The Wisdom of Time: A Woman's Decision Haunts Her. But Is Redemption Possible?
My first story published. I know it's long for a first-time publisher, but I didn't want to concern myself with where to end chapters. It's a story that has been in my mind for years. It's meant to be centered around grief and how that emotion messes with you so entirely. The focus is purposefully meant to be on thoughts, emotions, and how we as humans act while under the blanket of grief and regret. It's supposed to leave you feeling unfulfilled in some ways about the character's motivations and actions the same way we all can look back on decisions we've made and see where we could've done better. There is some sex and graphic words used because this is an erotic site, but mostly to give perspective and depth on how the characters manage the emotions while trying to move on and/or drown out the grief.
Grammar is corrected by Word under the "Casual writing" editor score, there was no proofreader. Born in Texas and schooled through the public education system there so if there's complaints about inevitable mistakes in grammar then write to our governor (ha). But really, I hope the mistakes don't take away from the story too much. A lot of the mistakes are going to be attributed to how we talk and the dialogue and thoughts reflect that.
Mean or nice, rest assured I'll read the comments.
Vanessa rolled over to cover up the all too familiar feelings of regret, shame, guilt, and the longing for a love lost to circumstance and decision. Each time after she met up with Darren, no matter how good the sex, she felt them at once afterwards. Even 4 years later, the feelings and emotions of her decision were still strong. She had only recently admitted to herself in therapy that they had grown even more than when she first felt them. She didn't know why, but about 11 months ago, these feelings suddenly became much more intense.
Her therapist thought it could be due to her own inability to forgive herself, or the universe, or just the circumstances. But Vanessa didn't care now, she wanted to be left alone. As she always did after sex since Blake.
"Man, every time, I swear it gets better, babe." She cringed, but he couldn't see. "I'm going to grab some water. Want any?"
"Sure." Was all she managed, anymore he'd know she was emotional, and they weren't there despite his efforts. She usually got past it in a matter of minutes. She heard him get up and looked over to see his chiseled dark naked body saunter out of her room and into the kitchen.
God, I should be in love with this man after all this time. He's gorgeous.
She thought back to when they met about 15 months ago at the coffee shop she frequents. She'd been going there for almost ten years. In fact, that's where she met Blake. Another pang of regret and longing struck her.
He had walked in, tall, dark well moisturized skin, fitted clothes snug to a very defined body, and a smile that instantly had her feeling a little lighter. He caught her looking at him and came over confidently after getting his own drink. She'd enjoyed the conversation quite a bit after getting over the guilt of meeting another man in her coffee shop. No,
OUR coffee shop
. She'd never not see Dana's Coffee Spot as the place her life improved exponentially thanks to that fateful day she met Blake.
She'd never had a thing for dark men, but Darren changed her mind after a couple meet ups. She refused to call them dates because they really weren't. She held back everything emotionally for a long while, but he broke down her walls enough eventually and she started allowing him to stay over and she did so at his place once or twice a week sometimes, too. But there was nothing deeper, at least for her.
A very generous and energetic lover, he gave her pleasure she'd not felt since the night before Blake left town with Sarah. Not in the same way Blake had always been able to please her, but Darren knew how to use his mouth and larger than average appendage to give Vanessa enough pleasure to keep coming back. She thought back to the first time they were intimate. She was intimidated by the large dark man, his words, his confidence, and then his dick. But he was the largest she'd ever had, and it took a while to get used to his size, but once she did, she was able receive immense pleasure. She even squirted some for the first time since Blake.
Not that there'd been anyone else since Blake. But her episodically ravenous masturbatory sessions had intermittently yielded incredibly wet releases. But before that morning with Darren, only Blake had ever gotten her to release fluids through physical intimacy. No, it wasn't to the level Blake would pull from her, but a welcome surprise in the moment, nonetheless.
For about 3 months, she felt as if she was beginning to move on and began to feel like Darren could be her future if she could get past her emotional barriers. But that one night 11 months ago, things changed. She and Darren had their usual raucous and voracious sexual episode and after she had finished him reverse cowgirl as he serenated her with praise she vibrated through an insanely intense orgasm. Moments later, the weight of the world fell on her soul. She had to run to the bathroom while he left to get water so he wouldn't see. But she was overwhelmed by the sheer force and weight of the emotions that struck her.
She cried for almost an hour and felt as if the universe was screaming at her to call Blake. But she couldn't. They hadn't spoken since that last night and although neither said the words, they both knew there could be absolutely no contact between the two. Even though he was moving a thousand miles away with Sarah, they both knew neither had a shot at really moving on if they had even a modicum of contact. Nonetheless, she had tried to call Denise to beg her for his number, but she never responded to her pleading voicemails.
Blake removed all his social media accounts and even changed his number. Vanessa found that out a year later on his birthday when, in a moment of weakness and extreme longing, she tried to call him. Last she'd heard, he and Sarah had settled into their new home together and he was doing well at his new promotion outside Charlotte. Sarah was apparently adjusting well too in her new life. After that, their old friends never gave any more information to her despite staying close to them. Vanessa only asked once too, about another year later, but something about the look on Denise's and John's faces told her not to ask. She still remembered how desperate they looked for her to drop it and she couldn't help but remember there was an immense sense of heartbreak present on their faces they couldn't mask. Somehow, something deep down in her took hold and acquiesced to their desire to be prodded no further. She would later wonder how, if she had asked, would they have given in? And if they had, would she have been able to support Blake and Sarah in the way she had so emphatically said she couldn't only a couple years prior. It haunted her and would for the rest of her life.
Nonetheless, ever since that night in the bathroom, she'd never developed anymore for Darren emotionally than the little she already had. The emotions had been eating away at her slowly and insidiously, and Darren had to be a little aware. They'd yet to ever really agree to be exclusive, and Vanessa knew he received a ton of attention from women. She had no doubt he probably had a few dalliances, but she couldn't really find it in herself to be angry or even jealous about it. He was an excellent lover and was able to fill a bit of a fantasy she never knew both she and he had, but most the novelty had worn out in the past year for her. For Darren, he still loved and fed off it.
"Alright babe, drink up, then let's see that ass bounce. I want to see you cum again for me."
Seeing him walking in and his large dark member swinging from side to side caused a stir in her already mildly sore loins. Even after dozens of intense sexual episodes with Darren, she still felt like he was a little too big for her small 5'2 125lb frame. She carried it well, a lot of it on her hips, a little on her small c cup chest. Darren loved her body almost as much as Blake did. But it could never be the same way. Blake quite literally worshipped her. She often remembered the nights Blake would just randomly pull her pants off and go through an entire regimen of oral, verbal, and physical worshipping of not only Vanessa's body, but also her soul. Of whom she was as a person. Her Blake had such an amazing way about him to use his words combined with his actions to make her feel like the only woman in the world.
But I can't think about that now. There's plenty of time for that later.
He stood still next to the bed and handed her water. His semi-erect dick only about a foot away from her head, she chugged the water and made her decision. Her emotions hadn't passed yet, but his dominant words caused a spike in her desire. It was becoming increasingly rarer for him to be able to overcome her slowly increasing intense waves of emotions after sex, but this time it worked. Her choice was the guilt-ridden emotions, or another distraction in the form of sexual release to a very attractive man.
So, she chose the latter, choosing to delay the emotions for a short period longer despite knowing it'd lead to a heavier weight after.
She finished the water and set the glass on the bedstand next to her. He was finishing his drink when she reached out and grabbed the heavy onyx member. Feeling it slowly begin to grow into its usual thick and longer state she began stroking it as she looked up at him and smiled. He finished his glass with a smirk and set it down next to her own empty glass.
