her bad knee. The swelling had gone down considerably. Instead of a watermelon, her knee looked rounded like a softball was lodged between her calf and thigh. She could bend it at a ninety-degree angle, but not all the way back. Even after all the progress she wouldn't be able to walk around in high heels for another day. Duncan would have to live with her flats.
--~~--
He wasn't there. Jessie came back to her house expecting Danny to be impatiently waiting for her. Instead, she came back to emptiness and a clean kitchen.
Anxious to tell him her decision, she left her house and had gone to the firehouse looking for him only to find everyone out on a call. Even though it was his day off, he could have gone out with the unit when the fire alarm went off. Ted was lurking around the back of the brick building. Jessie suspected he was hiding from his wife and kids again.
She cornered him and asked if he'd seen Danny. He had not. Jessie sighed her dismay. She thought to go over to his place and see if he was waiting for her there.
When her hand hit the doorknob to the front door, she realized she had no clue where he lived. She doubted that he lived in his old house since it had been sold to a family five months after his family moved.
Jessie used to go by his empty house constantly like an obsessive stalker with nothing but the subject's remains to stalk. She stopped her late-night reminiscent drive-bys the day the house was sold. Her forehead hit the wood of the front door with a loud "thud."
She damned herself and her insistence on having their liaisons at her house. It was her need for control -- albeit a false sense of control - which demanded everything sex related was done in an environment that she could manage. If she had misread any of the men she propositioned, they could have easily overtaken her even in her own home. Jessie admitted that she wasn't as muscular as Tessa, nor did she have her friend's formidable height.
It was daunting acknowledging a brutal truth about herself. The drama queen persona she had adopted the day Tessa was injured was nothing but a ruse, a mask to fool the people around her. She had been doing it for so long that she even started to believe it herself. Until now.
Jessie realized she was still the dreamy teen Danny had left behind. She had held onto that charm in the desperate hope that he would come back to her. It was a symbol that others might take of her body, but they would never claim her heart and her soul because Danny owned those.
She lifted her head and glimpsed her reflection in the pane of glass that was part of the door. There were tears running down her face. Her crying didn't surprise her.
Only Danny could make her cry. She had been a tough little girl, an even tougher teenager, and a cold hearted, warm bodied drama queen that never cried. The night he told her the story of his scars she cried for the little boy who couldn't save his father, the night he dumped her she cried buckets of tears for a week, and then again last night when he had confessed to her.
A shake of her head cleared her wandering thoughts. Her main objective was to talk to Danny. She was going to have to go back to her own house until he either called or decided to show up. The most she could do was call his cell phone and leave a message.
She made him wait for her. It was fair that he mad her wait too.
--~~--
After Jessie left, Tessa checked her cell phone to see if she had any messages. Duncan's number showed on the caller ID along with the voicemail icon. With her best friend pestering her, she had forgotten the circumstances with which she left him that morning. At least he hadn't hunted her down to bring her back home. Although, according to the message, he had seriously thought about it.
Even though he didn't take such drastic action, he warned her he would tie her to the bed next time if her knee was worse or did not look better. She thought about his threat and came to the conclusion she only liked the idea if her knee wasn't involved.
The message went on to add that he picked up her car with Ted's help and, he was helping Ted work on his classic truck restoration project in return. Duncan also made sure to remind her of the promise she made.
Tessa snorted at the reminder. As if she would forget when he had made his demand so eloquently. She shivered with the images of his harsh face as he mastered her body and bent her tomboyish nature to his will. There was a secret hope that he would do it again in the future.
Through the three years of their relationship, Tessa had expected their sex life to grow predictable, the pleasure dim over time. It never happened. Their physical relationship held a certain amount of spontaneity. Sometimes, without reason or provocation, they would pounce on each other like horny rabbits. Occasionally, he would talk dirty to her and encouraged her to do the same. Then there were the intense moments when they expressed their love. She savored those, held them close to her heart.
He said he loved her every night before he left for the firehouse, even on his days off. Tessa used her body to say the words. She did say them every once in a while, but thought they sounded droll, fake even. They didn't seem to convey the depth and scope of her love for him. Duncan was able to say the words in a way that made them sound poetic. His deep, rich voice caressed every syllable just like he caressed every inch of her body. Considering this, Tessa felt she did it better by showing him.
It was certainly hypocritical of her, especially in light of what she told Danny about a man's habit of physically expressing love. Men would know if women loved them by a certain touch. Right? If they didn't, they still assumed women loved them. They didn't crave to hear the words like women did.
She shrugged negligently and pushed the thoughts aside throwing the cell phone on the bed. Tessa looked at herself in the full-length mirror, twisting and turning to scrutinize her outfit. She had taken her time in getting ready to see Duncan, even going shopping for lipstick of her own. To her, the outfit wasn't right without a bit of make-up.
She put a little on her lips, making sure to carefully color inside the lines. Pressing her lips together a few times, she stepped back from the mirror and took in the full scope of her outfit again. She nodded to herself in satisfaction thinking she looked perfect.
