I'm on my way. I've made up my mind. I'm breaking up with the woman I love. I know that I will never love anyone as much as I love her. It is simply not possible. What can I tell you about Kari? She's lovely in every way, kind, funny, sensitive, and intelligent. She's faithful too. I haven't come home early to find her in bed with my best mate. We've not had the talk about when she wants to open up the relationship. No, nothing like that. She's not like that.
She's beautiful inside and out, stunning, in fact. Beauty is not normally a drawback in a life partner. In this instance, it is - because I'm not beautiful, not attractive. To be frank, I'm ugly. Even my best friends always called me Shrek or the Beast. She deserves so much better than me; she just hasn't realised it yet. Everyone else has. I see how people look at us when we are out. The incredulity on their faces. Why would she be with him? They cannot get their heads around it.
Only one person thinks we make the perfect couple, and that's my Mum. She doesn't see me as ugly, of course. You've heard the term a face only a mother could love; I'm the proof. She thinks I'm her gorgeous boy. Never has a woman been more biased.
No, one day, Kari will realise that she deserves better; everyone says she will. Every day I love her more; every day it will be harder to let her go and every day will only make it hurt more. I'm not a masochist; this will hurt me like nothing before. It is also an act of my love for her with a huge dollop of self-preservation. So, I've decided to take my broken heart now, please.
Kari and I met at work. It is only a small office; it is only a tiny cosmetics firm, LPP International. The international makes me laugh, as it most certainly isn't. It looks good on the packaging, though. When Kari first started, she just brightened the whole place up. She certainly brightened my days. Not everyone gets my sense of humour, but she did. The days suddenly passed so quickly, with us joking along. The boss was pleased, too, as we seemed to get more done than before. A happy workforce is a productive one.
Don't get me wrong; I found her instantly attractive; who wouldn't? It is not just her looks but her personality and how she interacts with people. I knew that she could never be more than my friend. I had no illusions about that. I was used to being the ugly friend and realised she would never see me that way. We could be pals, though, good pals. I could appreciate her kindness and just being around her. She didn't seem to find my bulk off-putting. People often did, but she didn't.
Strangely children didn't find me off-putting either. They seemed to know that they were safe with me. My Mum calls me the Pied Piper. At family parties, the children would soon be climbing all over me like I was some bouncy castle. If a child gets lost in the supermarket, it will be me that they come to for help. They must sense that I'm just a big softie.
Kari was like that. She had that trust. She remembered everything about me, too. We had a little buffet in the office at Christmastime; she brought everything I liked. She told Mrs Whittam that I couldn't eat her mixed pepper quiche as peppers gave me heartburn. A stupid thing, but she remembered. She cared. She knew me.
It was my birthday that caused the trouble. She bought me a little cake for the office with a candle and everything. A hilarious card and a vintage t-shirt from one of my favourite bands. She got the size right too, which is not easy because I'm big. I was so grateful that I hugged her to say thanks. I expected a quick hug, but she lingered and nestled in my arms. It felt so good, hell, it felt great, but I didn't expect her to sigh. A contented sigh, like she was happy to be there. I suppose it was a safety thing. I'm big, and I make her feel safe. Nothing more. I get it. I think.
Later that afternoon, I mentioned that I was going out with my friends and a couple of their wives and girlfriends.
"You'll be there on your own?"
"Well, I'll be there with them, my pals."
"But they're in couples."
"Well, apart from Rob, He's single too, at the moment, but I'm always on my own, Kari; I'm used to it. I never have a plus one for obvious reasons."
"Obvious reasons?" she queried.
"Have you looked at me?" I laughed, but she didn't. She was remarkably quiet for the rest of the afternoon.
"Enjoy your night," she said in a clipped voice as she reached for her coat.
"Kari, what's wrong? Have I upset you? I am very grateful for everything you've done for my birthday."
"I know you are; it's not that; it's just that I thought we were friends."
"We are. We're more than just colleagues, and I love working with you. You make me laugh like no one else does."
"Well, why are you celebrating your birthday with your other friends but not me?"
"I don't know, I never thought. I didn't think you'd want to. My mates can be pretty full-on, you know? I was trying to protect you and...."
"And?"
"I didn't want to share you."
She smiled at this.
"Well, you don't have to protect me and you won't have to share me either. I'm your friend, but I want to meet your other friends too."
"Will you come then?"
She nodded and I quickly told her where and when. I rang the restaurant to add one more to the reservation.
We were all there on time for once, apart from Kari. I was just about to explain to the group about her when she arrived. She always looked great, of course, but tonight she was breath-taking. Her pale blonde hair was half up and half down. It was in curls; I don't know how she had the time. Her make-up was perfect and the dress seemed to mould to her tiny, perfect figure.
"Wow," said Rob. "It looks like a tiny piece of heaven has just arrived. Yum."
I was just about to tell Rob not to talk about Kari like that. To treat her with the same respect that he treated the other wives and girlfriends, but then I realised I couldn't. She wasn't a wife or girlfriend, but she was my friend and I really didn't like it.
As I processed these thoughts, she came over, put her arm around my waist, and reached up and kissed me on the cheek. She turned and smiled at the shock on my friends' faces.
"Bloody hell," said Rob, "Shrek's pulled."
Everyone laughed, but Kari didn't. Her eyes blazed. I knew that look. It was the same look she had when Barry from accounts accused her of making an error. It turned out that it was Barry's error. It looks like Rob had just made a major error too.
"Yes, Daniel has pulled, as you so inelegantly put it. I prefer to say that I've fallen for him. Don't you ever call him Shrek again in my presence? It's Daniel, Dan or Danny. Now get me a glass of prosecco and we will say no more about it."
Rob looked stunned.
"What about Beast? Can we call him Beast? We've always called him Beast."
"You seem to have a little difficulty understanding me; I'll make it simple. No -- you -- may -- not. Now make that glass of prosecco a bottle. I'll share it with my new friends."
It is a real pity that Rob doesn't move as fast on the five-a-side pitch as he did on his way to the bar. The other three ladies made space in the booth for her.
"We like you already," said one of the girls. I was so stunned that I couldn't tell you who said it.
Apart from Rob looking a bit churlish, we had a great night. I wasn't sure what Kari thought she was doing, but whatever it was, I liked it. I liked it when she defended me. I liked it when she held my hand under the table. I liked it when she climbed on my knee at the end of the night and whispered in my ear,
"Thank you for letting me come. I don't want this to stop."
Seeing us cuddled together was obviously too much for Rob and he turned to the rest of the table.
"This is ridiculous. What on earth could someone like her, see in Shrek..., I mean Danny. She's gorgeous, a bit of a grumpy cow, but gorgeous. What would she see in him? Is she doing it for a bet?"
The rest of my friends looked shocked. I don't think he expected Kari to hear, but she did.
"That's why you are going home on your own, Rob. For a bet? Don't judge others by your low standards. You really don't get it at all, do you? Well, I can promise you that Daniel here is most definitely going to get it tonight."
With that, she jumped off my knee and led me to the waiting taxi, to the cheers of the rest of the table.
I sat stunned in the cab.
"You almost had me believing all that back there. I wish...."
"You wish what?"
It must have been the drink that made me say it before I could stop myself.
"That it was true. That you were coming back to mine."
"I am, but I can't stay all night. Long enough to give you your real birthday present anyway."
That's what she did too. She came home with me. She took me by the hand and asked where the bathroom was. I waited on the bed in my t-shirt and boxers. When she appeared in the doorway, she found the room in darkness. She looked for the switch.
"No, I said. I don't want you to see me. I'm big and podgy and lumpy."
She found the light and flicked it on.
"Well, I want to see all of you. Maybe I like podgy and lumpy. Now, what was this big stuff you were talking about?"
I couldn't answer as I couldn't speak. I was struck dumb by the perfection I was looking at. She was pale, and her skin seemed to glow in the light. She was so beautiful that I felt guilty about touching her with my big, ugly hands. Not too guilty that I didn't, however. I might be big and ugly, but I am not stupid.
