The Blindest Date

As I looked in the mirror, it occurred to me that this was the first blind date I'd ever been on. I've heard the term a million times, but does anyone really go on blind dates anymore? This certainly wouldn't be the first date I've been on, or the second. I've never counted them, that's a pretty interesting thought in itself.

Let's see what the numbers say. Ok, I've been dating for half my life, give or take, about sixteen years roughly. Take away the two serious relationships of about six years, counting the one that lasted four years that I just got out of, which leaves ten years. How many dates a year on average? Not every week, but twice or three times on a good one. Ok, about sixty times a year, divided by the same girl. That would be about fifteen different women a year for ten years, pretty simple, about a hundred and fifty first dates. Divide that by three, to account for all of those times that were never really a date. Now we're getting to serious numbers, fifty.

So at thirty three years and change, I've been out with between forty to sixty different women. This is brilliant, and probably why I'm not married yet. I have to make every thing make sense to me. I over think every little thing, I'm so fucking predictable. Why the fuck did I let Marshal talk me into this blind date? That answer was all too clear; he wouldn't leave me alone until I agreed, "Come on Tom, you got to get out more, live a little," he kept telling me.

Marshal is, maybe was, after tonight, a good friend of mine. We have worked together since right after college. We were hired on at the same time, and trained together. I'm a little more work oriented than he is, so he works for me now. His wife, Penny, came up with the idea of me dating her friend, and of course Marshal thought it was a great idea, he's so pussy whipped. The only thing I know about tonight's date is she's younger than I am and her name is Lynn.

I don't like being so pessimistic, but I can't seem to shake the habit. "Well, let's go get the night over with, in three or four hours I can put this whole thing behind me," I thought. Maybe then Penny and Marshal will quit trying to find me a soul mate, as if.

Feeling like a school boy, I drove to Lynn's apartment. I have to say, the whole anticipation thing was peaking my interest. So with mixed emotions, I hesitantly knocked on the door. I don't know what image you have conjured up in your mind, but for what ever reason, I expected a medium sized sweet looking girl with dark hair. What do you think?

Lynn was tall, even for a man. I'd say about six foot, maybe taller, and long flowing blonde hair. I introduced myself, and handed her the small bunch of flowers I'd bought to break the ice. Lynn accepted them graciously and nonchalantly set them aside, I could have saved myself the twenty bucks by the looks of things. Lynn grabbed her coat and we were off.

What do other people do on blind dates? I chose a movie, at least that way I'd have something to watch if we were going to spend a few conversation-less hours together. Well, we at least had that in common, silence. It was so thick you could feel it. I asked Lynn to choose the movie, "probably some chick flick," I thought. Well, again I was wrong, she picked a horror film. We were so doomed, this would be one of those nights I'd spend a year trying to forget.

I hate horror movies, but the popcorn was ok. And to tell the truth, the movie wasn't as bad as I'd feared. At least Lynn seemed to enjoy it, the frown she'd been wearing wasn't quite as pronounced as we left the theatre.

I dug down deep and asked, "So, what type of food do you like?"

She gave me a smattering of her huge vocabulary, "Spicy."

She was making me work way too hard here, "Thai, Indian, or Mexican," I asked.

"You decide," was her response.

I hated all three, I'm just not too into spicy. I knew of a Thai place that served a decent cheeseburger, so that's where we went. I was trying to be considerate, I let her choose didn't I? Hell, I was even a gentleman and opened her door for her. But I'll tell you right now, if I hadn't been so goddamned hungry, the date would have been over by now.

We were seated at a nice table with a view. The waiter brought our menus and I set mine down almost immediately, I knew what I was having. Lynn must have read every single word on the menu three or four times, it was about forty five minutes before she seemed to decide. The waiter saw her put the menu down and came for our order.

She looked up and him with a smile, "Cheeseburger please."

A thousand expletives ran through my head as I said, "Make it two."

My eyes were shooting daggers at Lynn, but she either didn't care or pretended not to notice. My mother told me once, "If you can't say anything nice, then keep your fucking trap shut," so that's just what I did. By the time our food arrived, it would have taken a chainsaw to cut the tension. I was definitely going to pay Marshal back for this, and he was going to regret it.

After we ate, neither of us made a move to leave. I felt like fleeing for my life, but I wouldn't or couldn't be rude.

Lynn cleared her throat, "So Tom, what's your story?"

"Which story is that, what story are you referring to?" I asked, trying as hard as I could to act civil.

"What made a man like you go out on a blind date?"

Being blunt, I said, "Marshal," with a hint of distaste.

She nodded and replied, "Penny."

"What were they thinking, that you or I couldn't find our own dates?" I murmured rhetorically.

"So, Penny tells me you work for Marshal?"

"Something like that," I answered, trying not to have to explain that I was actually Marshal's boss's, boss's boss.

"And what is it that you do?" I asked, trying to change the subject away from me.

"I'm a photographer," Lynn answered, with a slight smile.

Maybe getting her to talk about herself was the key, "Really? That's an interesting occupation, what kind?"

"Oh..." she hesitated for a moment, "All kinds."

"Interesting," I said rubbing my chin.

The pregnant pause had set in before she said, "I'd like to take some pictures of you..."

Without waiting I replied, "Ok," thinking I could send them to my mother for Christmas.

"In the nude," she concluded her previous sentence.

Did I just hear her ask me to pose nude for her? "Excuse me, did you say nude?"

In her overly wordy style, she said, "Yes."

Thinking the worst, "Did Marshal put you up to this? Ha, ha, very fucking funny, I can just see pictures of my bare ass plastered all over the office."

"It's no joke, Marshal has absolutely nothing to do with it," she said seriously.

"Then what possible reason would you have for wanting naked pictures of me? I'm no model."

"Because I think you're a tight ass, and you're too afraid to do anything out of your comfort zone," she answered while nibbling on a French fry.

That was it for me tonight, this bitch had no idea who or what I was about. I took enough money out to cover the check, stood and walked two steps. Even as mad as I was at that moment I could not leave Lynn at the restaurant, I was taught to always be a gentleman. I returned to the table and held her jacket for her.

On the drive to Lynn's apartment I had time to think, something she hadn't given me at the café. Leave it to me to analyze the moment. Do you suppose that's why I am so successful at work and such a damn failure with women?

There were three options as I saw it. First, I could just walk away without a word. Second, I could open up my big mouth and tell her what I thought. Or third, I could accept the fact that she was right, I was a tight ass. But before I could make up my mind, Lynn did it for me. As soon as I pulled up to the curb, Lynn got out of the car and walked away without a word.

I spent most of the weekend in a sour mood over the way things had gone. It wasn't that I waned some magical first date or a long term relationship with Lynn, but she'd really gotten to me. Hadn't I tried to be at least cordial and cooperative? Why did she have to act like that, damn, I'd never done anything to deserve that, had I?

Monday was busy, I was up to my eyeballs in paperwork. Marshal stuck his head in the door, "Hey boss, how was the date? Isn't Lynn something?"

I looked up at him with a glare, "Marshal, if you ever... I'm going to cut your... just make yourself scarce if you value your life. GO!"

I buried myself back in the stack of reports I was working on. But Marshal being the way he is, walked right in, sat down and stared at me. I tried as hard as possible to ignore him, but my skin crawled from the eerie silence.

I looked up and arched my eyebrows, "WHAT?" I screamed.

Knowing he had me now, he asked, "It couldn't have been that bad, could it?"

"Worse," I grumbled.

"What'd you do, try to get into her panties at the restaurant?" he giggled.

"No, as a matter of fact she wanted to take naked pictures of me." I whispered the word naked.

He almost fell off his chair, "No shit? Are they any good?" He laughed.

"Fuck you Marshal, and if you're not working again in ten seconds, I'll can your ass on the spot." I said slamming my fist on my desk.

Marshal tore out of my office, and I got back to work. The day had passed quickly enough and I was ready to get a bite and relax for the evening. As I reached my car, Marshal happened along. Yeah I bet, the son of a bitch ambushed me more than likely. To my complete surprise, he didn't even mention Lynn. He asked if I'd be interested in a round of golf on Saturday. I figured if no women were involved that I might just enjoy it, so I agreed to pick him up at eleven o'clock.

The weather was great, and the golf was so-so. We'd had a good day in the sun, and put down a few cold beers. Anyone else would have considered it to be a perfect day, but something bothered the shit out of me. Marshal had not mentioned Lynn once, not even a little jab to get me off my game. "Am I just obsessing again?" I thought. I probably was, so I let it go. Marshal had told me he and Penny were going to grill some burgers, and insisted I join them.

When we walked in after golf, I suddenly knew why I'd been bothered earlier. Lynn was in the kitchen helping Penny. I swear the only reason I didn't turn and burn was Penny's potato salad. I was starved and I would kill for a mouthful, my guess is that's why she made it. I figured I could ignore Lynn long enough to eat, and then make an exit without making to big an ass of myself.

Marshal spent an uncomfortable ninety minutes as I gave him the evil eye throughout the entire meal. Penny got her fair share from Lynn as well. I felt a little better that she wasn't in on this fiasco, not that it really mattered much.

As I thanked Penny for the wonderful dinner, she asked a favor of me. She asked that I give Lynn a ride home, Penny said she was expecting a call from her mother and Marshal had drank a few too many beers to drive. I agreed right away, but the truth was I'd have preferred a vasectomy with no anesthetic. Thirty more minutes alone with Lynn was not very appealing to me.

A few blocks from Penny and Marshal's house, Lynn asked me to stop the car so she could get a cab.

I continued to drive, "Lynn, it's pretty obvious that as long as we are friends with those two, we'll be thrown together at least occasionally. Do you think it would be possible for you and me to call a cease-fire, at least until they find another hobby? Besides it's clear that we're not right for each other," I said sincerely.

The car continued on to Lynn's place for another five miles before she spoke, "I'll agree to a truce, but what did you mean about us not being 'right' for each other?" she asked.

"Well, I don't know what you're looking for in a man or if you're really looking, but you don't seem to find any of those qualities in me. For whatever reason, I seem to offend... No that's not the word. I guess I am a tight ass and you want someone, for the lack of a better term... um, less tight."

"So it wasn't me? I mean, it wasn't my freakish looks?"

"Lynn... What are you...? I don't even have clue what you mean..." I stuttered. "If you hadn't noticed Tom, I'm tall enough to play center in the NBA," she said, looking down at her feet with shame.

With a little chuckle I said, "Shit Lynn, maybe point guard, but not center.

She raised her head and there was the slightest trace of a smile, "Then why...?" she paused. "Why did you treat me like a leper on our date?"

"Lynn, if that's how you felt, I'm truly sorry, but it has nothing at all to do with the way you look. Maybe you were the one not noticing, as tall as you are I'm still four or five inches taller," I explained.

"But you still treated me like I wasn't there most of the night, can you explain that?" Lynn asked.

I pulled into the curb and parked, looking over at Lynn I said, "Lynn, that was the first date I'd been on in four years, I guess you could say I am a little out of practice. And don't take this wrong, but you weren't exactly Miss Congeniality either," I regretted saying those word as soon as they left my mouth.

"Oh, so now it's my fault," she screeched.

I know that might be how it sounded, but it wasn't what I meant. Right now though, I didn't have it in me to argue with Lynn. I was tired, and her rant was giving me a migraine. With any other person I may have tried to explain what I said, but I just held my hands on the wheel at ten and two and started bouncing my forehead between my clasped fists. Lynn watched my childish antic for a minute, then exited the car, slammed the door and stomped away.

I have to admit though, Lynn had a beautiful ass. I kept seeing it stomping out of my life. Why in the fuck did I care? But for some reason that I couldn't put my finger on, I did care, and I found myself caring for her in a way that I hadn't for any other woman before.

I avoided Marshal at work the next week, Monday I kept my office door closed the whole day. Tuesday I flew out to the manufacturing plant in Phoenix, which was good for the rest of the week. I'd managed to avoid Marshal, but the worst thing was, I keep running into Lynn in my head.

I tried my damnedest to forget about Lynn, what was it about her? She was like when a song gets stuck in your head, I replayed her image over and over.

It was much worse when I tried to sleep, I imagined things about her I had no reason to know. In my mind I saw the subtle curve of her calf, a scar barely visible on her knee, the smooth skin of her hip. I could smell the shampoo in her hair, and the taste of her lips was all too real to me. There were so many vivid pictures of her that tried to erase.

Was I loosing my mind? Yeah, I was in a way, I couldn't control my thoughts anymore. I had to do something to shake the visions, I had to reformat my brain. Goddamn you Marshal, why couldn't you leave well enough alone? I did want a steady woman in my life now, and I sure as hell didn't want one I couldn't have.

Trying to regain control, I asked out one of my friends with benefits. Oh, don't tell me, you're shocked that I know a woman that I could really ask out like this. I'm not a monk for Christ sake, and believe me, there are women out there that enjoy the company of a man with no strings. Marci was one of them, she loved to go out and she loved sex. We fit together well in bed, but our values clashed when it came to commitment.

I planned an evening of dinner and dancing with Marci. A real nice restaurant, good food, fine wine, dancing, and no I wasn't just looking to get laid. If that was the result, well ok, but I just wanted the company of a beautiful woman to help me relax and forget. Our reservation was for eight o'clock, and we arrived a little early.

We were seated at the bar catching up on each others lives, my eyes must have been playing with me though. I could have sworn that Lynn just walked in, no it couldn't be true. Marci looked around to see what I was staring at, what she saw was totally different than I. It happened that the man Lynn was with was an old friend of Marci's, and what happened next could have come from a Stephen King novel.

Marci and her old friend Pete got to talking and before I could object. We were a foursome for dinner. Being the gentleman that I was, I acted as one would expect. I rushed to the restroom to compose myself, I didn't want everyone in the room to see me meltdown in public. When I finally got a grip on reality, I returned to find them seated at a big round booth, how cozy.

As dinner wore on, and it did wear on me at least, I could see Marci drifting from being my date, into Pete's arms. We danced a little, but things were obvious that Lynn and I were being shoved further out of the picture. Pete and Marci were dancing almost every dance together, leaving Lynn and I to sit silently waiting.

With the next slow song, I did the unthinkable. I rose and took Lynn's hand, without a word we moved to the dance floor. We were very tenuous at first, we danced as two strangers. As the song progressed though Lynn fell deeper into my arms. I knew that she was feeling rejected again, so I held her close and we swayed together like it was natural. Her head was on my shoulder, and we moved to the music.

When the music ended, I cupped Lynn's chin with my hand. There was a tear about to fall, so I kissed it away gently. When we got back to the table it was still empty, Marci was back on the floor with Pete again. I looked in Lynn's face, and she nodded. I made my way to Marci, and she had no qualms about staying with Pete when I told her Lynn and I were leaving. When we reached the silence of the open air outside, I took Lynn's hand and we walked.

Lynn cleared her throat and said, "You're still a tight ass, but you dance pretty well for an old guy."

Not to be out done, I replied, "Yeah, well you're not bad for a short broad yourself,"

When we arrived at my car, I helped Lynn into the passenger seat. Trying to avoid the inevitable argument, "Too bad you don't have your camera with you," I said playfully.

She reached into her purse, and pulled a small digital out, "I never leave home without it," she smiled.

Well, it looks like I'd put my foot in my mouth again. But without a thought, I started to remove my clothes. This was not the time to back down now. When I was down to only my underwear, Lynn had joined me at my side of the car with her camera at the ready.

"It's your show, where do you want me?" I asked as I threw my boxers into the back seat.

"Let's start with you on the hood of the car," she said getting very professional.

What the fuck was I doing? I'd just given Lynn all the ammunition she would ever need for revenge. If she still held a grudge against me, I would never live this down. She could ruin me in a heartbeat, but at the time I never even gave it a thought. It was cold and stupid, yet for some reason I was alive and starting to get aroused.

After about ten minutes of me flashing traffic, and posing with a couple of older women, they were clothed of course, we decide it would be a good idea to get the hell out of there before the cops showed up. I didn't bother to dress, what for??? She'd seen it all now.

At the next traffic light, I took the camera and shot a couple of pictures of Lynn. To my utter surprise, she pulled up her blouse and flashed her tits at me. I got a couple of great poses, and by the next light we were both naked. It's a miracle we weren't arrested, we drove around the city for an hour or more taking photos and flashing people. We went crazy laughing and lewdly exposing ourselves.

When we got to Lynn's she immediately jumped from the car, leaving her clothes strewn on the rear seat. Half way up the steps, she stopped and shouted, "Well, are you coming or not." What the hell, naked is as naked does. I got out of the car and strolled casually after her. Once inside, I waited at the door, hoping that she would sweep me off my feet and carry me to her bed. But it didn't happen quite that way, she yanked on my arm making me walk there myself.