Our gazes locked and we stood silent for a moment. I was trying to understand what was happening and she was apparently trying to build up her courage to continue with what she had planned.
"Wow!" I finally said. "You look beautiful."
Carrie smiled, uncertain of how else to respond. "Thank you." She moved closer and took my hands in hers. "I guess you've been thinking about this afternoon."
I nodded, my eyes never leaving hers.
"I haven't thought of anything else," she admitted. "I came up with a dozen reasons not to do this, but when I was honest with myself, they were more excuses than reasons. The fact is, when you kissed me, I hadn't felt so much joy in a very long time. But, before I go any further, I need to know your intentions and if you even want to pursue this further."
I stood looking at Carrie for a few seconds as I tried to compose my own thoughts. When she started looking concerned by my lack of response, I quickly told her, "You've caught me a little off-guard. You're right about me thinking of this afternoon ever since I left here. I tried to honestly answer what I felt about you and what kind of relationship I wanted to have with you, if any. "
I took a deep breath and then continued, "I don't know if I'm in love with you or not. I've never been in love with a girl before, but I do know that I feel closer and more attracted to you than anyone else in my life, except my mother." I realized how that must have sounded almost as soon as I said it and saw Carrie suppress a smile. "I don't mean I'm attracted to my mother," I quickly tried to clarify myself. "I mean, I love her and everything, but I don't feel physically attracted to her like I do to you." Now, I was just jabbering. And I knew deep in my heart that I was finding Mom physically attractive and even had thoughts that I knew were not appropriate or socially acceptable, but there was no way I was telling Carrie about that.
"I know what you meant," she said quietly to help me out.
"As for my intentions, I haven't even thought that far ahead!" I concluded. "I'm new to all this kind of stuff and just winging it as I go along. I don't know what you want or expect from me." As soon as I finished talking, my eyes drifted down her body and I finally took in what she was wearing and how beautiful and sexy she appeared.
She must have watched me looking at her scantily clad frame, because when she spoke up and I looked back into her eyes, her whole face was smiling. "What I expect from you is honesty, respect, and discretion. What I want is a man who will love me and my children fully and unconditionally. That's an awful lot for me to ask from you at this point in your life. You've barely started adulthood and have a lot to explore and experience, so I'm not going to ask you to give up those possibilities just to be with me."
"So, here's the thing. I'm not looking for a one-night stand or even a friends-with-benefits kind of relationship. Those are too tawdry for me. I'm offering you true friendship, first. We don't have to go any further on a physical relationship and I would be quite happy knowing you as a good friend. If you do want to include a physical relationship to our friendship, then you need to understand that I will commit myself to you and insist that you give me the same kind of respect. I won't be your 'booty call' and if you need more than I can give you, then our relationship will end right away." Carrie waited to see my reaction before proceeding.
"So, my question is still, what are your intentions?" she asked.
We were still holding hands as I looked down at her upturned, oval face in the dim light of her foyer and she patiently waited for my reply. I thought through what she had said and reviewed my own thoughts and feelings trying to fully understand them.
Finally, I reached a conclusion. "As much as I want to make love to you right now, I don't think either one of us knows that much about the other to make the kind of commitment you describe. We've known each other for a little more than one week and it hasn't been under anything like normal circumstances, so our basis of understanding is very limited. I came over here this evening not knowing what to expect. What I was most afraid of was losing you completely and frankly, I spent most of my time trying to prepare myself for that eventuality. Knowing that I haven't lost you is a huge relief to me and I'm still trying to assimilate that. What I didn't expect was to find you standing here dressed like that and prepared to offer more than friendship. I'm still coming to grips with that. Regardless of what happens after tonight, I'll always think kindly and lovingly about you, and I'm sure I'll still fantasize about you, too," I said with a grin.
Carrie smiled at my last comment. "So, you fantasize about me?" she commented with a raised eyebrow.
"Only in the most sexually stimulating way," I assured her with a laugh. Then, becoming serious again, I continued. "I'm sure I'll regret saying this, but how about we postpone any decisions on the physical part of our relationship and revisit them at a later date after we've both cooled off a little and gotten to know each other better?"
Carrie smiled again. "That's the most kind and mature rejection I've ever had. I'm liking you more and more already."
"Oh-ho! I'm not rejecting you at all. It's all I can do to keep from ripping your clothes off right now and ravishing you!" I responded with a matching smile. "You should consider my comment as protection, not rejection of you."
"Hmmmm. That's a novel way of looking at things. What if I told you I lied and the only thing I want to do is take you in my bedroom and fuck your brains out?" she countered.
"I'd say I didn't know you as well as I thought, because that's the last thing I would have expected from you."
"C'mon," Carrie said as she started dragging me towards the back of the house. "It's time you learned more about me!"
"What about your kids?" I protested as I let her pull me along.
"They're with their father all month, so we have the place to ourselves. By the way, my neighbors are both half-deaf, so you don't have to be quiet in bed," she said with a wicked smile.
