The engines of the airlines jets screamed and Richard Hart felt that sick feeling in his stomach as United Flight 793 begins it lumbering initiation toward take off. The heaviness of the forward momentum pressed him back into his seat and as on each of the several fights he took each year he remembered that the two most dangerous elements of fight were the first two minutes at takeoff and the last two minutes at landing... and he held his breath and swallowed hard to clear his ears even though the wheels had not yet left the runway. The speed and the bumpiness of the runway were unnerving and suddenly the plane rotate and with a bounce, he knew he was airborne!
Quietly he remembered his mantra... breath and swallow... and on this flight he added a third... remember where I am going... and why!
Jocelyn Haynes. As though the name was a tranquilizer in itself... or perhaps a stimulant that supplanted all of his other senses and gave him focus on the moment. His flight from DFW to Atlanta would be just over an hour... an hour of waiting... and wondering of reactions. Would she be there? Would she be so nervous that she would change her mind at the last moment? Perhaps as she kissed her husband that morning, he had caved in on the idea and confessed and begged his forgiveness for the crazy insanity that they had been infected with for the last few months.
The Meeting
Richard remembered his first sight of Jocelyn in the management training seminar... a creative idea session to challenge stale sales managers to "think out side of the box." What he remembered as he gathered at the table with those who had been assigned from representatives from other companies was the very young woman with the most gorgeous smile and the pales blue grey eyes he had ever seen... they were the color of pools of deep water and he was lost in them immediately. She smiled and welcomed him to the five other members of the group which was to be their work team.
She accommodate her space for him to join the group next to her and for the rest of the day, he was happy to be there. She was sharp and inventive and a wonderful sense of humor. She could be assertive, but was very conscious of the opinions of the group... and very quickly formed a collaborative relationship looking for feedback on opinions and ideas between them.
She looked beautiful... polished giving evidence of pride in her appearance, but no shallow "glitziness". She wore a business pantsuit which complimented her figure and accented her rear well. She unbuttoned the top two buttons of her blouse and seemed to enjoy the confusion of a strong hint of cleavage... catching us looking and smiling with a wicked wink... not a "come and take me" look, but a "I caught you looking" look and 'I like to make you blush' look.
At lunch, the four others of the team headed off with their box lunches provided so that we didn't spend the day looking for places to avoid the meeting... and Jocelyn and I just moved the work back and sat eating our lunches and talking... discovering that we had a lot in common and that we both seemed to enjoy our company. She was 25 years my junior, but other than the dismissal of attraction (she would never pay serious attention to an older man)... we connected and their was a growing bond developing in the training.
At the end of the first day's training, some shouted... "Who's up for drinks" and Jocelyn look at me was a question mark. I shook my head and said... "I'm up for a walk... gotta clear these cobwebs out" As I rose from the chair, I notice she hadn't immediately pursued the crowd to the pub and I asked, "Care to join me on a stroll around the facilities?" "Sure" came the answer with that flash of smile and the twinkle of her eyes.
The conference enter was on a mid-western university campus and our accommodations we a section of dorms converted to guests such as we were. We strolled the campus watch the undergraduates and talking about college, life... and relationships... and found we both were handling challenging situations at home... another point of commonality. We walked and talked... and stopped to sit on the park bench and the conversation stopped having a point and began to exist just for the sheer pleasantness of having something that gave us more reason to spend time together.
Supper was the most delightful excursion into the student union with the most inedible food in plastic containers but we could hardly eat because of the laughter... the atmosphere was relaxed and it felt as though we were just another two students... however older and better dressed than the rest of the crowd who dropped in their quarters and ate the egg salad sandwiches in the plastic boxes dispensed by a machine that looked something more like a hold over from the 50's with its gleaming cylinders of food servers. It was like a magic time machine and we had escaped the responsibilities and accountabilities of real life for a moment.
As darkness shadowed the campus we walked around the duck pond... and the tone had changed... we walked close beside and she never hesitated when occasional I would steady her walking with a hand to the small of her back. We stopped at the rail and in the coolness of the evening I felt her seek the warmth of my presence.
My mind was wheeling... wondering what she meant by her closeness and uncertain that it meant anything at all. Wanting to continue the warmth and put my arm around her, but not sure if that was inappropriate and forward. I asked if she were cold and she said "Yes" and I drew her in and we both leaned against the rail with my arms outside of hers touching... and smelling her hair... and becoming intoxicated with the scent of a woman so close.
My cheek moved near her ear as I whispered to her, talking of the ducks on the pond and speculating over which of the student couples might be lovers.
My hormones moved into overdrive.... being so close to her... but not knowing if she was just being polite to a nice older man... or perhaps anything more. I became quiet in trying to figure exactly where I stood... and she noticed and seemed uncomfortable. I finally said, "Can I walk you back to your room?" and with a sweet dreamy smile she said "Yes."
She let me hold her hand back to her room and at the door she stopped and ask... "I had the feeling you were trying to ask a question at the pond?" I blushed and said "I don't know if it was question or the resolution of a dilemma?" "Oh really?" she replied, "tell me your dilemma?"
I started and stopped and stammered... and then took a deep breath... "Well... it's this way... I was weighing actions which one the one hand might potentially create problems in a great new friendship... over against wondering that if I didn't, would I ever forgive myself for not pursuing it."
She smiled with a blush... "Well? Did you decided?"
With my voice trembling I said, "not really..."
And she smiled sweetly and said... "Isn't it nice we have two more days for you to work on resolving your problem?"
In a moment I found the nerve to say... "One thing I would like to ask?"
"Yes?" she said drawing herself in and steeling for the potential of an unwelcome question.
I asked with a nervous cough... "My I kiss you goodnight?" and we both laughed at the remembrances of first teenaged kisses. She didn't answer, but smiled and moved forward with a look of invitation on her face.
I leaned forward... trying to not stick my lounge in her mouth and her lips met mine with a peck that was more akin to just having kissed Aunt Martha than a.... a what? A girlfriend? Hardly appropriate for no more than the brief moments we had shared... a friend... a lover... and I dared not even allow myself that thought and hope to remain in an semblance of control.
We paused for a moment frozen in place and she whispered the line from the Jack Nickolson movie... "I think I can do that better if we try again" and our lips met in warm delight... no tongue but a kiss that felt as though the very breath of my life was being sucked away from my lungs.
I looked warily at her face to judge her reaction... and there was that beaming smile and softly whispered... "I'll see you in the morning!"
I walked back to my room torn between the euphoria of "puppy love" and the realization that I had been married to one woman for twenty-eight years with two grown children. I finally convinced myself that she was a very nice young woman who was sympathetic to an older man... and if I didn't want to embarrass myself, I had better keep the reigns on my libido.
Next Day
I walked into the conference room not knowing exactly what I might find... only to be greeted by a dazzling smile and those blue eyes giving me their whole attention. "Did you sleep well?" with a wink she asked...
"Had trouble with dreams last night... hard to tell reality from dreams."
"Oh," she said, "couldn't tell if you had been kissed or just dreamed you had?" Then in a softer voice... "I had the same problem too" and she winked and giggled.
In one bold moment I found the words to ask, "Were they dreams?..... or fantasies?" and she blushed and gave me a screwed up face to know that I'd been put in my place... but with a wink to know that it was a gentle rebuke.
The day when fast with agonizing moments. We worked together but it was so easy to just touch her arm as we talked or her shoulder as we leaned over the table to plan strategy. I was concerned that we didn't disrupt the "decorum" of the group by coupling up... but at the end of the day I wanted to hold her.
When the call for drinks came from the others as quitting time, I asked, "What about somewhere quiet for a nice supper... don't think I should serve you egg salad again tonight?" She laughed and with it there came a relaxing of the rigidness that had held us all day and we went shopping for a restaurant... one with a quiet atmosphere and private booths. We sat holding hands and talking in whispers and not being as hunger as we though we would be... not at least for what was on the table.
Toward the end of the meal I knew we needed to talk... and I ask, "Do we need to talk about the kiss?"
Her eyes looked down and for a long moment there was silence... and quietly she said, "I know you're married... and I am all but... a six year engagement and living together pretty much qualifies."
Quietly I replied, "I know."
