Much has been made of the importance of touch. When you consider the significance religions place on laying on with hands, or even the act of dubbing a new made Sir with a sword, touch is vital.
Hugs and handshakes, pats on the back and the soothing brushing out of a child's hair all harken the importance. Until you have experienced the harshness of touch. Once you have trusted hands to hold you, the shock and weariness that abuse brings from a partner changes everything you come to believe.
It isn't a topic that flows off the pen, but it is a necessity for an artist who can't seem to look at it and deal any other way. The same way that we write and draw our horrors in order to deem them real, writing about abuse brings me a catharsis especially introducing you to Andrea.
We had met about 5 months after I got my restraining order from my ex. It was on a singles Facebook group which I was part of, though there was no evidence that I was in any way ready to date. I was lonely. That's all I knew and somehow still idealized relationships as a bastion of safety despite being consistently smacked and strangled. I chalked it up to ignorance or naivete as to why I was there searching for love. Stubbornness is closer to the mark. I think it was a hope that I had passed through abuse and something positive must be out there.
Chatting was always easy for me but it was hard to connect with some women. The forums quickly turn into a pissing match between guys who fall back on that base machismo in order to attract a mate. Little excuses to throw manly shade at a fellow man quickly make me slide away from confrontation.
Andrea was a new member of our male heavy group and from a sweet profile picture consisting of her thick blonde French braid resting near a stethoscope around her neck with big blue eyes smiling by themselves to the camera, she became the flavor of the day.
We chatted in some posts but the alpha makes always seemed to overtake the conversation and I knew it wouldn't be long until I saw one ask for permission to message her and I'd be out of luck. One post was about red flags and I stated that I would never abide being struck or hit in any way. This garnered one response "why, you can't handle a feisty woman?" and still another "what, you can't fight back?"
Andrea was the only one to respond with any measure of care, a heart emoji and "can I message you?"
I had seen various people on the site apologize for their fellow singles ignorance regarding abuse and figured this would be a benign and courteous exchange. Andrea seemed a sweet person, if one picture can be used for such judgement, but so had my ex. I had yet to distinguish a "tell" regarding awful human beings.
"How long has it been since you've been no contact?" was her surprising DM.
I was taken aback at the knowing language of her message. How had she been able to read all that within a few lines? "It's been 5 months. How did you know?"
Andrea's "dot dot dot" went on as she wrote and intrigued me. "I can always tell. Have you been with anyone since?"
"no, I haven't." There was a lot more to say, I could explain the fear of being touched again or the hesitancy to let my guard down.
"it's hard, to actually let someone in, I totally get it." she had certainly read my mind.
"most people want to hook up and I get it, I'm fine with that. I just don't know if I can. I have to take things slower."
