Returning Home

We left off with Chrissy and I sitting on the porch swing.

"Why do you dislike me so much? I've tried and tried to get you to notice me but you're always walking away. You seem to like the kids and I know they care for you but what about me? You avoid me as if I have the plague. I thought we hit it off pretty good, especially at the zoo, and then you seemed to back away. Why do you hate me so?" Chris asked.

I could tell she was very serious now and quite upset. I decided to tell her the truth. "Chrissy, I don't hate you. Quite the opposite, I really care for you but every time it looks like something is clicking between us I have doubts."

"Like what?" she asked.

"Let's start with your date tonight with Allen Drake. He's an asshole and you go out with him. You say you have to be interested in a guy and then you go out with someone like Allen. Why would you do it? Christ, he's a skirt chaser and has been divorced twice. Why would you go out with an asshole like that?

Chrissy stared at me. "I did it to make you jealous."

"What? Why would you do that?" I asked.

"I wanted you to notice me. Nothing seemed to work and Sue told me you hated Allen Drake. He came on to me in the salon and asked me out. I really didn't want to go but I was hoping it would make you jealous. Did it work?" asked Chris.

"He could have hurt you or worse. I can't believe you went out with a jerk like him."

"We had dinner and when he started to get fresh, I asked him to take me home. I have a can of mace in my purse if he went any further. Luckily, you just happened to be coming out the door. Of course, now I've lost a customer."

"Chrissy, I need to know your story. Something doesn't seem right no matter what everyone says. I've cared for you from the beginning but I can't commit myself to a relationship with you until I know the truth. You're making me nuts."

"You said you care for me. Do you mean it? If I'm putting my whole life on the line here I want to know it's for the right man."

"I liked you when we first met at the gas station. When you came to my party, I was so surprised. Then after meeting Kyle, I couldn't picture you with him. It gave me doubts about what kind of person you might be. You only knew him for a month and moved in with him taking your kids to that asshole's house. It put big doubts in my head of what kind of woman you were.

"I didn't know you knew my mom and dad that well and thought you might be taking advantage of their good heartedness. I was wrong because mom told me it was all her idea and that you help contribute to the household.

"I saw you with your boss and thought he was your date. I was wrong again and apologized for it. I had a wonderful time with you and the kids at the zoo. I may have gone about it wrong but I thought you might tell me your story. You just wouldn't let me in so I figured I would just stay back and give you your space.

"Again I made a mistake because now you went out with Allen. I'm just so mixed up over you. I'm not thinking straight. It's so hard seeing you and not knowing if I should be with you."

"Jess, I want you to know the truth. I'm going to tell you the absolute truth. If we go our own way after this talk, please promise me that it will be our secret. Even Sue doesn't know some of the things I'm about to tell you," replied Chrissy.

"I promise to always keep it a secret," I responded.

"To begin with, a lot of people know parts of my life and are correct in their thinking. No one knows the whole story. My dad left mom and me for another woman when I was in high school. He moved out to Arizona. We lived in Zanesville until then. We couldn't afford our house so mom sold it to buy a trailer and we moved it here on a rented lot.

"I have an older brother who chose to go with dad. He and I don't see eye-to-eye. It's like he abandoned mom and me also. The last time I saw him was mom's funeral. As soon as it was over, he left. Dad didn't do as much as send a card.

"You already know Sue's my best friend so I'll skip that part. I met Robert my senior year. I didn't date much in high school. I spent time with my friends or at home with mom. Rob was my first boyfriend, like a lot of teenagers I wanted to experience love. One night we were at Rob's house and we got into some pretty heavy petting. It led to the love part except it wasn't love.

"Maybe we didn't know much, but the first time it hurt like hell. He came before I knew what happened. I smiled at him but it was a real disappointment. We did it a few more times after that and it was a little better, but I got pregnant.

"I know, I should have used birth control. I was a dumb and stupid girl who just wanted to enjoy love. I told my mom one night that I wanted to go on the pill. She agreed and I was on the pill the following week. Unfortunately, the damage was done; I was already pregnant by then and was three months along by graduation.

"When I told Robert, he was aggravated. He asked me if I was going to get an abortion. I had thought about it; I guess it would be an easy solution but I couldn't do it. I told Rob that I was going to have the baby.

"He said he would do the right thing and marry me. A judge married us a couple of weeks later. We didn't have anything, but Rob found a job at the supermarket. His parents were mad at Rob for getting married but they did let us live with them. They had a finished basement and we had a bedroom down there.

"I started working part-time at the salon to help bring in some money. Rob and I argued all the time. He said he wanted a career in the military and I ruined it for him. I told him if that's what he wanted to go join up. It's what he did shortly after Molly was born.

"I couldn't live with his parents knowing they despised me. That's when I found a little crummy apartment by the salon. My mom would come over and watch Molly while I worked. After basic training, Rob came home for a few weeks. Things seemed a little better. I guess we were sort of a family.

"We stayed married so I was able to receive support for Molly and me. That money along with what I made at the salon was enough to make ends meet. For entertainment, I would go out with Sue or we would go to your mom's place and play cards and games. I found myself coming over here more and more. I guess it was my home away from home.

"My mom took up drinking as a past time. It wasn't quite as pleasant to go there anymore. Looking back, I think the booze helped numb her pain. God I wish I would have known. I would have spent more time with her. I regretted not doing more with her but I had my hands full for a girl my age.

"Robert came home on leave after a couple of years or so. I have to admit things were much better this time. It made me think that maybe, just maybe we might be able to work things out between us.

"Three months later I found out I was pregnant with Robbie. When I wrote Robert about it, he really seemed happy. I told him it would be a boy and I would name his son after him. Robbie's given name is Robert but he's not a Junior. I gave him a different middle name. He's Robert James Lane. No special reason for the James; it's just that I liked that name.

"Your mom and sister were there with me through the whole birthing process. I guess that's part of why I call them my family. I corresponded with Rob after Robbie's birth. We said we would give our marriage a chance when he came home in another year. He never did return. I really felt bad about his death. Right when things seemed to get better between us, he died.

"I can't say I missed him, but I did regret losing what might have been. I know many people think I was stupid for keeping Molly in the first place, but I love my kids and I couldn't picture my life without them. Your mom and Sue helped me get past that hurdle. They helped me by watching the kids when my mom started coming down sick.

"There's something else that I haven't told you. The safe you brought back from Kyle's contained all my important papers like the kids' birth certificates and such. It also contained my mutual fund papers. I received over a hundred thousand dollars upon Rob's death. Your mom and dad suggested I put it into mutual funds through an agency they dealt with.

"Only your parents and Sue know about it. I decided to put it away for the kids' future. The documents were in the safe.

"My mother finally went to the doctor and discovered she had cancer. They admitted her and ran some tests but when they operated, it was too late. She lasted less than a month.

"I was devastated by my mom's death. For the first time in my life, I felt alone in the world, so alone. My brother showed up for the funeral and all he said to me was that after I had an auction to send him his share of the proceeds.

"I even drew back from Sue and your mom. I felt it was just the kids and I against the world. I called an auction firm and they sent Kyle to help set it up. At the time, he seemed so nice. He told me I should go see a doctor and get some medication for my mental condition. I knew he was right and went to see a doctor.

"He prescribed some medications for my depressed situation. It was all I could do to stay awake and take care of the kids. I spent so much time in bed. I called my employer and took a leave of absence before I eventually quit. Kyle went ahead and got everything ready for the auction. I think I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, in fact, I know I was. Kyle started staying at my apartment and helped me care of the kids.

"I ended up in the hospital but I don't even know how long. My memory about what happened is nothing but fuzzy thoughts. My whole life was so fuzzy for a while. Everything seems like a dream. I have such a hard time remembering anything during that time.

"Kyle seemed so wonderful then, but it was just that I couldn't function. I found out later that your mom and Sue had tried to contact me many times but they say Kyle never told me. In my state of mind, I felt everyone abandoned me but Kyle.

"He had me sign a power of attorney so he could continue on with the selling of my mother's assets. I was totally out of it and had no idea what I was doing. I just kept taking more pills. One night I woke up and we were having sex. I didn't say anything. It was a small price to pay to have my kids taken care of and someone around.

"I have to tell you that at my lowest point I wanted to die. If it weren't for my kids, I wouldn't be here today. I had to stay alive for them. I fought to function as best I could. Kyle was paying my bills out of my social security checks. He probably stole as much as he helped me but I didn't know it until much later.

"I was in that depression for almost two months. Kyle told me my lease was up on my apartment and told me not to renew it. He said he was going to take care of us. I faintly remember him telling me that he had a house in the city with more than enough room for all of us.

"Two days after the auction I received the money. Kyle said he sent my brother twenty thousand dollars and that he put another ten thousand in a checking account for me. He said it was a joint account so he could help pay any bills that I had come due. He also said he opened a savings account for me in my name only. He deposited twenty thousand dollars for me. He didn't tell me that he had inserted an addendum that he could withdraw money from it. Of course, I signed all the papers willingly.

"Sue stopped by and I told her I was going with Kyle. She tried to talk me out of it, and told me I was all drugged up, and didn't know what I was doing. I told her to leave; Kyle was the only one who had been there for me. We argued but I wasn't listening to her and eventually she left crying. God, I was so stupid.

"We did move in with Kyle. The kids were happy at first. They had a house and Kyle was nice to them. I had quit my job. Kyle said he made more than enough money and with my pension checks, we would live fine. Believe me, Jess; I was so out of it all the time. If it wasn't for Sue, I don't know what I would have done. She never gave up on me.

"She came to Kyle's house when he wasn't there and took me to the doctor. The doctor told me I was taking way too many pills. I didn't know it but Kyle was distributing them to me in overdoses to keep me out. I was never myself. In the condition I was in, I couldn't just leave. I told Sue that I would wean myself off the pills in the next couple of days. I had to know what was going on. She and Dan came and saw me a couple of times.

"To the best of my knowledge, Kyle never harmed the kids. After I was returning to somewhat normal, I talked with Molly and she just said that Kyle was mean. He always yelled and told them to go into the other room. In the weeks that followed, I was more back to myself. Kyle tried acting nice to me and better to the kids.

"I even had to wonder if I had been hallucinating before. Maybe Kyle wasn't all that bad. The place was somewhat clean for a man who had lived alone. He was promising me the world if I would just give him a chance. I didn't know the truth until later. He even asked me to marry him.

We went shopping and he started buying all sorts of furniture; he said it was all for me. It was beds for the kids and a new bedroom suite and living room set. I had nothing left of my old furniture. Kyle had sold most of it in my mother's auction when I told him I would live with him.

"Kyle said he was doing it all for me. He told me he loved me and would buy me anything I wanted. I honestly didn't believe him but I had to know what was going on.

"I kept in touch with Sue at the time but never mentioned it to Kyle. I explained to her that Kyle was being very nice to us. It was very odd and I really didn't trust him after I figured out it was he who was keeping me overdosed. I told Sue that I didn't feel in harm's way but for some reason Kyle was acting strange.

"Sue told me that at the first sign of trouble for me to get the kids and leave. She didn't trust Kyle at all. I honestly didn't know what to believe. It was as if he was two people. He was nice to me and wanted me to stay but there was a dark side that I could feel.

"It wasn't long before I found out exactly what that dark side was. One day when he came home, he looked drugged out. I asked him about the drugs and he slapped me. We had a hell of an argument. He called me all sorts of names and told me to get the hell out if I didn't like it.

"I told the kids to get in the car that we were going to the park. I called Sue and told her Kyle had slapped me; I was leaving him but had nowhere to go. All I knew was that I had to get out now at any cost. I wasn't about to put up with a drugged man who beats women. That's when she invited us to her place. You know the rest of the story after that.

"I went back to the house a few hours later and Kyle was passed out. I grabbed two suitcases and put whatever I could in them and left. There was no way I would ever stay with a man on drugs. I made a big mistake going to live with him in the first place. I realize I put my kids in harms way and I will never forgive myself for that. That's why I couldn't tell you the day we went to the zoo. I didn't want to ruin such a wonderful day. I figured you would say I was a rotten mother and that you wouldn't want anything to do with

"Looking back I do have to say, in an indirect way, maybe Kyle saved my life. I know he stole from me and kept me drugged up but at the same time, it might have stopped me from taking my own life and he did take care of my kids. I would hope that I would have been stronger than that but I honestly don't know.

"Now you know why I never told anyone but Sue about Kyle. I was a horrible mother and don't deserve my kids but for some reason God saw fit to help me back on my feet. Now you know the truth about me," she said through crying eyes.

I know I had tears in my eyes also. She had gone through hell and survived. I wrapped my arms around her as she cried. It was then that I realized I really loved her, baggage and all. All of the hardships she'd struggled through just made her the special woman she was today. She'd made some bad choices but she was human like the rest of us. I massaged her back and shoulders and just held her close. We didn't speak but words weren't necessary yet.

Her body felt so good next to mine but I knew it was too soon to make love. I didn't want her to regret it or feel like I'd taken advantage of her. Instead, I kissed her hair and let her absorb my strength and heat. Several minutes passed before she stepped back and gave me a weak smile.

The need to taste her filled my head until I pulled her back into my arms and kissed her. She moaned as I slid my tongue over her lips and hugged me tight. We spent long minutes that way before I stepped back.

"We will make love, Chrissy, but not today. I want you to know that I'm serious about a future before we take that step."

"Thank you, Jess."

"Come on, let's go see what my parents are watching on television," I said as I grinned and pulled her with me to the living room. They never said a word but I think they sensed that things had changed between Chrissy and me.

The next day we had one of our family cookouts as we did almost every Sunday. Our friends Ryan and Sharon came to this one. I surprised almost everyone. I acted more as if Chrissy was my date. I wanted her as my partner in playing yard games. I hung around her most of the day. I got smiles from just about everyone in the family but no one said anything. I guess they didn't want to jinx us.

The kids wanted in the pool and I asked Chrissy if she was going to put on her swimsuit. "Ok," she said and smiled at me. Then she whispered to me. "That blue one is for your eyes only. I know you've been watching me." She smiled as she walked away.

I was the grill cook and when I had all the burgers and hot dogs done, we all sat and ate. I was sitting between Chrissy and Molly this time. Robbie was in his high chair. About half way through the meal, I blurted out a question to Chrissy.

"Chrissy, would you like to go out on a date with me next Saturday?" Everyone literally stopped eating and stared at Chris.

I know that no one would have expected that from me, including Chrissy. Molly broke the silence and asked if she and Robbie could go.

"Not this time, Molly. It's just mommy and me and Ryan and Sharon if they would like to go," I replied to Molly.

Ryan spoke, "We're game. Where did you have in mind?"

"It all depends on Chrissy. She hasn't answered me yet. She mentioned to Bill a couple of weeks ago that she would only date a man if she was interested in him," I replied.

I knew I put her on the spot but I was through skirting around the issues. I also realized I put myself out there. I was hoping for the right answer. I know it was only seconds but it felt like minutes.

"I'd love to go out with you Jess, but you have to promise to bring me home at a decent hour," she said with a smile. "Also, I have to find a babysitter."

Mom and Sue both quickly agreed to watch the kids. They made me laugh by answering so quickly. In the meantime, dad asked what Chrissy thought was a decent hour.

"I'll tell you what, dad," said Chris looking at my father. "I'll leave that up to you and make sure Jess has me home on time."

My dad looked over at me. "Jess, I never thought I'd say this to my own son but I don't care if you two ever come home." Everyone started laughing.

We told Ryan and Sharon that we'd think about where to go on our first date and let them know in a couple of days. Things were finally getting good in my life.

That night after Chrissy put the kids to bed I was talking to her by the stairway.

"Chrissy, I'm pretty sure you know how I feel about you. I'm sorry for putting you on the spot and want to apolo—" I had to stop because Chris put her hands on the side of my head and kissed me. I mean a real lip lock.