Chapter Seventeen
"Right now?" Fear crept into her voice.
"I can't not tell you, Alyssa," he said gently. "It's the reason we fought, the reason you fell down the stairs. But I need your promise..."
"What?" she asked, reaching out for his hand, knowing in her heart that she didn't want to hear his words. The fight had to have been terrible for her to have run from him the way they said she did. It had to be something utterly horrible. She wasn't sure she really wanted to know.
"You must promise that you won't run this time. If you can't stand seeing me, I'll leave. But I will not risk you or our baby being hurt." He tipped her chin up, seeing the fear in her eyes and knowing they echoed his own. "Promise me, love?"
"I...I promise, but - God, Jason, must we do it now?" The fear was overwhelming. She had never seen him show this kind of emotion.
"I've lived in fear since you woke that you'd wake or turn your head and I would see that same look of hatred you had the day you ran out of here. I can't live with that fear any longer, Alyssa, not after tonight. I love you with everything I am, I will love you like this the rest of my life. I don't think I'm capable of not loving you." He leaned down, kissing her lips gently, feeling her hands coming up and cupping his head, holding him there. He gladly complied, finally ending the kiss with a sigh.
He tilted his head, looking at her as if he were memorizing the way she looked; the curve of her chin, the hollow of her cheek, the way her fiery curls framed her beautiful face. And then he sighed again, sitting up with his back to her.
"Do you remember the day we met, out in the park?" He laughed, sort of a hollow chuckle. "I'll never forget it. You were beautiful on that damned horse. And I thought you'd lost control. I risked my damn neck chasing you down, only to end up getting bitten."
"What does that have to do with the fight, Jason?" she asked, her hand reaching out and touching his back, letting her fingers rest against his skin, needing some connection to him.
"You'll see, love, give me a moment. My mother had sent round a note, asking me to meet her at a gala later that week, Lady M's Gala. I saw you there, dressed in a gown of silver. You were exquisite, like a Goddess rising from the mist. And I couldn't even get close to you. Your admirers were swarmed that tightly around you. I saw one of them get fresh and lost my temper. Teddy was laughing at me, which made matters worse, and I couldn't stop thinking about you. I've never had that problem before."
He turned his head, looking down at her. "I've never thought about a woman more in my life. You sneak your way in, no matter what is on my mind. Teddy has even come close to beating me in the ring due to thoughts of you, love."
Alyssa sat up, her hand holding the sheet to her breasts. She brought her knees in, resting her arm across them. "A fact he no doubt rubbed in your face," she said, smiling at him.
"Of course. As I do him when he goes all fuzzy eyed over Cat," he answered, kissing her gently. He sighed, taking a deep breath and letting it out in another sigh. "Do you remember the gardens at Lady M's, Alyssa?"
"Yes. I snuck out. I was overly warm and Lady M's punch was ghastly. I walked in the garden and then I...I met Jamie." She looked up at him, her face suddenly pale.
"You met me, love. It was me in the garden and that rescued you from the highwaymen. It was me that snuck into your room and made love to you. I was the reason you fell down the stairs. You found that damnable mask and ran from me." His hand raised to her cheek, lingered just a breath from touching it before falling to the sheet. "I'd like to tell you why, if you will listen."
Alyssa felt her head spin and her stomach flip as she thought of the things she'd said, the things she'd done and worse, those that he'd said and done. There was a roaring in her ears and she stared at him, unable to control her thoughts.
Finally she nodded, feeling as if her world had been torn apart.
"When I met you in the garden, it was a lark. I got to kiss the girl I couldn't get out of my mind, a girl who thought that the real me was an absolute beast at best. I wanted to see if I could change your mind, make you think about me the way I couldn't stop thinking about you. So I kissed you." He stopped talking, looking down at his hands.
She was just about to speak when he started speaking again, closing his eyes, his head up, a look of pain on his handsome face.
"I can remember everything of that evening, the soft sound of the music in the background, the scent of your perfume mixing with the spring flowers, the way you felt in my arms. I can even remember the soft sigh you made when my lips touched yours the first time. It was enchanted, a magical moment out of time. It was when I knew without a doubt that I had to have you in my life. But I was stupid, I was arrogant and told myself I didn't want to marry, not even you."
"Then Cat called for you and you left me. I couldn't go back into that ball and watch as those men held you as I wished to, or danced with you when I wanted to be the only man in your life. I left. I went home and changed and then went for a ride in the moonlight to think." He laughed ruefully. "I mostly thought of how you'd felt against me, wondering how I would ever find a way to get you there again."
"I heard your voice through the mist. At first I thought I was just hearing things, my mind playing cruel tricks. Then I heard you again, loud and angry, telling the highwaymen off. I knew you'd rile them, love. And I knew you'd find your way into disaster. So I grabbed a mask from a dead man, hid my horse and became Jamie, your rescuer."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Alyssa managed to say. "Why did you let me believe that I had slept with another man? Why didn't you tell me when I told you I was pregnant?"
"And what would you have done if I'd whipped off my mask and showed you my true identity? Had a good laugh and welcomed me with open arms? I was terrified that you'd leave me, especially after finding out about the baby."
He turned and faced her. "I was a coward. I took the easy way out of a situation where I should have stepped forward and been a man. But I was so frozen in fear by the thought of you leaving me, I couldn't do it. I tried, you don't know how many times I opened my mouth to tell you - only to back out at the last moment, too afraid, too much of a coward."
He took her hand in his, not letting go when she tried to pull away. "I love you, I love our baby and the life that we both want to live together. But I could no longer live with myself and the lies. I was jealous of myself, can you believe that? I was jealous because Jamie had your love. I wanted your love. And when I came to you before our wedding, I didn't know what to do. You told me, so gallantly, so selflessly, about your affair, and about the baby.
And I opened my mouth to tell you the truth and it wouldn't come out. I kept thinking that you didn't need to know, you could fall in love with me and we would forget about that time."
"But I kept the mask. I think I did it on purpose. I wanted you to know, Alyssa. God, I wanted the lies to end. I wanted to be able to look at you and be with you and not have those secrets hanging over my head any longer."
"You found it and you ran. You wouldn't even let me talk to you. You'd just told me you love me. Me...Jason. Not Jamie. And then you found the mask and your eyes turned dark as if everything that was light had been extinguished all at once. You were leaving to go to your father's. You ran out and I was getting ready to come after you when I heard you scream. I got to the stairs, and there you were, down at the bottom, splayed like a discarded doll."
Alyssa grew still as she watched him. His eyes were dark and wet with emotion, his face rigid with pain as he relived that moment. A tear swept down his cheek to drip unnoticed to the sheet, another one quickly following.
He didn't try to hide them. He didn't try to hold them in check. He was letting her see every emotion he felt now.
She felt a little thrill go through her. It had been him in the barn. Jason had taken her virginity, not some faceless man. No, it was her husband who had stood up to those highwaymen, risking his life to save hers, making her a woman in the most wonderful of ways. He'd been the one to sneak to her room, to steal her heart in the dark of the night.
