Trudie lay in bed with me. I told her all about you and watched for any signs of unfettered jealousy. I watched her as I told her, how I had taken your present to your workplace. It must have been so obvious that I had been overwhelmed with joy when you had greeted me at the door.
Knowing how easy it is lose touch with special people, I had been lamenting that I was not going to see you again; for the days leading up to my visit to your work. As I explained to Trudie I had been so shocked to see you, and such was my unease I had almost not known what to do or how to respond to your presence. Luckily your face said so much to me for it told me how happy you were to see me.
And as I melted into our embrace I could feel myself drifting to that place where lovers pleasure is pain that comes with love. Where love grabs hold of your heart and the pain of that love takes you to a depth of passionate feeling that no-one who has not been there can ever imagine. I stayed in our embrace for as long as I could, never wanting to let you go, but knowing that a time must come that would break the spell.
I wanted to kiss you, to melt into your lips again, to feel those wonderful lips once again, knowing that if your lips touched mine they would lift me into a feeling of floating in melted butter. The richness of those lips, like god had made me just to kiss them, and knowing within me, that they were the only perfect lips that I would every kiss.
Honestly I didn't think Trudie would understand just how much I needed to kiss those lips, and the sadness that filled my heart when I felt myself held back from that passionate melting moment that was just us; in each other's arms. I want her to tell me what a fool I was for not looking for an opportunity to kiss your lips, but I know that having patience can sometimes be more rewarding in time.
I can understand that Trudie might also think that I chose the best path; by not trying to kiss you. For at that stage how was I to know what had happened to you, between our last meeting and this one, to impinge upon on how you might have felt about me and us.
And as I had previously related to Trudie, you are such a secretive person I could never know exactly how you felt. Perhaps you are the only person I have ever met whose body has told me more about the true, than your words ever did. But perhaps you don't know that about yourself anyway. Do you ever tell yourself the truth about how you feel?
For stencilled in my mind was our last goodbye in the carpark underneath the motel. How I stood there kissing you, feeling like heaven had made me such a fortunate man, to spend even a minute in your arms was something I had ungifted gratitude for, and I must be thankful for it occurring in my life.
And whenever I thought you might release me in that carpark, you invited me back again into an embrace and kiss that was us, but it was sometimes too much to bear. That time I cried so many times inside my heart that I might never have you in my arms again. Yet why did you continue to hold me? It told me something about how you felt but I believed your broken heart held you back from taking any risks with being with me.
Why doesn't Trudie cry with me, why can't she understand that my parting from you was the hardest thing I had done for many years. I think Trudie must have known my pain; for who would willingly bear so much pain and not know its impact? I would! And just for another minute in your arms, in your tender embrace, our lips locked together, I would bear that pain again without hesitation. The pleasure of a minute in your arms was worth an eternity of the pain of separation that must come afterwards with it.
And now back in your company again, with my heart in my hand, I looked to you to guide me about how you felt about us. Your smile fills me with such hope and longing. Your body tells me silently that you feel something for me.
You invite me in, and I decline the invitation to join you in the physical activity of pleasures efforts to bliss (my viral illness is my excuse). I request my life-long totem, a cup of tea, and sit down to partake of the music videos on the television. I watch as Pink tells me all about the pain of love, and I smile to myself as you approach me with our cups of tea.
It is so sublime to be sitting with you as I sip my tea, to look upon that face, to watch those dancing sparkling eyes that I have lost myself in so many times. Your expression tells me that you have happy news for me. That whatever has happened between us, to your heart, has lead you to a place of happiness.
How could I ever explain to Trudie that I know that, in the end, what else should we care about other than that the ones we love? For they have our happiness in their hearts? You tell me about your work, your life decisions, and about the special man in your life; I do not cry although it is not me. For my happiness is to see you happy.
There is no jealousy in my heart. I had worked through the jealousy I might feel so long ago; when I first found myself captivated by you but not the only man who shared your world with you. For in your world, yes it is a world that so many share with you.
So few people know that jealously is a prison; and that setting the people you love free is the ultimate release for yourself. For your own heart is yours to handle with loving care, and another's heart belongs only to them.
As I stressed to Trudie, it is sadness that filled my heart (when I look inside my own heart), but that joy also filled my heart. For your happiness was a gift to overcome the imbedded sadness I recognise as your own locked ward to bury life's demons of pain.
Our previous conversations to a build deeper connection had illustrated your paths and life choices, so I recognised the suffering of love that you have endured. It is true that I long for your life to be filled with the passionate sharing of the lovers' path, and that is what you tell me you desire so much to attain with your new man.
