Open Marriage or Not Open Marriage

We tried to go about it like we did everything else: methodically, intelligently, and with open minds. Of course, if we were even considering opening our marriage, we have to have ideas favoring or at least slightly open to each of each side of the matter, but we discussed it, made lists of reasons for and reasons against. We talked to two families involved in the lifestyle, and we even spoke to a minister on his views. He, of course, was opposed to open marriage principles, but tactfully said it was our decision. Of course it was our decision, but we smiled and thanked him for discussing it with us.

The families we talked to warned of pitfalls. Everyone In the group had to be totally committed, they said. It didn't work, they warned, if there were a decenter. One family was made up of two women and two men. The other was two men and one woman. They lived as married individuals, thinking of themselves as completely committed partners.

On our list of pros, we put things mentioned by the people involved in open lifestyles: teaches you about unconditional love; expands your understanding of family and it's true definition; gives you a much deeper appreciation of life and allows you to accept the likes and dislikes of other people you care about, without prejudice, and it forces you to carefully examine your values. "You must be totally honest with the people you are involved with," they pointed out. "If you feel uncomfortable with anything you must tell the others, without resentment." They said a shared open family, or polyamorous grouping, was not for the insecure or timid.

The negative list was actually longer than the one of the reasons for. It had resentment, jealousy, changes in attitudes, physical changes that come with age, financial disputes, normal disagreements, pressures from families, community, pregnancies, health changes, and mostly natural insecurities.

We even discussed it with our families, which we soon discovered was a mistake. They opposed it, although Claire's mother, being the most open minded of the two groups, said although it wasn't for her, she would respect our decision.

We had a candidate, of course, a friend named Jake Foster, and her mother knew him and liked him a lot. My father, her dad, and my mother said it was simply crazy and we may not be welcome in their homes if we made such a "crazy" decision. Of course that was a big factor. One, it made us stubbornly committed to do as we damned well pleased, and on the other hand we hated the thought of losing them all because of it.

We also, of course, had to talk to Jake, to let him know of our thinking and get his views, his reaction, whether he was interested. He, of course, was incredible. We would have not considered him if he wasn't. He said what many had, warning of the dangers and speaking of jealousy and resentment, outside pressures, and difficulty with community standards. "There will be hard times and negative reactions, some being from your own families," he said, as if we had already told him about the reactions of ours.

He then went on to say, of course, that he would love it, that he genuinely loved Claire and had a great friendship with me. We were pleased he had the backbone to say he loved my wife. He thought it was a brave move, but one we had to be sure about. He asked us to let him know what we decided, but would support whatever we wanted to do. As I said, he was remarkable.

We read all we could find on the subject of open marriage: two books on Open Marriage by the O'Neils, articles, websites, and columns from studies. We talked to friends and asked their opinions, and we even asked a psychologist we know. It all came down to whether we were committed to the decision.

When came time to come to a decision, Claire and I both agreed that it was time for us to open up our relationship, to let Jake know we were eager to have him part of our family. We told him we had come to a decision and asked if he was still interested in our proposal. He was and wanted to come and talk about it, to set boundaries, talk about what we all expected, and to plan how we would work out the details.

The details turned out to be deciding that he would take Claire out to dinner and they would just be together for a while without demands, giving them time to relax, talk, and begin some intimacy, some comfort with one another, discussing their situation, just being a couple without sexual tension or expectations. After they ate they got a hotel room and spent the night. I never asked if they made love, but I can't imagine they didn't.

When they returned to the house, we sat and chatted, just like three close friends. At that time we decided he would live with us, which we figured he would, in the second bedroom, and we discussed what the sleeping arrangements would be. It was amazing how little we had to change things actually, except that his sleeping with my wife. It hadn't happened yet, but it seemed less complicated than we expected. He was in love with her, he had admitted, and moving into their intimacy was almost no problem at all. All that had to be done was the deed itself, which was even easier for me than I expected.

Claire was excited, I could see, and she carefully prepared for their second night together in his new bedroom down the hall from our room. She showered, let me know she was shaving her pubic hair, and put her hair in my favorite style. I kissed her as she dried her naked body after the shower and asked her if she was excited.

Without answering out loud, she nodded, smiled, and kissed me back. "So, we are in an open marriage, right?" she said shyly. "You won't mind sharing your wife's pussy?" she asked. I hugged her, pulling her body against me, and said with Jake it would be like having her able to do something she enjoys with a really good friend, which he is," I said. Whether you have sex is up to you two."

That night at dinner the three of sat at the table and chatted like nothing special was happening, like no change was occurring in all our lives, like nothing exceptional had just transpired. We had just taken steps that would have major consequences on all three of us and we chatted like nothing had changed.

After we ate we visited, watched a game on television, and then my wife and Jake went off to bed. We had thought long and hard about this decision, and as I watched her walk with him toward the room he now called his home I smiled to myself. We were making a big modification to our lives and Jake was at the heart of it. She turned to me and grinned.

In the morning we had breakfast and my wife kissed each of us. "Good morning," she said with a contented smile. She put an arm around each of us. "I love you two," she said. Later that day the three of us drove into the city and went to a park to walk the trails through the woods and enjoy the togetherness and solitude, feeling a closeness I had only dreamed about before then.

At home that afternoon we all went to the bedroom and undressed slowly before the three of the three of us crawled into bed. Claire snuggled up to each of her men, then pulled us to her, putting her warm naked body against the men she loved. She took each of us by the organ and gently massage our penises.

"Can I give you both someplace to put those," she said. I rolled on top of her, Jake holding back, giving me the first chance at her, the wife I'd had for five years.

Three months later I found Jake in the kitchen sitting at the table alone. He was pensive and quiet, consumed in his thought. "Any problem?" I asked.

"I think we should have a baby," he said. He just looked at me, letting his words soak in. "It would complete us as a family." I stood looking back at him, surprised at his comment, amazed at signs of fraternal instincts in my friend. "We should talk to Claire," he added, "see what she thinks. What are your feelings?" he asked.

I told Jake I wasn't against bringing a baby into the family. I really hadn't thought about it, but, of course, we had to talk to Claire about the matter, since it involved her so very, very much. When we sat down with Claire, she listened intently to what Jake said about bringing a baby into the family. Her face was unreadable, until she brightened into a large grin and nodded her head.

She said she loved the idea of having a baby, and confessed she was afraid we wouldn't want to. She was very pleased that the idea came from him, and that she didn't have to lobby for it herself. She kissed each of us and was elated by the decision to try for a child.

We decided we didn't want to know who the father was, although we realized that for reasons of health history issues we had to know and would have seek DNA tests to determined who the father actually was. What the issue really came down to was that to us it did not matter who the father was. The baby would be ours to love and take care of no matter whose sperm swam the fastest.

She slept with each of us with the intention of getting pregnant. We both came in her, hoping to fertilize an ovum to produce a human life, to create a child we would be parents to, to love and raise and add to our family. We tried every night to impregnate her and give her the motherhood she craved.

It was three months later that the test strip showed positive and Claire became a pregnant mother to be. We celebrated by going out to a fancy restaurant and having an expensive meal to toast our child growing inside of Claire. Fillet minion with asparagus and potatoes Au' Gratin, and we finished off with raspberry cheesecake and coffee. We were ecstatic at the prospect of becoming parents as a threesome, of sharing the gift of life with one another.

When the baby came we named her Helleen, and Jake and I were able to be in the delivery room through her labor, helping her do her breathing exercises, supporting her throughout the night and we were there when her labor started. When she delivered we both witnessed Helleen's coming and were able to assist the nurse with as much as we could. It was truly a join effort.

Our baby nursed on her mother and each of her fathers thrilled at the sight. We looked at one another and shook hands and patted each other on the back, feeling on top of the world. Our family had grown by twenty-five percent and we brought from the hospital two days later.

We realized the best way to describe what we had was a polyamorous relationship and Jake and I each did as much as we could to care for and nurture Helleen, to change her diapers, feed her, bathe her, and provide whatever we could. We call her Hellie, and we have delighted in watching her grow and learn and become a little person. The decision to open our marriage resulted in the pride of parenthood and the joy of sharing a woman we both love, sharing a life and sharing the parenting of a beautiful child.

When Claire and I asked Jake if he would be interested in participating in our experiment with open marriage, it never occurred to us it could lead to so much joy and satisfaction and pure unadulterated happiness. It obviously isn't for everyone, but it has worked for many, many other men and women in the world, and we stand as examples of individuals who it has served well.

Our daughter is twelve now, and is lucky to have two fathers who will walk her down the aisle someday. Non traditional families are families that are made up of real people with desires and needs, like everyone else. We just can just love more than one person at a time.