Safe in the Lion's Den

I packed everything up and did an idiot check, while Sophia dried her hair and got dressed. By the time we were ready to check out, it was close to 6:00 AM.

"Did you see anything interesting in those brochures?" I inquired of her.

"A lot," she replied, holding up a colorful brochure, "but what is this Luray Caverns and hear rocks sing, thing?"

"That was one of the two places that I wanted you to see along the way." I responded. "I haven't been there in close to forty years. They're some of the most beautiful caverns in the world, and they have a special musical instrument they call a stalacpipe organ. Do you know how a piano works?"

Sophia nodded.

"Yes," she replied, "it has padded hammers that hit the wires and make the sounds."

"Very good!" I complimented her. "Well, this one doesn't hit strings; the hammers hit cave formations that ring in the same notes instead. It sounds like someone playing spooky bells."

"Oh wow, I want to see that!" she exclaimed excitedly.

"Me too." Portia added. "It sounds like it might be fun."

"Well, it probably doesn't open until Nine or so," I said, checking my watch, "so we have about three hours to kill. Let's get some breakfast first of all, and see what time it is. Perhaps there might be some shops open that we can browse through by then."

I made one last check of the room and bathroom, and closed the door.

"Let's check out." I stated, heading back across the parking lot to the office. "C'mon."

I put my arm around Portia's waist as we entered the tiny lobby, and the same woman from the evening before, greeted us with a smile.

"Hello again." she addressed us pleasantly, and then added as if it were no big deal: "Saw y'all on TV last night."

I pressed my right palm to my forehead and grit my teeth.

"So you must be President MacDonald's niece." she said, looking at Sophia.

"Yes," she replied, "and this is my Nanny-Ann."

I turned my head and did my best to stifle my laughter. This kid had the makings of either a great actress, or a politician, like her mother.

The woman looked at Portia intently.

"You look familiar too, Ann." she said, as though scanning her memory. "You look like a politician or something."

Portia shifted uncomfortably, and I seized the opportunity to pull another cop-undercover-as-a-cop routine.

"That prime minister chick." I offered. "Portia Baloney or something. Yeah, she does resemble her a bit, I guess - if she wore glasses - but I think the prime minister has a much bigger ass."

I did my best to stifle a snicker, but my levity was quickly -- and painfully -- cut short, as Portia reached around and pinched my right nipple between her thumb and forefinger. I clenched my teeth and fought a wince, as I continued.

"We'd like to check out." I said, as I reached out and put my hand around Portia's arm, moving it away from me.

We exchanged glares, as the woman returned my deposit and change.

"There you go!" she said with a smile. "Y'all have a blessed day, now!"

"You as well." I replied, as we left the lobby.

"What the fuck is the idea of giving me a purple nurple like that?" I demanded, lifting my shirt and rubbing the sore spot. "That hurt!"

"You said I had a big ass!" she retorted.

Despite my annoyance at what had just happened, I couldn't help but laugh.

"No I didn't." I responded. "I said Portia Baloney had a big ass, not you. You're Nanny-Ann, remember? Believe it or not, it was actually a backhanded compliment."

"It didn't sound like one." she muttered.

"Well it was," I stated, "and you happen to have a nice ass, by the way. Remember how I used to go undercover as myself? Well, that's what just happened there. Learn to be a Portia Leoni lookalike, and laugh it off. It'll work every time. Just roll with me when I do something off the cuff like that, and quit being so goddamn Italian all the time, would you?"

"Could you stop being so American?" she inquired pointedly.

"No." I admitted.

"Then don't ask me to stop being myself." she stated.

"I'm not." I sighed. "I'm just asking you to turn it down a bit, okay? There's got to be a volume knob there, somewhere."

"Okay, Guy." she grumbled. "I'm sorry."

"Me too." I added.

"For what?" she inquired.

"This!" I responded, as I reached out and pinched her left nipple through her top.

"Ow!" she hollered. "That hurt, you asshole!"

"No shit!" I barked back at her. "If you ever do that to me again, I'll pinch both of them next time. Now come on, let's find someplace to get some breakfast."

"You two are nuts!" Sophia giggled.

I looked at Portia and we both shrugged, then I opened the car doors for both of my guests.

"Okay, let's see what we can find." I said, as I cruised down the street. "Hey look, a breakfast buffet!"

"What is that?" Portia inquired, as I turned into the parking lot. "I don't understand."

"All you can eat." I replied. "You'll love it. Just try not to eat too much though. We'll have a long walk inside of that cave."

We were seated and our drink orders taken, and I motioned for Portia and Sophia to follow me to the buffet bar.

"What is this?" Sophia exclaimed. "Look at all of this food!"

"Take as much as you want." I explained. "Don't take too much at a time though. You can always come back. Just leave the empty plate at the table, and grab a new one each time."

"How do they keep track of how many times we come back?" Portia asked in a puzzled tone. "Do they count the plates on the table?"

"They don't." I said with a chuckle. "You only pay once. I told you, it's all you can eat."

"I don't understand the concept." she stated.

"Just keep coming back until you're full." I explained. "Its the same price, whether you take one plate, or seven."

"What if you take eight?" Sophia inquired in a teasing voice.

"You still only pay for one." I replied. "They don't have these over there?"

"No," Portia said, shaking her head, "but I sure like the idea!"

"They have places that do this for lunch and dinner too." I added. "I don't know how they make a profit, but it's the place to go, if you have a big appetite."

We loaded up our plates and returned to our table, where I watched Sophia in amusement, as she began devouring her scrambled eggs and sausage with gusto.

"Slow down, Princess." I cautioned. "No need to inhale your food. We have plenty of time, and there's plenty of food at the bar."

Sophia opened her mouth to retort - as children will do - and suddenly began coughing, as an unchewed piece of sausage lodged in her throat. She placed her hand around her neck, and I knew she was choking. I immediately jumped out of my chair and pulled her chair back, lifting her to her feet and performing a Heimlich maneuver on her. The sausage popped out of her mouth, and I set her back down in her chair.

"Are you okay?" I inquired.

Sophia nodded, tears rolling down her cheeks from the experience.

"Yes, thank you." she replied, wiping her face with a napkin. "I guess I should have listened to you."

Onlookers' gazes quickly dispelled, as everything returned to normal.

"When I said to stop inhaling your food, I didn't mean it literally." I said dryly. "We have plenty of time, and unlimited refills. Besides, aren't you the one who told your mother to stop talking with food in her mouth last night?"

Sophia giggled and nodded, as Portia placed her hand on top of mine.

"Thank you." she whispered, with a look of gratitude.

"Oh shuckins, Ma'am." I responded in a Hollywood-style Western drawl; pulling down the imaginary brim of a Stetson hat. "T'warnt nuthin'."

We shared a smile; a warm smile that seemed to cement our earlier encounter regarding her daughter.

"It wasn't 'nothing.'" she said quietly. "You're always there, just when we need you, like a wraith or something."

I left it at that, and forty five minutes - and several trips to the buffet and back later - we were all pretty much full.

"I can see why so many Americans are overweight." Portia observed. "Do you eat like this all the time?"

"Some people do," I replied, "but I never eat out anymore. I'd rather stay at home and eat. It's no fun going out alone. Yesterday and today were a bit of a treat for me."

"Us too, I think." Portia agreed. "I've never eaten food like this before. And we've never been able to eat in peace like this before, either. No one has come up to me wanting to talk or get an autograph. I kind of like it."

With that, I paid our bill and we wandered along the sidewalk, looking for a shop that was open. By now a few were, and first one we came to was a toy and book store. We entered, and began wandering around, perusing the items. I spied a bin in the aisle, which contained dozens of plastic laser guns, and picked one up. Upon pulling the trigger, a circle of LEDs lit up in a circular pattern around the muzzle, while a cheap, greeting card-quality laser sound emitted from the gun. With a grin, I displayed my badge and aimed the toy in Portia and Sophia's general directions.

"Space Police!" I called out authoritatively, pulling the trigger several times and causing the gun to "fire" repeatedly.

Both Portia and Sophia giggled in response, and I happened to glance over at another customer, who was staring at me with his mouth hanging wide open in stunned silence. I don't know if he thought I was crazy or not, but the look on his face was still funny as hell. He merely shook his head, and walked away.

"Ooh, Jack!" Sophia called out. "May I try that please?"

"Ask your mother," I responded, "but it's okay with me."

Portia nodded, and I handed Sophia the piece of Chinese junk. The girl squealed happily, as she pulled the trigger time and again.

"Let me get it for her." I suggested to Portia, who nodded in agreement. "I kind of like having someone to get something for. I know you two aren't going to be in my life for long, so I'd kind of like to spoil you both, if I may. It's been a long time since I've been able to do that."

"That's very sweet of you," Portia replied, "and to be honest, it's been a long time since anyone took the time to do something like that for either one of us. I don't want you wasting money on us though."

"John gave me ten thousand dollars to look after you." I said with a smile. "I want to make sure he gets his money's worth."

"He is." she said softly. "In so many ways. And so are we."

The moment was interrupted by Sophia's excited voice.

"Look Mama, a tiger!" she exclaimed, as she darted toward a shelf lined with stuffed animals. "They have a white one too!"

She set the laser pistol down, and picked up a large, black and white Siberian tiger; hugging it tightly.

"She loves tigers." Portia explained. "Especially the ones that Sigmund and Freud use."

"Siegfried and Roy." I said with a chuckle. "Can I get it for her?"

Portia nodded, and gave me a warm smile.

"If you want to spoil her, I don't mind." she replied. "Jack, you have been more of a father to her in the past two days, than her real father has been in her entire life. I don't know how to say this, but I almost wish that you WERE her papa. You have treated her - a stranger - better than her own chooch of a father. As long as you don't buy her a machine gun, I'll leave it up to you."

"Nah," I said with a smile, as I put my arm around her, "she doesn't get a machine gun until she's at least ten. Next summer, maybe."

"You ass!" Portia laughed. "But knowing you, I'd say you're probably only half joking."

"Hey Princess," I called to Sophia, "the gun and tiger are yours. See if there's anything else you'd like."

"For real?!" she inquired, her eyes lighting up. "I'd like a coloring book and some crayons. It's so boring riding in the car."

"See what you can find." I replied. "Your mother says I have executive privilege to authorize these monetary decisions."

I turned back to Portia.

"Is there anything you'd like to look at?" I inquired.

"No," she replied, reaching out and touching the ring on my necklace, "this is her store today. My day will come later."

It was a gesture that at the time seemed meaningless, but it would later have significant meaning to me. I brushed it off, as Sophia excitedly picked up a coloring book and waved it around.

"Look, Mama!" she exclaimed. "It's Tom and Jerry!"

I had to smile, as that is my favorite cartoon. In fact, a former love interest that I was cyber dating at the time, had sent me a full box set of the original series, along with every piece of marzipan that her local World Market had in stock, for my birthday one year. I was about to comment, when she made another announcement.

"The Little Mermaid!" she shrieked. "Oh no, which one do I want?!"

I glanced at Portia, who nodded slightly in return; giving me the authority to make the decision. I smiled at her and nodded back.

"You have to pick one." I instructed. "I have all of the old Tom and Jerry cartoons on DVD, if you want to watch them. Maybe you should get the mermaid instead?"

Sophia thought for a moment, and shook her head.

"No, I want this one." she said, placing the mermaid book back. "And I'd love to watch those videos. Thank you."

I smiled at her, and glanced at my watch.

"Let's check out and head toward the cave." I suggested. "We can be first in line."

"We're always first in line." Portia said softly. "No matter where we go, we are always first in line, and usually, the only ones in line. They keep everyone else away from us. Just once, I'd like to be like everyone else."

Her words hit hard. I remembered the first time that I had run for office, when scathing articles about me regarding a controversial book I had written, hit the news like a ton of bricks. I can still remember sitting on the edge of my patio at 2:30 AM with my head in my hands, saying, "I just want my life back." I could only imagine what it was like, for this woman and her daughter, to face this kind of crap every day, with the Media in their faces 24/7.

"I think that's the main reason John asked me to look after you." I ventured. "His guys are airtight. The last thing you two needed, was to be placed under lock and key. I think- Oh shit! I forgot to call him!"

I frantically pulled the sat phone from my pocket and hit the Archangel contact.

"Hello Jack." John's calm voice answered. "Someone forgot to call me last night."

"Dude, I am so sorry." I apologized. "I was dead tired when we checked in, and I plumb forgot. Totally my fault."

"I figured," he replied casually, "but since it's approaching 9:00 AM, I would have thought that a quick check-in was appropriate. I would have thought that you would be up by now, to follow up."

"I am so sorry!" I apologized. "We found this breakfast bar, and then this toy store, and Sophia wanted a coloring book and-"

"I understand!" John interrupted. "Look Jack, let me cut through all of the bullshit here. This woman just lost her throne, for all intents and purposes. Yes, I want you to keep them safe, but I could have done that with a special envoy detail. I wanted them to feel more at home by taking them to your spread, and if you want to buy the kid a coloring book, I don't care, JUST KEEP ME IN THE FUCKING LOOP!"

"Will do." I apologized. "And if you don't hear from me, you always have my number."

"You're an asshole sometimes; you know that?" John retorted. "I swear, sometimes I think I made the-"

"Right decision." I cut in. "I like them, John. You know what happened to me. This is personal to me and you know it. For the first time in my life, I feel like I have something worth protecting. Buying a stuffed animal for that little girl made me feel like I made a difference... and you know what? I liked it! Why do I have to be such a nice guy all of a sudden? I was content being an angry asshole all the time."

John sighed, but followed with a warning.

"Just keep them safe!" was all he said.

I felt that all too-familiar pang in my throat and chest once again. No, no no! Not now! What was this? Why did it always hit me when I felt so content to be left alone? Why did I feel so much for this woman and her child? What was wrong with me?! Was anything even wrong, or was I just being human?

"I will." I replied. "By the way, what's the story on her end?"

"The rebel factions are still in control." he explained. "I think that in time, the populist branch will recover, but for now, she can't go home."

"Okay, thanks. I'll let her know." I responded. "I'll call you tonight. If I forget, call me."

"You asshole." John muttered, and ended the call.

"Well that went well." I grumbled, as I looked at Portia. "The president of the United States just called me an asshole. Twice, in fact. Let's pay for this stuff and head over to the caverns, shall we?"

We arrived at the world famous caverns about fifteen minutes later, and went into the gift shop to get tickets.

"Y'all are just in time!" a middle-aged woman exclaimed. "Next tour starts in two minutes, and y'all just filled it."

"Two adults and one child." I said, opening my wallet.

"Okay," she said with a smile. "Two adults at thirty four dollars-"

"It's WHAT?!" I asked incredulously. "Thirty four dollars for two adults?"

"No," she responded, "that's apiece. The girl is another seventeen dollars. It's eighty five dollars, plus tax."

I stared at her for a second, with a dumbfounded look on my face.

"The last time I was here," I said, as I handed her one of John's crisp one hundred dollar bills, "I think I paid something like eight or twelve bucks."

The woman stared at me in disbelief.

"I've never known it to be less than twenty five dollars," she stated, "and I've been here since high school. When was the last time that you were here?"

"July of 1986." I replied.

"Things have gone up a bit since then." she explained, trying to stifle a giggle. "I wasn't even born then."

"I can see that." I grumbled, as I took my change. "Good lord. I hope it's as good as I remember it."

We took our place at the rear of the line, and as we filed past the tour guide, I paused for a moment to speak with him.

"I'd kind of like to play a joke on my girlfriend and her daughter." I whispered. "I know you'll cut the lights off, but could you do it twice?"

He gave me an inquisitive look.

"Sure, I guess," he replied, "but what's the joke?"

"I've been trying to teach them about memorizing your position, and then moving around in the dark." I explained, as I pressed a folded twenty dollar bill into his palm. "There's no better place to demonstrate this, than in a cave. Just watch us every time you turn the lights off and on."

"Okay." he said with a shrug. "It's weird, but I'm game."

The tour commenced, and we followed the guide through amazing formations, finally stopping at the famous stalacpipe organ. He explained how it worked, and Sophia raised her hand.

"When do you play it?" she inquired.

The guide smiled.

"Only for certain occasions, like weddings." he responded. "We don't want to put too much stress on the speleothems. The music you heard earlier, is just a recording."

Sophia looked disappointed.

"I was hoping to see how it was played." she said dejectedly. "I play the piano."

Well, that certainly explained her knowledge of how a piano operates!

"Have you taken any lessons?" the guide inquired.

"She was trained in Vienna." Portia spoke up. "By the great, great, great grandson of Johann Sebastian Bach. Does that qualify as lessons?"

Now, I was really stunned. I had no clue that this impish little girl was a talented musician!

"Hey!" someone hollered from behind us. "Here's twenty bucks. Why don't you let the kid play?"

"If- if something happened and a formation broke, I would be in so- so much trouble." the guide stammered.

"Here's another hundred." I added, holding up another one of John's C notes. "Has that ever happened before?"