I sat there staring at the blank page of my diary. The date at the top of the page was April 23 but there was nothing written on the preceding pages. This was a new beginning.
I toyed with the opening entry, discarding such trite quotes such as; 'Today is the first day of the rest of my life.', or what about; 'Life is what you make of it.', or 'A pessimist sees the gutter while an optimist sees the stars.' All appropriate for the situation that I found myself in. There was a piece of paper on my desk beside the diary and this was the reason for the blank page; the translation from legalise stated bluntly that I was no longer married, at last I was a single man, the years of suffering were now over. It was now up to me to make the most of my opportunities.
This is where I hit the first snag, what opportunities? Okay, so I'm not yet ready for retirement but I'm not young either. I have a good enough job but after I had been through the financial wringer, I'm not wealthy and unlikely to become rich in the foreseeable future. While I'm not ugly, I'm not the kind of man who stops conversations when he enters a room, I blend in rather than stand out. And lastly, while I try to maintain a good fitness level, my body is not the kind that looks good in trendy clothes.
After thirty minutes my page is still a virgin, unblemished by pen, devoid of scribble, and the more I think about it the more I regret the impulse that told me to buy the rotten diary. I picked it up and shoved it into my desk drawer and slammed it shut.
Being Saturday, the one day available for it, I put on my coat and headed for the supermarket, time for one of life's little luxuries, food. Even the supermarket held little excitement for me these days since she left. She was a checkout operator who I began speaking to some months ago. She was polite and friendly and I make it a policy to use the same checkout when I get polite conversation rather than programmed responses like "Hi how are you today?" accompanied by a vapid smile that tells you straight away that she couldn't give a shit about you. But this one showed, I think, a genuine interest in me, but now she's gone, moved to greener pastures.
I wandered up and down the aisles looking for inspiration. It is hard, it has been a while but I still haven't gotten my head around it properly, when you are used to preparing food for a family to suddenly find you are cooking for one. I've tried to solve this particular problem by cooking stuff that I can freeze for later consumption, like curries and pasta sauces, and for these I always get fresh ingredients, usually hitting the meat aisle first to find the specials and winging it from there.
I had just picked up a package of shin beef that had been marked down because it was close to its use by date when another hand grabbed it. I looked at the face that belonged to the hand, she was cute, not drop dead gorgeous, but cute all the same. "Go on, you can have it." Fuck, that's me all over, never fight for what I want, always give in to the other person, and didn't my ex wife use that to her advantage.
"No, you take it, after all you had your hand on it first." She handed it to me.
On closer inspection I felt that her need for this cheap meat was greater than mine. That she was cute was a given, but that she had a need was apparent for, while her clothes were of good quality and were clean and tidy, they were also some years old, she obviously couldn't afford new clothes. I cast a quick glance into her trolley and saw that most of the goods were the cheaper generic brands, but there was also fresh produce rather than packaged processed foods. Her only concession to luxury was, and these were the same as my choices, an expensive brand of curry powder and a good choice of coffee beans. I refused to compromise in these areas.
"You like curries, do you?"
"Yes, that's why I wanted the shin beef, it makes the best beef curry."
"I couldn't agree more and that's what I wanted it for too. I wish that there was a way that we could share this."
"I wish that too. Do you shop here regularly?"
"Yes, I try to get here around the same time every week, it's a sort of routine, it makes life more ordered."
We chatted for several minutes before she wandered off to complete her shopping. A germ of an idea began to develop in my mind.
After starting the curry I once more sat down at my desk and took out the diary, thinking to myself as I did so that the incident in the supermarket warranted an entry. But then what do I say? 'I met a cute woman today, this could lead to something.' Was this reality or just wishful thinking? I put the diary back in the drawer.
The same time, a week later. I was once more wandering the aisles of the supermarket. I saw her standing at the meat cabinets looking at the contents. I stopped next to her. "Hi, is there anything exciting in here this week?"
She looked at me, her initial reaction was to walk away, but then recognition set in, "Oh hi, how are you?"
"I'm fine, how about yourself?"
"Can't complain, no-one listens anyway."
"Do you remember last week we fought over the shin beef?"
"Yes, and you won if I remember correctly." There was no animosity in her voice, a good sign.
"I have something for you." I reached into my trolley and took out a container. "Do you remember wishing that we could share the meat, well we can. I made up my curry and decided that you should have some because you gave up the meat." I handed it to her.
"You shouldn't have, but thank you. I'll bring the container back next week."
We both scanned the meats on display and decided that this might not be a red meat week. "I usually get some chicken pieces from the deli section when there is nothing exciting or cheap enough in this section, it's amazing what you can make from chicken legs and thighs and they are usually really cheap."
"I know, and to me that is the best part of the chicken, I find breast fillets highly over-rated. How do you do yours?"
"My favourite at the moment is Cajun chicken, I coat the chicken and vegetables with Cajun spices and roast them, it mightn't be true Cajun cooking but it tastes great. Otherwise I roast them, or deep fry them, whatever takes my fancy."
"That Cajun chicken sounds nice, I'll have to try it." We walked to the deli section and both bought chicken pieces before going our separate ways.
"You timid idiot!" I remonstrated with myself, "you had an opening there and you blew it!"
I stared at the still blank pages of my stupid diary. What a sad case when you can't think of anything to write in a diary, you could at least write, 'same old same old' or something similar to convey the fact that you are a loser, but then who wants to admit that to himself?
I stood gazing down at the meat offerings. "I tried that Cajun chicken, it was great." I turned and there she was, the same cute woman in the same clean and tidy but slightly jaded clothes.
Come on man, say something, don't just stand there like a stunned mullet. "Hi, I think it must be time we introduced ourselves, I'm Alex." I held out my hand.
She took it and looked directly into my eyes, her whole face smiled. I could have sworn that she seemed grateful for the introduction as it seemed to open up lines of communication that she had hoped for but not dared to believe would happen. "I'm Ella."
"When we've finished our shopping could I interest you in a cup of coffee?"
"That would be nice although I won't be able to stay long."
I waited for her outside the checkouts and she emerged pushing her trolley. She smiled when she saw me and came over. We pushed our trolleys the short distance to the coffee shop. She stayed with them while I ordered. I noticed her checking out the contents in my trolley.
"I can't work you out, some of the items you have are bulk while others are in small quantities."
"That's easy to explain, I live alone and I usually cook up large batches of some things and freeze the left-overs for later consumption while other things are best eaten fresh because they don't freeze well." I noticed that she had largish quantities of most things.
She saw me checking out her trolley. "I'm in a different situation. I'm a full time carer for my parents. When they got too old and too frail to look after themselves properly, my brothers decided that I, because I had recently lost my partner, should look after them in the family home rather than send them off to a retirement home. They promised to help me financially but the money seems to have slowly dried up and whenever I ask them about it they come up with a whole range of excuses as to why they can no longer contribute."
The information came out in a flood of frustration, as if she had been waiting for the opportunity to discuss it with someone. Her head dropped and she made to stand up. I put my hand on hers to forestall her leaving. She sat down again, there were tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean for that to come out like it did. You must think me a sad case."
"No. On the contrary, I think that what you are doing is great and I admire you for it. It can't be easy for you to give up your own life to look after your parents, you probably have little time to think about yourself and even less time to enjoy life. I don't want to sound patronising here but you need some 'you time', to get away for a while and just be yourself, to recharge your batteries."
"I would love to do that but I don't have enough of my own money, and I certainly can't ask my father for money."
"Doesn't he have any? I'm sorry, I shouldn't ask about that."
"That's okay. He does have money, but part of his illness is that he is paranoid that I'm trying to steal it from him, so I'm not allowed access to any of it, he guards it like the Crown Jewels,"
"That must be particularly hard for you. Can't you ask your brothers to give you money to get away and provide respite care while you're away?"
"I could but they'll just say 'no'."
"There has to be a way for you to get away and have a break, in the mean time we can enjoy this coffee in peace." I took a sip, it wasn't bad.
"This is nice, it's been so long since I've been able to sit down and have a cup of coffee with someone. I would like it if we could make this into a regular thing."
"I was just about to suggest that very thing. I don't know how long it's been since I've had the nerve to ask a woman to join me for a coffee, probably about the same time since I've gotten the courage to speak to a woman."
