An arranged marriage is normally understood to be one where the bride and groom are selected not by the couple themselves but by members of their families and often their parents. In some cultures a professional matchmaker can be employed to find a prospective spouse for an individual seeking one. The marriage is forced when one of the couple is forced to marry against their will. It is estimated that 50% of marriages worldwide are arranged and this type of marriage continues to be common in South-East Asia and the Middle East. In Turkey arranged marriages are uncommon in the cities but more common in the rural areas and generally speaking the prospective bride or groom can veto arrangements if they wish. Proponents of arranged marriages quote a lower divorce rate although this may reflect cultural differences between those in love marriages and those in arranged marriages.
The marriage described below is a more modern form of arranged marriage.
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I am a successful professor of obstetrics and gynaecology in private practice in Istanbul. I trained here, in Turkey, before living and working in the United States for several years where I obtained my American board certification.
During my time spent in California I worked long hours and devoted myself single-mindedly to the furthering of my career. I formed no lasting relationships since it was always my intention to return home and I had seen too many men's plans for their future change after meeting a woman and falling in love.
I fucked of course. I enjoy sex and had a few lovers but whenever anybody got close to me I ended things.
I guess you could call me a cold fish and that would be true. I decided at a very young age what I wanted and then planned how to get it. I was not going to let "love" get in the way. I had seen what had happened to my parents. They married young and my mother has always told me how much in love they were.
Their marriage went sour. It didn't happen overnight, but he wasn't the man she believed him to be and over the years she slowly realised she had made a mistake. He was lazy and unambitious and one of those individuals who blamed everybody and everything for problems of his own making. He cheated on my mother on many occasions and was an inveterate gambler. His only endearing qualities were that he wasn't a drunk or violent.
My early childhood was characterised by constant fights between my parents until I was 8 years old when one day he upped and left and never came back.
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When I returned from the States I was 33 years old and, whilst not old, I wasn't getting any younger. I figured It was time I got married and settled down. I had little inclination to play the dating game and most of the people I met were work colleagues or worked in the hospital where I had visiting privileges.
When I was a junior doctor In San Francisco I screwed the nurses and on one occasion a pharmacist, but now I was home. A doctor and a Professor fucking the nursing staff outside of marriage was not going to fly. In any case I didn't want to live with a doctor or nurse. I wanted somebody who would complement my life and with whom I would have something other than conversations about pregnancy or disease to come home to.
Eventually I hit upon the idea of an arranged marriage.
So, six months before I returned home I asked my mother to find me somebody. I didn't want much! I wanted good looks, good character, and a university education. They didn't need to have a job. I earnt plenty. Importantly they must not drink to excess, gamble, or smoke.
My mother got to work and via a friend's aunt a "suitable" candidate was found. We met in my mother's flat one Saturday afternoon when Derin, with auntie chaperoning, came for tea. Derin appeared at first sight to be everything I was looking for; around my age, good looking with an olive complexion, sandy brown hair, and green eyes (and a lovely bum). Derin had a doctorate in history, was a university lecturer, and although at first a little on edge soon started to relax.
At that first meeting we talked for only a half hour or so and It was agreed that each one of us would decide whether we wanted to explore the possibility of marriage and proceed from there. I was already happy that Derin had potential and the following day it was agreed we would meet again.
We met half a dozen more times over the next month and at the last three meetings we talked privately together in a different room for several hours and got to know each other to ensure that we both wanted the marriage to go ahead.
At first those meeting were hard work. They were like two-way interviews, each one of us looking for possible incompatibility in the other.
We compared interests, political views, and religious beliefs and learned that we were both Ataturkists who believed in a secular state and were nominally Muslims and believed in God but didn't practice our religion. I spoke Turkish and English whilst Derin spoke Turkish, French, Farsi, and Arabic. We discussed children and agreed that they would be given the opportunity to go to university and marry whoever they chose.
We talked about our families, and I spoke of my parents failed love match. Derin's parents had an arranged marriage following which they had moved from their village to the port city of Izmir in South-Eastern Turkey. Izmir was the most cosmopolitan and westernised city in Turkey and some of Derin's values reflected a less traditional environment during his upbringing.
On the second meeting the topic of sex was broached. I knew that I must be honest since I didn't want a marriage marred by a lie before it had even started. Derin was a virgin, but I wasn't. I swallowed hard and then spoke of my sexual encounters in America and almost immediately they were waved away. I was told that what had happened there was an almost predictable consequence of being alone in a strange land.
Nonetheless I was relieved when Derin turned up for our third meeting. That last meeting before we made our joint decision was easy and pleasant and we chatted comfortably with each other like old friends.
Two weeks later our parents met one another, and we became engaged with an exchange of gold rings tied together with a red ribbon which was cut by my mother, and the dowry of gold was paid.
One month following that we tied the knot. The wedding was a simple civil ceremony, and we became husband and wife.
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