I chuckled reflexively at what I thought was only a macabre joke, but her expression didn't change.
"What the—" I stammered.
A tear fell from her eyelash. I didn't know whether to be terrified or what.
"Don't get the wrong idea, okay?" She sniffled. "I said killed, not murdered. There's a difference."
"Sure. Okay," I said. I didn't intend the two words to sound sarcastic, but I wasn't entirely certain they didn't.
"That's why Sheriff Farber gives me grief. Even now, he still thinks it was premeditated. The ADA refused to prosecute because it was clearly self-defense, so that fat-assed sheriff locked me up on a bogus infraction for two weeks."
"What the hell happened?" I asked, unsure why I did.
"I began suspecting he was abusing Stacie. I was finding bruises which couldn't be explained. I noticed how she'd get anxious and fussy when he'd hold her.
"Then, one night, I was taking a shower and heard her screaming. Since I didn't shut the water off, he didn't notice me coming. I saw him holding her by her legs, upside down. Her calves and feet were as purple as an eggplant! He was squeezing her legs so tight her little feet were swelling!"
I gasped. I couldn't stand what I was hearing.
"The look on his face … he was smiling, Todd!
Smiling
! When I screamed at him to stop, he tried to convince me he was only playing with her and didn't know why she was crying. But when I took her from him, her little thighs looked like … they were depressed where his hands had been, and the skin there was so pale! She was only six months old," she whimpered.
She propped her forehead on a hand. I heard her swallow a sob. I remained quiet. I sensed she needed an ear, not a mouth, just like any number of my clients.
"I called the sheriff's office that night. I had to do it in secret. It took a week before he sent Child Protective Services, and they didn't even do anything! By the time they came out, there wasn't anything visible. The bruises on her legs had already faded.
"I never let her out of my sight. But I can't stay awake forever, you know? Sometimes I'd fall asleep with her in my arms and something else would happen. It's like he just got this … this
thrill
from it. It was never anything … you know, he didn't do anything like … abuse her
that
way, but …"
"I understand," I offered. "Still. I can't imagine how anyone can want to intentionally inflict pain on a helpless child."
She nodded and stood from the table to fetch a box of tissues. She blew her nose, then returned.
"You know, I need to thank you right now because you haven't asked why I didn't just get the hell out of here."
The thought had definitely crossed my mind, but, like I said, it wasn't my place to judge or speak an opinion. I only wanted to listen.
"People don't understand how it's not so cut and dried when you're knee-deep in it. The man was my husband. He was the father of our child! People
can't
understand unless they've been through it. Everything gets grayed out, you know? There's no black and white, one strike and you're out moment. Plus … he started gaslighting me, telling me I was crazy and making stuff up, and suggesting I didn't know how to care for my little girl. I'd almost become convinced he was right. It didn't help at all how that Farber prick would come out here to tell me I was over-reacting. I think the two of them were best buddies.
"It was a few months before I opened my eyes and realized we had to leave him. I took Stacie with me to stay with my cousin in Omaha.
"Her husband would sneak around here and keep an eye on things since I still had the business to run. I mean, this is
my
house. Of course, he refused to move out, so I couldn't simply waltz around here myself.
"We learned my husband was being shipped out on exercises for his two-week stint in the Reserves, so I used the opportunity a few days later to come back here and make sure the irrigation was working right. I'd left Stacie with my cousin for the day, thank God, or she'd probably have been deafened. Or worse.
"I planned on being inside only long enough to get the grid maps to plan the next cut.
"I came around the corner over there," she said and pointed to the hallway adjacent to the stairs, "and he was sitting right where you are now, glaring at me, twiddling his Benchmade—his tactical knife."
The instant discomfort I felt at her reference made me stand from my seat. I didn't want to be in that spot.
"I found out later he'd gone absent without leave. He failed to check in on base and then missed his movement because the process server had served him the divorce papers the morning he was supposed to fly out with his unit.
"He said something which made me almost lose my mind. He said, 'How's the little ragdoll, bitch? You think a divorce is gonna keep her away from me? I have rights!'"
"I almost went after him, but it was the menace in his voice which flipped a switch in my head, and my training kicked in. I went into calm and passive mode to try to deescalate, but it didn't work. It only made him angrier.
"He drew his knife across his leg. It cut clean through his BDU trousers and blood started dripping on the floor. He didn't even wince. I was thinking he had to be drunk or high or
something
."
I reflexively looked under the chair in which I'd been sitting. It's not that I expected to see anything there. It was a reflex.
"He said, 'You're going to have to cut me deeper than that to make it look like I'm only defending myself! It needs to look
convincing
!'
"Then he did it again! To his shoulder!" she shouted, grasping her own.
"I walked over to the coffee table over there, and I picked up the remote and pretended to try to turn off the TV, all so I could get close to the gun cabinet which used to be right here," she said, walking to the room and pointing to an empty space on the floor near the couch I'd awakened in that morning.
"He started moving toward me with his knife in an icepick-grip." She held her fist up, and bumped the front of her shoulder with its folded thumb. "I knew the cabinet was locked. The key was on the top of it, and I knew I didn't have enough time to get it. I had to smash the glass. I jammed my hand through it, grabbed the forearm of the shotgun to pull it through the glass, and cocked it because I didn't know if there was a shell chambered. I knew for a
fact
there were loads in the magazine because he insisted on keeping it loaded with double-aught. For defense from home