The Bravest Thing He Ever Did

Her face is not the moon, nor are her eyes

Twin lotuses, nor are her arms pure gold:

She's flesh and bone. What lies the poets told!

Ah, but we love her, we believe the lies.

--Bhartṛhari, 5th century AD

"We'll never get a booth at Town Square, Randy," Penny said as she and Missy decamped to Randy's car after the junior high holiday concert. "Half the school and their parents are gonna be there!"

"I know," Randy said as he unlocked the trunk for Penny to put her trombone case in. They both knew better than to ask Missy if she wanted to put her flute in the trunk as well; Missy never let it out of her sight. "That's why I asked Cassie to meet us there."

"Cassie!" Penny's eyes lit up. "Why didn't you tell me we were gonna see her?!"

"Didn't know myself until this afternoon," Randy said as he closed the trunk. "She called to see how you were holding up, and I invited her for after the concert."

"How you're holding up, Penny?" Missy asked.

"You know, Missy!" Penny admonished her best friend. Once Randy was in the car and momentarily out of earshot, she added, "I told you, Cassie was Randy's 'designated mother figure' for me, didn't I?"

"So?" Missy shrugged. Then, a long moment later, it dawned on her. "Oh! That! That's sweet of her, Penny. Almost a year since I got it and my mother hasn't asked me anything about it."

"I wish Cassie wouldn't ask me either," Penny said. "If I have questions, I'll ask. And I don't. But it's sweet of her to want to be there."

Randy made a point of changing the subject once the girls were in the car. "So what's your favorite dessert at Town Square, Missy?" he asked.

"The peanut butter cup sundae!" Missy said with a reverent gush in her voice.

"Ours too!" Randy said with a momentary glance at her as he backed the car up.

The aptly named Town Square Diner occupied a corner on what had once been the village green, back when their affluent suburb had been a small town. That was long before Randy had come to town, but he'd always loved the quaint atmosphere that kept the past just a little bit alive in the suburb where fate had landed him and Penny together. That atmosphere had kept the place from becoming a teen hangout, but on a night like this it was bound to be crawling with teenagers and their parents fresh from the concert.

Sure enough, it was. A clutch of hungry families were gathered around the Christmas tree between the cash register and the front door, with a few kid brothers and sisters openly begging for the pies on majestic display on the counter. The walls, always adorned with old photographs and bric-a-brac, were now also awash in garlands of red and green and silver and strings of twinkling lights of every hue. As Penny and Missy said their hellos to their embarrassed friends who were waiting with their parents, Randy stepped into the dining area and scanned the crowded tables and booths.

His eye landed on his oldest friend just as she spotted him and waved. "So glad you made it!" Cassie said, standing up to greet them. The lights danced on her long red hair, and once again Randy marveled at how nearly twenty years out of high school and now with a few extra pounds, she could still make a sweatshirt and jeans look chic. "I think they'd have demanded the booth for someone else if I waited five more minutes!" she added as she opened her arms for Randy.

"Thanks for holding the fort," Randy said, returning her hug.

"Sorry you missed the concert, though!" Penny said, taking her turn to embrace Cassie.

"I'll do my best to come to the next one, sweetie," Cassie said. Pulling back but not letting go of Penny just yet, she gave the girl a knowing look. "Everything okay?"

"As okay as it'll ever be." Penny gave Cassie a wry grin, and then made a point of sitting down beside Missy even though that was where Cassie had been sitting. Now more than ever, she had high hopes for Randy to open his eyes already.

Randy gave her little cause for hope; he slid over to give Cassie more space. Penny gave her godfather a wry look, but he was perusing the menu and didn't notice. "How's the meatloaf here?" he asked no one in particular.

Cassie laughed. "That's Jimmy's favorite, too. He says it's better than mine."

"Oh, nothing's as good as your mother's cooking!" Randy said. "I'll have to have a man to man talk with Jimmy next time."

"He was hoping to see you tonight, you know," Cassie said.

"Is he off with his father?" Penny asked her.

Cassie nodded with a sad smile. "He and his stepmother are taking him to the Caribbean for Christmas."

"Oh, I'm sorry!" Penny said, and she shot another meaningful look at Randy. This time, he did notice, and reached for her hand.

Before anything could come of it, the waitress arrived to take their orders. Once she was gone, Cassie said, "It's quite all right. Jimmy didn't even want to go. He's scared to death Santa won't find him in a place with no snow!" She laughed, and the others joined in.

"Well, listen, Cass," Randy said. "If you haven't got anyplace else to be on Christmas, Penny and I'd love to have you over."

"We sure would!" Penny added a little too enthusiastically.

"Oh, that'd be great!" Cassie said. "Thank you! And Penny, why don't you invite...what was his name, Alex?"

"Andrew!" Missy squealed, poking Penny in the ribs. "She's right, Penny, you should. He's never going to ask you out, you know!"

"Well, there's a reason why he won't, isn't there?" Penny grumbled. "He doesn't like me like that."

"Does too!" Missy said. To Randy and Cassie she added, "Just the other day, he spent his whole lunch period helping us study for our French test. And Penny got a ninety-five on it!"

"

Felicitations

, and why didn't you tell me that?" Randy said.

"I thought I did," Penny said with a shrug, both of them knowing well that she hadn't told him a lot lately.

"In any case, I agree, you ought to invite him," Randy said. "Shy guys are the best, I ought to know."

Cassie laughed. "Penny, he's right. I wish you could've known Randy in high school. So shy, and so adorable!"

"If only I'd known you felt that way at the time," Randy quipped.

"You did know!" Cassie. "My gals and I all loved you like the sweetest kid brother!"

"Exactly," Randy said. "Penny, do you think of this Andrew kid as a kid brother?"

"No, but I'm not the goddess of the school like you were, Cassie."

"Randy!" Cassie gave Randy a playful punch on the arm. "Just what kind of nonsense did you tell her about me?"

"Just what I believed when I was a shy fourteen year old doing the second bravest thing of my life." Randy couldn't help but smile at the memory of how he and Cassie had become the unlikeliest of friends two decades before.

"Penny," Cassie said more gently than she was feeling at that moment. "Back when your godfather had me on a pedestal, I was just as much of a warts-and-all human being as he was. I guarantee you Andrew is too, and if he thinks otherwise, he's not worth your time!"

"He doesn't, though," Missy said. "He doesn't think he's better than anyone. How could he, with the other boys always dumping on him the way they do? He doesn't even see how smart he is."

"Well, he sounds like a wonderful young man, even if he doesn't see it yet," Cassie said. "I agree, you ought to invite him to join us for Christmas."

"Well, maybe I will," Penny said. "Now, what did you really think of the concert, Randy? Did you stay awake through it or what?"

After dinner and the promised peanut butter cup sundaes, Penny asked if she and Missy could leave for Missy's house for an already-planned slumber party. "All right with me," Randy said. "You sure you don't want a ride?"

"It's only a ten minute walk," Penny said. Then, with the wicked grin that had been charming Randy into submission since she was a toddler, she added, "And I want you two to have your quality time together."

"Watch it, dear!" But Randy smiled as he said it, and gave her an affectionate squeeze as she leaned over to kiss him good night. As soon as the girls were gone, he turned to Cassie and said, "I'm sorry, she was a little fresh there tonight."

"Oh, it's fine," Cassie said. "I was her age once, I remember how angsty Christmas can make you when your life in general seems so miserable. And I had my parents! Even if they were always fighting."

"She's got me, hasn't she?" Randy said.

"She does, and she loves you to death, Randy. But when was the last time you turned on the TV and didn't see some sicky sweet ad with a mother spoiling her children rotten with love?"

"Yeah, I know," Randy said. "Speaking of which, has she been leaning too hard on you for that or anything?"

"Not at all!" Cassie said. "The opposite, if anything. Almost like I did with my mother at her age. If only I could've chosen some other woman to be my designated helper!" She chuckled. Randy didn't. "Randy, are you all right?" she asked, touching his hand and feeling a wonderful jolt the way she always did lately when they touched.

"Sorry! Yes, yeah, I'm fine. I just...I got some news today, and I'm not sure how to tell Penny or even if I want to tell her."

"Good news or bad?"

"Good, at least I think so." Randy drank the last of his icewater, and continued. "It's a good thing Penny's doing better in French. I've been offered a job in Paris."

"Randy, that's wonderful! God, when I was her age, what I wouldn't have given..."

"Yeah, well, Penny isn't from Kingston, is she?"

"Oh, geez, Randy! So what?" Cassie did see his point - she and Randy, having grown up in the biggest city in their mostly-rural state, both knew how lucky they were to have escaped the slums and high unemployment of Kingston for the literally and figuratively greener pastures of the downstate suburbs. But a nicer hometown wasn't everything. "Just because she lives somewhere better than where we grew up does not mean she won't be delighted to go to France."

"To stay, though?" Randy said. "She's got her friends here, and the band, and maybe even this Andrew kid."

"She'll make new friends, Randy, you know that. Besides, no matter how wonderful her life looks to you, she's still a seventh grader. Everyone is miserable at that age!"

"Were you, Cassie? I find that hard to believe!"

"Randy, stop!" Cassie was deadly serious all of a sudden. "You're putting me on a pedestal again, and you ought to know by now how much I hate that. I was an awkward preteen who didn't know what to make of my body and didn't like the way the boys looked at me and wished I could be someone else, just like everyone at that age."

"You're right." Randy set his elbows on the table and looked down. "I'm sorry. I just don't think I'll ever really get over that image I had of you before we became friends. I did have fifteen years without ever seeing you to let that memory fester, you know."

"You know what I remembered during all that time, when I thought of you?" Cassie said. "The kid who used to study atlases for hours and imagine visiting all those places! And I hoped you'd gotten the chance to do that. Now here it is, and you can give Penny that gift as well!"

"Maybe you're right," Randy said. "I just...she's done so well right here."

"You both have, Randy," Cassie said. "Don't sell yourself short. You got pushed into being a dad in the worst imaginable way, and you've done a great job. Even Penny thinks so."

"She told you that, did she?"

"Not in so many words," Cassie said. "But yeah."

* * *

Missy had met Cassie a few times before, and Penny knew just what to expect on the walk to her house. Sure enough, they weren't even all the way across the street from the restaurant before it came. "What is the story with those two?"

"I told you before," Penny said. "Friends from high school. She moved here after she got divorced. About five years ago."

"Your best grown-up friend, right?" Missy snickered.

"I haven't called her that since I don't know when," Penny protested. "But yeah, I used to call her that. I guess that's when Randy decided to ask her to be my...you know, mentor."

"I wonder how he did that," Missy said. "How does a man ask a woman, hey, I want you to be the one I send my little girl to when she gets her period." She laughed. "But aren't you glad he did? I can't imagine not having my mom to...Oh! Penny, I'm sorry."

"It's fine," Penny said, though she didn't sound like it. "I'm used to it. You know, we're visiting my grandparents tomorrow, my mom's parents."

"Why didn't they get custody of you?"

"Grandma didn't want a little kid in her house back when Grandpa was still drinking," Penny said. "Tell you the truth, I'm really glad I ended up with Randy anyway. He may be a clueless old guy, but he cares, you know?"

"Doesn't he care about Cassie?" Missy asked. "I mean, every time I see those two, anyone can see she's crazy about him."

"Oh, he has some story about her being too good for him," Penny said. "When they met, she was a senior and the queen bee of the school, the smart one all the teachers adored, and he was a shy freshman, afraid of his own shadow or something."

"Is that what he meant about the second bravest thing he ever did?"

"Right," Penny said. "Going up to her and treating her like just another friend, and that's how they became friends. But there's no way she'd have dated him then, and I think he's still stuck in that place with her even though they've grown up."

"Wow, that's tragic," Missy said. "Can't he see it's not like it was when they were kids?"

"Well, imagine some tenth grade hunk you had a crush on," Penny said. "Would you ever expect him to give you a second look? I mean, he's always telling me I ought to believe in myself and never believe anyone is better than me just because they're older or more popular or whatever. I think that's because he's so stuck on that himself, even now. Trust me, Missy, I've been hoping for years they'd end up together. Not gonna happen."

"I'm really sorry to hear that," Missy said. "But what was the first bravest thing he ever did?"

"Take care of me, that's what," Penny said.

* * *

As he said good night to his old friend, Randy finally dared say it out loud. "How's the song go? 'If you really hold me tight...'"

"'All the way home I'll be warm,'" Cassie finished, and she helped herself to a long, lingering hug. After all these years, her arms around him could turn him inside out like the lovesick fourteen year old he'd been back when he'd first spotted her at school. Randy wasn't sure whether to be pleased or frustrated about that, but he eagerly returned her embrace.

"So, we'll see you on Christmas, around lunchtime?" Randy forced himself to let go first, not wanting to push his luck.

"I'll bring some wine," Cassie said. "See you then!"

All the way home, Randy was indeed warm. Perhaps, he mused as he drove through the snowy backstreets, it would be just as well if they went their separate ways. For all his best efforts to be happy with being just friends with Cassie, the flames of his youthful crush had never gone out entirely. They would never be any more than old friends, anyone could see that. Divorced mother or not, Cassie was still Cassie, the sweetheart of the senior prom, envied and adored by one and all back in the day. Randy was still the nerd done good, who hadn't even gone to his prom, who'd managed to get into a top college and live pretty comfortably even with Penny in tow - and who'd managed to see to it that Penny had a shot at being the Cassie of her own school - but he was still Randy, and never the twain shall meet. Two decades before, he'd braved ignoring the pecking order of high school long enough to make fast friends with Cassie, and he'd reaped the rewards and then some. No sense in hoping for anything more than that.

Leonard Cohen once sang, "Don't go home with your hard-on." Old Lenny never knew Cassie, Randy mused as he ignored that order and drove home with his.

He was still hard when he parked in the driveway of the duplex where he and Penny had been living since she was in diapers. The downstairs kitchen light was on, to Randy's surprise. Mrs. Kelley, who'd owned the house since before Randy was born, usually turned in early in the winter.

Not tonight. Before Randy could get to the back stairs, the octogenarian who could still get around like a woman half her age was at her kitchen door. "Randy!"

Randy forced a smile. "Hi, Mrs. Kelley. I didn't forget the rent, did I?"

"Can't remember the last time you did, and thank you. I just wanted to let you know I'm going to the Caribbean with my daughter and son in law for the holidays. Are you going to be here to watch the house?"

"Yes ma'am. I'm taking Penny to see her grandparents tomorrow, but we'll be staying here and having a few friends over for the big day. Sorry you won't be there, actually."

"Well, thank you, Randy. Dare I ask, how are her grandparents doing? This must be a horribly bittersweet time of year for them."

"It is, but they love her to bits, you know, and they always spoil her rotten. I'm a lucky guy, huh?"

"Don't sell yourself short, Randy. You're not lucky, you're that girl's guardian angel. You've done a wonderful job with a situation no one would have wanted."

"Thank you." That reminded Randy he hadn't told his landlady the news. "Listen, I probably ought to let you know, I've been offered a job in Paris."

"Good for you!" Mrs. Kelley looked nothing but delighted. "Think of what that'll mean for Penny!"

"Well, I'm not sure yet if I'm going to take it," Randy said. "That's why I didn't tell you already, because I'm not sure..."

"Why on earth not, Randy? You've paid more dues than any man your age ought to have to, and Penny would love it whether she knows it yet or not!"

"You think?"

"I know."

"Well, I'll let you know as soon as I do make a decision, okay?"

"By all means. But don't be a fool and turn this down! Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas, Mrs. Kelley."

Though he'd welcomed the reprieve from pining for Cassie, Randy found he didn't want to think about the job offer right now either as he continued up the steps to his and Penny's apartment. Naturally, that brought the memory of how Cassie had felt in his arms rushing back. As he kicked off his boots in the kitchen and went to the front room to turn on the heat, he knew just what he'd have to do if he wanted to get any sleep. No reason not to, he mused, with Penny away for the night.

As he pulled his socks off and tossed them in the bathroom hamper, Randy even gave some thought to digging out his freshman yearbook. It undoubtedly still had the bookmark on the page with Cassie in her plaid skirt and red sweater stocking books at the school library. Randy was surprised that page hadn't become stuck to the next one at some point given how much use he'd made of it. But there was no need to dig the book out, he decided as he finished undressing and strolled naked and hard to his bedroom at the end of the hall. He'd memorized every last detail of that photograph ages ago.

As he began stroking himself gently and imagining Cassie letting him caress her breasts, Randy gave no thought to what she might be up to in her own walk-up across town at that moment. Even had he done so, he never would have guessed at the truth.

Arriving home just as Randy was chatting with Mrs. Kelley, Cassie turned on the lights on the little aluminum Christmas tree she'd put up for Jimmy even though he wouldn't be there for Christmas. She missed him awfully, but one way or another she was determined to have a merry Christmas. Already she was feeling impatient for spending the big day with Randy and Penny.

Especially if this was to be their last Christmas in town.