Reliable Reg

Copyright oggbashan October 2021 Edited January 2022

The author asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

This is a work of fiction. The events described here are imaginary; the settings and characters are fictitious and are not intended to represent specific places or living persons.

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Most of my friends think I'm a boring nerd, and my girlfriend Clarissa is seen as nearly as bad. We are both junior finance officers working for the local council and studying hard to get qualifications which will mean increased pay and the possibility of promotion. Those studies mean we have little free time for socialising.

But I do have one major asset which makes me popular, sometimes. Unlike most of my male friends who drive small hatchbacks too fast, often when drunk or on drugs, I have an older Ford Transit minibus which has twelve seats. It is slow but as reliable as I am because I maintain it meticulously. Sometimes I also help my friends with servicing and maintenance of their cars even if I disapprove of their driving and say so.

It seems that every month one of my male friends has crashed their car or has been stopped by the police and banned from driving because of drink driving.

I never drink if I am driving. I do drink, but only at venues where I can walk to and from or can take a taxi.

One late December Friday evening, I was studying at home, intending to go for a pint of beer later at a local public house about two hundred yards away. Clarissa was out with a Hen Party before Sarah's Wedding on Christmas Eve. About nine o'clock I had just stopped for a while and was sipping a coffee when my landline rang.

"Reg?" It was Clarissa. "Are you sober?"

"Yes, Clarissa. Why?"

"We're at the Royal George. Alan and Tony were supposed to collect us half an hour ago to go to Sarah's house for a late meal. But Alan's dad has just rung Sarah to say that Alan was at the Police station being tested for drink and drugged driving, and so is Tony."

"Stupid..." I stopped myself from adding an epithet. I rarely swear but Alan and Tony can test my resolve frequently. Both had only recently got their licences back after being banned. I would never be a passenger in any vehicle they were driving. It's too dangerous.

"They are. But we're stranded. We tried the local taxi firm but because it is so close to Christmas they are all booked and couldn't come for at least two hours. Could you?"

"How many of you, Clarissa?"

"Only eight,"

"OK. I'll be with you in ten minutes. Where to?"

"Sarah's house. Her mum has made a cold buffet, and..."

"And?"

"About half an hour later, can you take us to the night club, and collect us later?"

I sighed. If they were going to the night club, that doesn't close until 3 am and at the chuck out time the streets are full of drunks.

"I suppose so. If I do, you and Sarah will owe me."

"I can repay you tomorrow evening, but Sarah? Tomorrow's her wedding day. You'll have to wait for her."

"Whatever. See you soon."

When I arrived at the Royal George I rang Clarissa's mobile. I could hear noisy laughter as she answered.

"I'm outside." I said.

"Thank You, Reg. I'll try to get them moving."

When the women arrived, all except the bride dressed on white onesies and the bride in a full wedding dress with veil, they were obviously drunk. I had to shout at them to get them to put their seatbelts on. I refused to start the minibus until I was sure all the seat belts were on correctly. I had to shout at them and said that for every person not wearing a belt I could be fined fifty pounds which I couldn't afford. There were moans that Reg was being boring and too safety conscious until Clarissa shouted too.

"He won't start moving until your belts are on. You should be grateful, not complaining."

I switched on the dash cam and drove out of the car park. At the crossroads about one hundred yards away the light was green but I knew it would change soon so I drove slowly and stopped gently as the light changed to amber.

A small hatchback rushed through against the red and smashed into the side of a van waiting to turn right. I put my handbrake on, switched the engine off and got out to see if anyone was injured. No one had been but the driver of the hatchback was obviously drunk and the van driver was shaken. Within seconds the police had arrived. I went back to the minibus and waited until the road could be cleared.

The hatchback driver was breathalysed and put in the back of the police car. A policemen came over to me.

"Can you get out, please sir?" he asked.

I did.

"The hatchback driver says he swerved to avoid you, coming against the lights. Is that true?"

"No," I said, "I was stationary on the amber. My dash cam will confirm that."

"You have a dash cam? Can I see what it recorded?"

He watched the dash cam.

"Stupid idiot!" he said. "But, because of his accusation, I will need you to take a breath test. Any problem with that?"

"No. If that's what you need to do."

"When did you last have an alcoholic drink, sir?"

"I have to think. Oh yes, a glass of wine with a meal last Saturday."

"Nearly a week ago. OK. Please blow into the tube until I tell you to stop."

As I expected the machine read zero. He also did a drug wipe which takes eight minutes to register. Again nothing. While he was waiting I showed him my driving licence and copies of my insurance documents. He checked with his radio.

"OK, sir. Everything is in order and you behaved correctly. I just wish most people would be so careful. Thank you. I'll direct you around the crashed vehicles and you can continue on your way with your noisy passengers."

"If you hadn't stopped at that amber, Reg, it would have been us he hit." Clarissa said.

"That's why I stopped. It is a Friday night and there are too many drunk drivers around. I didn't want to risk my passengers."

"Thank you."

The eight women were singing slightly expurgated rugby songs and there had been some comments about the attractiveness of the policeman. I drove off slowly. I had to stop from time to time to avoid obviously drunk drivers behaving like idiots. Within twenty-five minutes I was at Sarah's house.

I was invited in for the nibbles. I was embarrassed as several drunk women kissed and cuddled me until Clarissa demonstrated her ownership by pushing me into an armchair and sitting on me.

Forty minutes later we all climbed back into my minibus and I drove them carefully to the night club. Clarissa would ring me when they wanted to leave. I went back home, made myself some coffee and resumed my studies.

By one o'clock I had finished all my homework and had prepared for next week's evening classes. I sat watching the TV repeat of a movie that I had seen years ago and hadn't liked even then.

Just before two o'clock Clarissa rang.

"Reg? Can you get here quickly? We think Amy's drink was spiked. She's babbling and slipping in and out of consciousness."

"Clarissa? You need to ring for an ambulance. Even if I drive faster than I would want to tonight, it would take me at least twenty minutes. Amy needs help now."

"OK. Will do. But please get here soon."

I was wrong. Because of the traffic and passing the scenes of several accidents on the way, it was thirty-five minutes before I reached the night club. My phone beeped for an incoming text message. I ignored it until I had stopped as close as I could get to the night club. Sarah had said that Amy was going to hospital accompanied by Clarissa.

I walked abut fifty yards to find the others. The ambulance had been and gone and Amy was now at the local hospital accompanied by Clarissa, the least drunk of all the women. I drove the others back to Sarah's house, dropped them off, and drove back to the hospital. I parked about an hour and a half after Amy had arrived. I had to wait to talk to the receptionist because the Emergency Room was so busy. Even with directions it took me ten minutes to find Clarissa and Amy.

Amy was sitting up on a trolley, clutching an unused pressed cardboard sick bowl. She looked dreadful.

"Reg, Amy's stomach has been pumped out and the doctor thinks she should be OK by the morning," Clarissa said. "Can you take us to Amy's house? The doctor wants to discharge her because they have so many patients tonight."

"OK, but is Amy up to it?"

"Yes," Amy said weakly, "If you drive slowly and carefully, please Reg. I know you usually do, but I don't like the idea of being shaken up."

I did. But the other drivers weren't cooperative. Even though I left large gaps between me and other traffic I had to stop suddenly twice. Each time I did, Amy groaned.

Beside me, Clarissa spent most of her time receiving and sending texts. When she had helped Amy into her house, Clarissa said:

"Can you wait a minute before driving off, please, Reg."

"OK, but why?"

"Sarah is panicking. Alan's Dad rang her. Alan and Tony are going to be in Police cells overnight. Because it isn't the first time they have been found over the alcohol limit, they will have to go to court, and might have to stay in custody until Monday at the earliest. Their cars might be seized because there is doubt that they told their insurance companies about their previous convictions so their insurances might not be valid. But tomorrow? They were taking people from the church to the reception. They can't do that if they are in custody or even if not, if their cars have been seized. Would you?"

I sighed.

"I suppose so. My father was going to drive me to the church and pick me up to go to the reception so I could have a drink. But I could drive and do without the drink, but I would have liked some champagne."

"I'm sure we can save you some champagne, and you could have it with me at my flat."

"That sort of offer I can't refuse, Clarissa."

"I thought not. I owe you for tonight, so I'll repay you with champagne, a meal and a night of sex."

"A night of sex? With you? I'll do almost anything for that."

So far I had never had sex with Clarissa. I was leaving it until she wanted to. Now it seemed she did.

"I thought you would, but..."

"But?"

"Sarah needs you for something else."

"What?"

"Tony was to be Andrew's Best Man tomorrow, or rather later today. He can't be if he's still in custody. Would you?"

I sighed again.

"OK, I suppose. I could recycle my speech I used for Fiona's Wedding to George. It won't be as good as one written for Sarah and Andrew but I need some sleep before the wedding."

"Thank you, Reg. I, and we, all rely on you to be there when we need you, and Sarah and Andrew need you tomorrow."

Clarissa kissed me. I drove back to my flat and tried to get some sleep. At least the wedding didn't start until three o'clock.

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By two o'clock I was shaved, showered and wearing my best suit. I arrived at the church at twenty to three. Andrew was already there, pacing up and down nervously. He handed me the wedding ring.

"Thank you, Reg. Sarah and I owe your for standing in at the last minute. Alan and Tony are scheduled to be in the magistrate's court on Monday morning and will stay in custody until then."

Andrew was obviously nervous. I talked to him, mainly about what a wonderful woman Sarah is and that he should be happy about marrying her. At five to three we took our places in the church. Sarah wasn't late. She was at the church door with her father with one minute to go. Amy was one of the bridesmaids, still looking slightly unwell.

The wedding went smoothly. There was some confusion afterwards because some of the guests were looking for Alan and Tony but I got everyone into the minibus and drove to the reception. My speech seemed to be acceptable. I hadn't included the usual groan-making jokes. It might have been boringly conventional, but that's what I am. Our friends don't seem to mind because they know they can rely on me if they need help.

Sarah kissed me perhaps more passionately that a new bride ought to do, but Andrew didn't seem to mind. I was embarrassed when all the six bridesmaids tried to be even more passionate than Sarah. Amy, despite still looking unhappy was the most demonstrative of all. I had to find Clarissa to protect me from grateful women.

About two hours into the reception I saw Sarah's father taking a long phone call. When it had finished he came across to me.

"Reg? We have another problem, a big one. Andrew and Sarah were to go away in a hire car with chauffeur to take then to stay overnight in a hotel in Dover. The hire car company just rung. Four of their cars were in accidents caused by drunk drivers last night and they haven't got a car today."

"Let me guess, You want me to drive then to Dover?"

"Could you?"

"Yes. But I'll have to fill up first. I hadn't intended to drive last night and now I have less than a quarter of a tank. I'll do it now."

"I can pay you for the fuel."

"No need. You have paid out enough for today. I can do that for my friends."

"Thank you, Reg. I know you are missing the champagne. Janice, Clarissa's cousin has a key to Clarissa's flat. When Janice's dad collects her, they'll take a case of champagne and put it in Clarissa's flat."

"A case?"

"Yes, The guests haven't been drinking as much as I expected. Maybe it is the effect of Alan and Tony's arrests. I don't know. But a case it will be."

"Thank you."

I told Clarissa and went off to fill my tank. When I returned it was nearly time for Sarah and Andrew to leave. Clarissa sat beside me in the front while Sarah and Andrew behaved like newlyweds in the back. Andrew had been on non-alcoholic wine because tomorrow they would be collecting a self-drive car in Calais before driving to a Gite in Normandy.

When I deposited them at the terminal in Dover, Sarah demonstrated her thanks again with passionate kisses. Andrew shook my hand.

"Thank you, Reg. Today would have been a disaster without you. I'll try to be as reliable as you for Sarah. Years ago, she was engaged to Tony but his drinking and bad driving ended it. If Clarissa hadn't already claimed you, and Sarah hadn't found me -- you might have been her second choice. Thank you."

It took a quarter of an hour before I could start to leave Dover because Clarissa was all over me. On the way back home, she was snuggled up beside me.

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The case of champagne was just inside the door with a note.

"I have put one bottle in the fridge."

Clarissa made spaghetti Bolognaise for both of us because it was quick and easy. I was tired from a short night last night and the drive to and from Dover. Clarissa opened a bottle of Chianti but I drunk most of it. Afterwards she had defrosted some Pavlova and we washed that down with Champagne. Clarissa kept topping up my glass. I doubt she had a quarter of the bottle.

In bed, I was a disaster. I couldn't get an erection.

"Reliable Reg?" Clarissa exclaimed. "You are very unreliable tonight."

"What do you expect," I retorted. I didn't sleep much of last night, I have had a very stressful day including a long drive, and I have drunk most of the Chianti and Champagne. I'm not surprised that I can't perform."

"I suppose you're right. But I was looking forward to tonight, Reg."

She snuggled up behind my back and we went to sleep.

But in the morning? I had recovered and was able to ride Clarissa to screaming ecstasy. Sunday night we tried again and I was able to reclaim my title as Reliable Reg again.

I might be boring and conventional but Clarissa and all our friends seem to appreciate me for being just that.

Now back to bed to show Clarissa again just how reliable I can be...