Iāve written this story in my journal many times. Each time I tell this tale to myself, I remember another half forgotten detail about the wonderful woman who taught me how to make wild, passionate love. I know I will never tire of repeating this story.
Arlene Calvin was the love of my life. Yes, thatās right, Arlene Calvin; the famous actress you see on late night talk shows and the covers of supermarket tabloids. These days sheās best known for her TV appearances as a zap-gun toting, science fiction sex symbol. In each show she glides across the small screen, living fast and loving even faster. I read the other day that she gets about two million dollars per movie now and even more for her TV series, but when I met her she was doing summer stock theatre for a thousand dollars a week.
I wasnāt a virgin when Arlene Calvin took me to her bed, but I may as well have been. One fumbling fornication in the back of the family mini van on senior prom night, and that was it: the sum total of my experience with women. That girlās name was Olga Praski, and she was no more experienced than I was. We were just two young people eager to celebrate our high school graduation. Olga and I would probably have gone immediately onto bigger things, including marriage and a family, if it hadnāt been for my summer job. Taking that job was how I met Arlene.
Iād signed up for a government subsidised employment program which provided summer jobs for college bound students. The pay was terrible, but the jobs were often interesting adventures. Eager to experience something different, I applied for a position as a stagehand at a theatre in San Francisco. I knew even less about theatre than I did about sex, but being unskilled worked in my favour. The theatre could say it was training an unemployable, which was a requirement to qualify for other federal arts grants. Thatās why I left a teary eyed Olga Praski waving goodbye to me at the Greyhound depot, and headed off to meet the love of my life in California.
The Rex was an old vaudeville hall, saved from the wrecking ball and partially refurbished by a small group of influential theatre lovers. It managed to stay solvent with its annual government grants plus box office revenues from a string of silly but popular comedies. The show staged that summer was called The Sorcererās Sex Life. It was a corny story about a Victorian magician who couldnāt get anywhere with women, because his truly magical assistant would always get jealous and mess up his relationships. It was a bit like that old TV show, I Dream of Jeannie. Arlene Calvin played the naughty assistant, but I was the only one who knew how incredibly naughty she really was.
Each time the magician was about to accomplish a seduction, Arleneās character would enter, invisible to the lovers, and do something wicked to extinguish the coupleās passion. Then sheād vanish in a cloud of smoke leaving the audience roaring with laughter. There were four trap doors in the floor of the old stage, and each time Arlene had to vanish, sheād drop through one of these openings. Arlene would stand over a trap door, with her feet on taped marks to the sides of the hinged panels. Her Victorian costume hid the trap door from view, so someone could open it from below as she delivered her exit lines. When the puff of smoke appeared, Arlene would spring up a few inches and snap her heels together, plunging through the floor. Growing up on a farm in North Dakota, there had always been lots of heavy chores to do, which left me with a sturdy physique, so I was chosen as the stagehand to open the spring loaded trap door, set its automatic closing device, and catch Arlene Calvin as she fell. If I had known this task was to be mine all summer long, Iād have gladly taken the job without pay.
There were only two ways to access the room below the stage. One was to enter from a door in the orchestra pit. This was impossible during a show, because there was no room to move around the musicians, and it would have been too distracting for the audience anyway. The other access was a door at the back of the stage cellar, which opened at the bottom of a winding metal staircase. The stairs led up to a landing one floor above the stage. From that landing one could take a fire access out of the building, or another door into the stairway to the dressing rooms, but there was no direct access to backstage. As a result, the stage manager didnāt expect me back in a hurry after Arleneās exits, and there was no easy way for him to make sure I wasnāt taking advantage of the situation. Catching Arlene four times a night, therefore, meant four lengthy breaks from more mundane backstage duties. That was a bonus in itself, but it wasnāt the greatest benefit of the job.
We began with a week of intensive rehearsals. Arlene usually dressed in slacks, and a sweater or blouse for the rehearsals. Like most actresses sheās an athletic woman, but the bright floodlights would leave her partially blinded and disoriented when she fell into the darkness under the stage. She relied totally on me to catch her or help her keep her balance, before she landed on the huge bean bag under the trap door. The director was terrified Arlene would twist an ankle landing on that bean bag, so he asked me to catch her every time, and I was happy to oblige. Before the rehearsal week was over, there was scarcely an inch of Arlene Calvinās voluptuous body that had not slid into my waiting grasp.
The last few rehearsals were performed in full dress. When she fell through in full Victorian costume, her long skirt would flare and envelope me. The tight Victorian waist of the costume was actually made of loose elastic and fastened with Velcro, so there wasnāt much chance of me getting a neck injury. I was concerned, however, that if I remained upright her skirt would become entangled with my head and shoulders, and prevent her from descending all the way to the bean bag. That would have resulted in her receiving a bang on the head from the trap door as it sprang shut. To evade that possibility we agreed that I should fall with her into the bean bag, with my head and torso still under her skirt. This wasnāt as exciting as it sounds, because underneath the costume she wore a two piece flesh coloured Spandex body leotard, and as soon as we landed she would pause briefly to retrieve her hem, recover her eyesight, then dash off to prepare for her next entry. The playwright had written the scenes so she had plenty of time after each of these difficult exits before making her next entry, but with opening night angst rising steadily, Arleneās nerves would not allow her to relax for a moment during rehearsals.
Opening night was even more frantic. I was as jittery as the rest of the cast and crew; anxious to get everything right, and worried that I would be the one to make the blunder that would ruin the entire show. When Arlene fell into my arms that night I noticed immediately that she was drenched with perspiration. It was soaking right through the Spandex.
āArlene youāre wringing wet. How can you act properly when youāre soaked like this?ā I asked as we sat on the bean bag after her smokey exit. Naive little me was genuinely concerned that she might overheat and collapse on stage.
She stared at me, her eyes glazing as they adjusted to the darkness.
āDoes my sweaty body bother you?ā she quipped coldly. I was glad it was so dark under the stage, because I felt myself blushing like a ten-year-old.
āOf course not. Itās very...ā
The words still in my head tied my tongue in a knot. I almost told Arlene Calvin, who had already appeared on both the Oprah Winfrey and Letterman shows, that I enjoyed the feel of her sweaty body. My stoic prairie upbringing, however, prevented me from completing the brazen sentence. Arlene obviously understood my discomfort. She smiled warmly, leaned toward me and gave me a peck on the cheek.
āYouāre sweet,ā she said, āand youāre right. Itās far too hot up there.ā
She gathered up her hem and dashed off to her dressing room as she had during the dress rehearsals. Arlene had three more exits like that on opening night, and they all went much the same way. A saturated actress would drop into my arms, my hands sliding over the Spandex until I could grip her somewhere in the vicinity of her ribcage. Then we would fall together onto the bean bag, my face pressed against the wet fabric. Neither of us mentioned her obvious discomfort again that night. We both continued with our work like seasoned professionals.