Operation Final Fantasy Ch 05

Once again, edited by Wolf Vixen with much thanks

XI

"Thank you, Jessica..."

Ryan slammed the door and locked it as quickly as he could, leaving Jessica outside; he hoped that, with any luck, she would simply disappear from his mind now that she was out of his sight. This was going to be difficult enough; the last thing he needed was having her haunt his already tormented mind.

He pulled out his gun and walked towards the bedroom, fully aware of what he needed to do.

It was clear he wouldn't easily be able to put her out of his thoughts once Jessica started to frantically pound on the door. His stomach started to turn. "Go away, Jessica," he quietly whispered, fully aware she couldn't hear him.

"Ryan, don't do this," she shouted hysterically on the other side of the door, pounding as hard as she could. "Don't leave me; you can't leave me like this! Don't you DARE pull the trigger!!"

Gritting his teeth and squeezing his eyes shut, he put the muzzle of the gun against the side of his head, feeling the cold steel against his temple. He tried as hard as he could to ignore Jessica.

"I'm coming, Amanda," he whispered ominously. "I'll see you and Adam soon."

It felt like it had been so long since he had seen Amanda that he actually had to try and force an image of her in his head -- he felt guilty for having to do that.

There was one memory in particular that he loved. He recalled the time when they went camping when Adam was just a baby; he didn't remember the name of the small state park, but it was just off of Highway 101. There was something about the way she looked on that vacation; she wasn't dressed up like a beauty queen in high heels -- who would wear something like that during camping anyway -- but instead, she had on hiking boots. Instead of her normal mane of golden, curly hair, she had a cute little pony tail.

At first, he could see her clearly in his head. He started to relax.

Then his mind started to play tricks on him. Maybe it had been too long since he had seen her, because the picture in his head kept shifting to Jessica, pony tail and all. Ryan shook his head, no longer relaxed, but fully aware of the irony that his 'master plan', courtesy of Jessica, was threatening to backfire.

Amanda was becoming Jessica; not the other way around like he had intended. He seethed with anger at that thought. Not because he had any ill will for Jessica, but because Amanda was slipping away.

He tried harder to focus on Amanda; opening his night stand, he pulled out a few framed pictures of her in an attempt to look at the family photos of happier times while still holding the gun grip so tightly his fingertips were turning white.

Off in the distance, he heard Jessica scream, "Open the door! Ryan, please! Please! I'm begging you!"

Sweat ran down his forehead and his heart raced. All he could think about was getting it over with. He flicked the safety off and pressed it against his head again.

"Oh my God, Ryan! PLEASE!! I

love

you! You bastard! You can't do this to me...!"

Ryan swallowed hard and turned to look in the mirror. As he tried to put her voice out of his head, he instead conjured his own doubts and confusion. Conflicting thoughts began swirling in his head.

Hurry! Amanda and Adam are waiting, pull the trigger!

Jessica will find your body. She'll see your brains splattered all over the room, and you lying in a pool of blood. You'll scar her, you'll ruin her life forever...

Jessica doesn't deserve you. Neither does Amanda. They are both better off without you, so it doesn't matter what you do. You might as well die.

You can't possibly stay alive; no one will replace Amanda, and you'll never see your boy grow up...

Ryan felt extreme despair take over, particularly with that very last thought that seemed to leech on to his very soul. He grunted, gritted his teeth, and started to squeeze the trigger with a light application of steady pressure. He heard a different voice in his head.

Jessica loves you. You heard her say she loves you. It's not your time.

Those words resonated within his head. Slowly Ryan opened his eyes and released the pressure on the trigger.

The first thing he saw in the mirror was his own reflection; a reflection of a hurting, weak, pathetic husk of a man. His hand pulsated, anxious to pull the trigger; his hand was anxious to kill.

With tremendous rage, he growled and, in one quick motion, pointed his gun at his reflection's forehead and pulled the trigger.

The mirror shattered; glass shards flew across the room, spreading out in all directions.

---

Standing up took a great deal of effort. Running around the house, trying to find a way inside was even harder. One of her heels came off in the grass as she awkwardly ran around the corner. She pulled out her cell phone to call the police, but her hands were shaking so bad she couldn't even dial 911. She couldn't even hear the sounds of the buttons on the phone as she pressed randomly without thought -- she barely could remember the number anyway.

Jessica stumbled upon the glass sliding door behind the house. She tugged on it hard, expecting to meet resistance, but because it was unlocked it flew open. Stepping inside the house, she heard a noise coming from the bedroom. Her first thought was that maybe he wasn't dead; maybe he was barely alive, desperately clinging to life while lying in a pool of his own blood. Jessica double over and almost threw up picturing that image in her head.

She braced herself as she stepped around the corner and into the bedroom; her eyebrows were raised upwards and she was in absolute fear. She expected to see blood splattered all over the floor, but instead it was covered with glass shards. There was no doubt in her mind she would find Ryan lying on the ground, but instead she found him standing, facing what was left of the mirror with his gun pointed at it. A few small trickles of blood ran down his face from the glass shrapnel, but other than that he was alive and in one piece.

"Ryan...," she barely squeaked out.

She thought that he saw her out of the corner of his eye, but he didn't so much as flinch. Without moving a muscle, Ryan ejected the magazine with one hand; it fell straight down to the floor. He took his other hand, racked the weapon, and took the bullet out of the chamber in one swift motion. The gun and the bullet fell to the floor while Ryan limply fell to his knees. Jessica ran forward to try and catch him. His dead weight was enough to drag her down to the floor.

Ryan slowly collapsed into her lap. Almost immediately his tears began to flow. All she could do was try to hold him tightly. As she held him for a while, and as sanity gradually started to return to her, Jessica slowly started to realize how close he truly came to taking his own life; that thought terrified her.

It absolutely petrified and overwhelmed her, knowing that she came within moments of permanently losing him. She was still processing the fact that he was still alive when she was certain he had killed himself. But here he was, lying in her lap, alive and well. Her own emotions were hard to control. She kissed his head and rocked him back and forth.

"Why couldn't you let me go? Y-you ruined everything. Why, Jessica?"

Jessica sniffed, wiping away her own tears. She wasn't sure how to respond. She wasn't even sure if she could speak, much less form a reply.

"You should have let me go, Jessi. You should have let me go...," Ryan buried his face in her lap as if he was in physical pain.

It was hard to say how much time had passed as he simply laid in her lap while she held him, rocking him. She held him tighter, finally being able to form a sentence. "Ryan," she choked out. "Do you think Amanda really wanted you to die? Do you think she wanted to kill yourself, no matter what the reason?"

He didn't respond, but he didn't seem to want to move from her lap.

"Why does it have to hurt so badly? Why won't this pain go away?"

She ran her fingers along his forehead, hoping that she could get him to relax, "Shhh. I know, baby. I know."

Neither of them said a word; Jessica wouldn't let him go, and he clearly wasn't ready for her to let go anyway. She gently alternated between massaging his shoulders and running her fingers through his hair.

Jessica broke the silence, "Ryan, you'll get through this. I'll help you, ok?"

It didn't seem like he was convinced, but he reluctantly nodded his head.

With much tenderness she caressed his face and softly turned it to her so he could look into her eyes.

"I promise, tiger."

He held her eye contact. She saw something in his eyes; maybe it was a spark of life, but there was something about the way he looked at her that was powerful. It gave her goose bumps.

She had seen similar looks many times before by other men but they looked at her with lust. He looked at her with longing, as if he needed her, even despite the smeared mascara and wild frizzy hair. She could only hope that by him simply looking into her eyes, he would know that she was telling the truth.

She was scared for him, absolutely terrified about what his future might hold, but she was beginning to have hope. With any luck, he was too.

XII

It wasn't easy, keeping his word to Jessica.

There was no mistaking the fact that he was reluctant to agree to see a councilor, but Jessica wouldn't take no for an answer. Even though he was just as stubborn as she was, especially on this particular issue, what really tipped the scales was the incredible guilt he felt for having put her through so much pain. When Ryan promised he'd go, Jessica was so overjoyed that she leaped into his arms. Ryan smiled, thinking that alone might be worth it.

"I know that you have a long road ahead of you, but we'll still see each other from time to time. Maybe not as often as either of us has been used to, but I'll check up on you," she promised.

There wasn't anything he wanted more than her support and friendship, but he couldn't complicate her life any further. "You really don't need to do that, Jessi," he said with a hint of reluctance.

"Of course I don't need to. I want to, and I will," she said, scrunching her nose at him.

Ryan smiled; he loved it when she scrunched her nose. But he had mixed emotions. While he loved spending every minute in her company, there were a few things that kept him in check. More than that, there were a million reasons why they needed to go their separate ways, and only one reason why she should be by his side. Well, maybe more than one reason, but the cons still seriously outweighed the pros.

First, she wasn't really his girlfriend, and their honeymoon phase was over. He wasn't exactly planning on being around for this next part, and he wasn't filthy rich, so it was clear the nature of their relationship would soon change. You didn't just take a girl like that out to the local fast food restaurant. Besides, even if he could get through the counseling part, all that would mean is Jessica would be gone, anyway. Ryan knew he didn't need to deal with picking up the pieces of his broken life and simultaneously worrying about losing someone in his life that he deeply cared about -- and, really, the only friend he currently had.

Secondly, to say his whole situation was a little embarrassing was an understatement. He tried not to think about his near suicidal attempt, let alone Jessica nearly being the one to find him.

Third, he was poison. Everything he seemed to touch that he cared about had either been killed or severely wounded. Losing Amanda and Adam was bad enough, but because of his selfishness, he had managed to put Jessica through searing pain.

Knowing that Jessica wasn't Amanda in his mind's eye was one thing, but knowing that Jessica would actually stay around as a friend was another -- if she would even remain his friend. As for knowing if Jessica would actually want a relationship with him, exploring the possibility that they could have something more; it was nothing short of insane. It was an impossibility that could never be. The sooner he could accept this, the better.

---

He was at least glad that Miss Parker understood his situation -- or Cindy, as she told him to call her. As awkward as it was to initially walk through her office doors with the expectation of pouring out his heart and soul to a complete stranger, no matter how nice and comfortable her office was, he found that she seemed to have an uncanny knack for putting people -- or, at least him -- at ease. For having so much baggage in his life, he was amazed at how easy she was to talk to.

Before he knew it, he was opening up to her within their first several sessions.

Her natural voice was very soft and compassionate when she spoke, "It's good to see you again. I notice already that you seem to be smiling more than you did our last few visits."

He guessed she was in her late thirties, maybe early forties. She was very attractive, and there wasn't a single gray hair in her red mane of hair.

Ryan nodded, "It's been a little better lately. Before, I had no future, other than our Hawaii trip. But..., you know how that was supposed to end. I guess I'm looking a little more long term now like you suggested."

She smiled, "That's wonderful. I have no doubts that Amanda and Adam would want you to live your life to the fullest."

"Yea, that's what Jessica told me. It's not easy to accept, but you both make a good argument. I know I need to move on, no matter how difficult it is. I just don't know how to get out of this rut."

Cindy noticed something about his response and called him out, "You seemed a little emotional when you mentioned her name?"

He gave a thoughtful, bittersweet smile and calmly said, "Jessica. If it wasn't for her, there's no doubt I wouldn't be sitting here right now." Ryan shrugged, "I haven't seen her in a while, though. I do miss her, but her life is probably a little more stable without me in it. As good of a friend as she was to me, I was the opposite. All I did was terrify her. She's probably scarred for life after what I did."

"Don't be so hard on yourself. She wouldn't have put herself in that situation if she didn't want to, or if she didn't care about you. After the situation you went through, it would be wise for her to consider talking to someone, too."

Ryan agitatedly nodded, "That's what I've been telling her, but she's brushing me off. She's a very stubborn girl, unfortunately."

Cindy smiled and said, "Stubbornness can be a two-edged sword. Well, hopefully she talks to someone. Whether or not she does, just remember that all you can control is yourself, and the decisions you make."

"I know. Still, if she dragged me in here, I should be able to drag her in here. It's only fair," he smiled wryly.

Leaning back on the couch and resting one foot on his opposite leg, he looked over at her quiet waterfall in the corner, processing his next thought.

Taking a deep breath, he said, "I know you said it will take time to heal, but it feels like I'm never going to get over Amanda and Adam."

"Well," she told him, "Before your attempt on your life, you refused to face the concept of pain taking time to heal. Your solution to healing was essentially so drastic that the pain would immediately be gone, but the repercussions were as severe as you can get.

"Also," she corrected, "Keep in mind that what I said was time will gradually heal the pain, but the scars will still remain. You will never be completely over Amanda and Adam. And that's normal; you shouldn't be completely over them. You loved them tremendously and they were taken from you early. However, the searing pain you are now feeling can eventually be brought to a dull sensation. Searing pain is almost impossible to live with if you don't get treatment for it, but a dull sensation... well, more often than not, throughout daily life, you won't even notice the dull sensation. Does that make sense?"

It took a moment for her words to sink in, but Ryan nodded, "Yea, I guess I see what you're saying."

Cindy gave him a moment to digest her words and continued, "So, remember a few of the things we've talked about. Continue to write down your feelings in a journal. Find a purpose for your life. Focus on your goals; both short term and long term. All of these steps will help you to move on and enjoy life as it was meant to be enjoyed."

Ryan nodded in agreement, "Actually, I'm taking a few classes right now. I got my associates through the Community College of the Air Force, but I'd like to get an undergraduate degree. I've had one too many dead-end jobs since I left the Air Force."

"That's excellent, Ryan," she smiled, undoubtedly happy for him. "Getting your education will open many more doors for you."

"Well, there are some things that I know I want, and there are some things that I have no clue about. I'm trying to learn to give up the things that I can't have, and trying to look for the things that maybe I should have. It's a little scary, but I guess that's life. Like it or not, life goes on."

With a smile, Cindy told him, "I think you're on the right track."

---

The next couple weeks seemed to drag by slowly for Ryan. It didn't help that it had been unusually gloomy and cold in Northern California the last few days.

True to his word, Ryan enrolled in the local community college. He'd be up to his ears in college loans and other debt, and didn't have a single dime left to his name, but he had to do something other than sit at home and feel sorry for himself, slowly rotting away. The second phase of his life was just beginning and he wasn't going to blow it. In order to move on, he had to keep occupied like Cindy suggested.

Classes kept him busy. His Hazmat Familiarization class in particular was the most enjoyable; not because of the material, really, but because of the scenery. There were a couple of attractive girls in his row. He swore the brunette a few rows down was flirting with him, but he had been out of the game so long he wouldn't be able to tell even if one of them were to walk up to him and kiss him on the lips.

Ryan also put the house on the market. He would never forget Amanda or Adam, and would always cherish their memories, but it was too painful living in the house. Plus, he could take what he made from the house, move into a small apartment, and use the extra money to pay his loans off.

To top it all off, Ryan joined the fire department as a volunteer. He wouldn't make a dime, but it would give him the experience he needed to be competitive and hopefully join as a full time fireman. He was a little older than most of the volunteer firemen, but he hit the gym regularly and practiced for the physical fitness test as often as he could.

Outside of college and studying, the one thing he had on his hands was time, and he found time to be his enemy. The more he could do to keep busy, the easier his life would become and the less time he would have to dwell on Amanda. And Jessica, too. At least that's what he thought, based on what Cindy suggested.

Still, he talked to Jessica over the phone a couple times over the last couple of weeks. It was nerve-wracking for Ryan when he dialed her the first time; it was like he was calling a girl he had just met and had no chance with despite having every intention of asking her out on a date. He knew he shouldn't have been so nervous calling her, but the fact was the nature of their relationship had drastically changed.

When Jessica answered his call and they started to talk, it was as if they had never been apart. There was no doubt that she was as excited to talk to him as he was with her; their conversation lasted for hours. Hanging up was hard for both of them.