The All Or Nothing Game

"Eva converged with Fate at a crucial point. She got a terrific offer, and now she was on her way to her life's adventure! She was to join the world tour of Julian Woolfe...!"

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One man's loss is another man's gain, as they say. Eva Sanderson knew that, but the harsh reality of it was nonetheless hard to accept. As always, in moments of crises, she went back home to Granny to talk it over with her and to get her advice.

Back home was in South Dakota, somewhere on the endless grassy plains between the James and Missouri rivers. When she asked the driver of the bus between Madison and Huron to stop in the middle of nowhere, he looked curiously at her and had a question on the tip of his tongue. Yet, she looked noncommittally at him, standing close to the door with her small suitcase in her hand, just waiting for him to open it. So without any comments he let her out and she climbed down on the road and watched the bus disappear in the distance in a cloud of dust. A great silence fell over and around her, and she sat down on the suitcase to wait patiently for Granny or whomever Granny might send along. The fields, gently billowing in the soft breeze, stretched forever around her, touching the horizon at all the points of the compass. The sky was light blue and slightly hazy.

Eva closed her eyes a bit and thought about Granny. She wondered how many times she had prompted the old woman to move into something more convenient and easy to manage than that farm out on the plains.

"Never!" Granny had replied vehemently. "I've lived here all my life, and my family before me. And mind you, I'll die here too. They'll have to carry me off this estate."

And that was always the end of the discussion. Deep down Eva was happy with that Granny persisted somehow because Eva looked upon this place as her real home. This was what came to her mind when out in the world, and this place was where she longed to be whenever in trouble or facing the dire realities of making life work.

It hadn't always been her home of course, but Eva had lived there for such a long time that she couldn't remember living in another place, although she had heard stories told of her childhood. She had come to stay with Granny when she was three years old at the moment her father had left the family for good; father being Granny's youngest son and therefore making her Eva's paternal grandmother. Eva didn't know why her mother had chosen to go to the family of her husband instead of her own family when caught in this trauma, but as with all things which concerned her mother it was muddled, shrouded in questions and secrets, and Eva just didn't care for the moment to find out why.

If she didn't remember anything about her father leaving her life, the memory of her mother breaking up and disappearing out of view, was all the more vivid and painful.

Eva was close to six years old when she one day overheard a heated discussion between Granny and her mother.

"I realize that there isn't much I can do to persuade you to think over your situation and make another choice. We've talked about this now so many, many times. But I will just want to let you know that although I might not be able to keep you from making a mess of your own life, I will NEVER let you ruin that of Eva! You may go and do whatever you want, but she stays HERE!"

Eva couldn't hear what her mother had answered — only the shrill tone of her voice. Then she heard how the two women had started to shout at each other. Not wanting to hear more of the awful thing going on, Eva had put her hands over her ears and had run out of the house and into the barn to hide there.

A few days later her mother approached her with total awkwardness and tried to explain that she was "only going to be away for a couple of months and that there was this big opportunity, which she couldn't miss out on. And of COURSE she would come and pick up Eva as SOON as everything was settled and her future secured." This was now twenty years ago. Eva had turned to Granny and had hidden behind her skirts, refusing even to talk to her mother. From that moment on, Granny was the only relative whom Eva ever came to accept, the only one she ever trusted completely and the only one she ever cared for and whose judgment, in all that was hard to deal with, was like the verdict of King Solomon out of the Bible. That was why Eva was on her way to Granny now, and Granny had never let her down.

Eva knew that without Granny she might even have died as her own parents eventually did. Coming thus far in her roaming thoughts, Eva always closed a door inside. She knew that it was a matter which she hadn't fully penetrated and which was so filled with pain that she couldn't really touch on it yet. Eva knew that Granny was aware of this too, and Granny had refrained from talking about it save for the mere practical details which were necessary to know and to deal with. Since Eva hadn't had any opportunity to get to know her father, the news of his death and the implications of it, only had to do with the silent sorrow Granny harbored. Eva mourned with Granny and mourned that she couldn't feel any real feelings when confronted with her father's death. It might as well have been that of a distant relative. Her father had died the death of a mercenary soldier in a meaningless war somewhere in Africa. Eva's mother had survived him with more than ten years and was eventually found in a pad in San Francisco, dead from an overdose of heroin. Over the years, Eva had received the odd letters from her mother and once even a telephone call. These sparse contacts had only enhanced her feeling of loneliness. Eva felt that she was left to cater for herself, and that she was the only one capable of chiseling out her own future. Yet again, she knew that without Granny she wouldn't have made it through these difficult times. She felt a wave of warmth and love wash over her when thinking of the old woman.

Lost in her memories, Eva almost missed the first sound of a vehicle approaching her. When she was a child and waited at the side of the road for someone to fetch her, she had amused herself to find out how long it took for the car to reach her from the moment she spotted it. Now she saw the cloud of dust in the distance and heard the engine of the old Ford very clearly. She laughed quietly. She knew that it was Granny herself coming to pick her up because no one cared to drive that rickety old car but Granny.

Eva was on her feet before the car had come to a stop, and she ran up towards the woman who disengaged herself from the wheel with some difficulty. They hugged and performed a little dance on the road and they could almost have fallen to the ground, hadn't Eva stopped them in time.

"It's so wonderful to be back again..."

"I've missed you so much these months..."

They spoke breathlessly at the same time and started to laugh. At last they managed to look at each other fully and composedly.

"You've really been gone so long this time," Granny said. Then she started to look Eva over scrutinizing. "You've lost even more weight since I saw you last. You're not eating properly there in New York!"

"Oh Granny! Don't worry, everything is fine and I'm fine," Eva laughed. "Come on now, let's go home, we can't stand here in the middle of the road, the sun will be setting soon."

So at last they went for the car and started their way to the farm, a drive Eva knew would take them around half an hour from here. She had done it so many times before. Every weekend during school days for example. When she had started school, she had gone to live with her uncle Marshall in Huron. Marshall was Granny's oldest son and a lawyer with a blooming business in the city. Granny always said that God had given all the mirth to Eva's father and only left the gloom for Marshall. All the same, the latter was a pillar of strength, and Eva knew that neither she nor Granny would have coped without him and all the help he had provided when Eva's parents had died. Eva also knew that Marshall took care of all legal business tied to the farm which was a great relief for Granny.

"Have you had any news from Marshall as of late?" Eva asked, thinking about him now.

"Yes, dear, everything is fine and he sends his love. He might come with the family for the weekend, but it is not fully decided yet. That depends on how much work his present case in court will burden him with."

"Ah!" Eva exclaimed. "Granny, I don't know if I will be able to stay all the way to the weekend. You see, that depends on the decision I have to make. And Granny, that is what I need to talk to you about. But not here in the car. You will not want to listen to me now."

"On the contrary," Granny replied. "Here is as good a place as any. We will not be disturbed by anyone."

So, Eva began then to unburden her mind to Granny on the decision that might change her life forever.

It all had to do with work; the line of work Eva had chosen for herself. Or perhaps it would be more accurate in telling of her passion because sometimes that word was a better description. Eva was but a child when she displayed a talent for working with colors. When no canvases were around to use, she used her own face and that of anyone who complied to be transformed into a clown, cat, fairy or monster; all according to the whim of the artist. Eva was never in any doubt that this would eventually be her vocation, and she applied to a college in California where she could pursue her talents and become the makeup artist she wanted to be.

The practice was the fun part. Eva teamed up with another student, Janet, who was perhaps even more daring in her choices of color and hairstyle than Eva was herself, and together they offered to do makeup jobs in small theaters and for young aspiring Hollywood stars and charged nothing for their services. Janet's big break came when she fell in love with a country musician. She went off with him to Nashville and eventually landed a top job there, doing the makeup for a TV show. Eva used to marvel at reading Janet's name in the credits at the end of the episodes and shows. Eva was more drawn to the theater than to TV show biz though. As she had always wanted to live on the East Coast, she tried her luck in New York. She knew of course that she hadn't made it easy for herself. She dared hardly think of all the aspiring makeup artists who were in the area at the same time, all waiting for the big chance to turn up, for the opportunities to open up towards fame and glory. However, Eva persisted and finally got a steady job as an assistant at a TV station, making people ready for the camera and the live interviews moreover doing the makeup for the news anchors before they went online. Eva was content with her life. She supported herself and didn't have to ask for help from anyone. She even managed to get herself a small flat in Brooklyn in a quiet area which felt very far from the bustling city uptown. She met Janet now and then, especially when Janet visited New York together with her fiancé, the musician. Janet confided in her that she had consented to follow the band on the next tour, if she could manage to get vacation from her TV show for a couple of months. Eva wondered a bit at the restlessness in her friend, but at the same time she understood that Janet maybe didn't want her boyfriend to go away for such a long time without her. After all, who knew what temptations he might meet on the road? Janet wouldn't want to find that out. Yes, Eva understood, but she didn't discuss it with her friend.

All the same, life on tour seemed to agree with Janet. She became known for her very good work among the pros in the trade, and before Janet knew it SHE was the one in demand and not her boyfriend. This proved to be a tension which their relationship didn't hold for in the end, and eventually they drifted apart. Eva got the details by and by as they dropped in via letters, emails and telephone calls. In the meantime Janet was a rising star in her line of business.

Then, one day, the lives of Eva and Janet converged again in a fatal way. It was this development Eva wanted to discuss with Granny.

"You see, Granny," Eva began, "Janet called me the other day and had a proposition for me. And I don't know if I shall take this job or not."

"Janet, yes," Granny mused absent-mindedly, keeping her eyes on the road. "How is she these days? As busy as ever?"

Eva didn't answer directly, but continued her story. "Janet has really been eating life with a silver spoon! She got this terrific offer and should have been on her way to her life's adventure, you see. I had heard that she was to join the world tour of Julian Woolfe!!"

"Who?"

"But Granny!!!" Eva was really exasperated now. "Of course you must have heard about Julian Woolfe! He is a superstar from Britain and he has been a top billing for at least ten years now, in the class of George Michael and Beyoncé!"

"Eva, dear," Granny broke her off with her most infuriating innocence. "I don't have the slightest notion whom you are talking about. You MUST know that I only listen to radio in the evenings and then only to the local news..." Her voice trailed off as Eva started to laugh.

"Granny, my sweet lovely Granny, don't pretend innocence! I know, since helping you tidying up in your wardrobe years ago that you have kept newspaper clippings from YOUR faves at the time. So if I say that Julian Woolfe today is what your Mario Lanza and Enrico Caruso were at the time, then you might get it."

"Hum!" Granny muttered. "But Mario Lanza never went on a tour!"

"No, that's right, because it wasn't done that way in those days. It was almost enough to show up outside Grauman's Chinese Theater in Los Angeles. But today it's vital to reach the fans in person, all of them. So all of these super artists are going around the world almost endlessly. Look at Bob Dylan! Do you think he'll ever stop now?

"Hum," Granny said again because Bob Dylan was at least not unknown to her. "Well, so Janet was to go on tour," Granny continued. "Is that what you are telling me? And you use past tense. So what has happened?"

"Janet called me last Sunday from the hospital in Nashville which is still her base, you know, and said that she had been operated on! She had broken her right leg in no less than three places when she slipped on the wet tiles by the pool in her gym and fell down the stairs leading to the water. She was rushed to surgery and it was successful. But of course, she'll be out of focus for the rest of the year. Personally, the only thing that is of importance for me is that Janet can walk again. I'm sooo sad for her. But then she started to talk of this situation and the work she had been offered with Woolfe. She told me that she had already been in contact with Maryka Vollerhofen who is Julian Woolfe's personal assistant. Miss Vollerhofen is the one with all the decisions in her hand, and Janet recommended that they would sign ME up instead. I was to expect a telephone call from this Miss Vollerhofen the next day."

"And she called too. She sounded very formal in the phone I must say. And I guess that I was a bit colored by all the stories I've heard of her. Being the tiger and bully that everyone has to pass, before gaining access to Julian's person, and guarding him with her life. Maybe half of it is true and the rest the usual crap, but fact remains. Any person to work closely with Julian Woolfe must be approved by her."

"I tried to sound casual and interested at the same time, and I told her that I needed around two days to find out if I could manage to get out of my present obligations to be able to join. She answered that she understood that I needed some time to make arrangements, but more than two days she couldn't wait. And Granny, this was yesterday. So I HAVE to give an answer tomorrow. And if I accept, I will fly to Fort Lauderdale the day after. So you see, I might not be able to stay the weekend after all. But I so need to talk this over with you. Please don't answer now. Let's talk seriously about it later on, after dinner."

At last Eva fell silent.

Granny patted her arm, and she did it softly conveying all the comfort Eva had always needed, and Granny didn't have to tell her that all would be good in the end. Eva would never doubt that in Granny's presence; the only fear and chill in her heart being the thought of how long Granny would still remain a vital presence in her life.

"I've cooked you favorite Chicken Supreme for dinner," Granny ventured instead of launching in any reflections on Eva's tale. "We'll eat as soon as you have washed a bit."

They made the rest of the journey in silence.

**********

It was a lovely dinner and as usual in Granny's place, a rather lively affair. One would think that Granny lived a quiet and almost lonely life out there on the plains, but nothing could be farther from the truth. Although Granny was a widow from before Eva ever came to live with her, Granny's house had always been full of people. Three farmhands had always been present on the estate, and one of them was now married too with a small family to support. His wife helped Granny in the kitchen, and the children filled the house, the stables and the barns with life and laughter, and Eva guessed that they looked on Granny the way she had done too already from the start; as a pillar of strength and an endless source of real goodness, care and love.

Left to themselves in the big living room, Eva lit a fire in the big fireplace and went to fetch the coffee.

"Granny, you see," Eva called from the kitchen. "Miss Vollerhofen told me that if I accepted to sign up, I would have to do that for the full tour. There would be no breaking off and leaving in the middle. And she also told me, that however sorry she felt for Janet under the circumstance, she didn't consider Janet an option any longer. Again, if Janet couldn't be available for the whole period, she was out of the game. And I don't know if Janet is aware of this. I guess so. Perhaps after all. She's been in this trade for a while, and I think she would know the rules. But STILL, I'm so split and torn by this fact! I feel as if I were stealing her job and her position. What shall I do, Granny? Please tell me what to do."

"My sweet," Granny said, "the most important part is however one you haven't touched on yet, have you? I mean, what about your present work? You have a work to go to every day — well, almost. I know since you work nights, you get a couple of extra days off in between. But you must have taken into consideration that if you jump on this bandwagon, you will have to quit this work." Granny's face had now taken on a serious expression.

Eva hid her face in her hands. "Yes Granny," she whispered, "I HAVE been thinking of this. I know that if I decide on committing myself to this tour, I have to quit my present job. First of all, I can take out some vacation of course. You know as well as I do, that I haven't had a proper vacation for two years now, so I've accumulated a bit. And mind you, I'm not going lie to these people back there. I can't lie about anything, not even in the form of white lies. I'll ask for my vacation and if they want to know the reason why, then I'll tell them. And if they want to sack me then, fair enough. From my own point of view, I'm certain of that I'll know within a week if I'll stay on this tour or not."

Granny shook her head a bit, and now she looked almost sad.

"Eva, my little girl, you have no idea of how much of both your mother and father that I see in you at this very moment. The same urge to do what one has to do. And I guess I won't be able to stop you, as little as I managed to stop them. The only consolation being that your quest at least contains elements of reasoning and substance. And perhaps you will make a success out of it. As for your friend Janet, you must know deep down inside that Janet wouldn't even have mentioned you to these people, had she felt jealousy towards you for taking her place. No, as far as I can gather, she is really giving you a precious gift; an opportunity that would never have come your way otherwise. And if you are only thinking of her, the choice must be an easy one."