The Lady and Her Lover

What started as a simple search on a personals site just to see what was out there quickly became an obsession with sex. However, it did start quite innocently. On the first day visiting the website, I spent time trying to think of funny witticisms, and being truthful without being too personal. I was hesitant to begin, and kept thinking of all the crazy stalkers out there, and what if they could find me, even though the site filtered everything. Still, I was never expecting someone to send me an email, especially since I refused to post a picture. I think that was what was so attractive about him. He had not seen me, yet wrote to say he thought we had much in common, plus we shared a zip code. His message was simple and polite, and I was instantly curious. After reading his profile at least a dozen times, my friend encouraged me to respond. After all, what harm was in chatting?

I had been separated from my husband for more than two months, however still wasn't planning to date anyone for at least a year. I really wanted my divorce to be final and to be completely free. Although with kids one is never entirely free. I had planned to spend that year reevaluating my life and reconnecting with the kids. I was a free woman and surely I did not need a man. I was quite adept at masturbating, and if the need really arose, I could easily pick up someone for a one night stand. I figured if I never knew their name, then I shouldn't have any problems forgetting about the person and just think of how great the sex was. Alas, it was not meant for me.

I hesitantly emailed him back and he invited me to chat. I figured chatting was okay, since emailing back and forth was a pain. I was really curious as to why he had been on the personals site since my experience had been limited to hearing about how great it was to be able to determine compatibility without any strings, or expectations. I wasn't expecting much. Perhaps someone intensely shy, or maybe just an ass out for sex thinking he would get it any way he could. But then again, that was sort of what I was doing. It was fun seeing who I thought might be great in bed, and who was repulsive to the point it hurt to think about it. However, I never expected to actually meet any of these people.

On the first night we spent about an hour chatting about nothing in particular just small anecdotes and things of that nature. I felt completely and utterly comfortable with him and wondered if it was just that online demon of false intimacy. I had read that it is easy to create one's own fantasy person who really doesn't exist, and then personify them in whomever one is talking to. Whas that what I was doing? I really wasn't sure. But I was having great fun. Sex was not mentioned although it was certainly in the undercurrents of the conversation.

He finally needed to go, and I did not expect to hear again from him. It was fun for an hour and now it was done. I went to bed wondering if this was going to be my life for the next year. Was I going to chat with someone different each night and still never find any friends? What was I doing? I really needed to get a life, and a job, and whatever else would occupy my time.

The next morning I checked my email, and he had sent a message thanking me for a great conversation, and inviting me to chat again that night. Wow, I mentioned nothing about sex and he still wanted to chat. That night I was online at the designated time. He was not there, so I put it aside and figured there was nothing lost. A while later he was there apologizing for being late. I was impressed that someone would bother explaining to a complete stranger, and I really wasn't all that disappointed since I didn't even know him. Our chat that night lingered on until well after we should have went to our beds. We were so comfortable talking about anything and everything that we agreed to meet for lunch the following day. Was I doing the right thing? I prayed that he wouldn't be a stalker, or worse.

We met at a busy restaurant. I arrived first, and even though he was a few minutes late, I still knew he would come. He arrived, and we had our first physical meeting. He shook my hand, and we had the best lunch I can remember. There was no lag in conversation, and I didn't do all the talking. I seem to be overly talkative when I am extremely nervous. We learned the most important parts about each other that first dates seem to be curious about. We were so engrossed in each other that the lunch hour passed immediately and we had to say goodbye. I wasn't sure what to do at this point. I hadn't been on a date in more than a decade, and then I was a teenager. Did I pay for my half, or say nothing? Is he supposed to kiss me, even just a peck? Or should we shake hands? Or hug? I really didn't want to make any obvious mistakes and scare him away, because even if we didn't see each other again, he still seemed to be a really great guy. In the end I said nothing and he paid for lunch without comment. Outside the restaurant there was a seconds' delay before he said that lunch was great and thanks. I told him that I had a great time too, and we parted company without ever touching.

By the time I got to my car, I had convinced myself that although lunch was fun, it wasn't going to be a regular occurrence. However, he did pay for lunch, so I called him and thanked him for a great hour. He didn't seem to really know what to say, and I didn't really expect him to say anything. Lunch had been a learning experience, and it was my first lunch date ever. Next time I would remember more manners, and not talk with my mouth full or anything like that. It takes practice to be comfortable on blind dates.

That evening I signed in to the chat area, and couldn't believe that I found myself hoping he would be there. Could I like someone this much after two days and one date? Was I this transparent and needy? I am an independent woman with two small kids; I am not supposed to act like a teenager. It was irresponsible and oh so delicious.

Then he signed in. I was hooked. Especially after he told me he had lunch with this really beautiful woman and wished he had the courage to kiss her. All I could think was that I couldn't get attached, not now, not for years. God, how I wondered what his lips would taste like on mine. Would he kiss me gently, or with unbridled passion? Would he have given me a peck on the cheek, or been bold enough to kiss me until I kissed back? I fantasized about a kiss that never was. I wanted him to be bold and press me against my car as he rained kisses over my lips and throat. I was angry at myself for thinking such thoughts. I was not going to sleep with this guy I barely knew. Or was I? I was already thinking about going out with him again and I cared less about where we went than I did about how I was going to get him to come home with me. I was scheduling a babysitter before he had even asked me out again. What was I doing? I wanted more than anything to have him, in my bed, repeatedly. I found myself thinking of nothing else.